“You’ve gotta be fuckin shitting me,” I shout at my laptop as the screen goes black. “Fuckin piece of shite. Two hours of work down the swanny,” I huff to myself. Shoving away from the table I go about making a cuppa, Ma always says tea fixes everything. Not this bloody time it won’t, It’ll take hours to fix that piece of shite; if I can even salvage it.

I hope my work saved before it decided to conk out on me. I snatch my phone off the table and check my Facebook and messages while I wait.

Brooke: Morning.

Kaitlyn: Morning, sorry. I was fighting with my fuckin laptop. How are you?

Brooke: It probably got sick of all the crap they make you write at work.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, it finally gave up the ghost. I was almost done too.

Brooke: You were probably riding it too hard.

Kaitlyn: You’re a dirty minded fucker, your ma must be so proud.

Brooke: She is, she taught me everything I know.

Kaitlyn: What are you doing? Let me guess… You’re fuckin about on your FB instead of working?

Brooke: Erm…

I laugh to myself imagining her face at being caught out online, again.

Kaitlyn: Do I need to kick your arse?

Brooke: Fuck me woman, I’ve only been online for fifteen minutes.

Kaitlyn: Uh-huh.

I laugh my eyebrows raising, I know that’s bollocks, she has been on it for at least an hour and a half from what I’m seeing on her timeline.

Brooke: Okay, I’ve been on a few minutes more than that, so shoot me lol.

Kaitlyn: I gotta go fix my laptop, speak later. Get offline and start working.

Brooke: Yes ma’am, stow the whip.

Kaitlyn: Wuh-pussh, now get to work lol.

I spit out my tea and laugh so hard when I receive a picture of her flipping me off. Fuckin nutter. I throw the remains of me cold cuppa down the sink and get to work disassembling my laptop, piece by piece.

It’s starting to go dark outside by the time I have it in pieces across my kitchen table. My belly rumbles and I realize I forgot to eat again. Shit, Brooke is gonna kick my arse. After rummaging through the kitchen, I settle on cereal. Hey, at least it’s food, plus, fibre is good for you.

I log onto my Facebook while munching on my dinner and tea. My phone goes nuts with notification after notification, there has to be at least fifty from the group I joined recently, it was meant to be a joke. See, I was dared to do it by Brooke, though we’ve never met we have become great friends online and now in real life we message each other all the time, send funny and sometimes dirty pics…Not of ourselves, but of half-naked men.

Yeah, I now have a phone full of semi naked men, I’m single don’t judge!

I enter the group and scroll through what I’ve missed, there has been a lot of discussion on here about BDSM relationships and bondage, I find it fascinating reading about people’s experiences, techniques and the do’s and don'ts.

What I really want to know is if Leo replied to my comment, we’ve spoken a few times on different threads on here. He’s a cocky arsehole, he thinks he knows everything there is to know, like he’s God's fuckin gift to women.

“You have gotta be fuckin shitting me.” I growl in frustration and set about putting the cheeky bastard in his place.

Last night I was engaged in a conversation about people’s views and thoughts on anal sex. I happened to mention that I’ve never trusted a man enough to take that step; I commented and then logged off. It now has a number of replies, including one from Leo DeLuca.

God’s gift to women hasn’t even got a picture of himself as his profile picture. Huh, maybe he’s scared of all the fawning women. Maybe he's ugly...Typical me, liking the ugly one of the group. I giggle to myself and read all the comments, they’re all encouraging until he sticks his neb in.

Leo DeLuca: I would love to educate you, in all things.

“You absolute fuckin twat,” I mutter, shaking my head. I hit reply and take a minute to think about what I want to say. I laugh as I see Brooke come online, I know she’ll see everything and will be texting me in three, two, one, ping.

Brooke: Do you see what he put?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, just about to reply. Aren’t you supposed to be working?

Brooke: Err, no?

Kaitlyn: GET TO WORK.

Brooke: Okay, but text me if it gets good.

Kaitlyn: Okay, now go.

I burst out laughing as a gif of the word cockblocker pops up on my screen.

Kaitlyn O’Roarke: Is your “equipment” supersized? ‘Cause it’d have to be a monster to reach Ireland.

I click reply and re-read the thread, to me he looks like an arrogant dick but from all the likes and comments with laughing stickers his comment has other people think he’s funny. I nearly drop my phone when his reply pops up.

Leo DeLuca: It definitely gets the job done. But how do you know I’m not from Ireland? Have you been stalking my profile?

Kaitlyn O’Roarke: I’m not even touching the first half of that comment, but as for the second; I’ve looked since you have no picture.

Leo DeLuca: If you want to touch you’ll have to earn it. You want a picture? Of what part of me exactly?

