Chapter Nineteen
Rogue
I was lazing around the house again. I fucking felt the need to do it. While I was in the joint just doing your own thing was a fucking luxury. I wasn’t obligated to stay indoors just because I was on parole, and I could probably track a few of the people I used to hang out with before, but the idea wasn’t appealing, not one bit.
More importantly, it had been a few days, and Claire was still too busy with work to go to the hospital with me. I had hoped, the day she said she’d meet me at the hospital at lunch, that I could just go and meet her there when she went. I should have gone alone in the morning, but I chickened out again.
It wasn’t easy, though. I could remember having this feeling of helplessness before, when I’d thought I was in for a good basketball career, only to get hit with a serious injury. This situation was wholly different, but just like then, I didn’t have the confidence to make a move.
“Ugh,” I groaned, jumping off the couch.
Over the past few days, I’d been alternating between feeling restless and languid. One minute I could be sitting down calmly, and in the next, I felt like my skin wanted to jump off my body. Out of things to do, I went to the bedroom to have a shower since I hadn't had one for the day yet. I was quick in the shower, and I got out and got dressed. But then I had nothing to do again, and the frustration was eating at me.
“Why don’t I just go?” I said out loud, standing in the middle of my room. Fuck, one minute I was screaming to be a man and get on with things and the other time I was sitting back hoping for everything to sort itself out. But, I knew that life didn’t work that way, so why the fuck I kept doing it, was because it was easy.
It wouldn’t hurt or anything, right? I would just go, see him, and hurry back. I could bury myself under the blankets like a little kid and wait for Claire to come back. Only, she’d been leaving for work early and coming back really late. I didn’t get mad at her anymore, just made sure there was dinner waiting for her whenever she got back.
I hadn't gone back to sleeping in my room, either, unless it was during the day when she wasn’t around. She didn’t seem to mind, either. I would be asleep, then wake up a bit to the feel of her joining me in the bed and fall asleep again wrapping her in my arms.
Should I just wait for the weekend? It’s only a day away! But what if she still has to go to work on Saturday? Could I wait for Sunday?
No, I couldn’t. It wasn’t that long away, but I’d wasted enough time already. A whole week, since I’d been out of prison, was about to pass and I hadn't officially seen my sick dad yet. I felt ashamed of myself whenever I thought about it.
My phone, left on the bed when I’d gone to shower, rang and I turned around to pick it up. The name on the screen was Claire, and I answered the call quickly.
“Claire?”
“Hey, Rogue,” she said.
Her tone sounded defeated, and my shoulders slumped before she could even say more. It was lunch already, but she probably couldn’t leave work even for a little bit and would be coming back late again.
“Work again?”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, but my boss is riding me on this. I mean, it’s a pretty important case, so it’s not like I don’t understand, but he won’t let me take any time off at all. I’ll have to be in on Saturday, too.”
“What about Sunday?” I asked.
“I’ll have homework to do on Sunday so leaving will be impossible. I’m sorry, I don’t know when I’ll be able to go to the hospital with you, Rogue. I’ve already talked to Mom, and she knows it’s impossible for me. Do you think you can go on your own? You haven’t gone yet, right?”
I clamped my mouth shut, wondering how she knew I hadn't gone yet. Though that was probably stupid. If she’d talked to her mom, then, of course, she would know I hadn't stepped a foot into Dad’s hospital room. Hannah practically lived there, from what I’d heard, so it couldn’t be a surprise.
“It’s fine,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll probably just go today.”
There was a short silence. Then, “Really?”
I didn’t blame her for being skeptic, but I still rolled my eyes. I just needed to…pluck up the courage to go, and I was determined to this time. If I didn’t, then I would just drive myself mad with all the restlessness. Prison had gotten me used to sit around with nothing to do for long periods of time, day after day, but I couldn’t live like that on the outside. I didn’t have a choice there, but now that I did, it would be unbearable before too long, and I’d end up making another mistake.
That couldn’t happen. Not again. Not with Ms. Brent as my parole office, or I’d be back in the slammer so fast my head would spin.
