Sophie was the first one to wake up on Sunday morning. She padded downstairs into the wide, airy kitchen, enjoying the coolness of the flagstoned floor beneath her feet, and automatically reached for the kettle. It wasn’t surprising that she was the first one up. None of the others had a toddler at home who thought 7 a.m. was a lie-in.
She walked to the French doors and looked out over the small, pretty back garden. She could already feel the warmth from the sun and smiled to herself. She loved the summer, with all the happiness it seemed to bring. She pictured the scene at home, as Steve fed Emma her breakfast, before taking her into their postage-stamp-sized garden to feed the birds. As she did so, she could feel an unmistakable ache inside to hold her baby girl and bury her head in her cloud of silky, messy golden hair, inhaling the scent of soap and sleep from her warm head. It was a newish sensation and one that she welcomed.
‘Typical that it’s the mums who are up first!’ Emily came into the kitchen and joined Sophie at the French doors.
Sophie smiled. ‘I know! Who’s got Jack this weekend?’
‘Mum and Dad. He loves going there.’
Sophie nodded, suddenly feeling immensely grateful that she had Steve and thinking for the millionth time how hard it must be for Emily to be a single mum.
‘So Amy’s pregnant then?’
Sophie started in surprise. ‘Oh! You clocked it then? I wasn’t sure if you had.’
‘Impossible not to.’
The kettle flicked off. Sophie walked over to it and threw teabags into two mugs. ‘Are you OK, Em? It’s just… well, yesterday. It got a bit heated there with Melissa for a minute. You were pretty tough on her.’
Emily shrugged. ‘I know, but she makes me so cross. There I am, struggling to bring up Jack on my own with hardly any money and she’s just so… irresponsible. It pisses me off. And she is using way too much coke – maybe you should speak to her, Soph? She listens to you.’
Sophie bristled, her instinctive protectiveness towards Melissa rearing up. ‘I have. She insists she only does it occasionally. She works in the record industry, Em, they all do it.’
Emily shrugged irritably. ‘Supposedly everyone in TV does it too, Soph, but I don’t see you nipping off to the loo during lunch to do a line.’
Sophie bit her lip. She had wondered if anyone else noticed Melissa excusing herself yesterday and returning to the table with a telltale persistent sniff.
‘She might be able to kid herself that she hasn’t got a problem but she can’t kid me,’ Emily muttered, almost to herself.
Sophie couldn’t think how to reply, so she said nothing. She finished making the tea and rejoined Emily at the French doors. As always, she felt huge and ungainly beside her. Even without a scrap of make-up and wearing her pyjamas, Emily still managed to look effortlessly beautiful. Her huge dark eyes were framed with even darker lashes and combined with her olive skin and high cheekbones to give her an exotic, other-worldly appearance. Her bare arms were smooth and toned in a way that Sophie knew no amount of press-ups on her part would ever achieve for herself.
Yet again she wondered why Emily had remained single. Yes, she had a child, which might put off some men, but with her beauty, there was bound to be a queue of others who didn’t mind.
Maybe she gave off the wrong signals, Sophie mused, as they sipped their tea in a companionable silence. Steve had often commented that he thought she was a bit stand-offish and cold and it was true that there was always a sense with Emily that she was holding back. She had known her for over ten years now and yet she had never seen her really let herself go. When the others got blind drunk, Emily always knew when to stop drinking and switch to water. She never blabbed anything in a moment of indiscretion or got involved in bitching sessions. There was an apartness about her which meant that, although Sophie loved her dearly, she had never felt as though she actually really knew her.
‘Only we know what Amy’s got ahead of her…’ Sophie looked at Emily and grinned conspiratorially.
‘Hmm. Except that I imagine Amy will have an easier time than both of us did. You know what she’s like – she glides through life without a hitch. Her pregnancy will probably be much the same and no doubt her baby will sleep all night, every night from the start. And even if it doesn’t, she won’t have to worry – I’m sure they’ll have maternity nurses to do those horrendous night feeds!’
Sophie nodded. ‘Would you change it, though, Em? I mean, if you could go back and do it all again? Would you do it differently?’
