Even though it took me forever to fall asleep, I woke to my grandma yelling from downstairs again. And again, I opened one eye to Michael Jackson and half a smile. The scent of breakfast once again reminding me someone else was preparing my food.

“Coming,” I called, stretching. And then the nerves started again. I had to go back to high school.

That day started about the same way as the first day I’d wokenas high school student. I stepped over dirty clothes, dressed in another new outfit I thought was hideous; I broke two cigarettes right out of my gram’s hand, and then I went to school. With Johnny. I remembered that, too.

I’m not sure where my grams was the first time around, but this time she was outback, trying to smoke where I wouldn’t take it away from her. I sat at the table eating my breakfast,savoring every single second of whatever this was. I’d just been thinking about my friend Leigh, and how happy I was to get to spend this time with her, again...And then the phone rang.

I answered it with a smile, happy to hold that old yellow phone in my hand again. “Hello.”

“Why don’t you tell the whole school why we’re fighting?”

“What?” I questioned, my smile instantly transforming to a frown.

“Jan told Wendy you said we were fighting because you wouldn’t give me a handjob. Jan told David.”

Shaking my head, I shrugged one shoulder like it wasn’t a big deal this time around. “Leigh has a big mouth.”

“You told Leigh too? That’s not even why I was mad.”

Searching my memory from another time, I argued that it was. “Um, yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not. I was mad because you promised we’d do stuff, and then you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I doubt if I ever will.”

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just, I think I want to ride solo this time around. Let’s just be friends.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now? Everyone loves us together. Your friends love us together. You know we have a really good chance at king and queen, don’t you? You’re going to blow it. I said I was sorry, but that doesn’t give you the right to tell the whole school.”

“I told Leigh. God, this really is high school. I’ll see you at school.”

Untangling myself from the long cord, I realized I either had to catch the bus or take my gram’s station wagon. At that moment, I remembered how much I hated that car. Once when Johnny was sick and couldn’t come after me, I drove it,left it in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, and walked two blocks so no one would see me. My mom showed up and bought me toys when I was little, and makeup and clothes when I was older, but she never showed up with a car. My grandma couldn’t afford to buy me one.

“Are you going to be early again tonight?”

Turning to my grams, I wondered what early meant. “Early?”

“Yes, are you doing something with your friends after practice?”

“Oh, I doubt it. I’ll be home after practice. Can I take the car today?”

“Why? Isn’t Johnny picking you up?”

“No, I don’t think I’m going to see Johnny anymore.”

My grams raised her eyebrows and spoke in a high pitched tone. The way she’d always done when she didn’t agree with my decisions. “You sure you want to do that? He seems like a real nice boy, he’s got a nice car, and he’s cute.”

“Grams, there’s more to life than good looks and Camaro’s.”

“Yes, but it takes money to buy a Camaro. He comes from a good family, and I’m sure his parents are teaching him how to earn a good living. You are a senior, and we all have to grow up. I thought you liked him and that car. You did Saturday.”

“Saturday?”

“Yes, just a few days ago when you were so excited to be riding to school with Johnny Dixon in his new Camaro. Remember?”

“Yes, yes, I do remember that,” I said, recalling how excited I was that Johnny Dixon asked me to go out with him and I’d be riding to school in his new car. “I would rather drive the gram mobile,” I admitted, assuming this was one of those times that knowing now what I knew then was in my favor. I didn’t really want to do what society thought I should do this time around. Even though I had no idea who the hell I was right now, I knew I wanted to be me. Whoever that was.

“Suit yourself. You wearing that?”

Frowning down at my Pac-man tee, I glanced back up. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I can’t keep up with your forever changing fashions.”

“Well, I hate pleats.”

“Why’d you buy them then?”

Shaking my head, I took the unlit cigarette from my gram’s hand and snapped it in two. “I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t thinking about what I would look like in a yearbook thirty years from now. I’ll see you later. I love you, Gram.”

“Stop doing that! If you break one more cigarette, I’m gonna bend you over my knee. Those things cost a lot of money.”

