I’ve heard the expression before of “not sleeping a wink.” But I think that night was the first time I actually experienced it. My eyes remained wide open all night, my brain too busy to let my body sleep. Ryan’s offer keeps circulating around and around in my head. The very thought of it makes my skin crawl, but at the same time, it’s the only option I have that keeps Jake out of the Angels. The same happens the night after, and the night after that. There are only a couple of days left until the month’s truce is up, the Feds haven’t shown again, and I am out of other ideas.
It is clear that the Feds are going to take an indeterminate amount of time to get together what they need to charge the Angels. I wish that I could have Jake’s certainty, but I don’t feel like we can rely on them. We’ve never been able to rely on the law in this town, so what makes the Feds any different? Nothing but a badge.
I know that if I do this then I’m jeopardizing everything that I have with Jake. I don’t know if he would ever forgive me for sleeping with Ryan, even if I did it for him. But he would be safe, I tell myself. Even if he wasn’t with you, he would still be safe. Maybe he would even get out of town, start a new life for himself somewhere, away from the Angels and everything else. The thought of not being with Jake feels like a punch to the gut. But the idea of anything happening to him or the Angels making him do the awful things that patches do during their initiation is even worse. I know Jake well enough to understand that if they made him hurt anyone, he would never forgive himself. Even if he knew he doesn’t have a choice. I can’t let that happen. Not when I have the power to stop him. Power—that’s what Crystal had called it. The power of being a woman. Right now it didn’t feel much like power. More like helplessness.
It’s my day off at the diner, but I lie to Jake, telling him that I have to go to work. That’s another lie between us. They keep mounting up.
“You haven’t had a break in a while,” Jake notes, sounding concerned as he passes me my coffee just the way I like it.
“I know, I’m just covering for Crystal,” I sigh. “I owe her one.” I hate myself for being able to lie so easily. “I’m pulling a double, so I’ll probably be home a little late,” I tell him, avoiding his eyes.
“Hold on a sec,” he says as I start to get my things ready to leave. I turn around slowly, waiting for him to call me out for lying. “Don’t I get a goodbye kiss this morning?” he asks, frowning at me.
“Sure,” I sigh, in part relieved but in part wishing that he had seen the lie in my eyes just to lift the burden on my shoulders. I walk over to him and lift my head up towards his. I try to imprint this moment on my mind. I have no idea if I’m ever going to have it again. Our lips meet, and the comfort and excitement and joy that I always feel when Jake and I kiss are all there. He feels like home, and the idea that I may never get to feel like this good again is enough to make the tears spring to my eyes.
“Hey, hey,” he says quietly, meeting my gaze. “What’s the matter?” he asks, holding me close to him as if protecting me from whatever is making me sad.
“Nothing, it’s nothing,” I lie. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” The first nugget of truth in a while passes from my mouth. “My eyes are a little watery,” I explain, wiping away the tear that has made a path down my cheek. “I’ll see you later?” I ask, heading towards the door as quickly as I can.
“Sure, see you later,” Jake says, his voice telling me that he knows that something isn’t quite right. “Hey, Aimee,” he calls as I get to the door, forcing me to turn around. “I love you,” he says simply, smiling that amazing smile of his that can light up an entire football stadium.
“I love you too,” I reply, managing to keep the waver out of my voice. I close the door quickly behind me and get out of the body shop as fast as I can. The tears are threatening to overtake me at any point and I can’t afford to break down somewhere that Jake is likely to see me.
I’ve made my decision, and I’m going to have to live with it. But there’s one person that I need to talk to before I go to do what I have resolved to. I need her to explain to Jake why I did it and to explain how much I love him. There’s only one person that I know Jake will hear it from: his mom.