It got increasingly harder to say goodbye to Gage each time he left, and after last night, it was downright painful. His vulnerability stole the last thread of resistance I had remaining where he was concerned. One kiss said more than most people did in a lifetime with hundreds of thousands of words, yet when we came together completely, it wasn’t just my heart that let go; it was my entire being—soul deep.

Waking up next to him, everything was different from his purposeful touch to the soft gaze when his eyes met mine. The kiss he planted on my forehead before we took a shower—together—was as intimate as the sex we’d had the night before. Then standing at the front door, it wasn’t just loneliness I felt creeping in as I watched him leave—part of me walked out with him. It was foreign and not something I identified well with. Nor anything I wanted to dwell on.

I spent the day trying to locate everything I could find on Granny’s estate and her affairs in general. Gage and I hadn’t had time to talk about me working on it before he left this morning, but pulling it all out and making a list of what needed to be done gave me something to focus on aside from isolation and missing him. I didn’t have a copy of her will, and he would still need to give me power of attorney to make any real progress, but it helped pass the time and gave us something other than baseball to talk about when he called tonight.

When I reached a stopping point, I went to make myself something for dinner before the game started. I hadn’t bothered to turn on the television, since hearing Gage’s name only served to make him seem even farther away, and if I waited until the game started, then I’d at least be able to see him regularly—I might even catch an interview.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone rang on the couch. I glanced at the clock and wondered who could possibly be calling since Gage was in the locker room. Setting the plate of spaghetti down, I dashed into the living room to answer the call right before it went to voicemail.

“Hello?” I licked the sauce off my fingers while waiting for a response.

“Katie?”

“This is she.”

“Hey, umm, it’s Ellie.”

We’d exchanged numbers at the hospital in case I needed anything when Gage was out of town. I never expected her to use mine, though. “Hi.” I didn’t know where to go with this since I had no idea why she’d called, and she already sounded hesitant.

She huffed, putting me on edge. “I don’t know how to say this…”

“I’ve found the best way is to just come right out with it.” Not that I knew what it was.

“Have you had the TV on today?” That couldn’t be good.

“No…”

“I know how the press can be, so please don’t think I’m taking anything they’re saying about you to be true—”

“Oh God, what now?” I’d watched all the games with Granny when Coby still played for the Titans, and the only time I’d ever seen Ellie’s name was when the media insinuated Coby and Ellie shared a parent, yet even then, the press wasn’t brave enough to specifically say which player they were talking about—it was just implied. Coby and Ellie kept their noses clean—always.

“I wouldn’t have called except the vultures already got ahold of Gage, and it wasn’t pretty. I wanted to warn you about that and tell you not to answer your door or your phone unless you recognize the number.”

The list of things that could have been reported was a mile long between my history and Gage’s. But if something upset Gage, it had to have been a lie. He already knew about my mom and the prostitution charge. “Ellie, what was said?”

I could’ve sworn she sounded choked up. This chick needed thicker skin.

“I can handle it. I promise. Gage and I have no secrets.” At least not since I’d confessed before they could be leaked.

“Oh, thank goodness. There are countless reports of you having lost your nursing license while Granny was still alive. The media is going crazy with it since Gage has told everyone he hired you as her nurse and then the whole pregnancy and prostitution thing came out.” She let out a sigh of relief that filled me with dread. “Gage explained the prostitution charges to Coby before anyone ever got wind of that, but it was clear by his expression he didn’t know what the reporter was talking about.”

“Any idea when they spoke to him?” I wasn’t sure why I tried to put a timeline together—it didn’t matter, the damage had already been done.

“It was in front of the entire team when they went into the locker room. It was really bad, Katie. I know you can’t reach him. You just might want to see if you can find it online or watch the news so you can be prepared when you talk to him.”

“I will. Thank you for calling.” I didn’t wait to hear her say goodbye. Instead, I dropped the phone in favor of grabbing the remote. It took seconds to find a channel playing the interview with Gage.

