CHAPTER NINE

“YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE evening…you arranged this because you intended to ask me to marry you?” Robin asked, pressing the tips of her fingers to her trembling lips. Despite her fears a gentle gladness suffused in her heart.

“Surely it isn’t that much of a surprise?” he murmured. “I’ve never made an effort to hide the way I feel about you or how much I enjoy Jeff.”

Contrary to what Cole might think, his proposal did come as a surprise. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

“A simple yes would suit me,” Cole urged warmly.

“But…Oh, Cole, it would be so easy to marry you, so easy to link my life and Jeff’s to yours and never look back, but I don’t know if it would be right for us or for you. There’s so much to consider, so many factors to weigh in a decision this important. I’d like nothing better than to say yes, but I just can’t do it.”

“Are you asking for time?” Cole’s eyes seemed to penetrate hers, even in the dark.

“Please.” For now, that seemed the simplest thing to say, although her hesitation was based on something much deeper. Cole had found a peace within himself since meeting her and Jeff; he’d told her so that very afternoon. She was tempted to say yes, to turn away from her doubts and agree to marry him. Cole had been so good for Jeff, so wonderful to her.

“I hate to disappoint you,” she murmured, sadness weighing down her voice.

“I know exactly what you’re thinking, exactly how you’re feeling.”

“You do?” Somehow she doubted it. But knowing she couldn’t delay it any longer, she jumped in with both feet. “I was…just thinking about what you told me this afternoon. How you’d recently dealt with the loss of Janice and Bobby. While you were talking, I couldn’t help feeling your exhilaration. You’ve obviously found a newborn sense of freedom. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if this rebirth you’ve experienced is what prompted the idea of marrying again.”

“No,” he said flatly. “Falling in love with you did.”

“Oh, Cole,” she whispered. “It must seem like fate to have Jeff and me move in next door, and it gets more complicated with Jeff being the same age as Bobby….”

“Maybe it does all appear too convenient, but if I was just looking for a woman and a child, then Heather Lawrence would have filled the bill. It’s you I fell in love with.”

“But how can you be so sure?” she countered quickly. “We barely know each other.”

Cole smiled at her doubts. “The first time we kissed was enough to convince me I was going to love you. It was the Friday night after I returned from Seattle, remember?”

Robin nodded, wincing a little.

“I was so stunned by the powerful effect that kiss had on me that I avoided you for an entire week afterward. If you want the truth, I was terrified. You’ll have to remember, up until that time I was convinced I was incapable of ever falling in love again. One kiss and I felt jolted to the core. You hit me hard, Robin, right between the eyes, and I needed time to step back and analyse what was happening. That’s the reason I don’t have any qualms now about giving you however long you need to sort out what you’re feeling. I want you to be very sure.”

Robin released a pent-up sigh and her shoulders heaved. Cole folded her in his arms and his chin brushed against the crown of her head while his hands roved in wide circles across her back. The action was soothing and gentle. She was beginning to feel more confident in his love, but she had to be careful. She wanted him to love her, because she was so much in love with him.

Cole tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her face to his. As their eyes met, he slanted his mouth over hers in a wildly possessive kiss, a kiss filled with undisguised need.

When he broke away, Robin was trembling. She buried her face in his neck and drew several deep breaths.

“If you’re going to take some time to think about things,” Cole whispered against her hair, “then I wanted to give you something more to think about.”

* * *

“HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE to check those figures on—” Angela began, then stopped abruptly, waving her hand in front of Robin’s face.

“A chance to check what figures?” Robin asked, making a determined effort to focus. She knew she’d been behaving like a sleepwalker most of the morning, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Cole’s marriage proposal.

“What’s with you today?” Angela demanded. “Every time I look over here, I find you staring into space with this perplexed expression on your face.”

“I was…just thinking,” Robin muttered.

“About what?”

“Nothing,” Robin insisted.

“Come on, girl, you know better than that. You can’t fool me.” Angela leaned her hip against the edge of Robin’s desk and crossed her arms, taking her usual aggressive stance. “I’ve known you far too long, and from everything you haven’t said, I’d guess your handsome neighbour’s involved. What’s he done now?”

“Cole? What makes you ask anything so ridiculous?”

Angela frowned, shaking her head slowly. Then she stretched out her hands and made a come-hither motion. “Tell Mama everything,” she intoned. “You might as well get it over with and tell me now, because you know that sooner or later I’m going to drag it out of you. I always do. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t extract your deepest darkest secrets?”

