My heart races as I re-read the message I received from Leo yesterday. He wants to know what I’ve been thinking about? Hmm, that may be a bit of an embarrassing conversation, considering he is all I’ve thought about. I can’t get the bloke out of my mind, I’ve burnt three meals so far, and god knows how but I managed to burn water. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush. It’s ridiculous, but can I stop myself acting like a fool? Nope.

Putting away my phone, I finish getting ready for my dreaded monthly meeting with my boss. I don't see the point in dragging myself all the way into town to be asked how work is going. This could all be done on the phone, and I wouldn't have to worry about running into he who is not worth being named.

Once is enough, I don’t want to see them all loved up. It’s not that I want the cretin back, they destroyed my world. I don’t even have my sad excuse for a family anymore. Not that it’s a great loss, but I have no one and it’s a lonely life.

I look at myself in the full-length mirror, in my office attire I look nothing like the sloppy nerd I usually am. I get on my hands and knees and search for my black three inch heels, I know I kicked them under here after the last meeting. I don’t do heels, give me a pair of flats, boots or Nike Cortez’s anyday.

“Aha, gotcha,” I shout retrieving the dusty shoe. Brushing off the dust I slip them on and stand; straightening my grey pencil skirt and shirt. I look very business-like but I feel like an imposter, I hate that it’s more about the upholstery and less about what’s under the bonnet.

Blowing out a breath, I smooth my hair back hoping it stays neat, but the odds of that are low since my hair has a mind of its own.

On the drive there, in my trusty flats I give myself a pep talk while taking deep breathes.

“You can do this. It’s just fifteen minutes.” I shouldn’t be nervous, Sean assured me he wasn’t there today.

I have no idea how two people that are so closely related can be so different. Sean is Shane’s older brother. He is kind, caring and lovable. If I didn’t love him like a brother I might have fallen in love with him myself. A pang of sadness hits me as I remember how close we were, I chose to cut all ties when Brianna and Shane…Well, after the shit storm happened. I was out on my arse, no home, no job. Sean pulled some strings and got me a job at their dad’s magazine, but Shane being the tosser he is he also had a hand in it and got me writing soppy shite. I refused to let him get a rise out of me, so I bit my tongue and got on with it. I release all my dark and evil thoughts towards him in my book, he is the character that is gonna die a slow and painful death.

A laugh leaves me as I pull up outside the grungy old building. It could do with some remodelling, but that won’t happen until Sean takes over. His dad hates spending money when it isn’t necessary, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I roll my eyes hearing his favorite saying in my head. He won’t even go digital, he could be making a fortune but the old fool is too stuck in his ways.

Changing shoes, I get out of my car and straighten my back, confidence is key here. In this place, there is no such thing as family and friends, they’re all vultures. Sean being the only exception, he is way too sweet for this place.

I walk in and see Sherry filing her nail and chewing noisily at the reception desk. What a great welcome.

I stand there for a minute waiting for her to notice me, when she doesn’t I clear my throat.

She jumps up, dropping her nail file. “Oh, it’s just you. You know the way,” she snaps going back to grinding her fake nails down.

“Nice way to greet people, Sherry. I’ll be sure to let Sean know what a bang up job you’re doing,” I say and walk away without another word.

As I walk by people, they stop, stare and immediately start whispering like I’m feckin’ deaf. I hear Brooke’s voice in my head, telling me to flip them off and I laugh, I miss my girl. We haven’t spoken much and I still haven’t gotten the dirt on her date.

“Kaitlyn O’Roarke, is that really you?” I smile as I turn toward the loud voice.

“The one and only,” I say as I take him in. It may have been a while since we’ve seen each other but he’s still a handsome devil, at five eleven he isn’t the tallest man I know but it takes nothing away from his imposing figure. He is built like a brick shithouse, his suit jacket barely contains his guns. He would be scary if his eyes weren’t the kindest I have ever seen, those pale green irises are assessing me with the love of a friend, brother even. His presence puts my nerves at ease and I walk into his arms when he opens them. When they close around me I feel safe, homesick; I miss this. Why did I let him take away the only person that loved me more than my own family?

