Chapter Three
10 Hantar
Cederic hasn’t let me sit up until now. He was so adamant he actually set Sovrin to watch me on the grounds that Audryn is preoccupied and Sovrin is more ruthless even than he is. I’ve barely been allowed to get up to relieve myself, that’s how ruthless she is. I’m afraid I’ve pushed him too far. He was so angry, and he’s barely spoken to me since I returned. Granted, I was unconscious for most of the time, it’s still…I don’t want him to hate me. I did the right thing and I knew what the price would be and I don’t regret it. He’ll understand that eventually.
I have to write this all down because my memory is fuzzy, and writing helps me put it all in order. I think—no, I know I slept before Jeddan came back, and it was a real sleep and not unconsciousness. But Jeddan let me sleep while he tended to Terrael and only woke me up when Terrael was dressed and had eaten something, though it was only watery gruel, the only thing he could manage to choke down. As starved-looking as he was, it was probably better we didn’t try to feed him anything more solid. He woke long enough to recognize me and say my name, and I asked him—I don’t know why I did this—if he knew his own name, which he did, so he wasn’t that far gone. Then he was unconscious again.
“I don’t think we’ll have any trouble getting out,” Jeddan said. “I liked your idea of you leaving first, then going visible so they’d be watching you while I bring him out through the gate.”
“Good, because I was afraid you’d think it was too risky,” I said. “But we have to get him to the camp as quickly as possible. I think he—he’s not doing well. I wish they had someone who knows healing kathanas, but all the ones who did lost their magic, and it’s not something Cederic can do alone.”
“We can get a wagon somewhere, a light one with a couple of horses,” Jeddan said. “We might be able to make twenty-five miles in a day.”
“That’s not much faster than the Army is going,” I said. “I was thinking…maybe there’s another way.”
Jeddan is very smart. He was only puzzled for a couple of seconds before he said, “There’s no way you can carry him while you flit, Sesskia. Even if you could carry another person, which you can’t, he’s got seven inches on you and is still heavier than you even in this state.”
“I can carry anything I can lift,” I said, “and if I can lift him, I can carry him.”
“Which you can’t, as I think I just pointed out,” Jeddan said.
“I can if you strap him to my back,” I said.
“Let me do it,” Jeddan said. “He’s less than a full load for me.”
“You,” I said, poking him in the sternum, “can barely flit five hundred yards at a time. It will take you forever to reach the Army. I can do it in a day and a half. Less.”
“You’re still injured,” he said.
“Terrael’s going to die if we don’t get him to the surgeon,” I said. “This will hurt me, yes, but it’s not going to kill me, and if he dies because I didn’t at least try to get him help—I can’t do that, Jeddan. This is the only way.”
He grimaced. “It’s not the only way,” he said, “but it’s the logical way. All right. What do we need?”
It took us most of the rest of the day to find something we could use as a harness, during which time I became increasingly nervous. Suppose I couldn’t do it? Suppose I exhausted myself somewhere along the road, and it took too long? I still wasn’t feeling very well and I was aware there was a chance I could seriously injure myself. But I kept coming back to how bad Terrael looked, and the thought of him dying—Audryn’s face if I had to tell her I’d let him die—it swept away all those worries.
It was after dark by the time we were ready to go. We stuck with the original plan to start. I went out ahead of Jeddan and Terrael, dropped the concealment pouvra and began dancing and shouting and waving to get the guards’ attention. I couldn’t do a lot of dancing, because my back hurt and I didn’t want to exhaust myself before the real journey began, but they were definitely headed my way when I saw Jeddan and Terrael emerge through the wall and then disappear.
With my eyes watering from trying to see through the concealment pouvra, I worked it myself and enjoyed the guards’ consternation as I “vanished” right in front of them. Then I just walked away down the road until I couldn’t see Venetry’s gate anymore, sat on the cold, snowy ground, and waited for the dizziness to pass and Jeddan and Terrael to arrive.
