Keith
As I watch her retreat, the emotions roaring through me threaten to claw their way to the surface. Anger, frustration, then in the aftermath, comes pain and defeat.
I can’t fathom why I feel like this. I should be happy she’s disregarding what’s growing between us as nothing more than an obsession of sex with each other. It should exhilarate me to know she’s not falling for me; that I have it completely wrong inside my head.
But, it doesn’t. It feels like my heart is sluggishly beating inside my chest; that with each painful thud, it nearly encompasses me in a state of disillusionment.
Natalie has completely mind-fucked me beyond all compare. I have no idea if up is down and down is up at this point. I’ve only had one person, in all my years, to toss me to the side as if I didn’t matter, and that’s Jennifer.
She stole from me, led me to believe that her love for me was real, then ran off into the sunset with half my clientele. She is the reason I find it hard to trust any female. Especially, if they’re looking at me like they want more than a quick fuck.
I learned my lesson the hard way, and I don’t ever want to be there again. But, with the emotions rolling through me right now, I clearly know this pain riddling me cannot be compared to that time so long ago.
No, not by a long shot.
Now it feels as if everything has been pulled out from under me and I can barely catch my breath. My entire body is aching from the loss of her touch, from the warmth of her gaze as her eyes travel greedily all over my body. It’s aching from the thought of losing her.
It feels as if the world is disintegrating around me and there’s nothing I can do about putting it back to rights.
She makes it sound as if our passion didn’t mean anything to her. As if, she can get that connection we have together from any person she comes across, which I know is bullshit. I’ve never felt the type of physical connection I have with her with anyone else.
It’s infuriating, confusing, and the biggest thing about it is—I know she’s lying through her teeth, she just refuses to admit it.
I saw pain in her eyes when I pulled her closer to me. I saw defeat cripple her tiny body; so much so, it was easy to spot her trying to rebuild the icy wall around her heart that she let crumble previously.
The reason I caught that so easily is because Natalie is the same as me. I had to erect a new wall around my heart after the shit Jennifer did threatened to break me. It was because of Thane and my inner strength that I let it slip into my past.
Just watching her withdraw into herself nearly slayed me, because I’ve been there before. I know how it feels to have your hopes and dreams crushed. To have what you think is a bright future, but it turns out to be a dark bottomless pit of despair.
But, I refuse to open myself enough to be hurt again. I like Natalie. She’s funny, smart, sexy, and one heck of a hell cat in the sack. But, I don’t think I can bear it if I let myself fall prey to a womans guile again. Especially if that woman is Natalie.
Taking my eyes from her, I turn my attention toward the night. The darkness of the sky looks so soothing. I hear the light waves crash against the white sand of the beach, seeing the moonlight casting its reflection off the water. It’s as if it’s trying to lull me into a state of tranquility; as if it knows I’m nothing but a mess on the inside. That with just the mere smell of the warm salt water as it permeates through the air can make everything better.
Pretty much, it’s a falsehood I’m not too keen on falling for at this moment. I know everything is wrong, and there’s nothing I can do to make it better. At least, nothing I can physically or emotionally do to make it better.
Stepping up to the railing, I grip it so tightly my knuckles begin to turn an unhealthy shade of white. It just enrages me that she’s causing me to second guess myself. It infuriates me that I feel anything where I’m supposed to feel nothing.
Why did she have to take things so far? Everything is perfectly fine with the way we have it. I’m comfortable, she’s comfortable, and the sex is out of this world. What’s more to want from a situation than that?
Fury begins slithering through my veins faster, making me even more unhinged as the absence of laughter and cheerfulness extend around me. For the first time in so long I actually feel alone.
Tonight, I had every intention of just being with her. To let whatever happens happen. Instead, I let my mind wander away with me and say things I don’t—can never possibly—mean. It’s a slip I kick myself in the ass for now.
Men as well as women are allowed to make mistakes at certain points in their life time. No one can ever be perfect one hundred percent of the time. It’s called life for a reason. It kicks you when you’re down, and you must rise above it and prosper if you ever want to make something of yourself.
No matter how hellish the trials may be, you are the only person in charge of your future.
Yes, sometimes there are instances where it gut punches you more than the rest. But, the strong rise above that and accept what’s been thrown at them. They don’t make excuses. They won’t wither in the face of fear, begging to have a graceful end to their torment. No, they take the shit card that’s been dealt to them and press on, which is something I’ve been doing for most of my life.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and gather my wit. Slowly opening them, I take one last glance at the ocean before making my way inside. It kills me to shut her out, but it’s for the best. Because nothing can happen between us. I won’t survive if it does.
Sliding the French door close behind me, I lean back against them with my eyes trained on her. It tugs on my heart strings to see her on the bed in obvious pain from my earlier rebuff. But, what can I do? She practically told me out there she didn’t feel anything for me, and that I was being full of myself.
I can’t lie to her and tell her I want to be with her on a more exclusive level, but that wouldn’t be fair to her. If I’m not ready for someone that way, then no one will force me into it. Simple.
“Get your bags ready, Natalie. We are leaving,” I order her.
Without waiting for a response, I make my way toward the dressing area. Hurriedly packing my suitcase as I go, I begin dressing, making sure to keep a watchful eye on her out of the corner of my eyes.
I resist the temptation to go to her when I see her slip out of her robe, her naked skin once more put on display. Instead, I shake my head hard, and walk toward my jacket where my phone is still tucked inside. Retrieving it from my pocket, I toss Chuck a text message and get back to arranging my things.
I don’t care if he’s on another flight or not. I need to get out of here, and get out now. The situation between Natalie and I is too heavy. It already feels like Natalie is drawing me back to her, as if she wants me to make her pain go away. But, I can’t do that. Doing that, entails I lose myself even more than I already have.