Chapter 40
Anna
“Mommy, what makes it go thump-thump like that? It moves so close together, then it stops for a little bit. And then it shakes and goes thump-thump again. Why? How does it do that?”
“Well, simple, darling. You see, for the human body to live, the heart has to pump blood throughout our body. Without any of our vital organs receiving blood, we die.”
I poked at the round thing that kept moving, smearing the blood along the front before turning back to look at her.
“So, if this isn’t working, she dies?”
“Exactly. Why? Are you ready to make it stop, Annalise?”
My eyes went back to the woman lying on the table. Her breasts were gone and her face was now red and unrecognizable. The makeup I’d applied at the beginning was somewhere underneath the gashes and smeared crimson. Now, all that was left was a cut-up body with a hole in its chest and two smaller indents where the breasts used to be. How she was even still alive, I wasn’t sure. I knew the thump-thumps were slowing. They always did if we made it to this point. It never took long for me to either end them or them to end themselves.
“Do they have to stop this time, Mommy?”
“Always, Annalise. No one hurts us and gets away with it. This woman right here took your daddy away. End her, right now. Show her we don’t forgive or forget.”
The handle of the knife was thrust into my hand and I turned, glancing at the woman’s face before going back to stare at the thump-thumps. Confusion mixed with other emotions I didn’t understand. But even at seven, I’d learned to push them away. Only one thing came to me: words.
My mother had ingrained them into me since before I could understand the meaning of them. Something I’d heard her say countless times upon the death of our victims. This time, I beat her to the punch as I used both hands to clutch the knife and raise it over my head.
“So long, bitch.”
“Anna? You’re awake?”
I blinked the memories away, turning to face Braden, who had been asleep. He insisted we sleep together, and truth was, I was too exhausted to argue at the time. What did it matter? He wouldn’t touch me. He knew better now. And it was for the best. I had so much rage inside me, I was surprised my body hadn’t somehow exploded from the pressure I felt because of it. Crying did nothing to help the endless need to expel some sort of outburst. Even screaming until my voice was damn near gone didn’t help. I’d already tried that. I was beyond being saved. Nothing would make me better. Nothing but killing No One.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Green eyes heavily closed, only to snap back open. He rolled to his side and propped his head up to rest on his fist.
“Do you need anything? We can talk if you want to.”
My head shook. “I’m fine.”
“We both know you’re not. I wish you’d just talk to me. It might make you feel better. It might help us.”
“There’s nothing to say you don’t already know, Braden. Besides, you’re tired. Get some sleep.”
The more I spoke, the more I could see him becoming aware. Why he’d even woken up to begin with was beyond me.
“I slept. Now, I’m awake. And it doesn’t matter what I know. Say whatever you want again. I’ll listen. I won’t say a word.”
Some part of me wanted to laugh, but the anger quickly snuffed it out. “That’s a lie. We both know you can’t help but ask questions. It’s who you are.”
“If you’re willing to speak, I’m willing to keep my mouth shut.”
My lips went to purse and I looked back up at the ceiling. There was so much inside my head. The thoughts were racing; the voices were persistent.
“I lied to the FBI.”
“What?”
My face shot back to him. “I told you.”
Braden’s mouth closed, only to open, but closed again. His hand came up and he got quiet. After a few seconds, I sighed and looked back up to the ceiling.
“Have you ever been forced to do something you don’t want to do? When he made me kill those women, I didn’t want to initially do it. I really didn’t. But somewhere in the middle, my numbness wore off. I got angry and saw people I wanted to hurt. Then, for the briefest moments in between, I was back home. Back with my real mom. It was like I wasn’t even really cutting them apart while I was in the present. I was so little. So…at peace. My mind tells me I was like that because I was transferring my guilt to a guilt that was okay. A guilt I had been pardoned from. I’d be pardoned this time again, no doubt. Thing is,” I said, looking over to face him, “this time, I knew the difference of how wrong it was. This time, I think I liked it more.”
At Braden’s unreadable expression, I continued.
“He told me he informed you of what I did in high school. Did you not discover anything, or did you refuse to look?”
Still, silence. Braden was closing off to me. He was afraid, as he should have been. I loved him somewhere deep inside me, but I could barely feel it anymore. I was so cold. Dead.
“It’s not too late to tell the FBI about those women, Anna. You’ve been through a lot. You’re afraid. Obviously, you’re traumatized by the events. They’ll understand.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
He licked his lips, pressing them together before his jaw tightened. “I’m going to pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to know.”
An odd aching clutched at my chest and I took a moment to study his face. “You refused to look into it?”
“Like I said, I don’t, nor do I want to know what you’re talking about. What I do want is to hold you. Will you let me hold you? Just for a little while.”
He didn’t want to discover my secrets? He didn’t want to believe them or try to throw me away in jail for a crime I committed?
The ice almost seemed to thaw a little as I let the meaning sink in. So many thoughts continued. So many questions. Would he do anything about me killing No One? Would he help me find him? No. Better not take that route. But…could I do it without anyone knowing it was me? Would Braden keep his suspicions to himself?
There was a softening inside as I watched his arm come out and his head lay back on the pillow. Trust battled with my guarded self and I felt myself inch closer. He didn’t pull me to him, like I was afraid he would. Instead, he waited patiently for me to finally make it to his side. My heart was racing as I fitted myself against him. The scent of his shaving cream let comfort break through and my body began to relax. To have any contact at all, consensually, was so foreign to me.
Muscles from his bicep and shoulder flexed as he brought his arm up and drew me in more. My forehead rested against his cheek and my breasts were pressed into his chest. Lust stirred, regardless of the fact that I didn’t want to feel it. I wanted comfort, security, and once again, my body was betraying me. But it wasn’t like with No One. Braden wouldn’t rape me. He wouldn’t take me against my will.
“Everything’s going to be okay, baby. Jesus, I’ve missed this. I’ve miss you so much. I don’t think I can say that enough.”
His voice sounded weak, and the stirring inside me increased. I had always been the one to offer comfort. I was a natural caregiver. My whole life, I had morphed myself into being someone I wasn’t and now that my fog was slightly lifted, I didn’t know who to be.
My hand lifted and there was hesitation on my part as I brought it to his side. The hard hug he gave me sent my body jolting to a tense state.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Anna. Just sleep. Please, sleep. Give me one good night, right here in my arms.”
Sleep. Yes, when was the last time I’d actually gotten more than an hour or two at a time? The nightmares left me screaming out into all hours of the day and night. I was beyond exhausted. The dark circles under my eyes were proof of that.
Soft humming sounded and I listened to Braden’s smooth voice as he began to lightly sing a song I couldn’t understand. The lyrics pulled at my mind, making it even more tired to the hypnotic tune. Before I could think to fight the fear that would inevitably come, darkness surrounded me, and I was floating. But I was safe.