“I’m not going to stop doing that until you stop smoking them. Thank you for breakfast.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Smiling, I grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter and kept my opinions to myself. I’d had plenty of time to feel bad for the hell I’d put my grams through the first time around. I loved her more than anyone on the planet, and I had walked all over her. I wouldn’t have won any awards for respect, that’s for damn sure. Back then I felt entitled, that it was her job to make sure I had clean clothes and money for the movies and all the things I wanted to do with my friends, even if she didn’t have it.

I drove the old wagon out of the holler, feeling proud to be behind the wheel of that car. It was a good old car, older than dirt, with a gazillion miles. But it never let us down, and when it did, someone from my gram’s church would be right there to fix it. Because I did know how this story went the first time, I felt an immense surgeof guilt.

Wondering what would have made me act that way, I listened to Johnny’s tape. All love songs about wanting to know what love is and me being his inspiration. It seemed so silly now. Those exact same songs were the songs I would listen to while I sat on my bed with my Mickey Mouse phone and talked to him for hours about absolutely nothing. The funniest part though was how in love with him I thought I was back then. It wasn’t him I was in love with. It was his house, his car, his popularity, and if I had to admit it, I would say his money had a lot to do with it. Johnny would never let me pay for anything, and I needed him for that. It’s different when you know how the story is going to end though. I didn’t want to waste my whole year of high school on him.

Pulling into the parking lot, I looked for a spot in the sophomore section to keep from being the butt of everyone’s jokes. Nervously, I walked toward my friends with a forced smile.

“Hey, guys.”

“Um, are you wearing pajamas?”

“No, but go to Walmart in thirty-years. You’ll see plenty of that,” I said, laughing louder than I meant to. Noticing I was the only one who thought it was funny, I instantly stopped. “What? It’s hot out, and I’m just going to get all sweaty at practice anyway.”

Trying to recover, I watched Leigh get out of her car and walk toward us. I used her as my scapegoat and turned the focus to her instead of my not so funny remark about the future. I guess it was one of those things where you had to be there. “What the heck? Why would you repeat what I told you in private?” I scolded right in front of the other girls. Feeling the déjà vu from the last time this happened, I realized I hadn’t called her out on it before. I also realized how angry I was at her for it back then, but I never told her or anyone else. Instead, I sulked in silence until I got over it.

“What? I only told Jan.”

“Well, it was a shitty thing to do. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs. That’s what friends do.”

“Damn, girl. Calm down. Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Wait, why are you telling Leigh but not Jan and me in the first place?” Wendy questioned with her hand on her hip.

“Maybe I would have, but big mouth Leigh didn’t give me a chance,” I countered with a death glare to Leigh.

Leigh tilted her head and grinned at me. “You know I would take a nerf bullet for you, right?”

“Yes, and that’s why I’m forgiving you.”

Leigh dropped an arm over my shoulder and we all headed toward the ringing bell. “Are you wearing pajamas?”

“Totally,” I joked. They weren't really pajamas. They were sweats I rolled up to just below my knees. Maybe the eighties weren’t quite ready for the future me just yet.

My day went okay considering the crazy facts: I learned I was still smart, and I was amazed at how much more I had been able to retain back then. Now I couldn’t even remember what I walked into the kitchen for, let alone how to solve linear equations. Just like always though, I figured it out, I just didn’t know why. Because of experience, I knew I wouldn’t be doing that in my future. Ever.

Everything I said seemed to come out wrong, and so I found myself doing what I had done a lot back then -nothing. Wendy and Jan drove me crazy wanting me to give Johnny another chance, but there was no way to get them to understand. To them, I was ruining my reputation. To me, I was okay with that.

The second day of school meant I had to dress for gym. Unfortunately, my physical education years consisted of an ugly jumpsuit that hugged mybody and zipped up the front. The guys got to wear shorts and tee shirts, but we were forced to wear these things that looked like they came out of a forties swimsuit catalogue. As much as I dreaded putting that thing on, it wasn’t as bad as it had beenthe first time around. Mainly because I was in love with my body. I didn’t look half as bad as I had thought. I looked good, and the jumpsuit was actually very comfortable. Still ugly as sin, but comfortable.

