I sigh as I pull my legs underneath myself in the chair. I don’t know if I should tell Jori that Hoyt called while he was gone, because I don’t know how he’ll react. He’ll probably wonder how he knew where we were staying to begin with, but that’s a little bit of information I slipped to Officer Davis the last time I was up at the prison. I told him that if Hoyt felt the need to talk, he could call me here and I’d gladly reimburse the hotel for the charges.
I shouldn’t keep it a secret, because Hoyt told me he wants to see the both of us. He begged for just one more visit before it’s all said and done, which leads me to believe he’s got his date now.
It’s been a day or two since I’ve been up to see him, and I think our visits have been doing more harm than good. When he sees me, he sees his failures instead of all the wonderful moments we’ had before Doreen died.
I’m not the saving grace I thought I would be—I’m the damnable grace that’s pushed him to want to die faster than he should.
And for what? There’s no sin he’s committed that needs atoning for. Was he a great father? No, but he damn sure tried his best, and I can forgive him for the nights I spent alone with Doreen. I can forgive him for all the things Jake did to me, and the hatred Millie poured all over me like molten lava; what I can’t forgive him for is dying with a final secret I know is just on the tip of his tongue.
The door to the bathroom opens and I glance over to find Jori standing in the doorway, one hand propped up on the door frame, eyeing me with a look of concern and confusion.
“Can I ask you something?” he says quietly.
I start chewing on my thumbnail and nod. Now is not the time for riddles or candor, but I can that something is bothering the fuck out of him. It’s just up to him if he wants to really say what it is.
“Alright,” he says, running a hand back through his damp hair. He shifts uncomfortably, securing the towel around his waist, before he crosses his arms and looks at me with serious eyes. “Do you think your life would be better with Hoyt? Instead of with me, I mean.”
I let out a sigh as I drop my hand onto my leg and shake my head. ‘I don’t know. I was never given the chance to try you both on for size, you know?”
He looks away for a moment as he nods, but then turns his eyes back to me because he knows there’s more I need to say on this matter.
“If you want me to be honest, I would have liked the chance to get to know Hoyt more than I do. I would have loved to have had a happy, normal family life, but that wasn’t in the cards for me—for either of us. What I have now, with you, makes up for every night I didn’t get tucked into bed by Hoyt. It makes up for every scraped knee he didn’t get to kiss, and it makes up for all the love I was never able to experience with him. I won’t choose, Jori. I’ll never be able to do that truthfully, because I just don’t know.”
He clears his throat and runs a hand over his face. It’s not the answer he wanted—it was the truth, and the truth fucking sucks.
He walks over to me and crouches next to my chair, resting a hand on my thigh.
“If you want more time with Hoyt, I can give it to you. I just need to know,” he says softly, a sad smile adorning his face.
I let out a chuckle. “Hoyt Blackburn doesn’t have any time left, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it.”
“But what if there was? Something we could do about it?” he presses quietly.
I turn my eyes toward him. He looks so lost right now and it reminds me of when I sprung him from the mental facility. I smile sadly and shake my head. “I love my father. I know that sounds insane with all the shit that’s gone on, but it’s the truth. I’ve also learned to live without him; you, I’ve had by my side through every scraped knee, every foul touch, and every tear I felt would drown me in my sleep. I can’t live without you, Jori.”
His lower lip begins to tremble and his eyes water dangerously. “Red, I have to tell you something.”
“Hoyt called while you were gone,” I say, cutting him off. “He wants to see us tomorrow night, and I told him we’d be there.”
Jori pulls his hand away from my leg, stands up, and with a heavy sigh, nods. He knows as much as I do that this means it’s the end of the line for Hoyt Blackburn, but I wonder if his sigh is sorrow for the father he never knew, or the man he helped condemn.
Jori Davidson doesn’t have any more secrets he can hide from me. Hoyt told me everything on the phone call, but what neither of them were aware of was that I already knew the truth. I played the part of the shocked daughter when he told me, and I think I did my job well.
“Go take care of the trunk problem after you get dressed, please. The last thing we need to take to a maximum security prison is another dead relative when they’re planning on handing us one soon, anyway,” I say to him quietly before he walks into the bathroom and closes the door.
Pushing the curtain aside again, I look out into the sky and wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I hate to think it, but I can only hope I’m making the right choice in letting Hoyt die for a crime he didn’t commit.