23
KRUM
The muscles of my arms are burning. I’ve never subjected my body to such an exhausting workout. Always better than taking down a bottle of brandy. Now the princess is allowed to wander around the Temple as if nothing had happened. Luckily Manuel accompanied the Father to do errands, or my nerves would explode if I had to control her from afar. It’s already exasperating enough to keep her by a wrist or hand; imagine without being noticed.
I spent the whole afternoon in the gym. When I saw her coming in, I was shocked. I felt her gaze tingling on my skin; my muscles stiffening no longer for the effort but because of her presence. Physical activity is the only thing that distracts my body from certain impulses, but today I’d have wanted to throw her up against a wall, trample her and force her to apologize for the way she treated me. I’d have taped that mouth in a way that she’d cry out, but with pleasure.
I massage my forehead, thinking she's a damn woman able to control me from a distance and then, I am the one who controls her. No way!
I go to take a shower and it takes longer than usual. I am a bundle of nerves. I need to relieve my contracted skin, I want to stop this strange tingling that her gaze stirs up in me, for incomprehensible reasons. I bring my hand down to my intimacy and I remove it immediately.
I won’t touch myself.
Fuck it.
I get out of the shower more nervous than before. I need to fuck and I can’t wait for Ivanka to come. I'd be tempted to bring Ambra to the Sight Room to show her what she is missing and show her what I can do, but it would be a shameful move forcing her to look at me as I screw another woman. The most sadistic part of me is frightened by the thought. The weak part erases the image even before it is created.
While shortening my beard distractedly, without shaving it, I recall today's discussion and I realize that my mind is more free to wander. Now it's all clear and well defined: I could think; I could imagine, but... I could. Never. Have. Anything.
Umri. Die.
I hope this obsession really dies.
I’m wearing the dark blue trousers of the suit, a tapered white shirt and a blue jacket. I put on a belt and, as I pass it through the loops; my mind creates really hot scenes. If I keep doing this, I’ll get sick.
I ruffle my hair casually, spray a bit of Boss The Scent on and go downstairs, really hoping not to find her around.
I am relieved to see that they’ve arranged a buffet and not formal tables. Sitting at a table with Ambra is as exasperating as being in contact with her. I see Oscar talking to Manuel and I cannot hide that I feel relieved to see him without her. The victim of my punches still has a swollen face and a reddish eye, but Oscar is smiling more than usual.
“Where is your companion, Botev?” Here he goes.
“And yours?”
“In her room with her friend.”
I choose the strongest scotch they’re serving and fill a glass. I look at Oscar with the tail of my eye and take the opportunity to tease him.
“Are you going to do something with Ambra's friend or do you just want to talk to her?”
“I won’t count on anything.”
“What’re you going to do with Ivanka?” Why should Manuel butt in if I'm talking to Oscar? I'm already getting angry.
“What do you think I am gonna do?”
Manuel approaches us. His stride doesn’t hide his intention of making me angry. I remain motionless because I know I have to control myself and that it’s better to crush a glass in my hand rather than on his head. I'm not going to contradict Leonardo more than he already is, and, then, there are already guests in the room.
“In my opinion,” he whispers like a snake, “you’ll do exactly what I’m going to do to Ambra.”
I bite my tongue. I start to feel the metallic taste of blood. I am forcing myself not to destroy this idiot.
I'm answering him, when I hear two female laughs overwhelming the tinkling of the crystal glasses. I recognize the ridiculous sound of Ambra's friend; the woman who miraculously turned my friend into a goof. Then I perceive Ambra’s gentle tone; her laugh moderate; elegant; caressing. I don’t dare to turn around.
“Hello,” Ambra says, coughing a bit.
I try not to look at her, but it’s difficult, as the neckline of her black dress, indecently form-fitting, has just become the main attraction of all the eyes in this damn room.
If I had the right to expect something from her, I wouldn’t let her go around dressed like that.
Proklyatie! Damn it!
I attach my lips to the edge of the glass to avoid speaking to her.
“This is Emma,” she's doing the boring introductions. Her friend has a straight and dark bob. She's pretty cute, but you can read something else in Oscar's eyes. She’s beautiful for him. She has a short cream dress similar to the color of her skin; Nothing to do with Ambra’s elegance, anyway. She wears just a black tube and she’s already a work of art breathing, fuck. She combed her hair in soft waves, as I like it. “Emma, he is Manuel.” The two shake hands, Emma doesn’t seem disturbed by Manuel’s aspect. Ambra must have informed her well. “He is…” she snorts, turning to me. “He's Krum,” she says my name with difficulty.
I stretch out my hand and, without paying too much attention to Emma, I mumble “it’s a pleasure.”
