18. WHAT LOVERS DO
ESTHER
My head rested on his abs as he sat up against the headboard of the bed. The smell of sex lingered in the air around us as we laid there, naked and breathing it in. My body was aching in the best way…in ways I didn’t realize it could. How many times had we made love? Made love. I’d always laughed to myself about that phrase. Making love. It seemed so archaic, a term that only seemed to exist in between the pages of romance novels. And yet, the way he’d kissed me and held me and touched me—gentle the first time, rougher the second, and downright pornographic the third—yet all still passionate. Each thrust was a confession that gave me chills all over. It was like he knew exactly what my body needed and when it needed it…
Was it because he’d been my lover so many times before?
Wait, were we actually lovers?
Holding on to the sheets I turned to look up at him but his eyes were closed. As I moved to roll over he put his arm around me. His eyes opened and I couldn’t help but notice how long his eyelashes were.
“What is it?” he asked softly.
The gentle look in his eyes, the sound of his voice, on top of the fact that the only thing blocking him from seeing me completely naked again was a thin sheet made me lose my nerve.
“Nothing.”
“Okay,” he nodded and closed his eyes again but he didn’t move his arm which rested right under my breast.
“Okay? You gave up easily,” I joked.
He nodded and without opening his eyes he said, “When you’re ready to ask I’m sure you will. Until then I’ll just wait and try not to be tempted by you.”
I put my hand on my face, I wanted to laugh, not because he was funny, but because I felt so giddy, like I was a teenage girl or something. Biting the inside of my cheek, I ignored the second part of his statement.
“I don’t know where we go from here,” I said to him and he didn’t reply so I kept talking. “I feel all lovey-dovey and it’s weird because I’ve never felt like this before. But I know that’s not true. Apparently we’ve done all of this before and that’s insane to me. All of this…is just…not only did I find out you’re …you and I’m…me and we’ve like…I just said ‘like’ unnecessarily because I’m rambling and I’m just going to think before I speak again.” I put my hands back on my face.
He snickered and then just laughed. His whole body started shaking which in turn made me shake as well.
“Shut up.” I frowned at him.
“Sorry.” He laughed again, looking down at me. “You’re cute.”
“I fell from tempting to cute?”
He sat up and brushed my curls off my face. “You haven’t fallen. You’re tempting when you’re cute too.”
I held on to his wrist as his thumb stroked my face. “Stop with all the romantic talk.”
“I’m being honest; I didn’t realize it was romantic.” He spoke a little softer now. “Would you like me to stop being honest?”
“Would you do whatever I asked?”
The corner of his mouth turned up. “You know; you ask me this question in every life we’ve had.”
I do?
“It’s not my fault I keep forgetting the answer.” Why was that? Why did I always forget? Why did he always remember? Why was any of this happening at all? I’d only seen one lifetime, not even the full lifetime—just the tragic ending—and the pain was unbearable.
“Almost anything,” he answered, drawing me from my thoughts and based on the look in his eye, I knew he’d done it on purpose. “I’d do almost anything you asked.”
“What wouldn’t you do?”
He stared at me and I stared back waiting. He tried to move his hand from my face, but I held him still. “What wouldn’t you do, Malachi?”
“Kill you.”
Sitting up from his stomach, I no longer cared if the sheets fell off me. I’d asked something that part of me didn’t want to know. “Have I—past me—asked you to do that?”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t?”
“I did.” He frowned. “In November 1599. I was a prince in the Mughal Empire and we’d been thrown into the pit of the forsaken to die together. I thought…I thought I could ease your suffering…they poisoned you…” He hung his head in shame and a sadness so deep my heart broke for him and his suffering. How many lifetimes had there been since then that he’d been bearing that burden?
“Why is this happening?”
“I do not know.”
“When will it stop?”
“I do not know.”
“Are we going to die?”
“Everyone dies,” he reminded me. “So yes, we are going to die. I do not know when or how.”
“But it usually happens shortly after we meet, right?” I was starting to feel panic set in.
He took my hands and kissed them. “Yes, but we met months ago, Esther. This the longest it’s ever taken you to remember, so maybe…”
“Maybe we won’t die until I remember everything,” I finished for him thinking quickly. “So, what if I don’t remember—?”
“You’ve already started to, haven’t you?” he asked and I froze as I recalled the dream. He continued. “After the first one, the rest will come back sooner and sooner until everything floods your mind again.”
“I’ll…” My voice cracked, but I need to say it. “I’ll fight it.”
“How?” He frowned. “What triggered the memory you had? The music? We’ve heard so many songs together will you avoid them all? Will you give up books? Smells? Foods? You can’t.”
“Why are discouraging me—?”
“Because I don’t want you to give up on life. I’ve tried, Esther. I’ve tried not to remember. It’s agonizing and lonely. Remember how I was in Montana the day to took care of me? That will be you and in the end, the memory will still force its way through.”
I could never forget the pain he’d been in. How he begged not to love her—me—again.
“So what do we do?” I already felt so defeated.
He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. “We live for as long as we can. The best as we can. We focus on us now as Malachi and Esther.”