Shortly I heard a heavily-laden person approaching. Jeddan laid Terrael down carefully, but he was unconscious again and didn’t make any sounds of pain. “This is not going to be easy,” he told me, rolling his shoulders to get the kinks out. “Even balanced on your back, he’s going to be heavy. And you’ll have trouble getting him up again after your rest times.”
I didn’t tell him I didn’t plan on there being very many rest times, nor on putting Terrael down when there were. My thought was I would get it over with quickly, push myself as hard as I could, and plan on resting when we were both safe. It was probably a bad idea, but since we’re both alive, I refuse to feel guilty about it.
(This is not true. I feel horribly guilty at injuring myself and taking that risk when I promised Cederic I wouldn’t. No wonder he’s angry at me. I hope he’ll eventually speak to me again.)
So all I said was, “I know what the risks are. I’ve thought it through. You just do what you can to keep up.”
“I was thinking I’d try to find the other mages,” he said. “Then send Jerussa on ahead to let the Army know where we are.”
“All right,” I said. “Help me get him up.”
I was so grateful Terrael was unconscious for this part, much as his condition frightened me. I can’t imagine how painful it would have been for him to be handled so roughly as we did in getting him settled on my back. My not-yet-healed wound twinged, and I had a moment’s fear I would tear it open again (which ultimately turned out to be true) but I pushed that away and focused on balancing his weight. “All right,” I said. “See you in a few days,” and then I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and flitted as far as I could.
It was painful when I was escaping Venetry with my back sliced open. This was ten times worse. I nearly fainted when I landed three miles down the road and had to bend over, carefully so as not to unbalance, and breathe heavily until the world stopped spinning. Then I did it again. The second time was better because I knew what to expect, and eventually I could flit almost as quickly as I usually did, though I needed to rest for a full minute between flits instead of a few seconds.
Then it was two minutes.
Then it was several.
Eventually I realized I had to stop for a longer rest or pass out, so I found a spot under a tree and settled myself. This took a lot of Terrael’s weight off me, and it felt so good by comparison I felt I could sleep, so I napped. I couldn’t fall fully asleep—I wasn’t that comfortable—but it refreshed me somewhat.
Near sunrise, I woke out of my latest nap to hear something croaking in my ear. I turned my head, and Terrael said, “Sesskia,” in a low, painfully hoarse voice.
“You’re awake,” I said.
He brought one nail-less hand up to grip my shoulder, lightly. “…one of us…is bleeding…” he said. It took him almost a minute to get it all out.
“It’s probably me,” I said. “The God-Empress’s soldiers tried to carve me up. I’m not fully healed yet.”
“…why…carrying me…hurts you…” he said.
I wasn’t going to tell him how serious I thought his condition was. “I’m taking us both back to the Army, where the surgeon can fix us,” I said. “I can carry you that far.”
“…Audryn…” he said.
“She’s fine. The baby’s fine. She’s been worried,” I said.
He was silent for a moment, then he said, “Thank you.”
“You’re my friend,” I said. “I’m sorry it took so long.”
He nodded, then his head slumped, and for a few seconds I was terrified I was now carrying a corpse, but I could feel his very slow breathing on my neck. I dug into the pack strapped to my chest and got out an apple, thinking as I chewed that this wasn’t going to get any easier, and if Terrael was right that I was bleeding, I didn’t have a lot of time before I wouldn’t be able to go on at all.
Even so, it was so hard to make myself stand, sending more pain shooting through my back as I got under Terrael’s weight. I felt the wetness spreading, though it was seeping rather than flowing freely. Then I told myself to ignore the pain and made my first flit.
I don’t remember much of that second journey. I stopped once long enough to eat something else, not that I remember what, and every three or four flits I checked to make sure Terrael was still alive. He never did regain consciousness, thank the true God, and I never lost consciousness even though there were times I really wanted to.