‘I wouldn’t change having Jack, obviously.’ As ever, Emily’s words were chosen carefully. ‘But would I change the circumstances of his birth? Yes.’
It was the most blunt Sophie had ever heard Emily be and she raised an eyebrow in surprise.
‘How about you?’ Emily prompted, deftly turning the conversation away from herself.
‘Yes, same.’ Sophie almost wanted to laugh at how much neither of them was saying.
‘But why? Weren’t you both over the moon when you found out you were pregnant?’ Emily looked steadfastly ahead as she spoke. Sophie wasn’t sure but she wondered if she could detect a note of bitterness in her voice.
‘Steve was thrilled. I… well, I guess I was in shock. And then after Emma was born, I found it really hard to bond with her. Were you like that with Jack?’
Emily considered for a minute before speaking. ‘No. I wasn’t. But I can see how it can happen.’
The corrosive swirl of guilt that had slowly but surely been eating away at Sophie since she’d first realized she was pregnant intensified and took another bite at her insides. Even Emily, who had no partner on the scene to help her out, no one to share all those incredible ‘firsts’ with, even Emily hadn’t struggled to bond with her baby. Just Sophie, who had only herself to blame for what had happened. She felt like the worst mother in the world.
They lapsed into another silence and sipped their tea, both deep in thought.
Finally, Emily cleared her throat. ‘So… what shall we do today then?’
Before Sophie could answer, Melissa appeared in the kitchen doorway. ‘I need coffee!’ she intoned, as she slumped dramatically into a chair. They had eaten at home last night, with Amy doing the cooking as usual. She had thrown together a chicken-and-chorizo dish, followed by home-made tarte au citron without breaking a sweat. Sophie had watched in quiet admiration as she deftly kept everyone’s glasses topped up, while drinking only water herself.
Melissa had polished off two bottles of Prosecco single-handedly and was very drunk by the time she staggered off to bed. ‘God, I feel like death,’ she wailed now. She did indeed look grey and sickly.
‘I’m not surprised, the amount of booze you put away last night!’ Emily drawled, without turning away from the French doors.
‘I didn’t realize you were counting…’ Melissa shot back. Then, a little more gently, ‘Make me a coffee, will you, Em? Pretty please?’
Emily’s face softened. Such was the effect Melissa had on people. She could be exasperating one minute and utterly irresistible the next. It was impossible to stay angry with her. As Emily filled the kettle, the unmistakable sound of retching came floating down from above.
They all instinctively looked up, as if they would be able to see the source of the noise through the ceiling. Sophie caught Emily’s eye and held it for a split second.
‘It sounds like Amy caught my hangover from hell.’ Melissa leaned her elbows on the table and put her head in her trembling hands, her dark braids falling forward and masking her face completely. ‘Ugh, I think I might be following her into that bathroom.’
‘I don’t think she’s got a hangover.’ Emily’s voice definitely contained more than a hint of bitterness.
‘What? What’s wrong with her then?’ Melissa looked up quizzically.
‘She’s pregnant,’ Emily said, her voice flat.
‘Oh God, not another one!’
‘Melissa!’ Sophie spun towards her, ready with an admonishment, but Melissa continued unawares.
‘Well, you’re all at it. It’s so boring!’
‘What’s boring?’ Amy breezed into the kitchen. Her face had a slight sheen but other than that, there was no hint that she had just been violently ill.
There was an awkward beat of silence before Melissa spoke, still from underneath her curtain of braids. ‘Everyone getting pregnant.’
‘She’s joking, of course. Aren’t you, Liss?’ Sophie glared in Melissa’s direction and even though she wasn’t looking at her, Melissa must have sensed it.
‘Hmm. Course I am.’
Amy nodded uncertainly and joined the others at the table. Sophie looked from face to face, wondering how they had all become so dislocated as a group. Each of them had a secret, internal life that none of the others knew about. She wondered distractedly if they would ever recover that special bond they had once had. ‘Right,’ she said, determined to salvage what was left of their weekend together. ‘Who wants bacon and eggs? I’ll give Amy the morning off and take over as chef.’
There was a collective groan, coupled with a burst of laughter, and the bubble of tension burst. For the time being.