Chapter Thirteen
“You look tense.”
“I am.”
Fighting always ramped him up, and the anger became more difficult to control, especially when he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to smack Grady down. They stood in her bedroom, and Justice could still feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins, making him jittery. He didn’t know what to do with himself.
“We’re gonna do one of those relaxation exercises.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand. “Nope, I ain’t taken no for an answer this time. Lay down and close your eyes.”
“Etta…”
“Do it.” She pointed at the bed.
“Yes, ma’am.” Justice laid down and tried to clear his thoughts. His heart still raced, and his breath came hard and fast.
“This technique works for panic and anger. Basically, anytime you want to control your emotions, it’ll help. It should calm you down.”
It sounded like mumbo-jumbo to him, but he would play along for her sake.
She placed a hand on his chest. “Breathe in and then blow it out your nose, slow and steady.”
He took deep breaths.
“Think of someplace you find relaxin’. Pick a spot where no one would come after you, hurt you.”
Justice thought about it a moment and picked the perfect place.
Right before he’d gone on his last tour in Afghanistan, he’d stayed at a friend’s condo in Corpus Christi. His buddy had a balcony with large sliding glass doors. Justice had visited in the late spring the nights were cool and crisp. He’d slept on the sofa and pushed the doors open so he could hear the rush of waves below. He remembered feeling nothing but peace and contentment.
“Where are you?”
“I’m just off the beach, listenin’ to the tide roll in.”
“I can work with that.”
Etta turned on a sound machine, and he could hear the waves crashing against the shore.
Instantly, he felt better. His breathing slowed, and his heartbeat steadied. Justice went back there, before he’d been tortured, before he’d been scarred. As he imagined himself standing on the sand, she stroked his chest. Being touched by Etta felt right somehow, made him content.
“Excellent. Now, imagine yourself standin’ the surf, and the water is poolin’ around you, up to your ankles. You’re splashin’ around in the cool water, and it’s calmin’ you down.”
He could almost feel the sea soaking into his skin, chilling him out, washing him clean once more.
Justice drifted for a few minutes, lost in the serenity, completely at ease.
Later, she spoke up. “Feel better?”
“Yes, thank you.” His thoughts were clear, his body was rested, and the fury no longer surged inside him. “You were right. I didn’t think it would work, but it did.”
And he hadn’t used whiskey or weed to get here. The next time he got the urge to smoke a joint, he’d try this instead.
“You’re welcome.”
“I should’ve given in sooner. When you were havin’ nightmares, did it help you, too?”
Etta nodded. “I used to visualize my granddad’s fishin’ pond. We’d go there on Sunday afternoons and sit on the bank together. The memory of it got me through some rough times. With Grady back in the picture, I should try it again.”
“If you’re up to it, I wanna hear more about him and your marriage. I watched the trailer, but it’s time I saw the whole movie.”
Etta winced. “I don’t know…”
“Please?”
After a moment, she nodded. “Give me a few minutes to get my thoughts together.”
***
They’d gotten dressed for bed. He wore his boxer briefs, while she had slipped on a pair of sweatpants, and a T-shirt. It wasn’t particularly sexy, but then again, she wasn’t in the mood. She and Justice wouldn’t be making love tonight.
Grady had a way of ruining everything.
Justice idly flicked through some television shows while he waited for her to speak. Funny how she’d gotten used to having him in her space. If he hadn’t stayed over, she would’ve missed him.
Etta took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”
“Then you have my full attention.” Justice switched off the TV.
She laid back against the pillows and stared straight ahead. It was easier this way when she didn’t have to look him in the eye.
“In the early days, I couldn’t get enough of Grady.” Etta saw him in a different light now, she knew what lurked beneath Grady’s façade. He’d never fool her again.
“Hindsight is a real bitch.”
“Yeah, but I wonder where I’d be, if I hadn’t married him.”
“You wanted to be a psychiatrist, right?”
“Yes, like Dr. Ruth.” Etta dreamt about having famous clients and helping them with their problems. It was a childish fantasy. She’d much rather deal with real people who had serious issues to solve, not spoiled celebrities.
“You still could.”
“Never even crossed my mind. I love my job. One of my professors used to say: social workers stand on the front lines, in the trenches.”
“Boots on the ground.”
“Exactly.” Etta cleared her throat. “Grady had me at a disadvantage. We’re just built differently. He didn’t want to be a lawyer to help other people, Grady was in it for the money and the fame.”
“He’s selfish.”
“Yeah, and I didn’t know how to handle Grady’s lies or his cruelty. Once I burned dinner. I mean, really scorched it, worse than the spaghetti I made for you. Grady forced me to eat the entire thing, bite by bite, all the while tellin’ me what a lousy cook I am. He said he was teachin’ me a lesson, but he enjoyed demeanin’ me.”
And what’s more, she’d let him get away with it. It was humiliating. Not only the memory, but because she’d allowed it to happen in the first place.
“Don’t blame yourself.”
“I try not to, but it’s hard to accept my behavior.” And give herself grace for the mistakes she’d made. “I’m not the same person I used to be, but Grady clearly is.”
Justice nodded.