I laugh at his reply, now imagining certain parts of his anatomy.

Jesus, stop imagining giant cocks.

I push the images of monster dicks out of my head and type.

Kaitlyn O’Roarke: Hmm, you can send me a pic of your…Head?

What the fuck? Now I’m flirting with the eejit? Although people are liking our comments so maybe he’ll just take it as a joke?

Leo DeLuca: If you get a pic of me, it’s only fair I get one in return.

Kaitlyn O’Roarke: You want a picture? But, we’re not even friends Mr, DeLuca.

No sooner have I replied when a friend request from Leo DeLuca pops up. I’m in total shock, I stare at my phone blankly for a full minute before my curiosity gets the better of me and I click confirm.

I immediately start going through his info, he owns a chain of Italian restaurants around the U.S., single, thank god.

“Wait, what? You are not interested Kaitlyn,” I mutter. “Oh great, now I’m talking to myself.”

He appears to be quite successful. His pictures reveal nothing of what I imagine he looks like, he has numerous pictures where his family has tagged him but they haven’t actually tagged to a specific person. He has plenty of pictures of places he’s visited, it’s obvious he enjoys traveling.

Leo: You won’t find any pictures of me on my profile.

I jump, when a private message from Leo pops up, I almost drop my phone.

Fuck me, scare the shite outta me.

Kaitlyn: I wasn’t even looking at your Facebook page.

Leo: Do you like eating in fine restaurants?

Kaitlyn: I love Italian restaurants.

Leo: Right, wasn’t looking my ass.

Leo: So, about that picture you were going to send.

Kaitlyn: Do you like pussy?

I laugh as I press send, imagining his face as he reads my message.

Leo: Is that a trick question? Of course I like pussy, I’m a guy.

Kaitlyn: Tell you what, I’ll send a picture of mine in exchange for a picture of you?

Leo: Deal. You first.

I giggle to myself imagining his reaction.

Leo: I’m waiting.

I pick the cutest picture take a deep breath and click send.

Leo: Damn, that’s a really, pretty pussy. I gotta say I’m a little disappointed, though.

Kaitlyn: What you don’t like Mr, Willy Shakespaw?

When he finally replies it’s a laughing sticker.

Leo: Poor Willy.

Kaitlyn: Willy is treated like a king. My pussy loves me. Now where is my pic?

Leo: I don’t think you deserve one for that.

Kaitlyn: What? That’s cheating you wanted a pic and I sent one. Now cough up.

Leo: Okay, hang on, I’m trying to find a good one.

I wait, impatiently tapping my fingers on the table. When the photo pops up I burst out laughing, on the screen is the cutest picture of a chocolate brown Labrador puppy with the softest eyes cuddled into the chest of who I presume is Leo, the only visible body part is a strong, tanned hand.

Kaitlyn: That’s teasing.

Leo: Still counts though, at least my hand is in the picture.

Kaitlyn: Okay, how about we each send a real picture this time?

Leo: Okay.

When the real picture pops up I lose my breath, shite he’s fuckin hot. No wonder he doesn’t have pictures everywhere, women would be swamping his Facebook. It’s only a shot of his head and neck but he’s a sight to behold.

His dark brown hair is slicked back but an errant wave has fallen forward on his brow, it’s sexy. His eyes are gorgeous, a deep whiskey colour; they draw you in, captivating you. His dark tan is set off beautifully by the scruff across his jaw, his strong neck framed by a pristine white shirt collar. He definitely has that dark and dangerous look about him, I imagine his smile would be devastating.

“Well, now I can put a face to me fantasies,” I sigh, this situation is just typical. The most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen not only lives half a world away but he’s arrogant and argumentative. This has to be too good to be true.

Kaitlyn: Are you sure you’re not married?

Leo: I’m pretty sure, why?

Kaitlyn: There is no way you look like that and aren’t shackled to a debutant.

Leo: No. No shackling here. Are you married?

Kaitlyn: Why would I be married at my age?

Leo: How old are you?

Kaitlyn: Twenty-eight. You?

Leo: Thirty-four.

Katilyn:See? I’m too young to be married.

Leo: Good.

Huh, I wasn’t expecting just that.

What does it mean? Is he happy I’m not married? Why?

Kaitlyn: I’m sorry to cut this short but I have a laptop to put back together before my bedtime.

Leo: Hey listen, I gotta go, have some work stuff to take care of, but I'll talk to you soon.

I laugh as both of our messages crossover at the same time. Leo sends a laughing sticker.

Kaitlyn: Bye.

I type and put my phone on silent and in the draw so I’m not tempted to keep checking on it.