“And he…” Ambra changed her tone of voice. “He is Oscar.”
“Oscar?” Emma looks at Ambra as if she wanted to tear her to pieces. Tear her to pieces, but do it in front of me. At least today I can enjoy somehow!
“My pleasure,” Oscar gives a fake smile. He's ridiculous. He gives his hand and the girl gives hers timidly.
I have enough of this bullshit. I put the empty glass on the table and ask for a new one. I feel Ambra's eyes on my back, but I don’t turn around. I ignore her. I leave without greeting, I'm rude, I don’t care.
I head to Leonardo and study a strategic position to stay at, in order to control her. If that worm dares to put a hand on her, I won't care about Leonardo’s party and all the rest. I’ll cut his hands off.
Ambra, Oscar, Manuel and the new entry laugh at stupid things. Obvious! What can you talk about with that idiot and the spoiled girl? Some time ago I researched information about this Emma. She's the typical daddy's girl with her nose in the air, I'm surprised that Oscar finds her interesting.
I look at them filling their dishes at the buffet and I feel the Father's warm hand resting on my shoulder.
“Why aren’t you with them?” he asks. I swallow the liquor that begins to burn in my throat.
“I prefer being alone, you know.”
“You gave the key to Ambra. Do you trust her that much?”
Leonardo is always elegant and he is able to make me confess, but this time I don’t want to open up more than I should. I don’t like the way he looks at Ambra, or even the fact that he hasn’t yet met with her about the call.
“I had no choice.”
“Why, if I may know?”
“She's stubborn, obstinate, pretty convincing.”
Leonardo looks at me while I'm staring at her. Then he looks at her who is staring at me.
“Your quarrels with Manuel,” he insinuates. I sigh, hoping that my snorting would stop his investigating. “I don’t want my guardians to fight over a woman.”
I drink, it's better I drink!
“He keeps threatening to put his hands on her. Like seven years ago,” my tone is spectral; obscure; full of terror; the terror that he'll really do it.
“I'll talk to him. Ambra is a potential member of the Sect. The closer she is to covering her role, the more she gains power in the Temple. One day she’ll give you orders and I doubt Manuel would like to have her as an enemy.”
Ambra giving me orders? That's nothing new, as she’s always gotten what she wants. I'm not sure if it will excite or annoy me. Of course, I won’t stop being what I am just because she will be a member of the Sect.
“Keep an eye on her and remember, Krum, never allow anyone to touch you inside or out.”
It's his law. It's my law.
I take advantage of the moment Ambra is distracted and I let my eyes go crazy on her fiendish body. I imagine the skin of her uncovered arms as scented silk; her high and firm ass tight in one hand; her hair gathered in my fist; her bare neck where I set my lips. I bat my eyelashes and I wake up from her enchantment, when I jump seeing Manuel's hand on her back and his slimy mouth approaching her ear.
Edno, dve, tri… I start counting.
I'm going to go over there like a demon, when I see Ivanka appearing with a timing she’d never had before. Her stride attracts Emma's attention, and Ambra’s too, who follows her with her eyes as she comes straight to me.
Dobra, Ivanka, dobra… Good, Ivanka, good...
“Zdraveῐ, Krum.”
“Zdrasti, Ivanka.” Hi.
I pull her to me and give her a kiss on her cheek longer than she deserves. I feel her hand caressing lovingly my back. My eyes are on Ambra, whose reaction is incomprehensible. It's totally inexpressive. Lifeless. Or she takes it well or she doesn’t care. I want to think she takes it well.
I offer Ivanka a drink and she looks at me with her typical malice.
“How's it going with your Ambra, guardian?”
“My Ambra?”
“Yes, yours. I understand from the way she talks about you.”
“And what would she have told you about me?”
“Oh, I don’t remember. But she hates you and that says a lot.”
“What does that mean?”
“Hate is such a subtle feeling to be annihilated with the same ease with which it explodes.”
“How philosophical you are!” She rests her hand on my chest. For a moment I lose the meaning of her phrase and concentrate on the excitement Ivanka usually provokes in me. But this time nothing happens to my body and I find myself again looking for Ambra's gaze now betraying, sighing when she sees my companion approaching my ear.
“I want you to fuck me.” Not even her words raise the fire of desire. Nothing. I feel nothing.
She wraps her arm around my neck. I catch her wrist and let go of her. Something keeps me, something keeps me in her fist, not something: she.
I pull Ivanka's side whispering in her ear: “Don’t touch me tonight.”
She steps back confused. I am looking for Ambra again, but I can't find her anymore. My eyes wander confused around the room, I don’t see her and panic.
I drink in one gulp the third glass of scotch and leave Ivanka alone, immersing myself among the few guests invited by Leonardo, whose gaze tells me that he has understood the situation.