Ellie was right. He’d been completely blindsided and unable to counter any of the accusations against me and therefore him. And no matter how many times Gage tried to get away, the guy followed him from the bus to the locker room, until Coach finally stepped in. I flipped from channel to channel, watching it repeatedly, not having a clue how I’d ever explain any of this to Gage, much less why I hadn’t told him.

Once the game started, the focus shifted to the Titans and away from me, until they went to commercial or had one of those breaks where the commentators filled space and time with their opinions and fluff and utter bullshit. And there I was again, front and center. I’d never understand why the press sought to destroy people and relationships. This was between Gage and me, not the entire freaking world. I wasn’t even part of the damn team, and my name garnered as much air time as the team itself did—I couldn’t imagine what would happen when this baby was born.

I pulled my knees into my chest—the best I could with a protruding bump—and listened to the guys in suits speculate about why Gage was on fire tonight. My heart sank knowing he threw himself into baseball when everything else left him feeling alone. The Home Run King was in the stadium tonight, and the world had me to thank—too bad that award wouldn’t come with a prize.

At the bottom of the ninth, I turned off the TV in the living room and climbed the stairs to Gage’s room. I went through my nightly routine and tried to call Gage since the game was over. My eyes burned with the threat of tears, and all I could do was hug my knees and wait for the phone to ring. I tried several more times only to reach his voicemail.

I was just as much in the dark as Gage was. For all I knew, the news stations only reported segments of what was actually filmed. They might have provided him with evidence or just thrown it at him like some rag magazine. Whatever happened, he hadn’t been able to shut it down or defend me. And I’d have to wait until morning to find out because he didn’t call until the sun came up.

I answered the FaceTime as soon as his picture illuminated the screen. I hadn’t slept a wink for fear I’d miss his call. As soon as he came into view, it was obvious his night had been as bad as mine.

“Gage, please let me—”

“Just tell me why.” He didn’t ask me to tell him it wasn’t true. “After the last conversation we had about your past—and I told you I would never judge you—why wouldn’t you come clean? I couldn’t defend either one of us.”

My shoulders slumped. “I didn’t think it mattered.” It was the most honest answer I could give, even though it explained nothing.

“I hired you to be a live-in nurse for my grandmother. Of course it mattered. She was my whole world, and you took a chance with her.”

That wasn’t fair. I’d never put Granny at risk. “That’s not true. I always did my job.”

“Did you ever have a license?” Anger warred with hurt in his tone as he tried not to lash out yet craved answers. He was just asking the wrong questions.

“Yes.” I decided to let him interrogate me until he gave me an opening to tell him everything.

“Just not when I trusted you and paid you top dollar to take care of Granny?” Anger had the upper hand right now.

“Gage—”

His cheeks flamed red, and his eyes tried to bore holes through me. “No. Don’t. You don’t get a chance to defend yourself. I’ve given you every opportunity under the sun to talk. If the prostitution thing didn’t run me off, why wouldn’t you lay it all out there instead of letting me be run over by some punk reporter the second I stepped off the bus.”

I kept my mouth shut. Every point Gage made was accurate. He’d never understand why I hadn’t shared any of it with him then, and I couldn’t prove it now. I’d made my bed, and right now, I had to lie in it and hope he wouldn’t shut down. My history wouldn’t change his perception.

“I’m so angry right now, I don’t have a clue what to do. I’ve been up all night trying to work out how pissed off I am, and I have a game in a few hours. Fuck, Katie.”

I didn’t want to know where he’d been or who he’d been with. I was no stranger to Gage’s patterns or how he coped with a crisis. My growing stomach was a direct result of his grief management skills. And here he was, on the road, up all night—and he hadn’t answered any of my calls. My chest constricted painfully, my eyes burned, and a huge lump formed in my throat. Gage’s story and my own weren’t so dissimilar—we’d just dealt with them differently. His mother caused the same destructive path in his life that mine had.

