May 1943 - Day 523

“Are you ready?” Charlie whispered in my ear, long after I had woken up. I was used to waking up to whistles and shouts at around three in the morning. Sleeping until nearly four-thirty that day was a gift.

“Yes,” I told him.

“We have an hour until sunrise,” he said.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“For us,” he continued, but I wasn’t sure what he was planning.

He peered over to Lucie who was still fast asleep in her makeshift crib we made from blankets. “She, on the other hand, might need a bit more sleep before we wake her,” he observed.

“Oh,” I said.

Still wondering what Charlie was trying to say, he rolled to his side and soothingly stroked his finger around my ear and beneath my chin, sending a wave of chills down my warm spine. “Being with you before leaving for the war was a mistake,” he said.

I pulled my head back with surprise. I wondered how he could say a thing like that. Despite living in terror, it was one of the most amazing times of my life. “Why?”

He smiled weakly, lovingly. “Amelia, I had to relive those moments for almost an entire year, dreaming of what I could have had, what I may never have again—what I desperately wanted and needed. If I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have spent so many nights with a heavy heart.”

“I know the feeling well,” I told him.

His fingers traced down the length of my neck toward the collar of my dress. “Do you still want to be with me even though my body is maimed now?”

The question surprised me. “What do you mean? You look the same to me as when you left, Charlie.” I meant that. The superficial scars and one arm less didn’t change a thing about him or who he was.

“But my face has been torn to shreds, and my arm is missing. I’m not a full person anymore,” he explained. Each of his words chipped another piece of my steel heart away.

“Charlie, if I were left with only the memories of your life, I’d still want to be with you. You could look like a monster for all I care, and I’d still only see the beautiful man you are inside. I see what my heart sees—an amazing man.”

It wasn’t long before we quietly intertwined our bodies into a partially clothed mess of breathless whispers that would forever leave its imprint inside of me. Being with Charlie in that way wasn’t about the sensations as much as it was about the bond between us. It was a seamless line in our lives that offered us power and control in our own little world. The love we shared was warm and soul-shattering, offering awareness from within my body that I accepted Charlie, as not the enemy, but my ally, and my love. He was my safety, my shelter, and my home.

I looked intently into his eyes each time he rocked against me, seeing a type of forever I wanted more than anything. With passion firing through me, I pressed my fingertips firmly into his shoulders as I felt a release flow through my body that made me want to call out his name, so I locked my lips shut in fear of making a sound, and I gritted my teeth, feeling a quiver run through me as his body trembled against mine. I assumed it was from holding his weight above my body with one arm, but he soon unraveled and collapsed on top of me while breathing at the same pace I was. “Amelia, you are everything worth fighting for,” he said as he kissed me with a power that showed fury. One long moment of an unbreakable bond between our mouths broke into a dozen more kisses we shared between quick inhales and exhales of short breaths.

As our bodies fought for steady pulses, our dewy steam swirled together like watercolor on a canvas. Nothing could take away what we had. It would always be with us.

“You saved my life, and Lucie’s,” I told him.

“And we’re going to get out of here, make it across that border, and find a small place to live in peace where we can start our lives together without the shadow of doom hovering over us. Is that what you want?” he asked.

“That’s exactly what I want, Charlie. My dream, though—”

“What is your dream, sweetheart?”

“I want to go to the United States. Maybe New York or Massachusetts. It’s safe there, with endless opportunities that you can’t even imagine. It has always been my dream.”

Charlie smiled as he wrapped a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “That sounds like heaven,” he said. “That’s our plan, Amelia. We’re going to have it all.”

“What are we waiting for?” I said with a bit of excitement filling my voice. I was hopeful. It felt like a new beginning, even though we hadn’t made it out of the country yet, but everything was falling into place. Freedom was so close, I could almost taste it.

Charlie stood up quickly and re-dressed. I did the same, then folded up the blankets Svaya and Louis were kind enough to share with us. I lifted Lucie up carefully so she could continue sleeping, and we left the room as we found it.

On the way out, I saw a stack of notepaper next to a pen, so I wrote a short thank you to Svaya and Louis for their kindness, and wished them well. I didn’t blame them for their reaction the previous night. I was just grateful for the time they allowed us to stay.

We left the house, making sure to secure the door behind us. The glow of the rising sun was off to the right, and we headed left through the woods. The ground was covered in matted leaves, and broken sticks left over from the winter damage, which made our presence known if anyone were to be in hearing distance. Though, it was still safer to be in the woods than on the road.

We kept walking, knowing the country line was two miles from Louis and Svaya’s house, but we weren’t walking on a straight path like the road, so it seemed to take longer than it should have by the time we reached the bottom of a very steep hill. It took everything I had to make it up the next upward trek, even though Charlie was carrying Lucie.