“I’ve missed you, love,” he says into my hair not caring about the employees whispering around us.

“I’ve missed you too. How are you? Hasn’t a nice lass snapped you up yet?”

“What? When would I have time to meet a lass? When I’m constantly picking up after that eejit you were smart enough to kick to the curb.”

“It’s a wonder he even bothers coming to work,” I reply pulling back. “So, who is asking my three questions?”

He laughs loudly and slings his arm around my neck, leading me down the corridor. “Well, that would be me. Is that okay with you, love?”

“Thank god,” I breathe wrapping an arm around his waist.

When we reach his office, he opens the door for me and asks if I’d like a drink. I refuse, I’m jumpy enough without any more caffeine. We sit closely on the leather sofa, I kick off the damn heels and sigh. Laughing he opens his jacket, I suspect he does it to stop the button from popping.

“So, how is life treating ya, love?” He asks turning towards me his arm across the back of the seat.

“It’s good, I can’t complain,” I say with a shrug. What else do I tell him? That I’m lonely? Homesick for the people who hurt me the most?

“You still writing ya book?”

“Yeah, horror. Guess who is the character that will die.”

“Hmm, that is a hard one…How about Brianna?” He says tapping his chin. “Wait, no. It has to be our Shane.” He laughs.

“Got it in one, I’m exorcising my demons.” Nodding he looks at me closely.

“There’s more…Something has changed.”

“I, well. I may have met someone,” I whisper brushing imaginary fluff off my skirt.

“Really? Who is he? He must be a good ‘un since you swore off lads after our Shane.”

“He er, he’s nice. It’s new, we actually met over Facebook.”

“Facebook? Oh Christ, please tell me you haven’t done anything stupid like given him your number or address?”

“No, but we have been talking and I like him Sean, he’s gorgeous.”

“Are you sure that is even his picture? Have you seen him in person? On video at least?”

“No, not yet but we will video chat soon, I hope. I know it’s risky but I know he is genuine.”

“You thought my brother was genuine until he shagged your sister,” he snaps jumping up from his seat and starts pacing the room.

“That was a feckin’ low blow. If you’re gonna be a knob I’m gonna go,” I say slipping my feet back into my shoes and standing.

“No, wait. I’m sorry that was out of line and I didn’t mean it. It’s just you don’t know this lad he may be a serial killer or a rapist. Maybe I should check him out. What’s his name?”

“Sean. I am not giving you his name. I know they pulled the wool over my eyes but I learned my lesson and I think I can judge a man myself,” I snap scowling at him as he steps forward standing over me his face unreadable. He seems angry, but the look in his eyes scares me more than his imposing presence.

“Sean…” I take a step back, my nerves firing again. His face softens and he sits back down. The anger dissipates leaving an awkward silence behind, what I saw can’t be unseen. Now I understand why he didn’t put up a fight when I cut ties, I never understood why he never fought me on it since we were so close. I get it now, and I feel weird and awkward being alone with him.

“I think I should…”

“Don’t. Don’t go, please.”

“How long?” I ask not moving to sit back down.

“What?” He asks not meeting my eyes.

“How long have you felt this way?”

“I don’t…”

“Do not lie to me Sean O’Shea,” I snap my hands fisting on my hips.

“A while, but I would never act on it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you were with me brother for Christ sakes. He is an eejit for feckin’ about with that lass, he’s lucky I didn’t end him meself for the hurt he caused you.”

“I don’t know what to say. I love you…” His eyes light up as the L word slips out. “As a brother, Sean, I’m sorry. I really do like this lad I’ve met.” His eyes dull and he looks at the floor.

“Are ya?”

“No, we’re not together, we only just met and he lives in L.A.,” I admit, sighing I sit on the edge of the sofa, not too close.

“So, maybe there is a chance?” He asks, and I get a sick feeling in me stomach. I’m gonna have to break his heart, I don’t want to but what else am I supposed to do?