Walking out to the gym with Leigh, I laughed at her buzzing down the hall with her arms out. We did look like bumble bees with tight green pants, and whoever thought green and yellow stripes were a good idea was crazy. We were repulsive.

“Oh shit, I forgot about this,” I said as we entered the gymnasium. At the beginning of every year, we did this thing with the guys where we were paired with a guy and put through a vigorous competition. At the beginning of every month, for the rest of the year, we would come together and do it all overagain. I have no idea why. It was the stupidest thing in the world, and none of us ever beat the boys. We weren’t even supposed to be able to beat the boys.

“Yeah, this ought to be fun for you and Johnny. You should kick his ass.”

My feet stopped dead as I remembered the rest of it. Johnny had gotten his dad to pair us up. “Gah!”

“Gah? Did you just say, ‘gah’?”

With a long deep breath, I forced my feet to move. I should have wished to go back to being seven. This was just great, I thought sarcastically, and I would get to look forward to it every single month.

Just like I remembered, we were paired with the guys, and I got Johnny. The only difference this time was nobody would be telling us to stop hanging on each other. There would be no hanging going on this time. As remembered, Johnny and I were paired, starting somewhere in the middle. Trying to ignore him as much as I could, I looked up the line, watching the first guy and girl competition. It lasted about two minutes. Penny Walls was more of a prep than Wendy, and she wanted nothing to do with doing more pushups than Thomas Throckmorton.

“I could give you a lift home if you want.”

“Oh, I drove. Thanks.”

“Come on, Jess. Don’t be like that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Johnny. Really, it is.”

“It’s fine? Like you forgive me and you’re not breaking up with me?”

I heard him, but my attention was suddenly rivetedto something else. All the girls whogave up. None of them were even trying to beat the boys because it wasn’t acceptable. “I’m going to kick your ass this time,” I said from out of nowhere.

“What? What do you mean? You are breaking up with me? I don’t know what’s gotten into you the last couple days.”

“Thirty years got between us. That’s what. I mean, I am still breaking up with you, but don’t even worry about that, Johnny. None of this even matters. You know why? Because we didn’t make it matter. I’m going to make it matter this time.”

“What?”

“Never mind. You’re going to be the first guy at Honaker High to get beat by a girl.”

Johnny snorted, smirking with his fingers waving me toward him. “Please. Bring it, bitch.”

I bit my tongue when he called me a bitch. The last time I’d done this, I didn’t even try. Not even a little bit, but this time I would. As long as I was stuck in high school, I was going to make itmy number one priority. To beat Johnny in the progress competition.

Right before I jumped up to the bar to start the challenge,I turned to look at Johnny and gave him a snide smirk. It was a bar where you had to hold a chin-up for the longest. As soon as the whistle blew, we both jumped to the bar, only this time I didn’t let go. I’d always had strong upper body strength,even when I was a little kid. This wasn’t hard for me at all, and I would have never let Royal beat me on purpose. What happened to that girl? That’s what I thought about while the line split down the middle, the girls going to my side and the guys going to Johnny’s. Coach Dixon was screaming at his son, daring him to let me win while the girls cheered me on, all chanting my name, “Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess.”

Johnny dropped first, but he beat me in the next one by doing one more pull-up than me. I killed him on the tires, and he beat me to the other end of them gym andback, but it didn’t even matter. My endurance was through the roof. I was barely even winded. I beat Johnny on the last match by ringing the bell at the top of a thirty-foot rope. Even though he was three ahead of me, I knew now I could take that win too. And as long as I was still there come the first of the month, I would. It was what happened afterward that really changed history though. Every girl from that point on tried their best. Even Leigh and I was her number one cheerleader.

Wendy wasn’t so happy with the situation. All the girls in her class had heard about my ‘stunt’ as she called it, and now they were all trying to beat the boys. She didn’t want to beat David, she liked him being the man, and she liked him taking care of her. I didn’t even try. There was no way to make a seventeen-yearold who knew everything stop with thesilly stereotype. It didn’t make any of us better because of it. It made us weak and dependent. I’d already done it that way once, and I raised a teenager to be the same way. It just took me traveling back in time to figure itout.