“Esther and Malachi,” I said grinning and so did he…I loved how our names sounded together. But it also made me think of all the other names that had sounded so good together.
“Aren’t you scared?”
He kissed the side of my head. “The moment you aren’t in my arms or in my sight I will be.”
“Then don’t let me out of your arms or sight.” I shifted in order to kiss his neck. I gently bit his skin and he gasped in shock but he didn’t stay that way for long. Instead, he flipped me onto my back and pinned my hands on either side of me.
“Esther—”
“Malachi.”
I grinned and so did he.
MALACHI
Make her happy.
That was the only thing I could think to do at this point. It was the only thing I cared about. From now to the end of my life—however long or short that was—I wanted to give her as many breathtakingly magnificent memories as I possibly could. Starting from right where I’d left off the last time we were together.
“Not bad.” I licked the chocolate icing from my thumb.
“What in the…?”
I looked up as she came into the kitchen and her eyes grew wide as she looked over the chaos I’d unleashed onto the countertops, all of which were covered in flour, baking powder, and egg shells. She stood there, dressed in only my shirt, which she hadn’t even buttoned, and her lacy panties, forcing me to use all my strength to stay focused. Grabbing the lighter and the sorry excuse for a cake I’d made I stood in front of her.
“Happy Birthday Esth?” She read out loud.
“I ran out of space,” I shrugged. It was the thought that counted, right?
“Malachi,” she laughed shaking her head. “You know it’s not my birthday, right?”
“You wished for a birthday cake made by me so I’m fulfilling that wish,” I smirked as I clicked the lighter and held its flame above the cake. “Last year’s was not what it should have been and I’m sure this year was hard, so let’s re-celebrate it.”
Teary eyed, she blew out the light and took the cake from my hand, staring down at it as if it were gold.
“My wishes…you remembered.”
I lifted a pen and the now butter stained paper she’d written on almost a year ago. The ink was a bit faded and the paper itself had been folded and unfolded so many times the crease in it was weak enough to be torn with ease.
“You only wrote thirteen before…before leaving. You have ten more to add, well eleven since you’re now twenty-four,” I said as I swapped the cake in her hands for the pen and paper in mine.
“What?” She looked down at the paper.
“See the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World,” I repeated. “We’ve seen them all—and it’s a good thing too because the only one left to actually see is the Great Pyramid.”
The look on her face was hilarious. I knew when she’d written that list she was merely kidding. She’d written it not believing that I’d ever actually follow through. But if I could I would have and if it were within my power to do so I would.
“When was our first life?”
It was the most rational question she could have asked me and I wanted to tell her the whole story but the thing was that it was so long ago, so many lives had come and gone since that one. Of all my memories it was the weakest, the blackest.
“Malachi?” I loved how she said my name. How she whispered it, how she moaned it, how she screamed it out. It was all music to my ears.
“You’ll need a knife for this,” I finally spoke again. Putting the cake down on the counter, I looked for where I’d seen the utensils. However, the moment I turned from her, she placed her hand on my back. I couldn’t help but shiver when she did.
“You know, it’s funny,” she said tracing her fingers over my back, “I told my grandfather once that I didn’t know what I’d do without your words. Reading your stories always gave me strength to do better, love more, and be kinder. And he told me to be the bringer of your own happiness and optimism. Not a book. Not a man. But myself. And now I know it was myself…my past self-counseling my present one. It’s like I found a loop-hole. Grandpa, I’m not really obsessed with Malachi Lord’s books, I’m obsessed with myself and the man who loved me nine hundred and ninety-nine times over.” She kissed my spine and hugged me tightly, her hands on my bare chest. “I don’t need any other wish but to be with you.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I placed my hand over hers and tilted my head back to look up at the ceiling.
“You couldn’t have said that before I made the cake?”
“And here I was baring my soul—” She tried to move her arms away but I held on to her.
“You said you had an early meeting this morning, right?” I glanced at the clock…it was already five a.m.
“Crap, yeah I needed to—”
“Cancel.” I let go and turned around to face her. “While you were sleeping, I called and had the fridge stocked. You were right, anything can be delivered in this city. So, let’s stay for at least today.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want us to stop living life?” she asked as I tugged at the hem of her panties.
“I did,” I replied as I grabbed her ass and pressed her body against mine, my lips at her ears. “Today I just want to live while inside you. For the first time in our lives, from sunup to sundown, let’s indulge in one another without any interruptions.”
“I’m not going to be able to walk straight, am I?” She snickered as she played with the hem of my boxers.
I couldn’t help but smirk at that. “When you can’t walk, I’ll carry you.”
“You promise?”
“I swear it.”
“Then don’t hold back.”
With pleasure.
***
“Draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.”
Glancing up from the sketchbook in front of me she stood in a soft pink silk robe which she’d pulled off her shoulders slightly, and she purposefully stuck out her smooth brown leg. She was the epitome of beauty but that line…I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Really?” I asked between laughs.
She grinned from ear to ear as she nodded and skipped over to the couch. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say that line. And do this.”
The moment she dropped the robe the laughter coming out of my throat morphed into a cough, as I found myself unable to look away from the curve of her breasts and her waist. I’d seen all of her by now and yet she still sucked all the air out of my lungs without exerting any effort.
