Chapter 15
Boston
Showing her the video was a mistake. A monumental mistake. Inside, I seethed. What the fuck had I been thinking? That she would understand? That she would grasp how intense my love was? No, I wasn’t thinking. I’d mixed my pain pills with alcohol and was lost in fascination at the video. So much so, I hadn’t even heard her come in. Hell, I’d watched it three times, barely remembering the first two. I couldn’t focus. But that couldn’t happen again. Migraine be damned, I couldn’t afford a mistake like this. Lucy wouldn’t even look at me. Even without remembering our entire past, I could read her better than a book. She was thinking. Thinking about whether she should, or could, trust me. She thought I was crazy.
That only meant one thing: I had to start over. Completely fucking over. I had to slow down on touching her. I had to force myself to back off and give her space. I had to have discipline and obey what I’d been taught by Dr. Patron. But could I?
Just the thought was overwhelming. It absolutely massacred what and who I was. My heart said I couldn’t pull back now that I had gotten so far. My calculating, manipulative brain said if I didn’t, I’d lose her. And it was right.
“You should probably jump in the shower. I can start dinner.”
“But we usually cook together.”
The surprised tinge in her tone made me want to smile, but she didn’t need my love or kindness right now. She needed to feel guilty. To regret having whatever thoughts she harbored.
“It’s okay. I can handle it. You should go.”
I stood, placing her down and walking into the kitchen. Normally, I would have soaked in any inch of skin I could view, but I didn’t even raise my gaze as I collected the ingredients. For a good minute, she stood there, until finally, she snatched up her clothes and took off. A smile did come then, but it didn’t stay. The shower started, and like bait, my feet wanted to take me closer. I wanted to see her when she didn’t know I was looking. I wanted to watch.
Heat built and sweat collected as I jerked a knife free of the cutting block. Light reflected from the blade, and I was suddenly standing over the blonde girl. Her broken body was in the forest, sprawled out on the ground as Jeff positioned himself to attack me. And I was loving the game I was playing with him. Loving it so much, I’d never felt more invigorated in my life. I had been waiting and training for this moment. And it was imperative he experienced unimaginable terror before I ended his life. With making him rape and beat that girl, I had touched down on it, but making him think he stood a chance to escape only to show him how wrong he was…that was the icing on the cake.
A yell tore through the trees while he raced forward. Just as he got to me, I jumped out of the way, pushing my palm into the middle of his back so hard, he hit the ground with a jolting force. He wasn’t even able to catch his breath before my boot plowed into his side and stomach.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
I kicked as hard as I could, leaving him gasping and clawing into the dirt as he tried to move away. Lucy’s name kept leaving my mouth. Feeding his fear. Letting him know she was mine.
“I brought your knife. You ready to finish this girl off?”
“F—uck. You.”
Gasps sounded as he tried to stand. I got a quick two-step start before I connected and sent him sliding back through the dirt.
“Last chance. You can kill or join her. The choice is yours.”
“You’re going to kill me anyway.”
I paused, cocking my head as he struggled to stand.
“Why would I kill you? You’re my best friend.”
“Because…because of this!”
I shrugged, walking closer to the girl. “Slit her throat. Once you do, this ends. We’ll never speak of it again.”
“You’re lying.”
“I don’t lie, Jeff. You know that. Slit her throat or I will be forced to kill you.”
He sobbed, standing. “Why are you doing this?
“Kill her, Jeff!”
I tossed him the knife, knowing this wasn’t over. He scrambled for the weapon, charging at me. It was the biggest mistake he could have made. My hand swept under and drove up, grasping and crushing his throat as I slammed him back to the dirt—back to where he belonged. Once I did, I locked around his wrist that held the knife and got so close to his face, I could smell his sweat.
“You really don’t learn. First, you’ll be punished, then you’ll end this. Once you do, it’s over.”
My fist begged to slam into his face, but I knew better. I stood, driving my foot back into his body. I wasn’t sure how many times I kicked before veins protruded from Jeff’s bright red, pained face. Spit shot out of his mouth at my last kick. He was trying to escape again, but not away—toward the girl.
Twice he fell as he tried to lift to his knees. Moments passed as he gained strength, but I was out of patience. I dragged him the rest of way, dropping him as I jerked the top half of the unconscious girl up by her hair.
“End this, motherfucker.”
His hand was trembling as he lifted himself and the knife. Even though he could barely hold the weapon, he didn’t hesitate. Blood waterfalled from her throat as the pressure increased, and I smiled, gripping his shoulder as he finished. He stumbled away, panting, staring at me horrified. Then, he ran away. And I let him.
Confusion. It hit me hard, bringing back the anger a million-fold. Why hadn’t I killed him when I had the chance? Why had I let him escape? Was I fucking stupid?
I pulled out the carrots, chopping through them like I was feeding an army. When it wasn’t enough, I took out the celery, then an onion, then potatoes. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do with it all. I moved everything over to a pot and filled it with water. My mother had bought healthy food, and I suddenly realized maybe I ate like this before. I had been a lot bigger than I was now. A lot bigger. And more powerful.
My head lowered, taking in my lean frame. I still had muscle and a six pack, but something told me that was genetic. It wasn’t who I was or what I had worked so hard to become. Even my face looked different than my memories. And my scar…I tried not to look at it, but it wasn’t going away.
“Boston? Are you okay?”
Lucy headed my way. Slow. Hesitant. She was already dressed, which tore at me even more. But she was wearing my t-shirt, so there was solace in that.
“Yeah. I just realized how different I look. I mean, I saw before, but I think my overall change is really starting to hit. You…” Fear, I didn’t like it, but the emotion edged in as I thought over my worries. Lucy, her opinion meant everything. “The scar. Does this bother you? I know you were attracted to me before the accident, but are you less attracted to me now that I have it, or that I’m smaller? My muscles were a lot bigger. I can get like that for you again if you want. I can start tonight. Right now, while this is cooking.”
“Whoa. Slow down.” She came forward, glancing toward the stove. “You remembered more while I was gone.”
Hesitation. I was drunk. I had to watch what I said. I was already babbling when I should have been standoffish.
“Just my lifestyle.” My head shook, and I tried to tone down the anxiety concerning what her judgement meant to me. “Did you like me better that way?”
“Boston.” A deep breath left her as she came forward and wrapped her arms around my waist. “I like you however you are. It was never about your looks. It was deeper than that.”
My eyes closed and I rested my head on top of hers. “I think I’d like to start working out again. I felt better that way. And I could…” I was going to say protect her, but no, she couldn’t see that part of me again so soon. I had to keep from being overbearing, no matter how hard it was.
“You could, what?”
“I could really focus on me. That’s important. If we’re going to have a life together, I need to be the best possible version of myself. You deserve that.”
I gave her a quick kiss on her head and let go, putting distance between us. Before I heard the step forward, I felt her. Lucy’s presence was a like a security blanket, comforting the beast. He always lurked, waiting. Waiting for what, I now knew. Jeff. Men like Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Yes, I wanted him dead with a hunger I couldn’t suddenly bear. Whatever happened before was my mistake, but it was time to fix that.