I Blame Noah

Although his recommendation alongside the dramatic rescue pictures would be hard for anyone to beat, I can’t ring Alan as he’s entering these awards too. Maybe I should just check that he still is before completely dismissing the idea.

I don’t get as far as asking him.

‘So glad you called,’ he yells down the line as if we’re the best of friends.

‘I wanted to invite you to a bit of a gathering at my place. Charlie too, and of course any plus-ones but not your mum if you can avoid it. After the last time she was here...’

I imagine that was Amanda’s instruction and giggle to myself. I can’t think of a reason to decline quickly enough, so end up accepting. I wish my partner in crime was at home. If she weren’t gallivanting around on a cruise ship...

I don’t want to turn up alone, so call Zoe to see if she wants to go together.

‘I’m taking someone, Mum,’ she practically blushes down the line.

Blimey, everyone is going in two by two: Charlie is with Peter and Josie is with Matt. So I call Caroline. Fortunately, she is curious to meet the evil home-breaker I’ve told her about so agrees to come along. You can bet he’ll be on the charm offensive the whole night.

Of course, I need to look stunning and yet casual at the same time. I need to look successful and desirable yet unattainable.

‘... and it can’t look as if I’ve made any effort,’ I tell the personal shopper helping me achieve this impossible yet much-sought-after standard. I’ve come to the conclusion that only the fabulously wealthy ever achieve it.

Amanda has gone for the same effect and we greet eachother in matching ‘simple yet flattering’ silk blouses with one piece of statement jewellery. We glance knowingly at each other.

I half expect the room to stop and stare at me when I walk in, all whispering, ‘What’s she doing here?’ but they don’t. I’m introduced to a couple of people as the woman who saved Alan’s life rather than his ex-wife, which I guess makes it easier on everyone and explains my invitation. I look round at their lifestyle: the apartment is tasteful, the seafood canapés delicious and the wine chilled; just what I expected. Perhaps I should sneak a photo or two for Patty.

Zoe walks in and I’m surprised to see the man she’s with is considerably older than her. She looks so happy, unlike Alan who cannot hide the glower when he’s introduced.

‘Classic Father Figure substitution,’ says Caroline as she watches the scene and reads everyone’s mind.

I nudge my way through the room to give her a big hug and shake his hand warmly. James heads up a local firm of architects and they’ve been dating for a couple of months now. They want to talk to me about booking somewhere nice for his fortieth birthday next year. It’s a good job Patty isn’t here: a forty-year-old is her definition of a toy boy.

There are a few people here I know, couples who knew Alan through work and sided with him on the divorce. We talk about the new business, exchange other pleasantries and promise to keep in touch now that ‘the dust has settled’. Yeah, right, you weren’t there when I needed you; there’ll be no mates-rates for you.

I’m not watching where I’m going and manage to headbutt a very solid torso. I know who it is before I even look up.

‘Ed, how are you?’ We air kiss.

‘I heard you’d been invited,’ he says. ‘Do you two get on now?’

‘Well, I didn’t kill him when I got the chance.’

I laugh but it sounds far more sinister than I’d intended, so I remind him about the whole heart-attack episode. It dawns on him that I’m kidding.

‘I’d probably put Sherlock Holmes on that case,’ he smiles, referring to our joint love of detective novels.

‘I’d never get away with it, then,’ I laugh.

Despite his innocent faux pas and our disastrous night together, he’s a nice guy. I’m about to ask to come back to the book club when Alan gets everyone’s attention by clinking his glass.

‘Everyone, could I have your attention for a moment,’ he says.

The guests turn towards him.

‘I wanted to have this little party to celebrate life. As many of you know, hell I think the whole country knows, I had a little heart incident this summer.’

A ripple starts around the room. Boy is he milking this.

‘And it made me realise how lucky I am, a beautiful daughter, great friends.’ He points his glass at me and I nod in response.

‘And a wonderful partner,’ he continues. ‘Scares like that make you realise that you may not see tomorrow so make the most of today.’

He pulls Amanda towards him and kisses her passionately; OK so I’m at the back of the room but I am here. This feels weird.

‘In fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to do right now.’

Oh no; surely not – in front of me?

He gets down on one knee and grabbing a napkin ring holds it up to Amanda. Everyone gasps, Charlie and Peter move to either side of me and hold me between them.

‘Darling, will you marry me?’ asks Alan.

I don’t hear the response as my knees give way and the guys rush me out to the balcony.

‘He didn’t warn you that he was going to do that?’ asks Charlie and I shake my head, which is still attached to my body so didn’t explode with incredulity after all.

‘It was obviously an impulsive move,’ says Peter. ‘People don’t think these things through enough. That’s why there’s so much divorce.’

He checks himself.

‘Sorry Angie, I just meant that I think you have to be sure,’ he continues and I can see Charlie’s relief at not having acted on impulse on the trip.

We head back into the lounge where Alan is standing between Amanda and Zoe for photographs while James stands to the side. It’s one of those new family photographs that I dreaded seeing at the beginning. This will adorn the shelves of their house and will eventually be joined by a wedding photograph and, Lord help us, surely not a christening one? Is Amanda young enough?

‘Earth calling Mars.’ Charlie is waving his hand in front of my face, trying to change the subject. ‘James – what do we think?’

I shake myself from the daydream. Technically, Zoe and Amanda could have babies at the same time. Alan would celebrate his sixtieth with a four-year-old in tow, rather him than me.

‘I need to go home,’ I say.

I make my goodbyes, relieved to see that Caroline is talking to Ed so I’m not abandoning her. Charlie and Peter leave with me.

‘He seems nice,’ I answer getting back to the conversation as soon as we’re in fresh air. ‘A lot older than her, but seems nice. I just hope that there isn’t an older wife left behind at his house and that Zoe isn’t a trophy girlfriend.’

‘How ironic would that be,’ adds Charlie and then mouths ‘sorry’.

‘Don’t worry,’ says Peter, ‘there’s no wife at home, I know him. He’s a workaholic, never had time for relationships before. In fact, I’m surprised to see him prised away from his drawing board now.’

‘That’ll suit Zoe,’ I reply, ‘but how on earth did they meet?’

‘A networking event,’ continues Peter, ‘and if you two want to win that award, it wouldn’t do you any harm to go to one.’

Maybe so, but my next social engagement will be with my daughter to find out everything I can about the man who seems to be making her smile again. I took a picture of them both on my phone as we left the party and if I want to find out everything then I’ll need an accomplice. I’m sure that my mother will be only too delighted to turn Chief Inquisitor once again.