I smile at the student sitting across the desk from me.
Ella Michaels is eighteen years old and will graduate in less than two months. She’s worked hard over the last four years and should end with close to a four-point GPA. She tested well on both the ACT and SAT, which she took at the end of her junior year, and had her choice of top-notch universities all over the country. Since she’s a state champion swimmer who lettered freshman year and broke two school records in the four hundred breaststroke and freestyle, universities with D1 swim programs have vied for her attention since she was a sophomore. After visiting her top three schools last year and talking at length with the coaches, she settled on Florida State.
Intelligent, athletic, and talented, Ella is one of those students who make everything look effortless. She appears to have it all. It would be easy to hate her, but she’s sweet, genuine, and goes out of her way to be friendly with everyone.
Two months ago, she came into my office in tears and told me she was pregnant. She was terrified to break the news to her parents. They were so proud of everything she’d accomplished. All she could see were her dreams and the future she had worked so hard to secure slipping through her fingers. We spent a couple of hours talking before calling her parents and inviting them to my office, where Ella broke the news.
They were shocked. It was painful to watch all the different emotions—distress, fear, anger, and sadness —flicker across their faces. I give them a lot of credit for not getting upset or flying off the handle. They both took deep breaths and agreed that it was disappointing, but not the end of the world.
Ella decided not to continue her competitive swim career at Florida State. She chose to stick closer to home so that she can commute to a local community college, where she’ll begin taking classes next spring. Her boyfriend, Collin, also changed his plans. He’ll attend the same college but will start right away in the fall.
This isn’t how Ella anticipated ending her senior year, but she’s embraced change and is doing what she can to succeed by adjusting her expectations and goals. I’m proud of how she’s taken control of the situation.
I have a caseload of approximately four hundred students in grades nine through twelve. I meet with some kids on a regular basis. A few pop in almost daily. And some only require a quick check-in every few weeks to make sure they’re on track and aren’t falling behind. Others make weekly appointments during study hall to talk about the issues in their lives. Most of them are normal teenage growing pains.
Since the pregnancy came to light, I tend to meet with Ella on a weekly basis. She checks in and chats about how classes are going and how she’s handling all the changes in her life. We try to troubleshoot challenges as they arise.
“Hi, Ella. How’s it going?” Scanning her face, I notice a healthy glow on her cheeks. She appeared tired, drawn, and pale the past few weeks. My heart goes out to the eighteen-year-old because these last couple of months haven’t been easy. “You look like you’re feeling better.”
At about four months along, you wouldn’t realize Ella’s pregnant unless you already knew. She’s still quite slender. Morning sickness set in around the second month and she hasn’t been able to keep much down. There were days when she had difficulty making it to school on time. She emailed me in the morning to let me know she was too nauseous to leave the house. I’ve done my best to run interference with teachers regarding her absences. Most have been flexible because they know Ella is a diligent, hardworking student.
While many students choose to take it easy their senior year, Ella challenged herself with two AP courses. Before the pregnancy, Ella didn’t have any problems handling those classes along with the others in her course load—Spanish V, Anatomy, Literature, and Psychology. But now, she’s struggling. Even though it broke her heart to stop training, she couldn’t continue with such a rigorous schedule. It wasn’t unheard of for Ella to spend twenty hours a week in the pool, often having two-a-day practices and dryland training. Without that, she has more time to dedicate to her studies.
And sleep.
She’s been doing a lot of that lately as well.
“The morning sickness is getting better. My doctor prescribed some medicine last week, and that’s helped a lot with the nausea.”
“I can tell. You have more color in your cheeks.”
“I’m still really tired, but at least I can keep my breakfast down in the morning.” She cracks a wry grin.
“That’s always a bonus. Are you having any trouble with your classes?” I try to stay preventative and nip problems in the bud before they get out of control. It’s always easier to stay ahead of the train than be run over by it. “You’re keeping up with homework and studying?” I know AP Calc and AP Physics have been a challenge for her. Both classes are college-level courses that require a great deal of work outside the classroom.