“He took me to dinner,” Robin admitted, knowing that Angela was right. Sooner or later, she’d wheedle it out of her.

“Where’d he take you?”

She shrugged, wanting to keep that to herself. “It was outside the city.”

“Where outside the city?” Angela pressed.

“Heavens, I don’t know. Somewhere along the coast on Highway 101.”

Angela uncrossed her arms and started pacing in front of Robin’s desk. “It wasn’t the Cliffhouse, was it?”

“I…I think it might have been,” Robin murmured, concentrating on the task in front of her. The one she should have finished several hours earlier, but hadn’t. The one she couldn’t seem to focus on, even now.

“Aha!” Angela cried, pointing her index finger toward the ceiling, like the detective in a comic spoof.

“What?” Robin cried.

“If Cole took you to the Cliffhouse, he did it for a reason.”

“Of course he did. The food was fabulous. By the way, you were right about Frank, he’s exceptionally nice,” Robin said hurriedly, in an effort to interrupt her friend’s line of thought before she inadvertently stumbled on the reason for Robin’s pensive mood.

“You already told me what you think of Frank, remember?” Angela muttered, tapping her finger against her lips. “Cole took you to dinner at the Cliffhouse,” she repeated slowly, as though reviewing a vital clue in a puzzling murder mystery.

“To be honest, I think his choice of restaurant had something to do with Frank,” Robin inserted, tossing her sleuth friend a red herring.

“So Cole was jealous?”

“Not exactly,” Robin said, leaning back in her chair. “Well, maybe a little,” she amended, knowing Angela would never believe her if she denied it completely. “I mean, Cole did invite me to dinner as soon as he learned I was dining with Frank, so I guess you could say he was a little jealous. But not much. Cole’s not the jealous type—he told me that himself.”

“I see.” Angela was frowning as she walked back to her desk. Her look remained thoughtful for the rest of the morning, though she didn’t question Robin again. But when they left for lunch, she showed a renewed interest in the subject of Cole.

“How’s Jeff?” she began as they stood in line in the employees’ cafeteria.

“Fine,” Robin said as she reached for a plastic tray.

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What more do you want to know?”

“I ask about Jeff once a week or so, then sit back and listen for the next fifteen minutes while you tell me about the latest craziness he’s led you into,” Angela said heatedly. “It never fails. You’ve told me about him running away with a frying pan and an atlas. You’ve bragged about what a fabulous pitcher he’s turning out to be, and you list a multitude of details about every game he’s played. After you tell me all about his athletic ability, you generally mention how good he is with animals and all the tricks he’s taught Blackie in the past week or so.

“Today I innocently ask how Jeff is, and what do I get? Fine. All right, Robin, tell me what happened with Cole Camden before I go loony trying to figure it out.”

“It’s something I need to figure out myself,” Robin insisted. She paused to study the salads before selecting a mound of cottage cheese and setting it on her tray.

“What are you doing now?” Angela cried, throwing her arms in the air. “You hate cottage cheese. You never eat it unless you’re upset about something and looking for ways to punish yourself.” She lifted the small bowl from Robin’s tray and replaced it with a fresh fruit salad, shaking her head the entire time.

The problem with Angela was that she knew Robin all too well.

They progressed a little farther down the line. Robin stood in front of the entrées, but before she chose one, she glanced at her friend. “You want to pick one out for me here, too?” she asked drily.

“Yes, I do, before you end up requesting liver and onions.”

Angela picked the lasagne, thick with melted cheese and spicy Italian sauce. “If you’re looking for ways to punish yourself, girl, there are tastier methods.”

Despite her thoughtful mood, Robin found herself smiling.

Once they’d paid for their lunches, Angela led her to a window table that offered a certain amount of privacy. Robin busied herself arranging her dishes on the table and set the tray aside.

Angela sat directly across from her, elbows braced on either side of her lunch. “Are you sure there isn’t anything more you’d care to tell me?”

“About what?”

“About you and Cole. I can’t remember the last time I saw you like this. It’s as if you’re trapped in some kind of maze and can’t find your way out.”

The description was so apt that Robin felt a tingling sensation along her spine. She did feel hopelessly lost. Her mind was cluttered, her emotions confused. She had one foot in the present, one foot in the past, and didn’t know which way to turn.

“I talked to Frank on Sunday afternoon,” Angela continued, dipping her fork into a crisp green salad. “He said he enjoyed the evening you spent with him, too, but doubted you’d be seeing each other again because it was obvious to him you were in love with Cole Camden. In fact, Frank said you talked about little else the entire evening.”