It was full night again when the camp came into view, and I was so dizzy and fuddled I thought I’d gotten turned around, and the lights of the camp were stars, and I was looking down on the sky instead of up at it. Then I made one last flit and ended up among several anonymous tents, and I was so tired I just sank to the ground and waited for someone to notice us. They did, right away, and someone took Terrael off my back, and someone else lifted me, and that person turned into Cederic, and that’s when I fell asleep.
I woke up two days later, back in my not-beloved wagon warmed by several dozen th’an, and it’s been nice to rest. Though it would be nicer if Cederic were here. I’m so afraid, because he hasn’t come to see me except once, I’ve done something he can’t forgive me for. Even that one time he was so distant and angry. I feel like I’ve broken faith with him even though there really wasn’t anything else I could do, not and remain myself.
He’ll come back. I know he will.
11 Hantar
Feeling much better. Sovrin’s an excellent companion. She’s been telling me jokes and stories about our Balaenics learning to speak Castaviran, with all the attendant misunderstandings. She’s traveled quite a lot, or did before the Castaviran army set out from Colosse, and says the Balaenic villages she’s visited have been mostly welcoming, though nobody, Balaenic or Castaviran, seems to believe it’s possible to create a new government that will bring the two countries together instead of one conquering the other.
The Castavirans mostly like the idea of a new Emperor or Empress, whoever that might turn out to be, but most of them are afraid of God’s wrath if they make the wrong choice. Hmmm. Maybe that means Cederic, as Kilios and most high priest, is a better choice than a purely secular leader.
The Balaenics are divided between wanting the King to rule both countries and wanting the government to pass to one of the other noble houses, though they don’t seem to have any consensus as to which one. Convincing them Cederic
He hasn’t come. I haven’t seen him in two days. He must be so angry with me. I can’t even cry about it because Sovrin will want to know what’s wrong, and I don’t want people to know my marriage is falling apart practically before it’s begun. I should have known I would make a mess of it.
12 Hantar
We’re nearing Colosse—should be there tomorrow afternoon. No Cederic. I wonder if I ought to leave the camp so we don’t have to encounter each other, not that it matters because he’s doing such a good job of avoiding me. Not that I have anywhere to go.
No idea where Jeddan and the mages are. They should have been here today. This army isn’t small, and I don’t know how they can miss us, so in addition to my personal misery I’m knotted up inside with worry over them. I think unhappiness is worse when you can remember what it’s like to be happy. Even with Sovrin here I feel incredibly alone.
13 Hantar, noon
I’m so glad I didn’t leave. It was all a huge misunderstanding. He’s spent every night in this wagon by my side, but he comes to bed so late and rises so early I had no idea he was even there. They—Cederic and his aides and the Balaenic generals—have been busy planning what will happen when this foreign army comes thundering down on Colosse, so to speak, and he thought I was sleeping most of the day and wouldn’t care if he were there or not. But something woke me before dawn today, and I rolled over and let out a shriek when I saw him because I was so surprised, which of course woke him. Then I burst into tears and he had to hold me until I calmed down enough to tell him, still tearfully, what I’d been thinking for the past several days.
He apologized, and kissed me, and admitted he’d been angry when I arrived back at camp because I was nearly in as bad a shape as Terrael, but he was just as angry with himself as he was with me. Once he’d reminded himself that we’d both decided this was the best course of action, he was able to let go of the anger and move on to worry.
“And I am nearly resigned to the knowledge that I will likely have cause to worry for you many, many times during our life together,” he said. “Thank you for bringing Master Peressten back to us. He will recover, though I think some of his injuries will always bother him.”
“I’m glad. I was afraid he wouldn’t survive the journey,” I said. “Was I right in taking that risk, flitting back with him?”
“You were,” he said, but his arms tightened around me. “His injuries would have killed him soon. Another reason I find it difficult to be angry with your choice.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I never want to hurt you, you know.”