There was a knock on his hotel room door. I glanced at the clock, realizing it was nearly seven and he’d be having breakfast soon…without me.

“I gotta go.” He didn’t wait for me to say goodbye or tell me when we’d talk again. The screen just went dark.

And I realized, it was the first time we’d talked on the phone that he hadn’t asked about the baby or told me to tell him that he loved him.

Gage was gonna run.

* * *

I didn’t hear from Gage again that day. Or after the game. He didn’t call me after dinner—not even a text message. The next morning, my heart shattered into a million pieces when Gage’s face showed up in still shots on the sports channel at a bar or maybe a club surrounded by women. In all fairness, he wasn’t touching any of them, but he certainly enjoyed their company. “Looks like maybe the latest news on Kathryn Crisp has placed Gage Nix back on the singles’ market, ladies.”

I couldn’t listen to it, much less stand to look at other women lusting after a man who less than forty-eight hours earlier told me he didn’t want anyone else. I would have rather seen him knee-walking drunk than in a huddle with other women. There was no escaping it—my phone rang off the hook with calls and messages from reporters, yet I couldn’t turn it off for fear Gage would call, and I’d miss it.

Thank goodness Ellie had warned me about the door; it never would have occurred to me that people would come all the way out here and be so brazen as to walk right up with their accusations. I assumed they’d want the story from the man himself, not his lying whore of a baby mama—their words, not mine. Quickly, I became a prisoner in the house, refusing to even go near the windows. My nerves were shot, and without a vehicle, I couldn’t even go anywhere. I had enough cash to take Uber to my ultrasound appointment and back in three days, but I doubted my sanity would hold out that long. And that was just one more thing Gage was going to miss.

The knock on the door startled me. I tried not to move for fear they’d see shadows in the windows and not leave. Hell, there was no car outside so I couldn’t imagine why anyone thought someone was here, to begin with. I felt like a junkie hiding from the cops.

“Ms. Crisp?” The pounding continued, and I started to wonder if it was the police. “It’s Jim Grisham with Channel Seven.” Thanks for clarifying that, Jim. “We’d like to help you clear the air, ma’am.” He didn’t want to clear the air; he wanted a story—unlikely Jim was a Good Samaritan.

My nerves were frayed, and I was walking a thin line. I hadn’t heard from Gage since Thursday, and each day that passed became more unbearable. There was no one to call and nowhere to escape. I didn’t want to reach out to him—he needed to cool off—but I had no other options. Panic attacks and pregnancy didn’t go well together, and I’d been in the midst of one all day. Luckily, I recognized it for what it was and tried desperately to remind my brain that it needed to relax; I wasn’t going to die, and my chest wasn’t going to collapse under the pressure currently constricting it.

He wasn’t playing right now, so the long wait for a reply was just another slap in the face. A brutal reminder that there wasn’t a soul on this planet that gave a shit whether I lived or died. Granny had been the only one, and she was the reason I relinquished my license—she’d promised to keep me safe. And now she was gone.

I didn’t understand why these reporters were camped out on our front porch. It wasn’t like I was a murderer—hell, I wasn’t even a convicted felon. People lost their medical licenses every day and didn’t face this kind of ridicule. Another knock on the door sent me to the far end of the breakfast area. It was the farthest corner from the door, and even in the dark, the size of the table cast a shadow in the corner where I crouched hoping to remain unseen. The waves of impending doom washed over me even as I tried to rationalize that I was safe, there was no threat of physical harm—the worst they could do was humiliate me. I was quickly losing the battle and hysteria washed over me. Rocking back and forth sobbing, I hadn’t heard the door open or anyone approach.

When a man tried to pull me into his arms, I nearly came unglued, kicking and scratching and screaming at the unknown—trying to fight off an intruder.

