Waking with a smile on my face is new, I don’t usually have anything to be overly happy about but waking up and knowing there is probably a message awaiting me from a certain Italian has my body buzzing with anticipation.

So instead of leaving my warm bed I log into my Facebook messenger app on my phone and wait impatiently for it to load. I really need to talk to Leo about exchanging numbers. What if Facebook goes down? We won’t be able to talk, I wouldn’t get my morning messages…

Shaking off those thoughts I open the message from Leo.

Leo: Morning beautiful, I hope you slept well…Did you dream of me? Anyway, just wanted to let you know I am on my way to NYC for a few days. It’s my Nonna’s birthday and if I miss it my momma and sisters will have my balls on a platter. PM me when you can, if I don’t answer straight away I may need you to rescue me. Speak soon gorgeous.

“Oh, my god,” I squeal, I can’t believe what I’m seeing. He called me beautiful and gorgeous. It’s a good thing I’m sitting, I’m totally swooning over his sweetness right now. I clutch my phone to my chest as huge butterflies attack my belly, what a way to wake up. Only one thing would be better to wake up to and that is the bloke himself being next to me.

Me: Morning! I bet your family’s not as bad as you’re making out. I slept well, thanks… Wouldn’t you like to know. Erm, I’m not really a people person, and it sounds like quite the family reunion. Have a good time. Hopefully we get to speak soon. X

After clicking send I dissect every word I sent, was it too flirty? Too eager?

Ugh, I need to get over myself. You’d think I’d never flirted before, when in reality, I used to be a totally different person. Until they ruined everything and broke my heart. It’s been years and it still cuts me up whenever I think about it. My own sister…that day changed everything in me, not only did it make me more wary of men and their intentions, but it shattered my view on family, loyalty and love.

Getting up I wonder through my house as if seeing it for the first time. It’s comfortable, but sparse. It doesn’t scream me, it screams lonely single woman. I’d class myself as a cat lady if I had more than one cat.

What this place needs is a makeover. I need one too. An intervention as Brooke calls it, I can just hear her say ‘I told you so’. I knew she was right but change is scary. Over FB I can be my old self and not worry about getting hurt, the small amount of detachment from reality helps. Most of my friends online know squat about my life. They don’t know what I’ve been through, the pain I’ve endured, they don’t know about my lonely life. Online you show a polished version of yourself and you can choose who sees the real you. Only one person knows what I have been through and I trust her more than I trust any of my own family.

As a plan formulates in my mind, my body is already in motion, I grab my notebook, I need a list, a plan of action. I also need clothes, I laugh at my own thought, it wouldn’t be the first time I went out in my P.J’s. I only realized when people started pointing at me. Lucky for me that day I had gone to bed in trackies and my MW3 hoodie, my hair was a mess, but in my defence I only needed milk.

Looking around my living room I take inventory of all the things I need and others I need to replace like the pillows my Mum had picked out for Shane and I when we moved into the house she had picked out for us after the wedding she was planning. Do you get where I am going with this? Nothing here is mine. So, I think it’s time for the past to be thrown out to make room for the new.

I think maybe I’d like a modern cottage feel, comfy and understated. I may as well order the new laptop I have been drooling over for the past six months. It’s about time I enjoyed the money I’ve earned, I can’t exactly take it with me if I pop my clogs, can I?

Morbid Thoughts aside, for the first time in years I feel hopeful, lighter, like the future may have amazing things in store for me.

* * *

I arrive at Home Means More and grab a big trolley. Right now, I don’t even mind that there are quite a few more people here than I’m used to. Although that may change if someone touches me. I hate being pushed and shoved, I will slap a bitch if a trolley even so much as touches my ankles.

I’m looking through the selection of towel bales when someone taps my shoulder, I tense and grit my teeth.

“Yes?” I grate not bothering to turn around. I know it’s rude but these salespeople do my head in. If I wanted help I would bloody ask for it, eejits.

“Do you need any help Miss? You have been standing staring at those for thirty minutes.”

Turning I take in the kid in front of me,he can’t be more than twenty. I watch as he blushes under my scrutiny and looks away.

“Which one of these would you recommend for durability and soaking up wetness?” I ask keeping my face straight. His cheeks brighten as he fidgets with his nametag.

“Erm, I’m not sure. M-maybe the thickest ones?” He stutters and starts pulling out one from each of the bales. “S-see this one, erm. I-it seems to be thinner than this one s-so I guess it would absorb more wetness, I mean water.”

“Well, that was very informative Sean. I think I’ll take the thicker ones, for more absorption.” The kid nods and scuttles off. He’s gone so quickly he nearly takes out a pile of pillows in the process. Laughing quietly, I throw the towels in the trolley and move on to the next item on my list.

When I finish at the checkout I’m exhausted, I don’t remember shopping ever being this tiring before. I lug my heavy bags to my little KA, fill the boot as best I can and throw the rest on the back seats. I may have gone a little mad but at least my house will be more me. Next on the list is me, I need to get out more. I cringe at the thought of people-ing, maybe small walks in the park to begin with. Less people, open spaces and the fresh air and sun will do me good.