“He said all that, did he?”

Angela nodded. “He’s right, isn’t he? You are in love with Cole, aren’t you?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Angela persisted. “It’s written all over you. You’ve got that glazed look and you walk around in a trance, practically bumping into walls.”

“You make it sound like I need an ambulance.”

“Or a doctor,” Angela whispered, leaning across the table as far as possible. “Or maybe a lawyer…That’s it!” she said loud enough to attract the attention of several people at nearby tables. “Cole took you to bed, and now you’re so confused you don’t know what to do. I told you I’d stumble on the answer sooner or later.” Her eyes flashed triumphantly.

“That’s not it,” Robin declared, half rising from the table in hot denial. She could feel the colour crowding into her cheeks as she glanced around the cafeteria. When she sat back down, she covered her face with both hands. “If you must know, Cole asked me to marry him.”

A moment of shocked silence followed before Angela shrieked with pure delight. “That’s fabulous! Wonderful! Good grief, woman, what’s wrong with you? You should be in seventh heaven. It isn’t every day a handsome, wealthy, wonderful man extends a proposal of marriage. I hope to high heaven you leapt at the chance.” She hesitated, growing suddenly still. “Robin? You did tell him you’d marry him, didn’t you?”

Robin swallowed and slowly shook her head. “No. I asked him for some time to think things through.”

“Think things through?” Angela squealed. “What is there to think through? He’s rich. He’s handsome. He’s in love with you and crazy about Jeff. What more could you possibly want from the man?”

Tears brimmed in Robin’s eyes as she looked up to meet her friend’s avid gaze. “I think he’s more in love with the idea of having a family than he’s interested in me.”

* * *

“IS COLE COMING?” Jeff asked, working the stiffness out of his baseball mitt by slamming his fist into the middle of it several times.

“I don’t know,” Robin said, glancing toward their neighbour’s house as they walked to the car. “I haven’t talked to him in the last few days.”

“I noticed. You’re not mad at him, are you?”

“Of course not,” Robin said, sliding into the driver’s seat of her compact. “We’ve both been busy.”

Jeff fingered the bill of his baseball cap, then secured the cap to his head. “I saw him yesterday and told him about the game, and he said he might come. I hope he does.”

Secretly Robin hoped Cole would be there, too. Over the past five days, she’d discovered she missed not talking to him. She hadn’t come to any decision, but he hadn’t pressed her to make one, willing to offer her all the time she needed. Robin hadn’t realised how accustomed she’d grown to his presence. How much she needed to see him and talk to him. Exchange smiles and glances. Touch him…

When she was married to Lonny, they were two people very much in love, two people who’d linked their lives to form one whole. But Lonny had been taken from her, and for a long time afterwards Robin had stumbled through life with a huge part of her missing.

All week she’d swayed back and forth over Cole’s proposal, wondering if she should ignore her doubts. Wondering if she could ignore them. Sleepless nights hadn’t yielded the answer. Neither had long solitary walks in Balboa Park while Jeff practiced with his baseball team.

“Cole said—” Jeff started to say, then stopped abruptly as his hands flew to his head. A panicky look broke out on his face and he stared at Robin.

“What’s wrong? Did you forget something?”

“My lucky hat!” Jeff cried. “It’s on my dresser. We have to go back.”

“For a baseball cap?” Robin didn’t bother to disguise how silly she considered that idea. “You’re wearing a baseball cap. What’s wrong with that one?”

“It won’t work. You have to understand, Mom, it’s my lucky hat. Not an ordinary one. I’ve been wearing it every since we played our first game. I had that very same hat when I hit my first two home runs. I can’t play without it,” he explained frantically. “We have to go back. Hurry, or we’ll be late for the game. Turn here,” he cried, pointing at the closest intersection.

“Jeff,” she said, hoping to reason with her son. “It isn’t the hat that makes you play well.”

“I knew you were going to say something like that,” he muttered, “and deep down I know it’s probably true, but I want to be on the safe side, just in case. We’ve got to go back and get that hat!”

Knowing it would only waste valuable time and effort to argue, Robin did as he requested. After all, his entire career as a major-league pitcher hung in the balance!

She was smiling as she entered her driveway. Sitting in the car while Jeff ran inside for his lucky cap, Robin glanced over at Cole’s place. His car was gone. It had been since early that morning, and she suspected he was at the property, working on his house. Jeff would be disappointed about Cole missing his game, but he’d understand.

