CAL
I lean against the white doorframe as I peer into the room. Michelle appears behind me, wrapped in a silk robe. My voice lowers as I try to temper the emotions I am feeling. I ask her, “Is this…?”
“Yeah,” She says as she places a hand on my bare shoulder, “This is where Maddie lived when she was with me.”
I brush off her hand and walk farther into the room. It’s not what I had expected it to look like. There’s a purple and green bedspread on a white metal bed. Framed flowers are on the walls, and the desk is covered in neon colored pens and pencils. There’s still unfinished homework waiting to be completed and a new book bag with tags on it ready to be taken to school.
This could have belonged to any other girl in the world, but not my Maddie. Her bedroom at home is full of hand-me-down furniture I got from the gang. There is the broken wood bed I glued back together myself, and the desk that belonged to a new rider’s dead mother. She painted it black and used highlighters to write funny jokes on them that the guys would entertain her with. The blankets on her bed belonged to Ace when he lived full-time at the house. She stole them off the bed as he moved out. She had to be six or seven then.
Everything in this room feels so sterile in a way. Sure, she has only been living here for a few weeks, but it is like an entirely different world. Is this what a home is supposed to look like or is this Michelle’s fantasy of what it is like to have a daughter just like her?
Michelle returns back to the room with a towel, and I wrap it around my waist. I sink farther into the room, touching the white lace curtain that covers the window and the pastel outfit with the tags on them lying near the bed. Michelle clears her voice as she says, “Maddie picked that outfit out. I was surprised, too, but she said she liked the butterfly on the jacket.”
My blood begins to boil as I think of Michelle taking her shopping, Michelle holding her hand as they crossed the street, Michelle teaching her about this perfect, suburbia life that she could never have without her. I turn around to face her as I say coldly and sarcastically, “Did she, really? How happy you must have been.”
Michelle can sense something is wrong as she defends herself, “It wasn’t that I was happy. I would have bought her something black and leather if that’s what she wanted.”
“What she wanted was to be home with me, but you kept her from me. Didn’t you?”
“Cal – I—" She stutters as my sudden shift takes her totally off guard. After what just happened in that shower, she wasn’t expecting for me to come out swinging. But now I am seeing everything so much clearer. And it’s time to get this dirty laundry aired.
“You what? You thought you could do better than me? You thought you could replace me and make her life some perfect version? You’re not her mom, Michelle! You’re her fucking teacher, and you had no right to take her from me.”
She stands up straighter, finding herself as she yells even louder, “No, I’m not her mom. But you’re a pretty crummy father to let her sit in that basement while her house gets sprayed in bullets and men she grew up with die all around her! What kind of life do you want her to lead, Cal?”
“I want her to be happy, and that’s with me!” I pound my feet as I charge towards her.
She doesn’t back down, doesn’t even move a muscle as she replies, “I want her to be happy, too. I want her to have a dad. I want her to have a dad who isn’t out killing people in his spare time! I want her to have a dad who can take care of her. And if that means taking her away from you while you get your shit together, I’m happy to have done it!”
I back away quickly and sit on the edge of the bed.
“You grew up like this, Cal. You know what life in a motorcycle gang clubhouse is like. Do you really want that life for Maddie – one where she never knows her father and strange women raise her? Or do you want something better for her?”
“I want her to be with me!” I roar. “I had a fine childhood, Michelle. It wasn’t perfect with school or full lunchboxes, but I turned out fine.”
“But that was you! Maddie is strong, but she’s sweet, and she feels things much more than you know. She’s putting up walls that she can’t break down when she’s around your clubhouse all the time.”
“What the fuck do you know about it, Michelle? You don’t know me, and you don’t know my motherfucking daughter! You come in here and make me fall for you. You show Maddie all these things you think are better, and you make us both forget that we’re not made for this kind of life. And that’s sick. That’s damn sick.”
When I finish my rant, I am out of breath and completely exhausted. Every bit of anger and resentment that I have felt is oozing out of me as I spit my venom. And Michelle just takes it, listening to every word. She knows what she has done is wrong, but yet she stands there more resolved than ever.
Her voice lowers as she says, “I didn’t make you fall for me, and I didn’t show Maddie things that are too good for her.”
I throw my hands in the air and lay back into the bed. Michelle sinks to the floor as her back rests against the purple painted wall. Neither of us dare say a word as we try to come to terms with our anger and our feelings. We have managed to both say our piece. But neither of us knew if we could really express what needed to be said.
A few minutes pass as Michelle continues to look down at her hands twisting in knots. She breaks the silence, “Cal, I know you’re a good father. I’ve seen how much you love her and she loves you. Not a day went by when she didn’t talk about you. She needs you, but she also needs a life where she isn’t afraid to go home.”
I look up towards the ceiling as I turn over Michelle’s words in my head. She’s being sincere and, furthermore, she’s right. I’ve been so blinded by my own wants and desires I failed to see the damage I was doing to my own daughter. A ball of guilt wads up in my throat as I try to choke it down. I mutter, “I know, Michelle. I know.”
“I want to give her everything she needs, but I want to do that with you. I don’t want to be Maddie’s sole guardian, and I certainly don’t want to see her go through the pain of losing you again after all that has happened.”
“You want to do this with me?” I look at her hopefully.
She pounds her head back into the wall as she realizes what she has said. It’s a confession I didn’t expect, though I could feel. She closes her eyes and smiles as she blinks and looks back at me, “Yeah, Cal. I want to do this with you.” She holds her hands out defensively, as if she was preparing for me to attack. “I know, I know that is not the kind of thing that you do – serious, um, things. But I care about you. I may even…”
Something in me falls apart and puts itself back together. I know what she is about to say, and I find my heart leaping and turning as she pauses. I whisper as I finish for her, “love you?”
I stand up and walk towards her, giving her my hand. She stands up next to me as she says softly, “Yeah. I just might.”
“What if I said that I might, too?”
“Love me?” she asks, her head moving towards mine. I feel her breath hitch as she waits for my answer.
“Love you,” I reply as I take her around her neck and pull her in for a sweet embrace. Her hands grip around my back as I run my fingers through her still wet hair.
She pulls away as she says excitedly, “I’m so sorry, Cal.” I kiss her again wanting her to know that there is nothing to be sorry about. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to do what was right.”
I pull away slightly as I say, “I know, Michelle. I know. But we’re going to work this out. We’re going to figure it out. You and me, together.”