I’m happy with my productivity today, but the therapy starts when I get home and take a knife to those ugly fuckin pillows. I don’t even know why I took them with me when I left, they are so not me. They have fuckin Pomeranians on them for christ sakes. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs; but ever since I watched Blade Trinity I can’t go near one without expecting its mouth to open the way it does in the movie.

Unloading the car I juggle everything and open the door, I drop everything on the floor around my feet in the living room and collapse on the sofa, closing my eyes I sigh in relief. Mr, Willy jumps onto my chest purring and nudges my face, I scratch him behind his ear as he settles on me curling up and closing his eyes, content to lie there and let me fuss over him all day.

“Sorry buddy, I gotta get all this unpacked. How about I give you one of these ugly things to scratch at?”

I throw a pillow on the floor beside the fire and tap his butt, he gives me a frustrated look and slinks over to his new pillow.

I sigh and get to work on the living room, throwing everything on the floor. There are two piles; one for the bin and the other will go to a charity shop. After half an hour, I decide to take a break for some dinner and a nice cuppa, and this time I won’t burn the water since I picked up a cheap kettle while I was out.

When I finally sit down with my cuppa and chow mein, I log into FB. I have seventy-five notifications, all of them either invites to pages or events. I scroll through them accepting the ones that look good and ignoring the rest. I see I also have a message, I try to restrain myself and keep scrolling. My eyes keep flicking back to the message, the red circle with a one in the middle taunts me. I’m dying to open it, it feels like it’s drawing me in enticing me to just open it. Sighing I click the icon and wait .

Sorry something went wrong. :(

“What the fuck?” I growl, clicking it again and again like it will help. “Fuckin Facebook!”

Grabbing my laptop, I hit the power button harder than needed but I am pissed. Why entice me to open the thing if it was just gonna feckin’ break? I wait somewhat impatiently twisting my fork in the noodles and stabbing a piece of chicken. Mmm, that’s good.

When it finally comes on I immediately open messenger and smile. Two new messages from Leo DeLuca.

Leo: Yeah, I got here safely, it’s noisy as hell. My entire family is here. They cornered me as soon as I got in the room. I may have made the mistake of mentioning you to my sister Gabs before this trip, I think she may have blabbed. My Nonna is being weird around me and so are my sisters. I feel like I’m a bambino again, and I’ve been caught stealing cookies…She is waiting to ambush me.

Leo: That doesn’t mean you are a mistake…Just that I shouldn’t have confided in Gabs. Not that you are a secret or anything. Shit, this isn’t coming out right.

I laugh as I read his messages, he is just too cute.

Kaitlyn: I know what you mean. I didn’t take offence, so chill out. Your Nonna sounds like a hoot.

Leo: She’s something else. She told everyone the story behind the scar just under my chin...

My curiosity is piqued.

Kaitlyn: What story?

Leo: That’ll have to wait for another time, it’s a long and embarrassing story.

Leo: I have to go, I see Gabs eyeing my phone, she is two seconds away from ripping it out of my hands and reading our messages aloud. Speak later, gorgeous.

Kaitlyn: Lol, bye. X

I set aside my laptop, and finish my dinner smiling the whole time. When I’m done, I unpack the rest of my goodies and bag up the crap I am donating, deciding to take it tomorrow. I grab my phone and text Brooke.

Me: Hey, are you still breathing?

Brooke: Just about…So worth it.

Me: Good night then?

Brooke: The best. What have you been up to? Any developments on the Italian Stalion front?

I laugh reading her response.

Me: Stalion? How would you know?

Brooke: Aren’t all Italian’s blessed? You know coming from the place where The Pope is from?

Me: Erm, I don’t know… Maybe I should find out?

Brooke: Yes! You need to sample the goods.

Me: …

Brooke: You know you want to, don’t deny it.

Me: Who did you go out with last night?

Brooke: New guy named Carl… I’m not sure if he is relationship material but he definitely has the goods to keep me interested for a while.

Me: Okay, I am going to stop you there. One day you will meet the one who not only deserves you but can cope with you.

Brooke: Yeah, that’ll be the day. Gotta go, speak later.

Putting down my phone I think of what I need to do, I have a list somewhere. I feel restless, jittery. I decide to go for a walk, maybe that will settle me down.

Walking down my street I watch as a mother tries to control her kids, they’re running her ragged and she looks exhausted. As if she feels my stare, she looks up and throws me a scowl, fuck me people haven’t changed.

When I turn the corner and see the huge park gates in front of me I hesitate. I normally avoid places like this, the teenagers that hang around in parks are rude and I would love nothing more than to smack them. Fuckin little shites.

Biting the bullet, I enter and walk along the pond watching ducks and geese swim peacefully, gracefully along the surface of the water. An old couple catch my eye, they’re walking arm in arm smiling, the old woman looks up at her husband with a mischievous look in her eye. He looks down at her lovingly, the smile never leaves his face as they share a kiss.

Most people would say old people shouldn’t act that way in public but I think it’s amazingly sweet. They have obviously been together a long time and you can see they are still madly in love. I think I may be going mushy or just plain loopy. Either way I need to get a grip and remember the lessons I learnt long ago. It’s all good flirting online but in the real world life is cruel and I need to remember that.

Turning away, I head home, to my sanctuary where I can be who I want to be without the messiness of real life encroaching.