CHAPTER NINETEEN
SERAPHINA
Being alone is a numbing experience. It's a moment that cradles you in naked, raw introspection. It's a time where thoughts are released to fly freely, for their voices to whisper in your ear about the nightmares you endured, about the battles you lost, and about the truth beneath all the public facades you'd donned in order to appear like you had your shit together.
I've lied to many people in my life. My family never knew I was sexually active at twelve. They didn't know I'd started abusing hard drugs by the same age. They had no clue I was never home late at night when I should have been tucked away, safe beneath the warmth of my bedroom covers. As far as they were concerned, I was an emotionally challenged girl, one who needed time in hospitals and therapy with multiple shrinks, but they never knew exactly why.
Not that they truly cared. My mother only wanted the perfect daughter to make her new husband and friends believe she was a perfect woman. So instead of simply asking me why I was the way I was, she shoved me off on someone else - forgot about me while she hid me away.
Needless to say, it didn't work. I kept abusing my body. I kept abusing drugs. But it was during those times when I was locked up for my own good that I discovered how awful it was to be alone.
A person can lie to other people all day long without the fact being revealed that, in truth, they feel scared and abandoned inside. They can fight and they can rage just to pretend they're stronger than they really are.
But the one thing a person can't do is lie to themself, at least not in the long term - and that is who you are left with when alone.
I've spent more time alone than any one person should have to be in their lifetime. I've spent that time in hospitals. I've spent that time in dark rooms. I've spent it in chains and I've spent it in pits dug deep inside the ground. And in all those places, I had no one to talk to but myself.
However, beyond all those times, those experiences, those moments when I was left to stare unblinking at a woman who had failed in life more times than I'd like to admit, there wasn't a more harrowing time for introspection than the hours I spent alone after Anthony left the playroom.
How stupid had I been to drop my guard? To believe that I saw in him something I kept buried down deep in myself? He wasn't any different than Aiden or any of the men who'd abused me. He still locked me in this place. He still bound me to this chair and left me here to sit and stew while he ran off to see to his guests. He didn't care that I was naked and helpless, that at any time, one of those guests could walk in and hurt me in ways I'd been hurt a million times before.
All he'd done was feed me, and I'd taken that small act of kindness and blown it up into something genuine about a man I knew nothing about. I'd offered him my secrets and my obedience, only to have him deny me and direct me back into the arms of a cold, unfeeling monster.
After pouring my heart out through the tears that escaped my eyes, despite my promises to never let another bastard make me cry, I'd sniffled as much as I could, but finally lost the war against whatever evidence of my pain decided to dribble disgustingly down my face.
I sat like that for what I assumed was hours before the door opened again to reveal the bastard I hated the most - the one who should have let me die, alone and out of my mind, in a field so many years ago. I'd escaped him once when he sold me, only to be returned again when I found myself on the precipice of death for the second time.
Perhaps that meant I should stop teasing myself with the idea of sweet release. Every time I tried, life had a way of delivering me into an even worse form of Hell.
"We'll need to clean you up before moving along to the adventure I have planned for you."
His eyes studying my face, Aiden strode forward, his hands tucked in his pockets, his face a mask of absolute calm in that moment. I wasn't called disgusting for the state of my face, wasn't beaten or tossed aside for not being pretty enough to fuck, wasn't treated in any way that told me I'd displeased him.
And that bothered me.
Deeply.
The only small weapon I still had against the assholes that used and abused me, humiliated me and tossed me aside, had been my refusal to comply with the standards they'd demanded of me.
I wouldn't be a prim and proper pet. I wouldn't beg and plead just to stop a beating. I wouldn't worry about snot dripping from my nose or blood caking on my skin in places that were unsettling to the average man. I was a human being. I had bodily fluids and functions just like everybody else, and if they were fucked up enough to leave me in a situation where I couldn't tend to myself, then they could deal with the sickening evidence of my humanity.
No matter how much they wanted to relegate me as something inanimate and undeserving of care, my body and all it produced would always remind them differently.
