Scene 4
Stella & Jade
There wasn’t enough beer in the world to get through this shit.
Jade was in reunion hell. Reunion hell in Chico, California, no less. Because that’s a statement worth stating. She sipped her second beer of the afternoon and watched as the Moore clan squealed over the amassing presents beneath the tree and swore to God (didn’t matter which one, as long as He was Protestant) that Mrs. Moore’s decorations had never been so darling. Shawna claimed she had to pull out all the stops because for the first time in ten years, both of her daughters had brought home their lovers for Christmas.
You can get through this shit. You didn’t survive the Air Force and some muscle bound ape earlier this year just so these weirdos can take you out. More beer. She needed more beer.
There was something awfully off about these Moores. The family was small enough: just Stella, her parents, and older sister Sheila. Oh, and Sheila’s boyfriend of the past eight months, a thirty-five-year-old carpenter who was all muscle and shaggy hair. He looks like Jesus.
Chris (see?) fitted in way better with the energetic Moores than Jade did, however. When she agreed to spend Christmas with her girlfriend’s family, she had no idea the first two hours would include bear hugs and enough screeching to send Jade back to Medford, where her dad lived a solitary, quiet life.
Seriously, all that was missing was a pile of kids, since both Stella and her sister were in their 30s and the perfect age for toting around babies and elementary schoolers. But Stella claimed that life wasn’t for her, and Sheila brushed off any questions about kids with, “I’m pushing forty. Fuck off!”
Shawna. Sheila. Stella. Was this family kidding her? How was she supposed to keep three blondes apart as they tore up a ranch house in Chico? Especially when they all talked just as loudly and berated the one male member of the family with the same energy? Jason Moore took it in stride. (And, yes, the Jade vs. Jason joke had already been made. Twice.)
Not only was Jade the only one with hair shorter than five inches, since Jason wore his back in a ponytail as he grilled vegetables on the barbecue out on the patio, but she was also the only one to look at this scene with utter disbelief.
“Come on!” Stella smacked her girlfriend on the back, making her choke on her beer. “As soon as Dad finishes the veggies, we’re going to play some flag football to get hungry for dinner!”
“What?”
“You know how to play, right?” Jason flexed his muscles as he flipped over another carrot. “Don’t tell me you never played in the military.”
“We played.” Jade and the few other women in her unit could take on the boys any day. That didn’t mean she wanted to go up against these assholes, though.
“Jade is a woman of few words.” Stella patted her girlfriend’s shoulder before stealing her beer. “She means she had lots of fun playing flag football in the military and would love to kick our asses at it today. Which is why she’s gonna be on my team.”
“We shouldn’t create a gender divide.” Chris, who had been practicing yoga on the edge of the patio, tossed his long hair better than Stella ever could. “That said, I didn’t know you were in the military, Jade.”
She furrowed her brows. “Went on ten years in the Air Force before I was discharged.”
“What did you do?”
Jade heard the layers of subtext in his voice. Don’t start with me, hippie. Wild, considering many in the military considered Jade the hippie. “I was a mechanic. Worked on planes all day.”
“Ah. And now you are free from the tyranny of spreading colonialism across the globe.” Chris opened his arms to the sky and smiled. From the other side of the patio, Sheila squealed to see her younger boyfriend’s abs flex beneath his tight T-shirt.
“Yeah. Sure.” The last thing Jade wanted to get into was politics. This was Christmas, and the first time she met all of Stella’s family at once. Nobody had been surprised when the former policewoman and FBI agent brought home a former servicewoman. In fact, they had been less shocked by Jade’s former occupation than her gender. Sheila was the worst, having screamed when she first met Jade, “I didn’t fucking believe it! Stella? Not being boy crazy for once? 2012 really started that alternate timeline, huh?”
Chris twisted his arms into a reverse namaste and exhaled one last deep breath. “I’m ready whenever you are, Jason. Even if I must go against the fairer but not weaker sex.”
“Oh my God, this guy,” Jade muttered. She thought she had seen everything in Portland. She forgot things could get even crazier in northern California. “Are you going to be okay playing football?” she asked her girlfriend.
Stella shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you have a busted shoulder.”
“Pfft! It’s fine! Just some flag football! Besides,” she lowered her voice, “my dad ain’t gonna barrel me over. And Chris is afraid to hurt fleas. You’re the one I have the most to worry about.”
“Excuse me?”
“What? Last time my shoulder flared up, it was because you grabbed it too hard during sex.”
The patio grew quiet. Jade, apple red in embarrassment, met the snickering gazes of half of Stella’s family. “Oh my God, Stell.”
“Whaaaat?”
“Ain’t no shame in this house.” Jason took a swig of beer after placing the cooked veggies on a large plate. “My wife used to do those home sex toy parties for years. We ain’t no strangers to any kind of love, including our children’s.”
Jade’s jaw dropped.
“Daddy,” Stella sweetly said, “remember what we talked about with you and the words coming out of your mouth? Stop sounding like the kind of creep I used to arrest.”