“Now that I’m not swimming, I have more time for studying.” With a small smile, she muses, “I’ve swum almost every day since I was five years old. It’s weird to have so much free time on my hands.” Sadness creeps into her eyes. “I really miss it. A few days ago, I stopped by the pool and watched practice for about thirty minutes. It sucks not to be in the water.”
“I know,” I say softly, wanting to acknowledge her feelings. Change is difficult. Giving up something you love, or at least putting it on hold, isn’t easy. “You can still get in the water and swim. As long as your doctor says it’s okay, swimming is a great pregnancy exercise.”
She shrugs. “It wouldn’t be the same.”
“No,” I agree, “it wouldn’t. But there’s no reason you can’t get back into competitive swim after the baby is born.”
Her mouth trembles. “I know. My parents keep saying the same thing.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Your mom and dad have been so supportive through all this.”
She blows out a breath. “Yeah, my mom and dad have been the best. I thought they’d be angry after they found out about the baby. I imagined they’d kick me out of the house or…” she trails off. “I don’t know, hate me or something.” Ella shakes her head before continuing. “But that hasn’t happened. They were just really disappointed that Collin and I weren’t more careful about birth control.”
I can only imagine what her parents are going through. To have your daughter all set to swim at the D1 level with a partial scholarship to pay for college and then have it disappear in the blink of an eye must be tough to stomach. Thankfully her parents are focused on the positives and have been wonderful about helping Ella through this pregnancy. Because Ella has such a strong support system, she’ll be able to achieve anything she sets her mind to.
Ella glances at the digital clock hanging above my office door. “AP physics is about to start. I should probably get going. I don’t want to miss anything.”
Mrs. Schmidt, Ella’s AP physics teacher, was a little prickly about making allowances for Ella in the beginning. She’s an older educator who’s set in her ways. She expects students who choose to take her class to dedicate themselves and be self-motivated. But she eventually came around because she saw how hard Ella is working.
Ella gives me a small wave and hurries out the door.
I sit back in my chair and take a long drink from my bottle of water, sighing because it’s already one in the afternoon and I haven’t had a chance to eat lunch.
There are two hours left before the final bell, and I still have a ton of schedules to plow through. As usual, the day is flying by. It’s one of the things I love about this job. There’s never a dull moment and every day is different.
I take a quick glance at my calendar. I have a student appointment scheduled in thirty minutes. Since it’s quiet, I can use this time to check over grade reports. There are about a dozen students I’m keeping an eye on. I prefer to catch them before they get to the point of failing.
There’s a soft rap on the door as I pull up the first student’s file on my computer. A tall man with an easy smile fills the doorway.
Drew.
“I just finished lunch duty and thought I’d pop in to see if you were busy. I haven’t been able to catch you in a couple of weeks,” he says, leaning against the jamb.
Drew is a handsome guy with dark blond hair, green eyes, and sun-kissed skin. Looking at him makes me think of sun and surf. He’s not from California but has surfer boy good looks. From conversations we’ve had in the past, I know he prefers spending his time outdoors hiking, fishing, golfing, and biking. Drew has an athletic build, which makes sense since he has an active lifestyle.
He’s wearing khakis paired with a blue and white striped button-down. School employees are not allowed to wear jeans or T-shirts to work. The administration wants us to dress professionally.
From the gossip I’ve heard, several single female teachers in the building are actively trying to snag Drew’s interest. Yet it’s me who he continually seeks out. A few women have stopped by my office under the pretense of discussing student concerns before finally asking about my relationship status with him. I’m always adamant that we’re just friends and colleagues.
Maybe Drew would like for there to be more, but at the moment, there isn’t.
Whenever we’re together, I compare Drew to one specific man. Even though Drew has a ton of amazing qualities, it’s Roman who makes my pulse quicken. Which is beyond frustrating. There’s nothing less productive than harboring feelings for someone who will never regard you in the same manner.