"Turned off by a little bit of snot?" I asked.
His lip twitched with humor as he opened a closet door. "If I were worried about a little snot, I would have left this particular career a long time ago. Women can be disgusting when they're not given the time to pamper themselves. But it's only temporary. Eventually they all preen for whatever audience they're given."
Grabbing a few white, terry cloth towels, he spun in my direction. "If you were hoping I'd find you distasteful enough to leave you here by yourself, you're wrong. I've seen it all, Sera."
Our eyes locked, neither of us giving ground if our expressions had anything to say about it.
"And like the rest, you will eventually walk the line I draw. Of that, I have no doubt. Which leaves us with the pressing issue for now. Regardless of whether you like it or not, you will attend a dinner I've planned. The question being: Will you arrive to that dinner on hands and knees, or will you arrive tossed over my shoulder?"
My eyes narrowed in hatred. He grinned and said, "I have no preference either way."
Recalling what Anthony had said to me about submission, I vacillated between making this easy by agreeing to crawl or making it difficult for both of us.
Had Anthony stayed in the room with me, had he not made it clear there was no way out of the position into which I'd been placed with Aiden, I might have chosen to crawl in hopes it would release me from subservience to a man I detested above all else.
But he hadn't.
So I chose the road less traveled.
"I'm not crawling."
Aiden placed the towels on a table to his side. "That's unfortunate. And to think I was going to be nice enough to let you clean up before dinner."
Before I could process that he was moving, Aiden gripped the plastic cuff that bound my wrists together. Lifting my arms up until I thought my shoulders would be forced out of socket, he left me no choice but to stand from the seat. As swiftly as he'd accomplished that, he spun me, still holding my bound arms at a painful angle behind my back, my body bending over in an effort to relieve the pressure.
Silently, he knelt down to position his shoulder beneath the bend in my body. I was lifted into the air, my feet kicking uselessly at his back, my arms pulled tighter above my head until I had no other way to release the pain than to scream.
"Every time you kick me, I'll pull your arms more," he spoke over the cry of pain escaping my throat. "I will break you, Sera. Do not doubt me on that."
Carrying me out of the playroom, he weaved the maze of halls through his house. I'd only glimpsed the space outside of the two rooms where I'd been kept since arriving here and had no true idea of the size of his mansion until now. I assumed there were multiple wings, each for their own purpose as I turned my head to take note of the directions he took, the corners he turned to find a door leading outside. My chance of escape was slim under the watchful eyes of both Aiden and Anthony, but I memorized the path regardless.
My earlier captors had believed it impossible for me to escape. That had been their mistake. I could only hope that it would be Aiden's mistake as well.
With every step he took came a shock of pain across my nerves. My face was crushed into his abdomen, my arms held like levers that could deliver searing agony at his whim. At any moment my tendons could snap. I grit my teeth so tightly the enamel must have cracked beneath the pressure.
Sunshine hit my skin as soon as we stepped outside, my ass bared to it, a tingle running across my skin at the comforting warmth I hadn't felt since arriving to this place. Every room in that damn house was kept like a freezer. The only courtesy the sun could grant me was to help my muscles relax beneath its warm embrace, the agony of the way I was carried chased away just enough to let me draw in a ragged breath.
The wind whispered in to dance along my skin carrying with it the sound of conversation in the distance. I attempted to turn my head to see the landscape that spread out before us, but when I tried, Aiden pulled down on my arms to remind me of the pain he would inflict. My nose pressed against his shirt, all I could smell was laundry detergent and cologne, the scent wonderful and repulsive at the same time.
I'd noticed a foul odor while trapped in the playroom and only now recognized that the scent had come from me.
The conversation grew louder as Aiden continued forward and a hush fell over the speakers. One more tug of Aiden's hands and I was flipped feet over head, my body colliding with the ground, my arms burning with pain where they were trapped beneath me. Dust kicked up all around me and I made the mistake of opening my eyes to allow it to seep in and burn. I attempted in vain to blink it away, but the more I tried, the more painful it became.