Jeff came barrelling out of the house, slamming the front door. He leapt into the car and fastened his seat belt. “Come on, Mom,” he said anxiously, “let’s get this show on the road.” As if she’d caused the delay, Robin thought to herself, amused by her son’s sudden impatience.

By the time they arrived at Balboa Park, the car park was filled to overflowing. Robin was fortunate enough to find a space on the street, a minor miracle in itself. Perhaps there was something to this magic-cap business after all.

Jeff ran across the grass, hurrying toward his teammates, leaving Robin to fend for herself, which was fine. He had his precious cap and was content.

The bleachers were crowded with parents. Robin found a seat close to the top and had just settled into place when she saw Cole making his way towards her. Her heart did an immediate flip-flop before righting itself. It wasn’t until he sat next to her that she found her tongue.

“I thought you were working up on the property this weekend.”

“And miss seeing Jeff pitch? Wild horses couldn’t have kept me away.” He was smiling at her with that cocky heart-stopping smile of his.

“How have you been?” she asked, unable to keep her eyes off him. He looked too good to be true, and his dark gaze was filled with warmth and tenderness. How could she help getting lost in eyes that generous? It seemed impossible to fight him any longer.

“I’ve missed you like crazy,” he whispered, and the humour seemed to drain out of him as his eyes searched hers. “I didn’t think it was possible to feel this alone. Not any more.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

He seemed to relax once she’d said that. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “Have you been thinking about what I said last weekend?”

She lowered her head. “I haven’t thought of anything else.”

“Then you’ve made up your mind?”

“No.” She kept her face lowered, not wanting him to read her confusion.

He tilted her chin with one finger, forcing her to meet his eyes. “I promised myself I wouldn’t ask you and then I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I won’t again.”

She offered him a weak smile, and Cole looked around him, clearly wanting to kiss her, but not in front of such a large gathering. The funny part was, Robin didn’t care about being seen. She was so hungry for the reassurance of his touch that it didn’t matter to her that they were in the middle of a crowded park.

“I see Jeff’s wearing his lucky hat,” Cole said, clasping her hand and giving her fingers a comforting squeeze.

“You know all about that?”

“Of course. Jeff tells me everything.”

“He panicked when he realised he was wearing the wrong one, and I had to make a U-turn in the middle of the street because he’d left the guaranteed-to-pitch-well baseball cap on his dresser.”

“You can’t blame him. The luck has lasted through five games now.”

“I wonder if it’ll last until he reaches the pros,” Robin said, sharing a smile with him.

“You’re doing all right?” Cole asked unexpectedly.

She nodded, although it wasn’t entirely true. Now that she was with Cole, every doubt she’d struggled with all week vanished like fog under an afternoon sun. Only when they were apart was she forced to confront her fears.

“After Jeff’s finished here, let’s do something together,” Cole suggested. “The three of us.”

She nodded, unable to refuse him anything.

“Come to think of it, didn’t I promise Jeff lunch? I seem to recall making a rash pledge to buy him fish-and-chips because we were leaving him with Heather and Kelly Lawrence when we went to dinner last week.”

Robin grinned. “It seems to me he said something about that.”

They went to a cheerful little fish-and-chip restaurant down by the Wharf. The weather had been chilly all morning, but the sun was out in full force by early afternoon. Jeff was excited about his team’s latest win and attributed it all to the luck brought to them by his cap.

After a leisurely lunch, the three of them strolled along the busy waterfront. Robin bought a loaf of fresh sourdough bread and a small bouquet of spring flowers. Jeff found a plastic snake he couldn’t bear to live without and paid for it with his allowance.

“Just wait till Jimmy Wallach sees this!” he crowed.

“I’m more curious to see how Kelly Lawrence reacts,” Robin said.

“Oh, Kelly likes snakes,” Jeff told them cheerfully. “Jimmy was over one day and I thought I’d scare Kelly with a live garden snake, but it was Jimmy who started screaming. Kelly said snakes were just one of God’s creatures and there was nothing to be afraid of. Isn’t it just like a girl to get religious about a snake?”

Jeff raced down the sidewalk while Cole and Robin stood at the end of the pier.

“You look tired,” Cole said, as his fingers gently touched her forehead, brushing back the thick curls.

“I’m fine,” she insisted, gazing out at the cool green waters of San Francisco Bay. But Cole was right; she hadn’t been sleeping well.