“I know. But I think hurting each other unintentionally is part of marriage,” he said, “ as is apologizing afterward, and making things right,” and he kissed me again. This time it was the kind of kiss that leads to other kinds of contact. It took me a while to remember I was injured, and despite the canvas cover, we were in an open wagon, and Cederic’s new office meant he had to maintain his dignity, not possible if he were caught making love with his wife in the back of said wagon.
“Soon,” I said, giving him a little push, “and in a real bed, please.” He smiled.
“If all goes well, we will sleep in a real bed tonight, though not in the palace,” he said. “It will require much repair to be habitable again.”
“So what will happen when we arrive?” I said.
“The Balaenic Army will make camp outside, and we—you will attend, as Empress-Consort—” I made a face, and he laughed—“yes, your first appearance in a public role, love, because it is essential we make it clear this is to be a united country, Castaviran and Balaenic both on the Imperial throne. We, and General Tarallan and a few of his officers, and some of the Sais, will go out under flag of parley and request the presence of the rulers of the Castaviran Empire for a meeting. I will explain the situation and my reasons for accepting the Imperial crown, at which point the four former candidates for the role will begin arguing. I will allow them to argue themselves out, at which point I will convince them I am right.”
“You seem awfully certain of that last thing,” I said.
“I will not know what to say until I have heard their arguments, and understand what it is they want,” he said, “and whether or not I can give it to them. A point in our favor is I am certain none of those candidates want the responsibility that comes with the Imperial crown. Granted, neither do I, but I understand better than they do what that responsibility is. I think, if they are guaranteed power in a new government, they will be willing to accept me as Emperor.”
“Or they’ll support the God-Empress and try to kill us both,” I said.
“One of the things I love about you is your endless optimism,” he said, and I laughed and kissed him.
“I believe in planning for the worst,” I said. “What will I have to do, exactly?”
“Possibly nothing except be a visible reminder of what we are trying to accomplish,” he said. “Each of those four candidates is more interested in maintaining Castaviran superiority than in bringing two countries together. They were not happy about the idea of handing our throne over to a foreign king. Now that it is again possible a Castaviran will sit on that throne, they may forget our decision and once more argue their own legitimacy. Your presence will make it difficult for them to do so. Though they may also want to know what qualifies you to be the Empress-Consort besides being married to me.”
“That will be a hard question for me to answer,” I said, “given that I’m not sure there is anything else.”
“You represent a growing power in Balaen,” he said, “you are, to our knowledge, the most powerful mage of your country, you have traveled extensively through Balaen without establishing ties to any one place and therefore will not privilege one area over another, and you have risked your life to defend Balaen against Renatha Torenz. Those are all reasons they will respond to.”
“I should make notes,” I said.
“I think your prodigious memory will make that unnecessary,” he said, disentangling himself from me in preparation for rising. I made a noise of protest, and he took my hand and squeezed it gently.
“I have neglected you for far too long,” he said, “and there is nothing left to do but wait until we reach Colosse in a few hours. I intend to pass the word that I will be with my wife this morning, and am not to be disturbed for anything short of Renatha Torenz’s army appearing on the horizon. And then I will bring us both breakfast, and we will talk of everything except the coming conflict.”
So we did. I feel so much lighter than when I was carrying around the fear that he didn’t love me anymore, even if I am still nervous about the upcoming meeting. Cederic has gone to arrange everything—the flag of parley to go first, then the rest of us to follow as soon as it’s been acknowledged.
Cederic wanted me to ride my own horse—this is apparently tradition, even when going on foot makes more sense—but I flatly refused, and he decided I was right that it would look bad for the Empress-Consort to be dumped on her ass on the way in to parley. So I’ll ride with him, which makes me as happy as it’s possible to be when I’m on one of those animals, and we’ll see what happens. I think I’ve mentioned that’s my least favorite kind of plan.