“He found so many cruel ways to control me. Once, he was upset because I dressed up to go out with my friends, and he accused me of runnin’ around with other men. We’d planned on seein’ a movie, but I couldn’t go after he blackened my eye. There’d be too many questions to answer.” She touched her cheekbone, remembering how it had felt when he’d struck her. “I didn’t know what to tell the girls.”
“Didn’t anyone figure out what was goin’ on?”
“They figured it out, but I did my best to hide it because I was ashamed. I lied to my parents and my friends. I was embarrassed to admit I’d made a huge mistake.” Etta had gone to great lengths to hide the abuse.
“I understand not tellin’ anyone. I felt the same way.”
“Like if I didn’t talk about it, then it never happened?”
Justice sighed. “It’s delusional, but it works.”
“At least in the short term. You know, every single one of them told me marryin’ Grady was a mistake. They said I should get to know him better, and they were right.”
“We’re all hotheads at eighteen or nineteen. When I told my parents I was gonna enlist, they encouraged me to explore all my options, before committin’ to anythin’. But I was hell-bent on it. I wanted to be just like my granddad and my father. And we both know how it turned out.” He groaned. “What about your neighbors?”
She lifted a shoulder. “They called the police a half dozen times, but I never cooperated. I was too afraid, of what Grady would do to me after they left.” Looking back on it, she should’ve made a report a long time ago. “I always thought one day Grady would get carried away, and then it would all be over.” Etta laughed bitterly. “He probably would’ve told the cops I’d fallen down the stairs.”
“Think the police would’ve believed him?”
“Of course, he comes from a well to do family and was studyin’ to be a lawyer. Besides, Grady could be very charmin’, and then turn around and be sadistic, like a regular Jekyll and Hyde.” Etta scrubbed a hand down her face.
“Did you ever fight back?”
“In the beginnin’, but whenever I showed any backbone, he’d only get meaner, and even more heartless. He used to talk about the practice of bride burning in India.”
“I’m not familiar with it, but you said he was a firebug.”
“Yeah, and Grady had this sick sort of fascination with lightin’ women on fire.” Yet another sign that Grady was disturbed. “Basically, a husband’s family burns a woman to death because her folks refused to pay enough dowry. It’s this whole bullshit patriarchal deal, where women as seen as a burden, not as a contributin’ member of society. Accordin’ to Grady, I would’ve been burned alive in India because I came to our marriage with nothin’.”
As if all of the work she did around the house, had no value. Or maybe, in his eyes, she had no value.
Etta shivered, remembering the way he’d hold a match, when lighting the stove, waving it around.
I outta light you up, Etta.
“I’ve had so many nightmares about bein’ set on fire.”
Etta used to wake up screaming, imagining flames shooting up the walls. Smoke clogged her throat and then her lungs. In her nightmares, doors and windows were always locked, and she couldn’t get outside no matter what she did. Etta would pound on them, screaming for help. The flames licked her skin, melting it, turning her into ash, and the agony was unbearable.
And nobody ever came to rescue her.
“Some people get off on inflictin’ pain.”
She swallowed. “It certainly seemed to work for Grady. After batterin’ me, he always wanted to have sex.” Tears burned in her eyes and she blinked them away. Her stomach clenched. “Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel him inside me, and it makes me want to vomit.”
After stripping her bare emotionally, brutalizing her, he removed her clothing too, and then fucked her. It was raw and debasing, and just a step or two above rape. Even thinking about it, made her shake. No wonder she hadn’t been interested in men for so long.
In silent sympathy, Justice laid a hand on her back. He listened and empathized with her because he’d survived his own horrors. Although he hadn’t told her everything yet, Etta just knew, could sense his anguish.
“What pushed you to leave?”
“For weeks, I’d been lookin’ up information on domestic violence, educatin’ myself.”
“Preparin’ to run?”
“I think so, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. That particular night, I knew when Grady got home, I’d be gettin’ a beatin’. Things weren’t going well at school, and he’d just gotten his semester grades. The anxiety was too much for me, and I ran out of the house. Grady had the car, so I took off on foot. The shelter was five miles away, and I hoofed it the entire way. It didn’t last long though, I went right back.”
“Why?
“Grady turned on the charm again. Once more, he was sweet as pie, reachin’ out to my friends and family, sayin’ he wanted me back, and how much he loved me. Like an idiot, I believed him, because I wanted it to be true. I figured I’d given him a wakeup call, and Grady would get some help.”
“But he still hit you.”
“Yes, because he’s an abuser.” She shook her head. “I went to the shelter two more times, tryin’ to leave him, but I always went back. Until that last time.”
“What finally did it?”
“It’s a long story, and I’m exhausted.” Etta straightened, and then brought her legs up to her chest and looped her arms over them. “We’ll tackle it another time.”
“I’m sorry if I pushed you too much.”
“You didn’t.”
“Thank you for trustin’ me.”
Every time she discussed her past, it took a smidge of the fear and ache away, but it still stung, like cleaning a wound with rubbing alcohol.
“Justice…” She lost her nerve.
“What? Tell me.”
“Please don’t hurt me, I couldn’t take it.” Etta realized she had a lot of faith in this man, and it frightened her.
“I will never ever hurt you. I’d rather die.” Justice pulled her into a hug.
Etta inhaled the earthy scent of him and closed her eyes. They held one another for the longest time, and Etta knew he’d never use his strength against her.
After a while, she reluctantly pulled away.
“It’s your turn to talk.”