“Shh. Katie.” The voice was familiar even if his scent and arms weren’t. “Katie, Katie…calm down.” I gave in long enough to look up and find Coby Kyler attempting to comfort me. And just over his shoulder, in front of an open door, stood Ellie with her hand clutching her mouth.

“I’m sorry, Coby. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t owe him an explanation or even know why he was here. I just knew how desperately I needed someone’s attention. “I just…I’m scared.”

“It’s okay. They’re gone.” He sat down in the darkness next to me and pulled me between his legs.

I didn’t know this man from Adam, yet I clung to his clasped arms in front of me and lost control. Every shake, hiccupping sob, and tremor that ran through me was calmed by his refusal to let go. The two of us could have sat in that corner for ten minutes or an hour, I’d never know.

When I was finally able to speak without crying, I chanced a glance at the wife of the man who currently held me in his arms. Pity lined her creased brow and tears lingered in her eyes. “Why are you guys here?” I hiccupped the broken words.

“I was on the phone with Gage when he got your message.” Coby didn’t want to be the one to tell me Gage had gotten my text and chosen not to respond.

“Wow.” I huffed through my nose, realizing I didn’t have an ounce of dignity or pride remaining, and then I pulled myself out of his arms and stood on shaky legs. “That’s embarrassing. I’m sorry the two of you got put on pity patrol. I just thought he might be able to get them to go away.”

Ellie came toward me with her hand out. “No. It’s not like that at all, Katie.”

Trying to retreat, I closed my eyes. There had to be someplace in my mind that was still quiet that I could escape to—I just couldn’t find it. When it didn’t work, I opened them slowly and gave her a half-hearted smile. “Thank you for coming.” I turned back to Coby. “Both of you.” I had no idea where their kids were, but it couldn’t have been easy to find someone to watch them on such short notice.

Coby stood and adjusted his clothes from wrestling with me. “I don’t think you’ll see anyone else on the property anytime soon. But if you do, here’s the officer’s number who issued trespassing warnings to the reporters that were here.” He handed me a card. “I can’t promise you they won’t be at the bottom of the driveway, though. Unfortunately, the streets are public domain.”

I shrugged. “It’s not like I can go anywhere without a car, anyway.” I tried to laugh and failed miserably. “I really do appreciate you getting them off the porch.”

“Katie—”

“It’s okay, Coby. I’ll be fine.” I tried to reassure him by squaring my shoulders and nodding my head with a fake smile on my lips. Unfortunately, my puffy eyes and swollen nose were far better witnesses to the truth than my words.

I moved from the kitchen to the couch and sat in the corner, drawing my knees up protectively—it got harder with each day that passed. Ellie sat in the chair across from me with Coby on the other end of the sofa.

“He’s having a tough time right now, Katie.” Coby acted like I didn’t know that—the whole world saw it.

“Oh, sweetie. Why don’t you talk to him?” Ellie moved to kneel in front of me, taking both of my hand in hers. “He just needs to hear from you.” Her brow furrowed as she tried to convince me that a phone call would set everything back on the right axis.

“I tried. Several times. He didn’t answer and hasn’t called back. And the first time I sent him a text, he had you two come instead of checking on me himself.”

“This has to just be a misunderstanding. I’m sure you’ll clear it up as soon as he comes home.”

“Maybe.” Not.

Gage had wasted no time reverting to his old ways. He’d gone back to exactly what I’d believed he would be the second something got tough.

“I’ve known Gage a long time. He’s struggling because he’s hurting. He runs, so you don’t have a chance.” Coby wasn’t telling me anything I wasn’t already aware of.

“I don’t want to run, Coby. I don’t want to go anywhere without him. I just need the chance to explain what happened—to him. Not the media. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. But he won’t talk.”

Ellie patted my knee. “Just give him time. I promise he’ll come around.”

I bobbed my head in agreement, not believing a word either of them said.

Coby stood and held his hand out to his wife. “Just remember, not everything you see or hear on television is what the media makes it out to be. Give Gage the same chance you’re asking for. I promise, he hasn’t done anything to let you down.”