"The honored guest has arrived," Aiden said above me, his voice droll, his shoe kicking more dirt in my direction as he moved away.
I heard two women gasp, and a man sigh heavily. "Did you really have to treat her like a piece of meat?"
The exotic cadence of the voice told me it was Anthony who spoke to Aiden with such censure.
"She stinks," Aiden answered, as if that alone excused the pain he’d caused me.
"Son of a ..." Anthony's voice growled out of him and I heard footsteps in my direction. Without being able to see anything beyond the sunlight behind my eyelids, I winced when a shadow dulled the haze of light, cried out when two arms lifted me from the ground and carried me away.
I wasn't sure how far we traveled. I couldn't open my eyes to discover where I'd been taken, but when I was set on the ground carefully, seated this time instead of flat on my back, I heard water moving next to me and bird song in the distance.
His voice low so that only I could hear it, Anthony said, "I'm going to cut your binds. Take care not to move your arms until we've determined whether there is any injury to your shoulders."
"My eyes," I whispered, helplessness edging my voice.
"We'll wash them out, but I need you to remain still."
Lulled into false comfort by a voice that soothed me and a familiar scent that seduced me away from the edge of panic, I held still as he reached around my body to cut the plastic tie at my wrists. As soon as it released, my arms wanted to swing lose to my sides, but his strong hands grabbed me at the biceps and held my arms in place.
"I'll move them slowly, Sera. Tell me immediately if you feel pain."
Gingerly moving my arms, his grip was warm and strong against my skin. I felt aches and discomfort in the muscles and tendons, but nothing that screamed it was broken or torn. By the time my arms were fully at my side, I breathed out heavily with gratitude and relief.
"By your lack of tears, I think it's safe to assume you've suffered no major injury." His voice lowered to a bare whisper. "What did you do to upset him, Sera? And why?"
"I don't cry," I said instead of answering the question he'd asked. "I never cry." It was a lie, bold and blatant, but lies were all I had left. I'd been stripped down to the bone, every bit of my pride and self-worth peeled away until all that was left was an empty husk. I remained warm by wrapping myself in a blanket of lies.
I should have known a man like him could take that away as well, exposing me to the cold and bitter truth.
"If I didn't already see the streaks running down your face from your tears, I would still know you're being dishonest. Why lie, Sera? Why prevent me from reaching you on some level where I can hope to help you?"
I didn't respond - couldn't - not with his body heat washing across my skin and the scent of him wafting beneath my nose. He smelled like sunshine in a meadow of wildflowers, or like the sea crashing against a shore. Everything beautiful and wild about this world was a note tangled into the cologne he wore, so different from me, and yet pulling at something within me that was the same.
"What did you do to Aiden?"
My breath ragged, I shook my head in weak refusal, finally giving in to the silence between us by speaking the truth. "I refused to crawl out here."
"Why?"
My lips pulled into a thin line, my eyes still burning from the dirt trapped beneath the lids. "I will never crawl for him again."
Anthony was silent, and in the space that felt hollow between us I sensed his eyes studying me, his thoughts racing through his lovely head calculating and deducing until he felt satisfied he knew me better than I knew myself.
I felt him stand up, but he didn't move away. Panic didn't overtake me until I heard a belt buckle being unclasped, a zipper being tugged down.
"No," I started to say, giving up the stupid refusal when I knew it would only turn him on to take what he wasn't freely given. It turned them all on when I fought against the violation because it gave them a sense of superiority they had no right to claim.
His knees cracked softly when he knelt down. "No, what?"
Shaking my head, I bit my lower lip to keep from responding. Although he'd already used his hand to assault me sexually, I didn't want to believe he would go so far as to rape me out in the open like this...in front of the people who were far enough away that I could only barely hear them speaking.
Surely, Anthony had more class and style than to do something as barbaric as that.
"Would you prefer I carry you into the water fully dressed?"
Confusion drew my brows together. "What?"