“I see so much of myself in you,” Cole said softly.

His words surprised her. “How’s that?”

“The pain mostly. How many years has Lonny been dead?”

“Ten. In some ways I’m still grieving for him.” She couldn’t be less than honest with Cole.

“You’re not sure if you can love another man, are you? At least not with the same intensity that you loved Jeff’s father.”

“That’s not it at all. I…I just don’t know if I can stop loving him.”

Cole went very still. “I never intended to take Lonny away from you or Jeff. He’s a part of your past, an important part. Being married to Lonny, giving birth to Jeff, contributed to making you what you are.” He paused, and they both remained silent.

“Bobby had been buried for six years before I had the courage to face the future. I hung on to my grief, carried it with me everywhere I went, dragging it like a heavy piece of luggage I couldn’t travel without.”

“I’m not that way about Lonny,” she countered, ready to argue, not heatedly or vehemently, but logically, because what he was saying simply wasn’t true. She grieved for her dead husband, felt his absence, but she hadn’t allowed this sense of loss to destroy her life.

“Perhaps you aren’t grieving as intensely as you once were,” Cole amended. “But I wonder, really wonder, if you honestly have laid your husband to rest.”

“Of course I have,” she answered with a gentle nod of her head, not wanting to talk about Lonny.

“I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic,” Cole said, his tone compassionate. “I understand, believe me I do. Emotional pain is familiar territory for us both. It seems to me that sustaining this kind of grief is like pitching a tent in the barren soil and lingering there, afraid of what lies just beyond.”

“You’re exaggerating, Cole.”

“Maybe,” he agreed. “You’re a lovely woman, Robin. Witty. Intelligent. Outgoing. I’m sure one of the first questions anyone asks you is how long it’s been since your husband died. And I’ll bet when you tell them, they seem surprised.”

That was true, and Robin wondered how Cole had guessed.

“Most young widows remarry.”

“Are you suggesting that because I didn’t immediately find my way back into matrimonial bliss I’m a candidate for therapy? Come on, Cole, even you must realize how ridiculous that is.”

“Even me?” he asked, chuckling.

Jeff came racing toward them, his face flushed with excitement. “They’re filming a movie,” he cried, pointing toward a congested area farther down the pier. “There’s cameras and actors and everything. Can I go watch some more?”

Robin nodded. “Just don’t get in anyone’s way. Understand?”

Jeff nodded. “I won’t. Promise. Here, Mom, hold my snake.” He entrusted her with his precious package before racing back down the pier.

“He’s a fine boy, Robin.”

“He loves you already. You and Blackie.”

“And what about his mother?”

The knot in her throat thickened. “She loves you, too.”

Cole grinned. “She just isn’t sure if she can let go of her dead husband to take on a live one. Am I right?”

His words hit their mark. “I don’t know,” she admitted finally. “Maybe it’s because I’m so afraid you want to marry me because Jeff reminds you of Bobby. Or because you’ve created a fantasy wife and think I’ll fit the role.”

Her words seemed to shock him. “No. You’ve got that all wrong. Jeff is a wonderful plus in this relationship, but it’s you I fell in love with. It’s you I want to grow old with. You, and you alone, not some ideal. If you want to know the truth, I think you’re stirring up all this turmoil because you’re afraid of ever marrying again. The little world you’ve made is tidy and safe. But is this what Lonny would have wanted for you?” He gripped her firmly by the shoulders. “If Lonny were standing beside you right now, and you could ask him about marrying me, what would he say?”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you could seek Lonny’s advice, what would he tell you? Would he say, ‘Robin, look at this guy. He’s in love with you. He thinks the world of Jeff, and he’s ready to embark on a new life. This is an opportunity too good for you to pass up. Don’t be a fool. Marry him.’?”

“That sounds like something my friend Angela would say.”

“I think I’m going to like this friend of yours just as long as she doesn’t try to set you up with another one of her divorced cousins,” Cole said, laughing. His eyes grew warm as he gazed at her, and she suspected he was longing to take her in his arms and kiss her doubts away. But he didn’t. Instead, he looked over his shoulder and sighed. “I think I’ll go check and see what Jeff’s up to. I’ll leave you to yourself for a few minutes. I don’t mean to pressure you, but I do want you to think about what I said.”

“You aren’t pressuring me,” she whispered, staring out over the water.

Cole left her then, and her hands gripped the steel railing as she raised her eyes to the sky. “Oh, Lonny,” she whispered. “What should I do?”