When we reached the top, there was nothing to see but barbed wire. There was no place to cross. There was no way out. Before I could see the entire scope of land, Charlie pulled me to the ground, hiding us within the tall grass. “There’s a watch tower over the main customs area. If they see us, we won’t stand a chance.”

“What are we going to do?” I pleaded for an answer I knew he didn’t have, or at least didn’t think he had.

“We’re going through those gates,” he said. His voice was calm and sure as day. “Your name is Emille. We were on our way to visit your family in Austria, but our car broke down some ways back, and your family agreed to meet us just inside the nearby town to pick us up.”

“Charlie, do you really think that’s going to work?” I asked him.

“We just need to be curt with them and appear calm. If we don’t look like we have something to worry about, they won’t doubt our story.”

“They won’t doubt you,” I argued. “You are a soldier in uniform. I am no one.”

“You, Amelia, are the world, and shame on them if they don’t know it yet.”

I nodded my head, still not quite believing his words. After all, I looked emaciated, but I tried my best to smile a little. “Maybe if you explained that to them, they would just let us walk on through.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of that myself,” Charlie said, smiling as he pulled himself up to his feet with Lucie still snugly held within his bent arm. “Come, it’ll only take a few minutes to go down the hill and around the corner.” He placed a kiss on Lucie’s head and looked down at her with a loving look. “I’ll be her papa. I want to be that person for her.”

My heart ached with adoration as I listened to his beautiful confession. “You are incredible, Carlie Crane.”

We carefully made our way back down the steep grassy mound and headed toward the road, trying to avoid looking suspicious. I needed to convince myself that I was Emille—Charlie’s wife, and that our car broke down a couple of miles back. Lying was hard for me, but our lives depended on it. I had essentially been lying for more than a year, as I had been breaking the rules almost daily to help the other women in my barrack. I was also taking food from Charlie, which I was not supposed to have. Of course, in addition, I had snuck off and escaped too. I broke every rule in the book. What was one more lie?

My heart thudded heavily as the bordering iron gates blurred in the distance. Knowing we’d have to go through a checkpoint twice was already a hard fact to swallow, though entering Switzerland would be much easier, I had assumed—hoped.

“Charlie, how will we make it across Austria? Are we walking into another war zone?” In truth, I didn’t know where the war started and where it stopped. Information was not given to us inside of the camp. It was as if the world had stopped outside those walls, but if the war was over, would we have been left to rot there?

“There’s a train station just over the border. We’re going to get on that train. I have plenty of schillings saved up to get us to Zurich.”

He looked over at me as we continued to walk, likely seeing the nervous expression on my face. “Here,” he said. “Take Lucie for a moment.”

I took Lucie from his arm, and he reached into his pocket, pulling out a handful of schillings. “I want you to have enough just in case.”

“Just in case of what, Charlie?”

“In case you make it and I don’t,” he said pointedly. “No more questions, okay?”

We continued walking down the gravel path. While spotting the patrols in the watch tower, we noticed they were studying our every move as we came closer.

“Soldier, is everything okay?” one of the guards asked.

“Yes, yes, we had some car trouble a couple of miles back, and my wife and I are on leave to go visit her family across the border. They plan to pick us up just inside the town.” Charlie pointed off into the distance, past the gates.

I swallowed hard and squeezed Lucie tightly within my arms. The guard looked over at me and inspected my clothing with a curious look in his eyes. “Your wife looks ill,” the soldier replied.

“Oh, you know how it is in the spring time. I’ve had a terrible cold for a week, but it’s passing now. I just hope our daughter doesn’t catch it. A baby with a cold is not an enjoyable time,” I countered. I was proud of myself for the act I put on, but whether it was enough of a performance, I wasn’t sure. We were still on the wrong side of the gate.

“I see,” the guard said. “What is your name, soldier?”

“Charlie Crane,” he replied. Charlie Crane is supposed to be receiving medical attention for his arm at that moment, and yet he had just mentioned he was on leave.

“Where are you stationed?” He can’t possibly tell him the truth, or they’ll know for sure.

“I’m in transition at the moment,” Charlie said. “Due to my injury.” Charlie pointed to his shoulder.

“I suppose that’s a good time for leave,” the guard said. “Give me a moment to call in your name. What is your wife’s name?” he asked.

“Emille Crane,” Charlie replied. I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone into believing I was German, but we had to try. As the guard walked to the office beneath the tower, I began to shake. I could bet on the fact that there was no one by the name of Emille Crane. He would also find out Charlie was lying about where he was stationed. I could feel our freedom disappearing by the second. I felt death approaching. Maybe Lucie would have survived if I had just left her back at the camp. At that moment, I knew it would be my fault if she died.

