Aurora 

I wasn’t able to sleep that night and the news that I had received about my husband and sister getting together wasn’t easy to accept.  

The clock on the wall flashed 4:25 AM. It was very early and I felt like I was wired on too much caffeine. I hadn’t had a drop. My mind was racing a million miles an hour. I was playing over the many different scenarios in how it was going to go confronting my sister and my husband. None of them were fulfilling and some had me killing them in a blind rage.

I didn’t think I was capable of premeditated murder, but what they had done had made me think everybody had a breaking point.

I was done thinking about revenge, it was getting too much. I decided to go for a walk only to fall down a few steps away from the door to the hallway. I bit my tongue. I had no interest in being chastised for being a petulant child who didn’t know what her limitations were.

I crawled back to the bed and stopped at the window to pull myself back up to a standing position. My knees hurt from the impact and there was no hiding the bruises that were going to form in less than 24 hours.

I looked out at the twinkling lights in the distance and knew somewhere out there my husband was sleeping soundly with my sister right beside him. I could only hope they weren’t sleeping in the same bed we had consummated our vows in. I didn’t want to believe they could be that callous.

It was nice to see the moon and I had forgotten what it was like to breathe fresh air through the open window. The air was fresh and cold. It was refreshing. The moon was full and bright, casting a warm glow on every surface it touched. It felt like my legs were about to collapse out from underneath me. I lowered myself on my knees and crawled like a baby trying to find her first steps. My knees were killing me.

I got back in bed just in time for the nurse to peek in during her rounds. I knew in the back of my mind there was no way I could possibly keep the secret of being awake for much longer.

“I have to say it was amusing watching you.” This time it was his voice making me jump out of my skin. I guess two could play the same game.

“You scared me half to death. I just got out of a coma and I really have no interest in going back in. Do you always sit in the dark like some kind of specter in the night?” I could have died from the fright of having a stranger in my room at this time of night.  I wanted to ask how he had gotten inside, but I had a feeling Dr. Benton was the benefactor of his presence.

“I was going to say something, but I thought it best to see how far you were going to get on your own.” I had closed my eyes, but somehow he had walked into the room without me even being aware he was there.

“Why are you here so late?” The window was fluttering the curtain and I could hear it flapping in the breeze.

He made a sigh of resignation like he had been defeated and had no idea how to rally back to claim what was left of his life. It seemed important not to rush him. I had to let him talk in his own time.

“I was worried about you, and I came here for some advice. I shouldn’t put you in this position, but you’ve always been there for me in the past. Talking to you helped me to figure things out.” I turned on the bedside lamp with a flick of my finger.

His eyes were sunken and it didn’t look like he was able to sleep. He was surprisingly alert. I wanted to tell him he could tell me anything without judgment, but I wasn’t sure how true that really was.

“I don’t know how much help I will be, but I’m willing to hear you out.” It must be some kind of sign. He obviously knew he was doing something wrong to elicit my advice. He scooted forward with the chair legs scratching across the white tiled floor.

He lowered his hands onto his lap and then he raised them like he was praying for a higher power to come to the rescue. He looked despondent, completely at his wit’s end.

“I don’t want to get you involved. By saying anything you would become complicit after the fact. Implicating you in this would be asking too much. I’ll tell you what I can without revealing all the details. This way you will have plausible deniability.” It sounded reasonable and I was ready to hear his confession.

 “I did something tonight I’m not very proud of. It was technically illegal, but it wasn’t like I was hurting anybody. I will say it was like stepping into a comfortable pair of old shoes. They might’ve been broken in, but I haven’t worn them in quite some time.” It sounded like he had resorted back to the very reason why he had disappeared from his mother’s life for three years.

“You’re telling me something and nothing at the same time. If I didn’t know any better, I would swear you were a politician giving me false platitudes to get my vote. You better not shake my hand or I swear I will kick you where the sun doesn’t shine.” He cringed momentarily with the very idea I could do something like that.

“I don’t mean to be frustrating. This would have been different had you been sleeping like every other time I’ve come to see you at this time of night. I know I shouldn’t be here, but talking to you makes me feel like I can be a better man.” I didn’t want him to give me that kind of power over his future. He could be a better man, I had faith in him.

“Let’s go for a walk, some fresh air would do you, actually both of us a lot of good. Would you help me?” He raised a finger like a light bulb had gone off over his head.

“I have an idea.” He ran out of the room like his pants were on fire and came back triumphantly dragging in a wheelchair in front of them.

He was having problems unlocking the brakes. I was going to suggest how to do it, but I didn’t want to emasculate him. It would’ve been a blow to his ego. He had gone out of his way to help me.