“Not my intention!”
“Dad’s not great at getting his points across…” Stella tossed the empty beer bottle into the outdoor recycling. “Come on! Let’s get it set up while mom and Sheila finish dinner!”
“Shouldn’t you be helping?”
“Um, since when do I cook? That’s gross. I only eat.”
“So I’ve noticed over the months.” Jade cooked half the week, and Stella ordered out the other half. Whatever. She had the money.
Chris and Stella decided on the parameters for the small football field while Jason grabbed a Nerf ball and some flags from the garage. He tossed the yellow flags to his daughter and Jade while keeping the red ones for the male team. Chris refused to call them the male team, however. He preferred to think of the sexes as completely equal.
Jade put her hands on her hips, unable to figure out what the fuck she thought of this guy.
“They may be bigger than us,” Stella said, “but we’re the ones who bench press our own weights in the gym.”
“Pretty sure that guy does too.” Chris said he was a personal trainer and professional yogi. “Just try not to get hurt. I don’t think the doctor is open on Christmas Eve.”
“Whatever!” Stella moved a few paces away. Sheila and Shawna prepared the outdoor meal while the rest of the family prepared to slam into each other because… someone had decided so.
The first play was underway. Jade ended up with the ball and hurled it toward Stella, who tripped over her own feet and lost one of her flags when her father casually reached out and snatched it off her waist. “Fumble!” he called.
“Daaaaad.” Stella pouted. “That’s not fair. You can’t take my flag if I fumble.”
“I just did. Suck it up.”
“Daaaaadddy.”
“Take note, Chris.” Jason motioned toward his youngest child. “If you ever have kids one day, they do this. And it works every time.” He handed Stella her flag back.
Of course, they weren’t as nice to Jade, who wasn’t about to bat her eyelashes and whine when Jason snatched her flag on the next play. She was one foot away from scoring a point, too!
“You guys are doing great!” Shawna cried from the patio. She had brought out two dishes from the oven: a tofurkey fresh from the freezer, and a small turkey fresh from the farm. “Dinner’s almost ready! Whoever scores the first point gets to have the first…”
A horn honked from up the driveway. Chris dropped the Nerf ball and promptly threw himself onto the ground in admonishment.
This family was fucking weird.
“Who in the world is calling at this time?” Jason walked ahead to intercept the black car parking in his driveway. While the Moores didn’t live too far out of the way, someone coming up their driveway either meant they had an intentional visitor or someone was really lost. Even Stella looked askance at the car, as if she immediately suspected something nefarious afoot. If her instincts flared up, then Jade supposed she better be on guard as well.
Too bad they looked ridiculous with bright neon flapping at their sides.
“Can I help you, sir?” Jason stayed a few feet away from the car. Chris wasn’t too far behind him. The only people staying far away were Shawna and Sheila, who remained on the patio while everyone else surrounded the car. Jade felt like she was a bodyguard again.
That was truly her first thought when a man opened the door and stepped out. Bodyguard. This guy right here. Her brief stint as a bodyguard for hire had taught her how people carried themselves when they were in the profession. Even more so when they considered themselves on the job.
This young man didn’t waste any time raising his sunglasses and pulling something from the depths of his pockets. It looked like a letter.
“Merry Christmas!” he cheerily said to the Moores. “Just a late delivery to a Ms. Stella Moore. I was told she could be found here.”
“Excuse me?” Stella pushed between the two men in front of her and presented herself for this bodyguard’s once-over. “You’re looking for me?”
Woo. This guy better be glad Stella had left her personal firearm in the guest room. Jade didn’t carry hers if she could help it. But for Stella, old habits apparently died hard. Too long in law enforcement meant she was always within arm’s reach of her gun.
Jade had a feeling this guy had a gun too. In fact, she knew he did, because that’s exactly what that thing poking through his jacket was. It was probably loaded, too. Because if this guy was a bodyguard on a job, then he was definitely packing.
“Yes,” the man said, still projecting a friendly demeanor. “Consider me a private courier. And please excuse me for interrupting your family time. This couldn’t wait.”
Stella took one tentative step forward and snatched the letter from the man’s hand. “Whoa,” she said with a snort. “What the fuck happened to your arm, buddy? Dog bite?”
“It’s been an eventful day, Ms. Moore.”
“I bet it has!”
The man tipped his hat and returned to his car. “Have a Merry Christmas!” He backed out of the driveway with perfect precision.
“Well, that was uh…” Jason scratched his head. “What is someone doing delivering mail on Christmas Eve?”
“It’s some rich people shit, Dad.” Stella tore open the envelope and pulled out a single card. Based on the fancy handwriting and the embossed border, Jade guessed it was an invitation. Bit late for a Christmas party, though. “Well, well, well. Take a look at this, Jade.”
She sidled up to her girlfriend and looked over her shoulder.