“Sean, you are like a brother to me.”

“Feelings change, believe me I know.”

“I doubt my feeling towards you would grow into what you feel for me, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go,” I whisper. Standing I grab my bag and pause beside him. I thought this meeting was gonna go so differently. “I’m sorry,” I whisper again and kiss his cheek before leaving. Closing his office door, I take a deep cleansing breath, I feel like shite. He is one of the smartest, kindest and loyal blokes I know. But I can’t make myself feel something more.

I leave quickly not wanting to run into any more O’Shea’s. I just need to get home, then I can think about the shite that just happened, I can’t believe it. I’m in shock. How did I not see? How could I not know how he felt? Pushing it all aside I get into my car, flinging my bag and shoes in the passenger seat, I just need to get out of here.

As I pull away from the curb I see Sean run through the front door looking frantic. I keep going, I can’t deal with this right now. I need to get back home and into my bubble. My mind goes back to Leo, why do I feel guilty? Like I’ve done something wrong?

I drive home in a daze my mind bouncing from Sean to Leo. Should I tell Leo what happened? Nothing did happen though, so why does it feel like a betrayal anyway?

Parking my car I rush into my house not even bothering to take my shoes off. I don’t stop until I get to the kitchen, I busy myself making a cup of tea. I need advice. Brooke.

I practically lunge across the table for my phone.

Me: Are you around? I need you…

Brooke: Hey, what’s up?

Me: Can you answer a call?

Brooke: Yeah?

Instead of PMing back I hit call and wait impatiently.

“Hey, what’s up?” She answers.

“I need your advice,” I say my voice shaking.

“What’s the matter? You sound all wrong. Did you have a run in with the douche?”

“No, I. Er had to go to the office for one of their bullshite meetings.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, Sean met me there instead of his dad.”

“Sean?” She asks confused.

“Shane’s brother, he is nice and we were close before.”

“And?”

“Well, we were talking about my life and I let slip about Leo and he freaked out. He was worried and I understood that but…he er, he got this look in his eyes and he was standing over me.”

“He didn’t hurt you, did he? If he did I will be on the next flight out there to beat his ass.” She threatens sounding pumped.

I laugh at the image of Brooke trying to beat Sean.

“No, he didn’t hurt me. He, he has feelings for me.”

“Oh,” she whispers.

“Yeah, I told him I love him like a brother and that I liked Leo. I made it clear that I didn’t feel that way about him.”

“Good, but why do I hear a ‘but’ coming?”

“I feel like I did something wrong. Like I led him on, or worse that I’ve betrayed Leo.” I blurt. I have no idea what to think, I’m so confused.

“Right chill out. First, you made it clear as soon as he showed any interest in you. Second, you didn’t betray anyone, you and Leo aren’t together. So, you did nothing wrong.”

“I know but I feel like I’ve betrayed him.” I sigh.

“That’s because you like him.” She sings.

“Do you think I should tell Leo what happened?” I ask.

“Do you think you need to tell him?” She counters.

“I don’t know, if we were together I would definitely tell him.”

“Well, since you’re not and you didn’t do anything, I don’t think he needs to know.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thanks Brooke, I was freaking out there a little.”

“I really couldn’t tell.” She says laughing. “So, this is new.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to actually talk to you.”

“I know, I was starting to think you were a guy after all,” she laughs.

“Maybe I am but I sound like a lass.”

“Yeah, your balls obviously haven’t dropped yet.”

I laugh so hard tears run down my face. “Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome. Now tell me about the Italian Stallion. When are you talking to him next?” She asks sounding as excited as me.

“That would be when he gets home sometime tomorrow.”

“Oh, and what will you be talking about?” She asks.

“Well, I promised to think about him while he was gone…”

“Mmm, I know how that conversation is going to go.” She giggles, someone whispers in the background. “I’m sorry Kaitlyn, I gotta go the damn model is having a bitch fit over something or other.”

“Okay, have fun. I’ll speak to you later.”

“Bye.”