I go out onto the porch before the lush garden. I see Oscar laughing with Emma and go fast toward them. I take Oscar by an arm and get his attention.
“Where is she?” The blood rushes to my the brain. If Manuel has taken her somewhere, I'll go crazy.
“Who?”
“Her.”
Emma looks at me from head to toe. If Ambra looked at another man in the same way, in my presence, I’d kill her with a striking glance.
“She was here… I don’t know…”
“Where the fuck did they go?”
“What elegance!” mumbles the spoiled girl.
“Did she tell you where she was going?” I ask.
“Who are you talking about?”
What does she know about my obsession!
“Ambra, where is Ambra?”
“Krum, calm down,” Oscar's voice is distant.
I have my ears plugged, my hands are sweating. It may be the effect of the alcohol. Surely, I can’t become like this over my woman.
“Is everything all right here?” Her voice! I shut my eyes.
“Here she is,” Emma screams. I'm an idiot!
Finally the ground from under my feet is back. My heart seems to beat human rhythms. I put my hands in my pockets and slowly turn around, hoping my gaze is enough to make her understand that she shouldn’t disappear from my view. She leans on the wall and gives a glass to Emma.
“Who was looking for me?” she asks ignoring me.
When Manuel appears to my vision and puts his hand on her side, swallowing doesn’t help to push down that thorn in my throat; batting my eyelids doesn’t help to awaken me. The clamp of jealousy is so strong that it tears down every shred of lucidity. I’m not able to think straight and it’s all the fault of this woman that should be punished for her damn beauty.
“Manuel!” I hiss in a reproach that is a repetition of all the others. My fists are tight in my pockets.
“Krum!” Are you challenging me?
“The hand!”
Everyone is looking at me as if I were crazy. I am crazy.
“The hand, what?” Manuel replies.
Oscar leads Emma away, who leaves whispering something.
Manuel brings Ambra even closer. She has decided to torture me and not to support me on this damn night.
“The hand, Manuel. Get that fucking hand off of my woman's body.”
Manuel bursts in laughter, but Ambra moves, advances toward me and finally gets away from that worm.
“What did you say?” The tone of her voice is not angelic as it often sounds. It’s filled with anger. She's getting ready to insult me; Better than seeing her with him.
“Do I have to repeat it?”
“Your woman?” she asks, as if it wasn’t so.
“Botev is sick, Ambra, leave him alone, let's go back inside.”
He takes her hand and I… shit, I go crazy.
I grab Ambra’s other arm and put her behind me. She doesn’t resist and I have the opportunity to clear up things with Manuel.
“I’ve warned you. I’ve smashed your face more than once. What else should I do to make you understand that you don’t have to stay near her?”
“Krum, now that's enough, you're ridiculous.” I hear her protesting behind me and I tug her, obliging her to stay behind me.
I don’t want to be compelled to tell her that Manuel is the same man who tried to rape her seven years ago. I’d only hurt her. The memories would reappear as punches to her stomach and I wouldn’t know how to console her, because I’d be the last person she would go to.
“Ambra, please tell him,” Manuel's voice sounds crestfallen. “Tell him you don’t want to be with him.”
Asshole!
I gnash my teeth, I'm restraining myself too much, but I don’t want to trigger a brawl in front of Ambra. I don’t want to show her how I am when I lose my head. She's already afraid of my single gestures.
Ambra manages to free herself and places herself between me and Manuel her look doesn’t hide how much she disapproves of my behavior.
“Do you know something?” she puffs. “I don’t care about either of you. Keep me out of your discussions. If I'm here, it's not for fun. I have no pleasure in spending time in this place,” she points a finger at Manuel, “nor with you,” then points to me, “and especially with you!”
Especially. Okay.
“You said what you think, okay,” I say. “Now get out of my sight!”
It’s the first thing that comes to my mind, the first sentence my lips say, the only stupid expression I am able to say.
She opens her mouth in disbelief, steps back and returns to the room. When I see Manuel taking a step to follow her, I do the same and block his passage. I put my hand on his chest and push him.
“If you don’t stop hanging around her, I tell her you're the piece of shit that, seven years ago, put his hands on her!”
He becomes pale. He's gotten away with it so far. I’ve just done him a favor, being silent, but now I think I'll stop covering for him.
“You can’t tell her.”
“Of course I can and I will.”
“She’ll hate you even more because you allowed me to touch her even with a finger.”
“Kopele!”
“Yeah, I'm a bastard,” he smiles an evil grin and advances safely toward me. “If you tell her the truth, she’ll get angry because you haven’t told her before and in any case, you have always been as guilty as me. I want you to remember you accepted the bet and that you sat on that chair ready to enjoy the show. What happened later, was just because you remembered the cocks that your father forced you to suck…”
I punch him so hard that he falls to the ground.