He was cursing underneath his breath. He got his hand caught in the lever and it was painfully pinching his skin. He had to stick his finger in his mouth to soothe away the pain. It was a little childish, but also fun to watch.

“It can’t be this hard. I’m trying to do something gallant and it’s backfiring in my face. I don’t see anything remotely funny about this. Do you see me laughing?” I didn’t mean it, but from my point of view, it was a hilarious thing to see.

“Oh come on. This is the first time I have found a reason to smile about anything. You did the one thing the doctors and the staff here in this place hasn’t been able to do.” He wasn’t about to give up on the wheelchair even though it seemed to have his number.

“I won’t let this damn wheelchair get the best of me.” It took almost five minutes, but he finally jumped up and down with the small victory of getting the brakes unlocked. It was a funny sight.

He wasn’t even thinking when he picked me up and lowered me into it without even asking my permission. He tipped it back and made me gasp out loud at his audacity. He stopped momentarily to open the door. For the first time, I was getting a look at more than the four walls in my room.

The place was clinical with no real life in the halls. The only sound was the elevator moving with the skeleton crew who stalked the hallways. I could hear the faint sound of vacuum cleaners and the lingering sounds of the janitors wringing water out of the mop bucket.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. It’s depressing. If I didn’t feel like jumping out of the window already then this is certainly going to push me in that direction.” He wasn’t about to give up.

“I have a place that I want to show you.” The elevator opened and the young woman chewing on what looked like a chicken salad sandwich merely stared at us.

She never said one word and we were trying not to laugh. It would have made her feel awkward. The doors closed and we went into a hysterical fit until I was almost crying.

The door opened and there was a set of stairs going to the roof. He tried desperately to lift the wheelchair one step at a time. He was out of breath by the time he got to the third step.

“I don’t think I thought this through.” He looked dejected and I wanted to do something to make all of his hard work pay off.

“Why don’t you carry me the rest of the way? I’m far lighter than the wheelchair coming along with me.”

“Damn…I am not usually this stupid. Why didn’t I think of that?” Without any effort, he swept me out of the wheelchair and into his arms.

He held me steadily in his arms while I opened up the door to the roof. He brought me over to the edge and let me down on my feet to wobble in place. The vastness of night sky and the blinking stars gave me the impression I was a small cog in a big wheel.

“I’m glad you shared with me this special place of yours.”

“I’m not delusional. The cigarette butts takes away the illusion of this being some untouched piece of paradise. I see things differently when I come up here. It does make you feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things.”

“I do understand. My story is just one of many out there playing out every single day.” There was no doubt in my mind the staff had come up here on occasion to smoke and get away from it all.

He had his arms around me keeping me from falling, but it was already too late. I was falling for him in a big way.  The way he held me as though my body was meant to be in the embrace, cradled by his muscular arms. I was holding close that I could smell him, a clean and fresh scent. His five o’clock shadow, the gold flecks in his blue eyes when I looked up at him.

For some reason, I felt like I was betraying my ex-husband. I had nothing to apologize for. He had gotten this ball rolling by getting divorced. I could have thrown myself at Travis willingly without reservations. But Travis deserved better than being my rebound guy.

The silence was making it easier to think. I had to keep my feelings to myself. I had no idea if they were going to be reciprocated. I was already hanging by a frayed piece of string when it came to my emotional well being. One more set back and I had no idea what kind of shape I would be left in.

“My mind has been playing tricks on me. I feel like I’m making more out of what is happening to me. It can’t possibly be as bad as I have made it out to be in my head.” I refused to let myself fall into pieces over my ex and my sister, that would be giving them too much power.

“Aurora, I don’t know if I am the best person to give this advice. But it seems to me the best solution to your problem is to sever any connection to your past.” I was already thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to say it out loud. I was afraid of the consequences.

“I wish there is something that I can hold onto from my past. I don’t know how to start over. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can’t see the present and the future.” I was using him in much the same way he had used me when I was listening to him.

“I wish I could say the same. The past I have been running from is no longer in my rearview mirror. I’ve gotten caught up in something.” I was going to ask some questions, but I didn’t feel he was looking for me to solve this problem. I was there to validate his emotions.

“Since you can’t tell me the specifics, there is only one thing that I can say. If you’re already thinking what you’re doing is wrong then maybe you already have your answer.”

The sun was rising slowly. The fog was slowly forming near the dips of the valley. It was a beautiful sight. Travis was still holding me from behind, wrapped his arms around me, keeping me warm and holding me steady. Alas my legs were twitching from the effort of standing up for an extended period of time. Travis brought me back downstairs and down the elevator in the wheelchair. It was already 6:35 in the morning. The long term care ward was slowly coming alive, staff were getting ready with breakfast. Travis helped me back into my bed, he kissed me on my cheek and left.