Ben.

I can only assume the extra stress and exhaustion that a new baby brings has brought on my dreams again.

When we first moved in here, I put together a lighting system so that we were never in the dark at night. It helped Lily sleep easier, but some nights it makes no difference to me. These days, I envy her sleep, even if she’s cramming it in between feeds. I won’t feel sorry for myself, though; she did this once before without my help. If anything, thinking about my past feeds my guilt for not being here when she needed me the most.

Instead, I slide out of bed. Rose woke a short time ago and after a scream, a feed, and a nappy change, she’s fast asleep. I don’t know how long it will last, but I can’t get back to sleep. Not after the horrors I’ve seen in my dreams.

Sometimes, my eyes are still fuzzy when I wake, and I see the blood. I’m covered in the scarlet liquid, and no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it.

I bypass our en suite and head down the other end of the house toward the main bathroom. Stripping off, I run the shower until it’s as hot as I can bear, and I stand under it, letting it drown my bad feelings.

Lily and Max shouldn’t have to deal with this, but then I know from previous experience that I need to talk and not bury my past. This is what nearly did me in before.

I grab the soap and loofah, and begin to scrub. I shower every day when I finish work, but when I’m like this, I’ll never be clean enough. None of it was my fault, and yet I feel responsible. I was sent back to the US for the funeral of my friend afterward, nursing my shoulder injury. Ben had a wife, and a kid on the way.

I knew what it was like to lose the person you loved more than life itself.

When I returned for his funeral, it was the first time I used alcohol to numb the pain. Now, here with Lily, I’ve slipped into the easy routine of having the odd beer with dinner. Getting together with my brothers might mean a barbecue and a couple of dozen beers between us. We don’t have anything stronger in the house, but in this shower, it’s all I can think of.

Lily, Max, and now Rose have filled a gap in my life I never knew existed. That I’m in the shower scrubbing away imaginary blood in the middle of the night, when everything I ever wanted is under this roof with me, fills me with shame. How can it not be enough to chase away the demons of the past?

I don’t want to disturb Lily, so I wrap a towel around my waist after drying off and head into the living room. Lying on the couch, I flick on the television.

“For three easy payments of only 39.95 …” The TV drags on, and it seems that infomercials are the only thing I can find. For a moment, I consider turning on the Xbox and playing, but Max knows exactly where we’re at in every game we own, and if I interfere with that, he’ll be unhappy. I love that kid, and the last thing I want is to upset him. As he grows older, he understands more, and he’s matured a lot since we’ve moved here. But there are still things he obsesses over, and that makes life a little hard at times.

It was Max who convinced me to finally get a Facebook account. Some of the kids at school already have them, even though they’re too young, according to the Facebook rules. Max isn’t allowed one, so he’d decided the next best thing was for his dad to be on there.

I move to the computer in the corner and turn it on.

There’s a friend request. So many people have crawled out of the woodwork these past few weeks to send me them. I’ve been reunited with people from my childhood, and other former servicemen, plus some still serving. I freeze as I see the name on this one.

Jenna McLean.

My finger hovers over the mouse button. Sure, I’m curious about what’s happened to my ex-girlfriend, but is this a good idea? Lily will have my balls if she thinks anything dodgy’s going on.

I’ll just be upfront and tell Lily. Can’t hurt to have a look. Things didn’t end well with Jenna, but then, looking back, we maybe never should have been together. I just didn’t realise until I had the love of my life back what a good relationship was. Lily and I argue like any other couple, but there’s always the love, the overwhelming emotion that comes with your heart being melded to someone else’s.

Now I look back on our time together and realise that’s the way it always was with us. Since we were fourteen.

I click accept and go to Jenna’s page. There’s a million selfies, and she looks good, really good. The smile on her face in most of the pictures is bigger than any she ever had when she was with me. It seems she’s found true happiness, too.

My mouth goes dry when the message window pops up. This isn’t anything I ever considered happening.

Long time, no see.

I pause. I have a sudden urge to crawl into bed with Lily and wrap my arms around her.

Sure is.

Maybe I can keep it brief.

You’re in New Zealand?

Licking my lips, I take a deep breath. I’m half a world away and with the people who really matter to me now. I guess I can have a simple conversation.

I am. Came home about a year and a half ago.

Wow. Never thought that’d happen. You were pretty determined not to go there again.

I close my eyes. We started with so much promise, but things with Jenna didn’t stay happy for long. I made her miserable so many times while I struggled to start a new life. When we’d met, I was on the verge of leaving the army.

My mother has cancer. I came home for her.

And I ended up with everything I ever wanted. My heart warms at that thought.

I’m sorry to hear that. I have to admit, I Facebook stalked you before I sent the friend request. Not that I could see much. How’s everything else?

My profile picture is Max and me. We’re standing out on the deck of the house, his dog, Lucky, sitting next to him. Lily took the photo, and in it, Max has his arms slung around my waist, and mine are around his shoulders. He has the biggest, silliest grin on his face, and my gaze is full of love for the boy beside me, and the lady taking the photo.