In a moment people rush over to us. I'm not going to stay here to break my knuckles on this butthead. Manuel spits blood on the porch floor, and I spit on him to increase the dosage. I won’t stay here a minute more.
When I come back, I don’t care about the recall of the Father who shouts my name again and again. My only thought is to find Ambra. I don’t see her, and every damned time I lose sight of her, I feel empty inside so deep down that it causes a great, exasperating fear.
I look for her among the women, among the groups chatting and not noticing my hand bleeding, I look for her everywhere, but she isn’t there. I leave the room and cross the entrance, straight to the stairs. Perhaps she has taken refuge in her room, perhaps she has decided to go away from everyone.
She went away from you.
I go up the stairs with long and quick strides. In a moment I am at her landing. I reach her room and try to open the door, but it's locked.
“Get out of here!” she screams even before knowing that it’s me. It hurts me, but at the same time gives me a strange sense of relief to know that she was expecting me. She was thinking about me.
“Ambra, open the door! Don’t make me repeat myself.”
“I'm tired of you and all the rest. Go away, I can’t stand it anymore!” Her voice is tormented. I hope she isn’t crying. I don’t want her to cry, not about me. She’s cried too much over me and I’ve no intention to cause her tears anymore.
“Ambra,” I call her gently, banging my damn head on the door.
She surprises me and suddenly opens, showing her total splendor, contaminated with the sadness impressed in her eyes. Two tears slide down her face and I'm forced to hold my fingers in a fist to suppress the need to remove them from her skin.
I could drink all her tears and absorb all her pain if she'd let me do it.
“I thought we had come to a definite conclusion,” she says.
“To get to the end there must be a beginning.”
“You and I already have a beginning!”
“Do you want the end?”
“Yup!”
“Can I come in?”
“No!” She crosses her arms and seeing her so irremovable makes me desire to force her. I bring my hand to my head and brush my hair back. She notices blood on my knuckles, but says nothing. She already knows I'm a beast.
“Don’t cry anymore,” I almost implore her to stop.
“If you want me to stop crying, get out of my life.”
If she had punched my stomach, it would have hurt less. I'm devastated inside. I feel useless and insignificant. I'm nobody, nobody and nobody.
“What did I do this time?” my voice begins to lose the delicacy I’d set.
“You treat me as an object, and don’t ever worry about how I feel.”
“It's not true, I…” I bring a fist to my mouth and I bite my thumb. “I worry about you, a lot! You don’t know what… You don’t know what Manuel did!”
She squints her eyes and stares at me with a smart look. If she is trying to extort a confession from me, she won’t succeed. That shit is right, she wouldn’t forgive me.
She wouldn’t forgive you anyway.
“Tell me what he did!”
“Let me in!”
“No,” she stops me when I step forward and I get really angry.
“Stop doing that,” I yell
“Doing what?” she screams louder than me.
“You make me feel disgusting; you make me feel useless; a monster! I cannot get close to you. I cannot touch you, I can't do anything with you. Nothing.”
“You mustn’t do anything!” she comes out of her territory and pushes me with a finger. She is so strong, so gorgeous in her fury that I can’t stop the impulse of caressing her.
I touch her cheek and seeing her moving away is my final condemnation.
“Ambra…”
“Tell me what Manuel did!”
We are on the landing, anyone could pass by. It’s certainly not the best place to give her such news, but thinking about the situation I realize she deserves to know. I owe her. At least this.
“Manuel…” I swallow. She looks into my eyes. At least she takes me into consideration; at least she gives me permission to dive into her wretched world one last time. “Manuel… he is the other kidnapper, Ambra. He’s the other…”
“What?” Imperceptible, her voice lost all its energy.
“I didn’t want to trouble you,” I look down.
Now it's too hard to look at her, read that pain, see desolation and humiliation again. Ambra has exactly the same eyes that convinced me to rescue her.
I'd like to rescue her again, but she doesn’t give me the chance.
She steps back, staring at the floor, enters the room, and before I can follow her, she has slammed the door in my face.
I don’t want her to be alone; I don’t want her to blame herself for the trust given to Manuel; I don’t want her to hate me because I kept the truth from her, I don’t want her to suffer again.
I don’t want it.
I put a hand on the door and even an ear, hoping not to hear her cry. I don’t hear anything. The silence is disturbing and is leading us to a definitive condemnation.
I whisper her name, even though she can't hear me. I stay there for hours nailed to the floor. I wait for her to look for me and I hope she needs me as I need her. When I understand that she won’t reopen the door again, I get up and leave, accepting that I have been cut out of her life.