I tried not to grin uncontrollably as I looked down at my phone, wishing I could answer it. But it wasn’t an emergency, and I was tied up with the mandatory in-services we were forced to go through monthly. With an inward sigh, I forced the call to go to voicemail, my mind definitely not on weapons now. Why was Benji calling me? Was it because he had experienced the best damn date he could remember? I sure hoped so and the way that my dreams had shifted last night, I could only hope that it wasn’t going to be our only date. I had really enjoyed his company, much more than I ever did when we were growing up. Benji was not only gorgeous but intelligent, his eyes sparkling as he had talked about the gym and all the plans he had for the place. The little voicemail icon popped up, and I felt the sudden rush of excitement as I wondered what he had said. Had he enjoyed the sex as much as I had? Even after he left I could smell him on my skin, my body a bit sore this morning despite just the one, delicious romp. I was already looking forward to the next time. This class couldn’t get over with soon enough now.

Thankfully it didn’t last too much longer, and we were allowed to take a break. I escaped outside, where my conversation wouldn’t be overheard, and I dialed my voicemail, my pulse beating rapidly against my skin. Hey, Danielle, he started, his sexy voice filling my ear. I was wondering if you could come over to my place and help me with some paperwork at your earliest convenience. I, hell, I want to make sure all my ducks are in a row to keep Amelia with me. Give me a callback and let me know when you are available.

I fired off a text to him before I could reconsider, asking him to call me later on. Of course, I was going to help him. Even if our date had been crap, I would still want to help ensure that Amelia was taken care of and despite Benji’s reputation, I felt as if he was going to be a good father to her. They were good for each other.

I looked down at my watch, an all too familiar emotion flooding my body as I realized what the date was and the significance behind it. How could I have just overlooked it? Typically, on this day I made sure I was off so that I wouldn’t have to make it through the day and pretend like everything was fine. Only this morning, I hadn’t been pretending. Benji Lomns had something to do with that. He had distracted me, made me forget just like I had asked him too. Well after this last class, I wouldn’t be forgetting anything.

* * *

Two hours later I walked down to the cemetery, wishing I could visit her grave for real this time. I had, after her death, gone to her grave more than most did. There I had cleared out the weeds, talked to her like she could hear my voice and promise never to leave her. Tom had come the first few times, his comforting hand on my shoulder not providing any level of comfort to me. I knew he was doing everything he could to keep it together himself, and I wasn’t exactly the best person to have gone through something so tragic, but if I hadn’t, then I wouldn’t be wearing the uniform on my person right now.

Climbing the hill that overlooked the rows of tombstones that were in front of me, I sat on the granite bench under a shade tree, looking at the sun then at the headstones. My daughter was buried back home, in a tiny little grave next to the plot that had been in Tom’s family for generations. I couldn’t go visit my daughter whenever I liked now that I moved to Chicago and I was okay with that. It didn’t mean I couldn’t talk with her, reflect on her life that never happened. Idly I wondered if Tom ever visited her, looked down at the little headstone and felt the grief build up in his chest. What would she be like now? Would she be a good mix between the two of us? Would we be happy? It was hard to imagine what it would be like to still be married to Tom, to share in life’s ups and downs as we raised our daughter together.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out, a small smile flitting across my face as I saw Benji’s number on the screen. One thing was for sure, I would have never reconnected with Benji again. Holding it up to my ear, I hoped I didn’t seem too eager. “Benji.”

“Hello Danielle,” he said, his voice warming my insides. “Did you get my message?”

“I did,” I answered. “I would like to bring dinner if that is okay.”

“You don’t have to do that,” he said. “I still owe you a fancy dinner.”

I laughed. “I’m more of a cheeseburger girl.”

“So, it seems,” he answered with a laugh as well. “Come over tonight. Bring whatever you would like. I confess I will be entertaining another woman in my apartment. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” I grinned, thinking of that sweet girl. “See you tonight.”

I hung up the phone, a stupid grin on my face. This was wrong. I wasn’t ready for this, this budding relationship or at least that was the lie I was telling myself. Maybe I was ready. I had spent long enough in the past, worried that if I didn’t, I would forget my daughter.

Pushing up from the bench, I said a small prayer for the smiling face I would never see, the words I would never hear from my daughter’s mouth. I would never forget her, not in a million years. But Benji was perhaps my future. Maybe not my entire future but a good start to what it could be. For the first time in a long while, I looked forward to an evening that didn’t consist of a pint of ice cream and some sappy movie.