Just thinking about it makes me want to slam my forehead against my desk. How pathetic am I? It’s not like I don’t recognize the problem. Trust me, I’m totally aware of it. But I feel powerless to do anything to change it.
I smile and wave Drew into my office. “I’m glad you did.”
He grins in response, looking boyishly handsome, and settles onto one of the chairs on the other side of my desk. “You must be overrun with students. Every time I drop by, your door is closed.”
“The spring semester is always busy. I’ve been meeting with students over course conflicts in next year’s schedule. It’s eating up a lot of my time. There are so many loose ends to wrap up before graduation. Not to mention, I have two seniors who are touch-and-go right now.”
He nods. “I’m sure it’ll get busier before it winds down and then you’ll have a well-deserved reprieve.”
A few months of rest and relaxation sounds like heaven. As much as I love my job, it’s nice to recharge my batteries before heading back to work in the fall. I’ve applied to take two graduate-level counseling courses at a local university over summer break and have been kicking around the idea of starting a PhD program. Eventually, I’d like to work in a private practice focusing on kids and teens.
Changing the subject, he asks, “How was your weekend? Did you do anything interesting?”
Roman’s sharp features flash through my head. I almost grimace in response, but keep my smile in place. Sweeping him from my thoughts, I say, “My parents hosted an engagement party for my brother and his fiancée. A lot of family I don’t get to see very often came. My sister flew in from Philadelphia, and other relatives came in from New York. I had a nice time reconnecting with everyone.”
“Sounds fun. I didn’t realize you have family in the area.”
Again, Roman tries shoving his way in at the edges of my mind. I don’t allow him to do it this time. Deciding to let Drew in a bit, I admit, “Yes, my parents and brothers are here in Chicago, along with some extended family.
Drew looks intrigued. “You’ve never mentioned them before.”
He’s right. I don’t discuss my family with coworkers or friends.
“Oh, really?” I say casually. “Hmmm. I thought I had.”
Drew has no idea who my family is. None of my colleagues do. I don’t want them to know.
I adopted my mother’s maiden name when I left home to attend a small private women’s college in Wisconsin. It wasn’t a decision I arrived at lightly. When I broached the topic with my parents, I was surprised by how quickly they jumped on board with the idea. My safety—the safety of all their children—has always been their top priority.
My father’s biggest concern was not being able to surround me with the same level of protection I’d grown up with. The compound was heavily guarded at all times, and a driver escorted me to a nearby private school and anywhere else I needed to go.
Naturally, Papa tried strong-arming me into using security at school, but I quickly shot down the idea. The whole point in going away was to experience life by spreading my wings and enjoying the freedom I’d never gotten a chance to taste as a child. I wanted out of the small, protective bubble I’d been forced to grow up in.
Having guards on campus would draw too much attention. Which was exactly what I didn’t want. For the first time in my life, I wanted anonymity. I wanted to be a normal college girl who lived in the dorms, studied at the library, and occasionally hit a party or two.
The moment I step foot on campus, I stopped being known as Sofia Valentini and became known as Sofia Bianchi. Four years later, when I moved back to Illinois and began graduate school, it seemed natural to keep using my new name.
When I introduce myself as Sofia Bianchi, no one judges me for being part of a notorious family. No fear or disapproval clouds their eyes. I’m also spared any star-struck looks and fake friendships from people who think knowing me will elevate their social status
I continue to hide my real identity because I love the life I’ve crafted for myself.
In an attempt to derail any more personal questions, I ask a few of my own. “What did you do this weekend?”
“Well, let’s see, on Saturday, Grohl and I went hiking at the state park and then on Sunday, I did yard work before forcing myself to sit down and grade sixty-three physics tests. So, nothing too exciting.”
Grohl is Drew’s golden retriever and is named after Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl. Drew is a huge fan and has seen them in concert more than a dozen times. Grohl, the dog, appears to be a big fan of his namesake as well. He barks like crazy whenever Drew cranks up their music. I’ve seen the videos. They’re hysterical.