Soft laughter echoed in the cool breeze around me. "How else am I supposed to clean you off? Tossing you in isn't the best idea given how sore your arms must feel."
Picking me up before I could object, he cradled me against his chest, his skin smooth, supple and warm against my naked body.
I reached out to throw my arms over his shoulders, my fingers clasping over the steel of his physique beneath his skin. And still the scent of him arrested me, lulled me, chased away the pain of Aiden's cruelty to replace it with an unfamiliar kindness.
A breath hissed over his lips at the same time I could hear water splashing below me. "It's extremely cold," he warned mere seconds before the first lick of moisture caressed my feet.
"I guess it's a good thing the sun is warm," I whispered.
Laughter shook his chest and shoulders. "I guess so. A few weeks earlier and we would have been buried in the last blast of winter's snow."
He paused for a moment, most likely gathering his own nerve to dip deeper into the frigid water. "I'm going to lower you down, take a breath, hold it and release it when you are submerged. It'll help alleviate the pins and needle pain."
I did as I was told - for once - and sucked in as big a breath as my lungs would allow. In unison, our bodies lowered into the ice-cold water. It felt like razors were being dragged across my skin. Remembering what Anthony had said, I released the breath to alleviate the pain, and pulled my arms from his neck to wipe the dirt from my eyes. Also taking the opportunity to scrub the other gunk from my face, I opened my eyes to find him staring down at me intently.
"There's the beautiful color I've been waiting for. Your eyes are exquisite in the sunlight."
Damn him. Damn him to Hell. He was pulling me in again with his sweet tongue and kind actions. Desperate to believe that what I saw in him during the private moments was real, I had to fight to remember where I would end up when he led me back to a man I couldn't stand.
"Your lips are turning blue. We should get out of the water now that you're clean."
Not waiting for me to respond through chattering teeth, he walked out of the water and set me down on the grass. It wasn't until I glanced up that I noticed he'd been completely naked with me in the water. And the sight of him? My body responded to that sight in ways that made me want to hate myself and praise the heavens all at the same time.
The lack of tan lines tipped me off immediately that the dark, bronze of his skin was all natural and not a result of time spent in the sun. And beneath that smooth skin that made me clench my fingers just to keep from reaching up to touch him was a physique perfectly chiseled and defined by the light and shadows across his body - a map directing me to the definition of muscle and sheer strength that invited me to run my fingers along it to explore every inch. Broad shoulders led down to a defined chest and rippled abdomen. Like a ladder leading down to a woman's private paradise, his abs begged me to explore further, to run my eyes down to tight hips and a cock that wasn't small despite the freezing cold water of the lake.
His arms and legs were perfectly toned but not so bulky he couldn't move with the masculine grace I'd come to associate with only him.
Utterly spellbound by the perfect male specimen that stood before me, I failed to notice the way in which he stared back at me - at least until I looked up to see fire behind his amber eyes and a slight twist to his lips that belied the amusement he felt for the way I stared helplessly at his body.
Even wet, his hair looked like silk that fell down in thick strands to dust the breadth of his shoulders. I remembered the smell of his shampoo, the uncontrollable desire I'd had to run my fingers through that silk as he fed me in the playroom. I had the same urge now to shove my fingers into his hair that was dark as midnight just to fist my hand and never let go. But there was still the whisper of warning in my thoughts, the reminder that the man who had shown me a small amount of kindness was also the same man who had delivered me to Aiden without concern or regret.
"Don't look at me like that, Sera," he warned.
Licking my lips, I asked, "Like what?"
"Like -" His words cut off as caution flared behind his eyes. Shaking his head, he reached down for his clothes and pulled them on. Retraining his gaze on me after he was fully dressed, he knelt down so that we were eye to eye.
"I know you don't like the man that owns you, but you don't help yourself by fighting against him. Be intelligent in this and play the game."
Silence fell between us for several beats before he flashed me a sad smile. "We have to get back to the group. Do us both a favor and do so on your hands and knees. It will only make your life easier ... and mine."