I didn’t know if I believed him. However, I owed it to Gage to show him the same respect I hoped to get from him. And that was a conversation with an explanation.

The door still stood open when Coby and Ellie said goodbye. Just as they reached the last step, Ellie turned around. “Katie, if you need to talk, I’m just a phone call away.”

“Thanks, Ellie. Goodnight.”

* * *

As brutal as the evening had been, the emotional overload and release created exhaustion so powerful, not even the heartache I’d caused Gage could keep me awake another night. I’d held onto hope that Coby and Ellie were right. But in the morning, with a clear mind, I was determined to fix this.

I didn’t expect a reply. If I had to text him every hour on the hour, I would. I had nothing but time on my hands; I could be persistent if needed.

To my surprise, my phone lit up with Gage’s image. I looked like shit and didn’t care. I couldn’t hit the accept button fast enough.

“Hey, Katiebug.”

I bit my lip to keep from crying. Gage had been killing it on the field, but his face and the tone of his voice told me he struggled just as much as I did. “Hey.”

He was leaned up against the white pillows of his hotel bed just staring at the screen, looking as lost as I felt.

“I’m so sorry, Gage. I know it doesn’t fix anything.”

“I talked to Coby.”

“I know.”

“No, I talked to him this morning. I had no idea. I should have given you the chance to explain.” His eyes were bloodshot, and his voice strained. “If anything had happened—I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I didn’t know…”

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but I hoped it would be. That he’d allow me to explain.

“I overreacted. I just loved—Granny was the only person I ever…” He fought to maintain his composure.

I sighed. “I loved her, too, Gage. That’s why I gave up my license instead of risking jail. She meant everything to me. And when we talked about it, she made sure I knew I’d be okay.”

“I don’t understand. Granny knew?” He choked on the last word as his throat closed with emotion.

I nodded and licked my lips, once again preparing myself to admit a part of my past that seemed would never stop haunting me. “About a year after you hired me, the hospital I had worked for in Culver City contacted me. Well, I received a certified letter at Granny’s house about their investigation.”

“Into what?” His posture straightened against the pillows, confused.

My eyes closed, and I thought back to the day I answered the door to sign the slip of paper from the postman in exchange for the letter. I knew before I opened it what it was regarding; I’d just hoped since I’d left, they wouldn’t pursue it. “Stolen drugs from the hospital’s pharmacy.”

His eyes bugged, but he remained silent.

“The last time I saw my mom, I’d gone to find her to give her medications and tell her it was the last time I could do it because there was a lot of buzz around the hospital.”

“Wait. This is all tied to your mom and AIDS?”

With a heavy sigh, I admitted, “Yes.”

“You’d been stealing for her?”

“She was dying, Gage. And she’d promised me if I could get her into rehab that she’d go. I couldn’t afford the medication on my own. They were thousands of dollars a month without insurance. I didn’t make that kind of money.”

“Aren’t there clinics or something to help with that? Surely, there had to be another option than stealing from your employer.” This was when I expected him to throw in a Nix-worthy comment, yet all I heard was disbelief and condemnation. This was bad.

“Desperate people do desperate things.” There was no point in continuing with this. He’d already made up his mind, and nothing I could say would pacify him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Keep going.”

“I’d only done it a few times. I made sure not to implicate the same pharmacist and covered my tracks on inventory logs. I was just trying to get her into rehab where the clinic would take over all that for her. That’s why I went to find her to begin with. I’d gotten her into a rehab facility, and she was supposed to go the next morning.”

“But by the time you got out of jail, she’d already passed away.” At least he remembered parts of the story.

“Yes, although I didn’t know that right off the bat. The press doesn’t care about the junky whore on the corner dying.”

“Just the girlfriend of the baseball player they’re trying to ruin.” He’d never called me his girlfriend, and as much as I wanted to focus on that and hold on to it like it was my get-out-of-jail-free card, I had to get this out while I could.