Well, I’m back home and back with Lily.

Every other time I’ve replied, those little dots have appeared to show she’s replying. Not this time. It takes a full minute before they appear.

Really? I thought that was all behind you.

So did I, once.

How do I word this without making it sound like I regret having been with Jenna? I take a breath and type.

I did too. Turned out we had some long unfinished business. I have a son.

Another pause.

Is that the boy in your photo?

I smile; I can’t help it. Every time I think of Max, all I want to do is smile. I went from being empty to my heart overflowing because of him. He makes every day better.

It is. His name is Max.

He looks very happy. You both do.

Thanks. We are happy. Things were complicated for a while, but we’re a family now. Lily and I just had a baby girl a few weeks ago.

There’s another pause.

Congratulations. I’m really happy for you, Adam. I knew you never thought it would be a good idea to go home, but it’s obviously been the best thing for you to do.

Thanks. I hope things are going well for you too. If you scroll down the page, there are photos of the four of us together when Rose was born.

When she doesn’t reply, I take a look at my newsfeed. As much as I love catching up with old friends, I love the life I have now. The garage is always busy, and we make a good income from it. Enough to keep us living comfortably, anyway.

You have a beautiful family.

Thank you.

I scroll down for myself and smile at the photo Jenna would have seen. Lily’s in our bed, cradling the baby in her arms with me beside her and Max in front of me. It’s taken after I talked him down. Drew took the photo, and the love in it beams from the screen. It captures one of the best days of my life, and it shows.

You’re up late. What’s the time there?

I look at the computer clock.

2.10 a.m.

Nightmares keep you awake?

I woke up when the baby did, but couldn’t get back to sleep.

“Adam?” Lily’s voice comes from the hallway. Her twisted ankle healed quickly with rest, and a month later I need to find some help still, but she’s forgiven me. I’m still not sure about Corey.

I gotta go. Lily needs me.

Goodnight.

I stare at the screen for a moment. Jenna might not have been the right one for me, but she helped me through the early days when I was dealing with PTSD.

Maybe I should be asking for her help now I’m struggling with it again. Moving back here, setting up the business, and having my family together has been a big distraction. Being busy doesn’t work to shut the darkness out completely, and too much is seeping into my world right now.

Shutting off the computer, I turn around to see Lily walking in the door. “What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.” Her eyes are so tired, but she has that hazy smile on her face. The one she’s had since the baby was born.

“I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to disturb you.” I swivel on the chair and she sits on my lap, leaning her head against mine.

“The bed’s cold and lonely without you.” I plant a kiss on her neck, and she sighs. “Another week or two and that can turn into something more. Especially when you’re only wearing a towel.”

Chuckling against her skin, I wrap my arms tight around her waist. “I’m looking forward to that.”

“So am I.”

I look into those beautiful blue eyes, the eyes filled with so much love that it warms me all over. “Let’s get to bed. I’m sure once I have you in my arms, I’ll sleep like a baby.”

Lily laughs. “I’m not sure if that’s such a good comparison right now.”

“You’re so right. Is she asleep?”

“For the moment.”

I run my fingers through her hair, pulling her closer for a kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you too. Let’s go and make the most of the quiet while it lasts.” She stands, grabs my hands, and pulls me to my feet. “Come on, Campbell.”

For a moment, I take in her face. Her eyes are tired, but they no longer have the dark circles they did when I came back. For her sake and the sake of the baby, she ate better than she had done in years, and her once gaunt figure filled out. She’s radiant, and the glow emanating from her leaves me smiling. This is the happiest I’ve seen her. Do I pull her into my darkness, or let her bask in the light for a while?

“What?” she asks, a smile playing on her lips.

“I’m just thinking about how much I love you. I’ll give you a hundred babies if it leaves you with that happy smile on your face.”

She laughs. “The one we have now is enough for me for the moment, and we’ll see.”

“Two.”

Nodding, she squeezes my hand. “Two. Of all the things we’ve done, I think they’re what we can be most proud of.”

“I agree. I’m glad we’ve got our shit together.”

I pull her into my arms and breathe in that baby smell that Rose leaves behind.

“Speaking of having our shit together, you had better get some sleep if you’ve got more overtime ahead of you.”

“The things I do to keep my lady in the manner to which she’s become accustomed.”

Lily licks her lips. “I swore once I’d live in a tent if you asked me to. That still stands.”

I lead her down the hallway toward the bedroom. “A tent would be no good.”

“Why’s that?”

“I can’t imagine all four of us in a tent. When would I get you alone?”

She laughs as I slip my arm around her waist. “That’s a good point.”

We pause at our bedroom door, and she sighs as I pull her in for a kiss. I love kissing Lily. Her soft, warm lips always bring me comfort and reassurance. Maybe I should stay in bed and kiss her to make myself feel better. Even the thought leaves me feeling selfish when she’s struggling with lack of sleep.

“Come on,” she says, in a tone so soft and loving.

Everything else is forgotten as we go back to our bed.

Even the blood.