The guard returned, and my throat narrowed, making it hard to swallow. My palms were wet with sweat as I pressed them against Lucie’s back, rocking her from side to side, hoping to keep us both calm. “You can go on through,” the guard said.

I wasn’t sure if my body was confused with how to react, or if all my fears just went away, but it was as if my legs walked on their own accord, nearing the gate that was slowly being pulled open by a second guard.

Charlie placed his hand softly on my back as we walked side by side toward the Austrian border. It was probably in my head, but I could smell fresher air wafting through the gate from the new country we were entering. Whether it was safer or not, I didn’t know, but it appeared better from where we were standing just a moment earlier.

“Jews don’t belong in Austria either,” the guard said, his voice deep with contempt.

I could hear my pulse beating inside of my ears, unsure if I should turn around and address the guard’s statement or if I should continue walking and ignore the insult he was offering.

“Don’t turn around, Amelia, keep walking, and then run,” Charlie said. His words were so quiet, they were softer than a whisper, but I heard him clearly. I did as he said, and with only a handful of seconds passing between the guard’s comments and the sound of a gunshot—two gunshots, I turned around, finding Charlie holding his already injured shoulder, guarding me as I continued forward. There was blood pouring out of his arm and onto the ground below him.

“Let her go.” Charlie’s words were demanding. “Or I’ll kill you.”

“You’ll kill me?” the guard questioned Charlie while laughing out loud at him.

I turned back around and looked at Charlie. He looked scared, but I saw an inner strength in him that I hadn’t seen before.

“Run, Amelia. Run as fast as you can,” Charlie shouted once more. I did as he said, but my body was in so much pain, I didn’t know if I’d make it.

“Amelia, do it for me. Go as far as you can go. Go on, Amelia. I’ll find you. I promise. I love you.”

He was hurt. I should have gone back for him, but when I turned around, I watched as the guard dragged him off toward the tower. I had to protect Lucie too, and if I went back, they would have killed both of us.

Charlie saved me, and I left him there to fight for his life.

I looked back several times, but there wasn’t a trace of him in sight.

Charlie took a bullet for me. Lucie and I were alive because of him, and yet I had no idea if he was dead or alive. I wanted to drop to the ground and cry, but there was no time. I held back the tears and kept running. I think it was the pure adrenaline running through my body that kept me going until I finally saw the train station Charlie had mentioned. Shouting in the distance from where we had just come from continued, which told me that there were soldiers after us. Nothing was going to stop me from getting onto that train, though. Charlie just gave up his freedom, and very likely his life, and I could not let that selfless act be in vain.

Lucie was crying in my arms as if she knew what had happened. The poor thing watched all of it as she rested her head on my shoulder.

Lucie and I snuck onto one of the trains that was boarding. I found a coat closet in an empty car and buried us behind some stored bags.

If he survived, Charlie would find us. I had to keep telling myself that we would somehow be reunited. He would find us. It couldn’t end like that. It just couldn’t. “Lucie,” I whispered. “I promise you, Charlie will find us. He said he wanted to be your papa, and he is—he will be. I’m going to make sure you and I have a good life so that when he does find us, we can share it with him, sweet girl. We can start over. We can go to America. I know I didn’t put you on this earth, but I will do anything in the world for you, and I’ll keep you safe. I will show you undying love, and I will keep you close to me like your mama did for you before she was taken, and like my mama did for me.” Lucie looked at me with her doll-like, blue eyes that glimmered from the crack of light pouring in from the closet door. “I need to change your name, sweet girl.” I thought for a moment, pondering a good, strong name. Mama’s middle name was Annie and I felt it would be the perfect way to carry on her undying strength. “You will always be Lucie to me, but I’m going to call you Annie from now on because I don’t want those horrible men to ever find you. I will be your Mama, and you will be my daughter. You will never have to know of the life of murder and hatred that we left behind. This is my promise to you, sweet girl.”

Lucie couldn’t respond, but she smiled as if she understood. Her hand reached for my hair as if she was reaching for the stars, and I knew that with all the horror we had been through—all the misery and heartache—that I had at least saved one life—the precious little girl and I would never take that for granted.

Life wasn’t fair, and to know I didn’t tell Charlie how I truly felt about him would forever torment me. I didn’t tell him how much I loved him because terror stood in the way, and in the end, he was taken from me anyway. It was all for nothing.

I loved him. I love him, and love like that only comes around once in a lifetime. I’m sure of it. Yes, there are second chances to be had, but only one first love—only one who would sacrifice his own life for another. If I could only do it all over again, I would so that I could tell him the last words that he deserved to hear. I hope he knows that I loved him. I’ll never forgive myself for not expressing that with words.