“There were rumors all over the hospital about the administration looking into the inventory in the pharmacy, and it was getting too close for me to stay. So I started applying for jobs outside the hospital. Thinking that if the discrepancies stopped, they’d quit investigating.”

“That’s when you found my ad?”

I pursed my lips. “Yeah. And you called me the morning after I was released for prostitution. Charges hadn’t formally come down, so when I interviewed with you, my background check was clean, and my nursing license was intact.”

“And you took the prostitution charge believing your mom would go to rehab the next day. If she were in jail, she would have missed the chance.”

“That, and the cops would have found the stolen medication I’d given her before they pulled up. The hospital only had suspicions, they didn’t have any hard evidence.”

“Did she not have them on her when she died?”

“No. My guess is she sold them to buy heroin, and that was the money she used to buy enough smack to overdose.” I’d likely hold onto that guilt for the rest of my life.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Maybe not. I’ll never know. Anyway, the day you called was one of two days in my shift rotation that I was off. And when you offered me a job, it solved more than one problem. The salary was more than triple what I was making, plus the bonuses, not to mention I didn’t have to pay for living expenses. It gave me a way to help cover my mom’s medical needs legally once she got out of rehab. It also got me away from the hospital before I could be connected to the missing drugs.”

I kept hoping the Gage that cracked perpetual jokes would show up and toss out something to make me laugh or roll my eyes—anything to lighten the mood and hint at forgiveness. And when he didn’t, I had to keep going.

“I never went back to the hospital. I called the HR department and told them I’d accepted another position and wouldn’t be returning. I started working for you the next day.”

“Thinking you’d escaped it all.”

“The first weekend I was at Granny’s house, I got a call from a police officer about my mother. I had to drive back to Culver City to identify her and make funeral arrangements.”

“You never told me you left Granny alone.” His chest heaved, ready to explode again.

“I didn’t, Gage. Not one time. I told Granny as little as I could. You know how she was—I didn’t have to say much. She just patted my hand and told me to get in the car. She went with me. Granny helped me with my mom’s funeral—not that it was anything special. And she and I were the only two people to attend.”

“And she became the only person you had in the world, too.” It wasn’t a question, more of an admission of understanding.

Tears fell down my cheeks, and I swallowed hard. A year had done nothing to dull the pain of her loss, and I doubted an entire lifetime would.

“I’d been with you almost a year when I got the letter from the hospital. I tried to hide it from her. I was ashamed of the mess I’d created trying to save someone who didn’t care about saving herself. But Granny wasn’t stupid, there were only so many times I could take her to Culver City and drop her off to have her hair or her nails done before she started asking questions. And I couldn’t lie to her. The hospital didn’t have any concrete evidence against me. All they had was video footage of me in the pharmacy during times they suspected medication went missing.”

“Then why’d you let them take your license?”

“While everything was circumstantial, it wouldn’t have been hard to convince a jury I’d done it. My mom had died of a drug overdose and had AIDS. It wasn’t like I was stealing narcotics and peddling them on the street. I had a close tie to everything that was missing.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to ward off the headache building behind my eyes.

“Once Granny had all the facts, she had me make an appointment with the administration to talk about my options. She went with me and even helped negotiate with them.”

“Seriously?” If we’d been talking about anything else, I probably would have snorted with laughter at the look on his face.

“I don’t know why you’re so shocked, Gage. She did the same kinds of things for you along the way.”

“That woman really talked too much.” The gleam started to return to his eyes.

“In the end, since I’d never been caught with the drugs—and even if I had, they weren’t narcotics, just expensive as hell—the deal we struck was for me to voluntarily surrender my license or face grand theft charges and prison time…like the kind without conjugal visits.” I tried to lighten the mood a tad since he seemed in better spirits.

“And Granny told you to take the deal and not fight?”