Putting the phone down I reheat the water and make my cup of tea. I decide to push today out of mind I sit at the table and open my laptop; hoping to lose myself for a few hours.

* * *

The next morning, I let myself sleep in. I’m so nervous about talking to Leo today, I decide to go for a run, a first for me but I needed the release. As I return home, my nerves have me almost falling flat on my face as I miss a step up to my house. Get a fuckin grip.

After a shower, I dress and redress, trying to pick something nice but comfortable to wear.

“What are you doing?” I ask myself, it’s not like I’m actually going to see him.

Around twelve o’clock my nerves start to kick in and I start fussing over the cleanliness of my house, I fluff the pillows clean the kitchen and even vacuum Mr, Willy Shakespaw.

After everything looks perfect I sit back down and check the clock, my stomach churns with every tick of the hand, every minute feels like an hour.

I’m so feckin’ nervous you’d think Leo and I were meeting in real life not messaging each other. A vibration alerts me to the fact I have a message. My hands start to shake, as I reach for my phone. “Get a fuckin grip of ya self.” I mutter.

Leo: Hey beautiful, how are you?

Me: Hey! I’m good. How was your weekend? Anything fun happen?

Leo: Same old, my aunties had fun telling everyone stories about Vin and I when we were kids.

Me: I would have loved to hear those…

Leo: Maybe some other time?

Me: Er, yeah.

Leo: Did you miss me?

Me: Maybe a little.

Leo: Just a little?

Me: Okay, a lot. I was lost without your witty conversational skills.

I roll my eyes at how much of an eejit I am, it sounded so much better in my head.

Leo: You know sarcasm is an aphrodisiac.

I laugh and do a quick Google search.

Me: It is not!

Leo: It may not be for most, but I love your sarcasm.

Me: Really???

Leo: Yes, really. So, have you thought about me like I asked?

Me: What do you mean?

Leo: You know what.

Me: …

Leo: Have you?

Me: Yes.

Leo: Oh fuck. You have?

Me: Uh-huh.

Leo: Tell me what you were thinking?

Me: No!

Leo: Come on, I want to know.

Me: Okay…

I blow out a breath and mentally psych myself up. I’ve thought about this so much I know exactly what I’m gonna type before I do.

Me: I’ve pictured you naked and tied to my bed.

Leo: Fuck. Go on.

Me: Blindfolded…Completely at my mercy.

Leo: What would you do to me if I were?

Me: I would taste your lips as I ran my nails down your chest… I would leave nail marks on you and you would love it.

Leo: What else?

Me: Then I’d follow the same path with my mouth and tongue, I’d lick and bite every inch of skin visible.

I start to worry when I get no reply for a minute then I hear the blessed ping of my phone and relax.

Leo: Holy Shit.

Me: What were you doing?

Leo: Nothing.

Me: Are you touching yourself?

Leo: Maybe.

Me: Aren’t you at work?

Leo: So?

Me: Do you want me to stop?

Leo: Fuck no, I’m enjoying this too much.

Me: I’d tease the edge of your suit trousers with my tongue, slowly unzipping them as I kneel between your legs…

Leo: You’ve given this some thought. Have you touched yourself while imagining sucking my cock?

My body heats remembering the very pleasurable session I had with my B.O.B while doing as he asked.

Me: Yes.

Leo: Did you come?

Me: Yes.

Leo: Hard?

Me: Yes.

Leo: Did you say my name?

I pause this time, my fingers ready to tell him the truth.

Leo: Kaitlyn, did you say my name when you came?

Me: Yes.

Leo: Fuckkk.

With just those few letters I imagine him coming in his hand with my name on his lips. I’m gonna need to shower again after this.

Me: Are you still there?

Leo: Barely. Shit that was amazing. Next time we need to do this over the phone, and Kaitlyn?

Me: Yeah?

Leo: Next time we both come together…

Me: I need to go shower.

Leo: Ah shit, I wish I was there.

Me: Me too, bye.

Leo: Speak to you later gorgeous.

Dropping my phone I run upstairs and grab my B.O.B and into a very long shower we go.