Buffalo, NY 1994
“Is that Niagara Falls?” I ask Jori excitedly, gripping his arm. I can see the huge wonder looming in the distance, and I can’t stop the young girl who’s so amazed by the sight coming to the surface.
“Yep,” he replies with a grin. He checks the side-view mirror, then exits the highway, driving another thirty minutes down the road until he can pull over.
“Come on,” he says, getting out of the car.
Before I have a chance to push my door open, he’s by my side of the car, pulling it open for me and making a grand, sweeping gesture with his arm. I giggle and step out, holding my meerkat stuffed animal to my chest, and taking his hand with the other.
Jori leads the way toward a massive bridge that sits directly in front of the Falls, and we stop to read the plaque at the entrance.
“I thought the Rainbow Bridge was for dead pets?” I ask him in confusion.
“That’s a different one, Red. Come on, let’s take a walk over to Canada, shall we?” he says, reaching into his pocket with his free hand. We head toward the fare collector and pay the seventy-five cents a piece to cross. The collector advises us that we can walk to Canada, but can’t enter without a passport because if they let us in, we wouldn’t be able to cross back over.
We both nod, and Jori looks at me a little dejectedly, but I just shrug indifferently and it seems to perk him back up. It’s nighttime now, and the bridge is lit up brightly, making the majesty of the Falls even grander than they would more than likely be in the daytime.
“I guess it depends on the person at the booth,” he says to me with a sheepish grin. “I’ve walked across the border before and back again.”
“When?” I ask him curiously, as we step onto the bridge and begin our little trek toward the Canadian border.
“Um, remember that time that I was gone for like, a week? After I got into it with Millie a couple of years ago? Well, I decided I couldn’t take any more of her shit. She ended up slapping me and because I knew if I hit her back I wouldn’t let up until I killed her miserable ass, I grabbed her keys and took off in the car,” he explains with a shrug. Suddenly, Jori stops walking and looks down at me nervously. “I mean, I know I shouldn’t be complaining about my home life to you, but I only do it ‘cause you’re the one person who listens to me, you know?”
I roll my eyes and smile. “I’m not some fragile kid, Jori. If I haven’t broken yet over what happened, don’t expect it to happen anytime soon. Besides, I like that you’re able to talk to me and tell me things; it makes me feel special.”
Jori’s face softens as he pulls me to one side of the bridge and looks down into my eyes.
“You are special, Red. When are you gonna realize that?” he asks softly.
I shrug again and turn away from him. I’m close to tears, and I hate it. I hate that every time he tries to make me understand that I’m worth more than the “dirty girl” I was made to believe I was, it feels like a lie. He’s my best friend, though, and I try my best to believe him, even when I feel like I can’t.
Be strong, just like Daddy.
"Hey, so what did you do while you were across the border?” I ask, wiping away a stray tear and clearing my throat. I bring myself up on my tiptoes and lean over the railing to get a glimpse of the water below us.
Jori crosses his arms on the railing next to me and shifts uncomfortably. I glance over at him and knit my eyebrows expectantly, but he’s too busy scuffing his sneakers against the stone walkway to notice.
“Jori?” I ask with a nervous laugh. “What did you do over there?”
A million and one thoughts are running through my mind, but only one scenario sticks out the most. I remember the one time we were in school and I saw him in the hallway talking to the most popular girl in the entire building—Ashley, I think her name was. They looked so cozy together, him leaning one hand against the locker and her holding her books to her chest, gingerly running a hand down the inside of his jacket, that it made me feel sick and sad at the same time.
I didn’t speak to him for weeks after that, and I made it a point to avoid him as much as I could. Whenever he would come over, I would have Uncle Jake turn him away. It made him angry and depressed, and it took him sitting me down and explaining to me that the reason he looked so comfortable with her was because he wanted to be sure he had her attention.
Ashley was something of a mean girl when it came to me. She always had a snide remark or two about what Hoyt had done, that I was such a loser Uncle Jake was forced to take me instead of being given an option.
I hated her, and Jori knew it, but I could never shake how happy they looked that day, talking to each other, and I wouldn’t put it past her to have sweet talked him into a trip to Canada to make it up to him for being so rotten with me.
“Ashley?” I ask him quietly.
“What?” he asks in complete horror. “What the fuck made you even think of that slag?”
I shrug and turn my body toward him. He sighs deeply and sees in my eyes that I’m worried there was more to that little meeting than I was led to believe.
“You know the reason I got kicked out of school was because of that, right? She tried to put the moves on me after I blew her off, and she told the guidance counselor that I threatened her,” he recounts with a shrug. “But she left you alone, so whatever.”
Jori shudders as he looks up at the night sky. “God, Red. I can’t believe you would actually think that.”
“Sorry,” I reply softly.
He shrugs again and turns his eyes toward me. “Alright. I have to tell you something, but you have to promise that you won’t ask me any questions and you won’t be pissed at me. I’ll tell you more about it when you’re older, but things are still fresh, and I don’t want to open those wounds back up again so soon, okay?”
“Okay,” I reply curiously.
He takes in a deep breath and lets it out in a rush. I watch Jori as he rubs the back of his neck and glances up and down the bridge to make sure no one is in earshot before he begins to talk.
“I … um.” He clears his throat and scuffs his sneakers against the stone again, stealing a glance at me. “I was there when it happened. I mean, I saw what happened—it was a total accident. I heard the arguing when I was up in my tree house, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay, you know? Uh … you weren’t there, though. Hoyt told me he had sent you to Jake’s that night before Doreen got home, and that he needed my help hiding some shit. I took a box from him and ran back home because I didn’t want to see Doreen’s body. I don’t think I’d ever be able to shake something like that from my mind. Anyway,” he says, coughing one time, “I took that box and snuck back into my little man cave and stuck that shit into a hole in the wall and bricked it up. I had actually forgotten about it for a few years until you started bringing him up again, and that’s when I went back to get it and came up here.”
My mouth is dry. I feel like I’ve been chewing on a mouthful of cotton, and that the only person in the world who still gives a shit about me is nothing more than someone else who’s been stuck with me instead of actually wanting me around.
I take a ragged breath, turn around, and toss the meerkat over the railing. The look of confusion on Jori’s face is mixed with shock and a bit of pain as I turn from him and run back across the bridge.
“Red! GRACIE!” he yells out, as he attempts to catch up to me.
I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know how far my legs will take me, but I refuse to be the used, dirty little girl who’s a burden and unworthy of being truly wanted.