“She promised I’d always have a job as long as she was alive. I didn’t care about the license at that point anyhow. She was family—my only family. If I had gone to jail, and you were traveling…”

“And that’s why she told me you always had a place at the house.”

“Yeah.” My eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since I’d been on the phone with him. “I loved her with all my heart, Gage. I promise you, I never put her safety at risk. Just because I lost my license didn’t mean I didn’t have the knowledge to do what you hired me to do—care for her. And I did that.”

I wanted him to say something, anything to break the silence. I had nothing else to offer him. That was my story. Every skeleton in my closet now hung in plain view, and I was as raw and vulnerable and exposed as I’d ever been with anyone other than his grandmother.

“Maybe I should have told you then. Technically you hired me, but I really did believe I’d done the right thing, Gage. There wasn’t a single secret Granny didn’t know about.”

“It was just me you didn’t trust to tell.” And we were back to hurt.

“It wasn’t that at all. I’m sure there are tons of things you’ve done as an adult that the media didn’t get ahold of and you keep as closely guarded secrets.”

He lifted one shoulder hesitantly before lowering it again. “Maybe.”

“Have you divulged every one of those memories to me?”

“That’s different. They didn’t involve you.”

“And in my mind and my world, mine didn’t involve you. The two of us were never close. We didn’t chitchat or even talk on the phone. The person I believed they affected knew every wart I had.”

“Well, Granny wasn’t in the spotlight, either. Every decision you make affects me.”

I desperately wanted his forgiveness, but not at the expense of his reputation or feelings being more important than my own. The only person I had in this world to love me, was me. “I assure you, Gage, every decision you make affects me, too. If this were any other man’s baby, my past wouldn’t be coffee-shop chatter for the entire world.”

“Kati—” The knock on Gage’s door interrupted whatever he was about to say. He carried the phone with him to open it, and the moment I saw his coach on the other side, I knew our conversation was over.

“I’ll let you go, Gage. I’ll call you after the ultrasound on Tuesday. Good luck in the game.” I disconnected without waiting for a reply.

* * *

Gage and I exchanged a few text messages over the next two days, although nothing of substance. He was busy, and I was drained. The unwanted visitors had stopped coming to the door, and as far as I could tell, when they figured out I never left the house, they’d vacated the mailbox as well. I’d spent so much time worrying about how I’d hurt Gage that it hadn’t occurred to me how much pain he’d left me in by avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment while he was gone.

Ellie came to pick me up, and when I climbed into her car, the discomfort in my chest made its presence known. It only amplified the closer we got to the doctor’s office. This appointment was supposed to have taken place last week while Gage was home, and at the last minute, the doctor had gotten stuck at the hospital, and his nurse rescheduled all of the appointments for that day. I wasn’t able to get in until today, and it was just another milestone in my pregnancy that he wasn’t here for. And even though he hadn’t said anything about it since he’d left, he’d been devastated last week.

Part of me expected the same excitement as he’d shown at my sixteen-week appointment, but five weeks changed a lot—and I wasn’t so sure it was for the better. Every day he was gone was another that felt like he slipped further away. I hadn’t watched a game or even so much as turned on the TV since I’d seen him at the bar, and without the nightly FaceTime calls, everything was off.

His lack of communication today only intensified my isolation. In my entire life, I’d never felt as alone as I had this week. And sitting here in the doctor’s office listening to the same thing I’d heard five weeks ago, I just became numb, wondering if I’d even make it through this pregnancy safely. I made another appointment, and with the pictures and CD the nurse gave me, I sat outside to wait for my ride.

Ellie had run errands while I was at my appointment. She’d offered to come with me, but I didn’t think it was fair to ask her to wrangle three kids for however long I was inside. I had no idea how she handled them all on her own, to begin with. Even with the twins as young as they were, they were a handful. Although, the more time I spent with them, the easier it was to see why Gage loved Corinne so much. Even at three, she was a big help to Ellie; and she had the sweetest heart and most addictive laugh of any child I’d ever met—it was guttural and came from deep within her belly. She was infectious, just like her mom.