“I’ll head over there right now,” I said. “Sorry to keep bothering you when you’re busy.”
“It’s fine; it’s not your fault. I’ve never been this busy before, anyway. I’ll see you when I get back, Rogue.”
We said our goodbyes and I cut the call. I had dressed already, and I had the card Claire had given me in my wallet, and enough cash for the taxi there so I wouldn’t have to stop on the way.
I already told her I’d go, and I was getting sick and tired of my cowardice, so after walking around the house to take care of some of the restlessness I left.
The whole trip there, pretty much the moment I stepped out of the house, I couldn’t stop my heart from beating too loudly. I felt a bit dazed when I made it to the hospital less than an hour later. I hadn't even eaten lunch yet, though that was probably a good thing with the way my stomach was lurching. I didn’t stop by the reception desk to let people know where I was headed, then went up to Dad’s room.
Like last time, I stopped outside the door. Only it was fully closed this time, and I couldn’t hear a thing on the other side of it.
Was Hannah not inside?
You’re here already, I thought, clenching my fists. You’re not walking away again.
Feeling like my heart was about to jump out of my chest, I raised my hand and opened the door, peeking inside. I didn’t see anyone around the bed, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked inside. My eyes turned to the bed, and I felt my inside go chill.
Dad…
He looked terrible. It was a miracle I could still recognize him. His face had thinned out, and while I couldn’t see much of his body under the sheets, it was probably just as bad. His cheeks were hollowed out, he had dark bags under his eyes, and even his hair had thinned out. He was in a bad way, all right.
Why the fuck did I wait so long to come here?
Shame slammed into me, so fierce I almost stumbled back. But, I held my place and even stepped forward. Slowly, I moved to stand beside the bed. One of his hands was draped on top of the covers and had an IV drip attached to it, along with some sensors attached to his fingertips.
“Dad?” I called gently, my voice shaking and hoarse.
He didn’t even twitch. My hand moved on its own to touch the back of his hand, and his skin was so cold, I felt my insides cool down to match. I couldn’t see his chest moving to tell if he was breathing, and if the heart monitor wasn’t there, beeping, I might have thought he wasn’t alive. I didn’t know if he was asleep or in a coma, but I couldn’t bring myself to try and wake him up.
“Dad… I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my eyes blurring with tears as I ducked my head down and clenched my fists at my sides.
“Shit,” I hissed.
I should have come here a lot sooner. I knew I should have, but I had been too scared, and look at what met me when I finally arrived. I didn’t know the specifics of how he was doing, and I didn’t want to look for someone to ask, either, but from observation alone, he looked like he had one foot in his grave. The man on the bed didn’t match with the person I’d seen three years ago. Back then, he’d looked healthy. Big and imposing, a bit taller than me even.
This was what he had been reduced to while I was gone.
All this time. I’d wondered how our reunion would go once I got out of prison.
I never thought it would be this bad.
Shit!
I couldn’t stay in the room anymore. I fucking wanted to cry, something that I'd never done. Even when I was sent down. I didn’t want to make a sound and wake him up. I turned around and marched toward the door, wiping my eyes while keeping my head ducked down so no one would see. I could remember the last time I cried well, only back then it had been because of physical pain, not emotional.
Dammit! I felt like such a coward for not going to see him earlier, as soon as Claire told me he was sick and in the hospital. Why the fuck did I even hesitate? Whatever anger I held toward him, and I knew that no matter what he was still my dad.
“Rogue!”
The sound of my name made me freeze. There was only one person that would be at this hospital that knew my name. Slowly, I turned around to see Hanna, my stepmom, hurrying down the hallway toward me, looking frantic. She hadn't been in the room, but she hadn't gone far.
“Rogue,” she said again once she was closer to me, looking relieved. “I’m so glad to see you here.”
I dropped both arms to my sides and looked silently at her. There was nothing I could say to her, though there was a lot that I probably should have been saying. A thank you, at least, for not leaving Dad alone while I was away.
She didn’t seem to mind, sighing as she stepped up to me.
“We need to talk, Rogue.”
I didn’t think it could be possible, but my heart chilled even more at the grim expression on her face.