The next day I did something else that just about gave my grams a heart attack. Another day I remembered that I didn’t care to repeat again. While we took a drink break during basketball practice, coach talked to us about a scrimmage game coming up. It was that game I blew out my knee, but I kept it to myself. I endured the pain for a whole season, icing it down and taking pills for the pain. All because of a chance at a scholarship I never got. As much as I loved the sport, I realized it wasn’t my life, and I didn’t love it enough to go through all thepain again.

My grams was surprised to see me home so early again and stated her concern. “You’re still pouting overJohnny? Where’re your friends? This is the third day in a row you’re home by seven. You're messing up my routine here.”

I dropped my books onthe kitchen table and hugged my grams. “Hey, Grams. Something smells amazing.”

“Why you always hugging me now? Stop that. You’re scaring me.”

“Because I love you, and there isn’t anyone in this county I would rather spend my time with. Here, I bought you something today with my pepperoni roll money.”

My grams took the little brown bag from my hand and peeked inside. “Why?”

I took the cigarette she was just about to light from her hand, reached into the bag, and traded her for a dum-dum sucker. “It’ll help you with the habit part. I got all grape because you always choose grape taffy.”

“Jessie Darla Fenton. I’m not gonna stop smoking.”

“Yes, you are. What’s for dinner? It smells amazing.”

Grams ripped the sucker right out of my hand, opened it, and stuck it in her mouth. “I’m the adult here. You can’t tell me what to do. I made potato pot pies. They’re just about ready.”

“Mmmm, I haven’t had potato pot pies sin--since the last time you made them,” I said, catching myself before I said something that made her want to put me in a straight jacket.

While my grams hummed and cleaned up the kitchen, I smiled and opened my history book. I may have given my grams a real hard time during those years, but one thing she could never hold against me, and my number one weapon to use against her, was my study habits. I was naturally smart, and I’d always been one of those kids who did my homework. Not because I had someone breathing down my neck either. My grams was lucky to be able to add and subtract. She hadn’t been able to help me since the fourth grade. My mom sure as hell didn’t care. I doubt if she ever asked me if I had homework, but she did brag about how smart I was to everyone she knew. I’m pretty sure that was to make herself look good more than being proud of me.

“Gram?” I said, my pen dropping to my notebook.

She pulled the sucker from her mouth and turned to look at me. “Hmmm.”

“I’m not going to play basketball anymore.”

“What do you mean? Yes, you most certainly are. You need that, Jessie. College isn’t cheap. You have to get a scholarship.”

“Trust me. I’ll manage. There’re more ways to get a scholarship than basketball. I’ll Google it later.”

“You’ll what it?”

Recovering from the term she wouldn’t understand, I explained to her from an eighties perspective, “Oh, it means like, I’ll do some investigating. I’ll talk to the guidance counselor tomorrow.”

“Google about it. Huh, I like that one. Way better than totally. I’d be okay if you never said that again.”

“Totally,” I joked.

“Are you sure about this? I feel like something is going on with you. You love basketball.”

“Yeah, but I started playing basketball in third grade. I think I’m okay without it. Besides, I don’t want my knee to hurt anymore. It’s not worth it.”

“You hurt your knee? Do you want me to call the doctor? I’ll get you some ice.”

“No, Gram. It’s fine. I just don’t want to mess myself up over a three pointer. I really think I’m going to sit out this year.”

“Coach Dixon will have a heart attack.”

“Eh, he’ll get over it. Guess what Idid today.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“You know how we have to compete with the same boy for the entire year in gym class? I’m with Johnny. I beat him in everything but three things. I’m going to kick his ass next month.”

My grams just stared at me like I had two heads. “Why? Guys don’t like to be beaten by girls, Jess. You’ll never find a decent guy that way. Men don’t like women who beat them,theiregos can’t handle it.”

“That’s a horrible lesson to teach a teenage girl, Grams.”

“Well it’s the truth. It’s the way it is. It’s the way it’s been for as long as anyone can remember, and you’re not going to change itby trying to prove something to Johnny. Just kiss and make up already.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything to Johnny, Grams. Just myself.”