Well that explained every fucking thing, didn’t it? I felt like an even bigger asshole now than I ever did. All this time I thought Jaya hated me for changing our plans, for leaving her to go the Navy without much notice. Fuck that, without any notice. I could admit that now.

I’d been thinking about joining for a few months but I didn’t know how to tell her because I didn’t want to leave her. Worse, I didn’t want her to talk me out of going because I never wanted to resent her. So I’d gone to the Navy recruitment center close to campus, signed all the paperwork and told her at the last fucking minute. And now I realize what exactly I had lost. Why Jaya had been so hostile towards me.

Idiot that I was I thought she’d been hanging on to teenage heartbreak when it had been so much more than that.

Pregnant.

Alone.

Abandoned.

That’s exactly how Jaya must have felt when she never heard from me, because it’s exactly what I would have felt. Hell, that’s how I had felt when she never reached out to me, never cared whether or not I had survived basic training. War. I’d felt abandoned and alone, when I’d thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Now I knew the truth.

When the door closed on a quiet click upstairs I took the seat Jaya had vacated and picked up the sonogram, dated almost four months to the date of my departure for recruit training. Twenty–two weeks. Baby boy Martinson. We would have had a fucking boy. My son.

It explained so much, yet somehow explained nothing at all. How could someone wear socks this tiny? The Navy onesie looked like it had been made for a doll. No wonder Jaya was a mess. And she had to deal with this level of grief every year? For the past decade? Hell knowing what I did it was a miracle she’d even let me get close enough to inhale her sweet scent, let alone touch her. Make love to her.

I packed the items away, making sure to snap a photo of the sonogram so I could have a copy for myself. Fuck I needed answers but I couldn’t disturb Jaya, she obviously needed the oblivion of sleep.

But first I needed to do something. Anything to take care of Jaya in a way she couldn’t outright refuse. So, I went to the kitchen and pulled out Italian sausage, onions, peppers and tomato sauce. I sautéed the vegetables and sausages, added the sauce, seasoning and herbs, letting it simmer while my mind refused to quiet down. Why didn’t I receive those emails? Her lack of communication had left me feeling angry, rejected and questioning every moment we’d ever spent together.

I went in search of paper and left a note on the counter about the food, now warming in the oven. I did go upstairs to check on her and left her phone on vibrate on the nightstand beside her. Taking one final look at her, I left with all of my questions unanswered.

But I knew just who had the answers I needed.

***

“So how long have you both known that Jaya was pregnant when I left for the Navy and then miscarried?”

I drove straight from Jaya’s house to Lake Shore Drive, slamming on the brakes in Ma’s guest parking spot and hardly able to contain my impatience to see them. Ma had been surprised and then worried when I insisted she accompany me to Sharon Martinson’s apartment.

“Colt we thought you knew,” Sharon answered calmly. Green eyes so like her daughter’s staring at me with concern.

My fist slammed on the dining table in anger, making the plate of macadamia nut cookies jump a few inches in the air.

“You thought…you both thought I knew about the baby and chose to abandon it and Jaya?” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or angry, so I went for both. “You too Ma?”

Ma took her time, the way she used to when Garrett and I were kids, formulating her answer so it was firm but kind. And giving us plenty of time to squirm. Only this time I didn’t squirm. I waited impatiently.

“I figured there was a reason you didn’t answer her emails, and once you finished basic training I didn’t want to burden you while you were off doing dangerous things.”

“But you never brought it up, not once.”

“Jaya asked us not to,” Sharon said from the kitchen, bringing three crystal tumblers and a decanter of scotch, or maybe whiskey. I didn’t give a damn which because it’s just what I needed. “She was so devastated by the miscarriage that she didn’t want to bring it up again. For about two weeks after leaving school she didn’t even talk, just walked around like a half-dead zombie. Finally, she told me she didn’t want to talk about the baby anymore, ever again.”

“A couple months later she announced she was returning to school. In Louisiana.” Ma placed a hand on top of mine, sympathy all over her face. I hated it.

“Well contrary to what you both think, I found out about the baby about an hour ago when I found Jaya crying over a few keepsakes. Including a sonogram.”

“Oh honey,” they said simultaneously, both women descending upon me in a cloud of expensive perfume and pure mom loving. They hugged me for a long time and finally Sharon pulled back first, cupping my face with a soft smile. “How can that be?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.”  It just didn’t make sense. “I got messages from Ma and Garrett all the time but never any from Jaya.”

“Well yeah but the first couple I sent after basic training bounced back.” Ma’s brows furrowed and she dropped back into her seat rather ungracefully.

“How is that possible? My military address was activated…right away.” Shit. Shit, shit and double shit. “Jaya didn’t have my Navy email address.” She must’ve sent it to my old college email address. For all my talk of Jaya never reaching out to me…, “I never even gave her a way to contact me when I left.” We’d parted ways after an ugly fight and there hadn’t been any time to make up because I left too soon. Dammit! “It’s all my fault.”

“It seems like she’s forgiven you,” Sharon said, eyes warm and kind. “You’ve gotten close again.”

That was true, at least it had been until a couple hours ago. “I’m not so sure anymore Sharon.”

“Then what the hell are you doing here with us. Not that we don’t love having you here,” Ma added with a small tilt of her lips. “You should be there for her when she’s ready to talk. Or just hold her while she cries.”

That sounded nice, and it had the benefit of being exactly what I wanted to do. Wrap Jaya in my arms and let her know I would always be there for her. Yeah that sounded nice. I opened my mouth to speak but Sharon stopped me.

“Don’t let her push you away Colt. She’s hurting and she thinks it’s easier to do it alone. It’s not, and if you love her, which I suspect you do, you should be there with her.”

I stood and kissed Ma and then Sharon on the cheek and left as quickly as I’d entered less than an hour ago. I had to back to my girl.

While I still had a chance to keep her.