“Ugh. That’s a lot of papers to grade. I can’t imagine how long it took.”
“Roughly four hours. Most of the test was short-answer.” A self-deprecating smile curves his lips. “I’ve been doing this long enough that you’d think I would’ve learned to make these tests true/false and multiple choice by now. Or Scantron. The short answer sections always kill me.”
“I bet.” I don’t envy teachers, especially the ones in the English department. With all the essays students are mandated to write to meet state benchmarks and standards, they’re always lugging home briefcases full of papers. “At least you were able to spend some time outside. It was a great weekend. The weather was beautiful.”
“It really was. Sunny and in the seventies. Can’t beat that. Hiking always clears my head. You ever been?”
“Only once. My college roommate talked me into hiking a nearby trail and that, unfortunately, turned out to be a traumatic experience. We somehow ended up on the wrong path and were lost for half the day. Thankfully, a ranger found us before it started getting dark out. I had images of getting eaten by a grizzly bear. I don’t think we ever stopped blowing our whistles.” The memory makes me smile. It wasn’t funny at the time, but I laugh about it now.
“Where were you hiking? Out West?”
I laugh and shake my head. “No, why?”
“Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho are the only places in the lower forty-eight where you’ll find grizzlies.” He shrugs. “I think there might even be a few in Washington.”
“Rational thought wasn’t exactly prevalent out in the middle of nowhere. By the time the ranger found us, we were both hysterical.”
He chuckles. “You’re right, that does sound traumatic.”
“It was,” I say cheerfully. “Needless to say, I haven’t been hiking since.”
“Maybe what you need is a more experienced guide. Someone who knows what they’re doing and can keep you safe.”
I smile, turning the idea over in my head. “Maybe.”
He shifts his body toward me. The air in the office changes subtly. My breath catches at the back of my throat as I wait to see what will happen next.
“So, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to get together this weekend. I promise we won’t go hiking.” His eyes twinkle with humor. “At least not this time.”
I laugh at his joke and the tension that had permeated the air dissolves.
Looking encouraged by my response, he continues. “We can get together during the day if that would make you more comfortable. Just think of it as two friends meeting up to have— ”
“Okay.”
His eyes widen almost comically, and he leans in closer, cocking his head. “I’m sorry, can you go back and rewind that last part? Did you just agree to go out with me after almost a year of shooting me down?”
I wince as another gurgle of laughter escapes.
Is that what I’ve just done?
Did I agree to go on a date with Drew?
I sit up straighter. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
Grinning, he pumps a fist in the air like an excited kid. “Yes! See? Persistence really does pay off.”
His response makes me laugh harder, and you know what? It feels good. Really good. This light-hearted exchange is nothing like the ones I’ve experienced with—
No.
I refuse to go there.
He’s the last person I want to dwell on. Or let ruin this moment. I’ve permitted Roman to steal three years of my life, and I won’t allow it to continue any longer. I’m done. What’s happening right now is the beginning of me moving on with my life. It’s been a long time coming. I should have done this years ago. In order to get over Roman, I have to give other men a chance.
Drew is the perfect guy to move on with. He’s intelligent, funny, handsome, and kind. He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a partner, and I know he’s interested in me. While I don’t have romantic feelings for him at the moment, who’s to say they won’t develop over time?
I’ll never know if I don’t try.
The bell rings, signaling a five-minute break before the start of sixth period.
Drew stands. “I’d better head to class, but we’ll talk later to firm up plans for the weekend.”
I nod. A few butterflies wing to life in my belly. I’m really doing this. I agreed to go out with Drew. “That sounds good.”
“No,” he shoots me a bright smile along with a wink, “It sounds fantastic.”
Those words settle the jangled nerves buzzing around inside me. He’s right— it does sound fantastic. We’re going to have a great time.
And who knows?
Maybe this is the beginning of an amazing relationship.