“Where do you want me?” she asked as she moved over to the couch while I struggled to get the air back into my lungs. Finally, she looked to me and her confidence dwindled and slowly her arms crossed over her chest.
Placing the book and my pencils to the right of me I rose from the carpet opposite the couch and walked to her as she leaned back.
“You’re making this much more intense than it was in my head,” she whispered when I tilted her chin back.
“Good.” Smirking I nodded as I directed. “Turn a little. Yes, like that,”
Taking a few of the pillows from the couch, I hovered over her as I positioned her hips and hands. Her lips clamped down and she tried not to look at me, and because I couldn’t help myself—because I desperately craved her attention—I tapped her chest.
“Where’s your giant diamond?” I teased.
She looked up to me and her eyes were like gemstones. Reaching up she touched my bare chest and allowed her hand to settle directly over my heart. “I put the most precious thing in here for safe keeping.”
I looked down at her hand. “Was that wise?”
“Undoubtedly,” she whispered as her voice forced me to look at her again. “You’ve kept it over and over again, even when I forget, even when…when you have no one with whom you can share the pain with…when you were alone. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same.”
There she went again…making me weak…making me feel as if we were saying hello and goodbye all at the same time.
“Stay still.” I took her hand off my chest and kissed it before I placed it back over her waist. Getting up off the couch I moved back to my place and sat down.
Looking up again I found her staring at me with a deep, burning intensity and while part of me enjoyed the fact that she knew, that she felt it too—how deep and bottomless our hearts were—another part of me couldn’t bare the magnitude of that reality, I wanted to distract her, us, so we could be as we were now, just Malachi and Esther, not centuries old lovers. But she spoke before I could preserve the moment.
“We were never on the Titanic.” She wasn’t asking because it wasn’t a question. She was, whether she wanted to or not, remembering.
“No,” I said softly as I drew her from her feet to her face because every detail was engrained in my mind and…I couldn’t bear to just stare at her.
“So I can still blame James Cameron for making me sob for whenever I hear My Heart Will Go On.”
“And Celine Dion.”
She giggled softly. “Right. I’m kind of shocked you know the movie or the song.”
“Why?” I asked as I traced the curve from her legs to her hips.
“You said you locked yourself away from the world, right?”
“No,” I corrected. “I tried to. It was a constant struggle with myself. Sometimes I couldn’t bear the silence of being alone so I’d go out hoping to find you and just get it over with. I’d listen for your voice and look for your face, in music, art, film, until the fear caught up with me again and I’d lock myself away once more. Sometimes I was determined and yet the world we live in now makes it almost impossible to avoid certain things. Music plays when you get in an elevator or walk down the street. Most times I was torn, wanting more, fearing more.”
“Meanwhile I was…I was oblivious.” She fought back a sob. “Why is it I never remember?”
“Maybe you aren’t supposed to,” I told her honestly, now drawing her shoulders. “Maybe it’s me. I shouldn’t remember either. But I do and it screws everything up.”
“Or maybe it’s me and I’m supposed to remember sooner?”
“Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe into infinity.” I smiled looking up at her collarbone before drawing again. “We could guess and speculate but it doesn’t change the fact that I do remember and you do forget. It’s how it is and how it wi—”
I froze as my grip on the pen tightened.
“How it will be next time?” She finished for me as I started to draw again. “That’s what you were going to say. You don’t believe it might be different this time?”
“You still found me as I tried to hide, and I fell in love with you despite my efforts not to love you. And your memories are coming back. For there to be a difference there must be a change and nothing between us has changed.”
“Malachi.”
I didn’t reply.
“Malachi, look at me.”
Sighing, I looked and she smiled though her eyes were glazed over with tears she wouldn’t let fall.
“I’m never giving up on us. No matter the odds, don’t give up either. Promise me, promise you’ll believe we’ll make it this time.”
I couldn’t make that promise because I didn’t have that belief. I just wanted to enjoy these moments. Our final moments.
“Promise me,” she said again, and when I didn’t say anything she got up and kneeled in front of me. Her cool hand touched my face. “Promise me, Malachi.”
“I promise.”
“Again.” She placed her forehead on mine.
“I promise,” I said as I set the sketchpad down beside me.
“One more time, for luck and so it’s not a double negative.”
Chuckling I put my arm around her back and pulled her until she was in my lap. I nodded. “I promise…I swear on the most precious thing you’ve ever given me, I believe it.”
Her arms wrapped around my neck and with her nose barely touching mine she said, “I knew you were in pain. I even thought you were in love with someone else, and yet I still fell in love with you. I love you, Malachi Lord. Pain or no pain, past or no past, knowing or not knowing, I still love you. I want you.”
“You’re crazy,” I laughed.
She pouted and before she could say anything, I confessed what I’d wanted to tell her the moment I took her hand at the museum. “Esther Noëlle, I don’t love you just because I have always loved you. I love you because I fell in love with you—”
She kissed me before I could get another word out and I helplessly kissed her back. Nothing…There was nothing else to do except love the woman I loved.