The cement bench was hot. The June sun in Alabama wasn’t at all forgiving. Thankfully, I’d worn a light, flowy bohemian-style dress with tank top sleeves; otherwise, I’d be dying in jeans—not that I had any that fit. This was it. This one dress and Gage’s sweats—that was all I could still put on from the waist down. And if my boobs got any bigger, the dress would be out, too.

When Ellie pulled up, Corinne’s little face was pressed to the window, and her tiny hand waved frantically when she saw me. I got in the passenger side and buckled my seatbelt.

“Eighty, guess what I got?”

I turned around to look in the back seat and beamed at her innocence. “It looks like a sucker.”

“It’s gwape. We went to da bank, huh, Mama?” There was purple goo lining her lips, and she couldn’t be more excited about it when she stuck her tongue out to show me that it had changed colors.

“We did, sweet pea.” Ellie stared in the rearview mirror to talk to her daughter, and it was the most natural thing I’d ever seen—like she was made for the role. Then she glanced at me. “How’d the appointment go? Any change?”

“Not really. I have to go back in three weeks for another ultrasound.”

Ellie reached over the console and grabbed my hand. “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

I was a nurse; I knew women dealt with this all the time. Placenta previa wasn’t some rare disease doctors didn’t have a cure for. It was an extra detail they had to navigate. Women successfully delivered all the time without complications.

“Thank you for doing all this, Ellie. I’m sure you had a million other things you needed to take care of.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m happy to do anything I can for Gage. And you, too, if you’ll let me.” She gave my hand a quick squeeze before she returned hers to the steering wheel. “Have you called him?”

“No. Not yet.” I stammered over the words I wanted to say to keep from oversharing. “Things have been hard with him gone this trip. We haven’t talked much.” I licked my lips and pulled the bottom one between my teeth.

“You should let him know how things went.”

It was petty and immature not to contact him after the appointment. I had told him I’d call him to let him know what the doctor said. But he knew when the appointment was, just as well as I did, and he hadn’t reached out.

“Gage can be a total pain, I get that…boy, do I get it. And there are times you want to push him into a dark closet and lock the door. But he’s dealing with a lot and had a pretty tough year. He’s excited about the baby. Try not to let the way he acts convince you any differently.”

Staring at the black-and-white photos, twinges of guilt ate at me, and I finally caved once I got home. Ellie was right. Gage needed this as much as I did. Although, I still didn’t call.

I didn’t bother to tell him I’d been told to abstain from sex. He wasn’t even talking to me or in the same state, not being able to have sex was the least of my concern. I’d be happy just to have his attention, his goofy jokes, and his inappropriate comments at this point—a smile would put me over the moon. And I’d kill to have his arms around me.

I stared at the pictures of our little miracle and rubbed my belly. The doctor had asked if I wanted to know the sex, and I refused. It didn’t seem right since Gage wasn’t there. But as I watched the screen, there was no denying this child belonged to Gage and me. Even in utero, the little thing was destined to spread its legs for the camera and show me the goods.

“Somehow, Mommy and Daddy will fix this. And even though he’s mad at me, he loves you more than anything in the world…but watch out for Corinne—she takes a close second.” I giggled as I talked to our little carrot. It was the first time I’d smiled in days.

I climbed the stairs and changed clothes. I hadn’t slept in Gage’s bed last night and wasn’t sure I would again, but definitely not before things got straightened out. It was too hard to smell his scent and see his things and wish he was here only to still be alone. Once I was comfy, I found a blue Sharpie and the crotch shot the nurse printed out. I circled the space between the baby’s legs and drew a line out to the side where I wrote the baby’s gender and a tiny heart.

Then I tiptoed over to his room—like there was someone here who might catch me and spill my secret—and placed the accordion strip of ultrasound images on his bed.

My peace offering.