“To Ms. Stella Moore,
I require your assistance in a business-related matter and also wish to meet you on a personal level. You have come highly recommended by one of your clients and one of my business acquaintances. I trust the following compensation for your cooperation is sufficient. I require you and your significant other to be at the following place and time. There will be other likeminded individuals there.”
It wasn’t signed.
“Look, honey!” Stella flapped the invitation in Jade’s face. “I’m getting all sorts of business referrals now! Ha! Take that, everyone I ever worked for!”
“Well, that’s my girl!” Jason punched his daughter in the arm. “I knew you could do it!”
Jade wasn’t convinced. While it was true that Stella’s private investigation business was off to a good start with a couple of high profile clients since that past summer, Jade wasn’t convinced that this was what transpired. Something about the courier, the unsigned invitation, and the whole atmosphere was incredibly off. Nobody else seemed to care, however. Especially when Shawna yelled that dinner was ready, and it was time for everyone to say secular grace and dig in.
***
“If you ask me,” Stella said that night in their guest room, “this is an invitation from my biggest client yet. Bigger than Julian Marcus, and that guy was me hitting it big right out of the gate.” She tapped the edge of the invitation against her lip. Stella wasn’t afraid of anything, and that included paper cuts.
“The fact they didn’t sign their name is pretty suspicious, though.”
“Eh, you worry too much.”
“And the fact that you’re not worried at all worries me even more.”
“I guess one of us has to be a big worrywart.” Stella placed a large kiss on Jade’s forehead. They lay side by side in the modestly sized bed. Jade found it plenty cozy. After the stressful day of dealing with the future in-laws, she was more than happy to stay close to her girlfriend and inhale the sweetest of scents. “We are totally going to this. It’s not even that far away. Instead of having New Year’s in Portland, I guess we can have it here in California. I already checked Google Maps and it says it’s only a three hour drive away from here.”
“What a way to spend New Year’s. With a bunch of strangers in a stranger situation.”
“Hmm, we might know somebody there.”
“I somehow doubt it.”
Stella turned the invitation over again. “I should send this to the FBI for analysis. You think they’d let me?”
“You’re the former agent, sweetie. You tell me.”
“Nah.”
“Honestly,” Jade said with a sigh. “I think you just want out of our previous New Year’s plans.”
Stella was already texting someone else. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jade sighed again. For a lack of any other plans, they had tentatively decided to attend Sylvia Rogers’s themed New Year’s Eve party. Everyone was supposed to come dressed as a “citizen of a previous generation.” Honestly, it was an excuse for her to don her old Flapper getup, which Jade had heard the woman was once infamous for loving. Sounded like a huge pain in the ass. But the food would’ve been good. Because wherever Sylvia was, excellent Mexican food abounded. That was the benefit of hanging out with Stella’s ex-boyfriend, Jade supposed.
I better get some fucking enchiladas at this other party. That was the only way Jade could be convinced to go. On the other hand, though, she didn’t have to wear the 1950’s greaser outfit Stella had picked out for her just so someone else could get away with a pink poodle skirt…
“I’m so tired of talking about this,” Jade muttered. “Put that thing away so we can get some sleep. Your mother was going on about how early we’re having breakfast and opening presents in the morning.”
Stella scoffed, but obeyed. “You just wanna fool around.”
“I… what?”
“You heard me.” Stella shoved Jade down onto the bed and got on top of her. Not that Jade protested, since she was always down for having her hot girlfriend on top of her, but that was quite the transition. In her parents’ house, no less. “It’s fooling around time. You know we have a pact to do it everywhere we go.”
“We do, huh?”
Stella turned on a RnB tune on her phone. Could she be any more obvious? “Yup. Let’s get funky.”
Jade closed her eyes in disbelief. “You really wanna do it in your parents’ house, huh?”
“Kinda hot, right?”
“Not at all, actually.”
“Just because you were too chicken to screw in your dad’s house, doesn’t mean my parents would be weird about it.” Stella reiterated her point by pulling off her pajama shirt. She was not wearing a bra beneath it. “Do you know how many people I’ve done it with in my parents’ houses?”
“No, and it’s not up for discussion.”
“Why are you such a killjoy?” Stella touched her nose to Jade’s. “I think you get off on creating these restrictions in your head. That way when you cross your boundaries, you get off harder. Hm. Yes. That’s clearly the explanation. Once again, I’ve cracked a case.”
On one hand, Jade couldn’t take her eyes off her girlfriend’s breasts. On the other, this was too absurd to entertain. “I’m not in the mood.”
“You’re telling me that you’d rather sleep than get with this?” Stella cupped her breasts and lifted them toward her chin. “I take it all back. You’re not human.”
“I am. I’m just not in the mood.”
“Yes you aaaaare.” Stella released her chest and undulated against her girlfriend’s stomach. “Look at my tits, Jaaade. You are now hypnotized by their moooovements.” Like two pendulums swinging, Stella’s breasts went on a ride while the bed squeaked to the beat of the RnB song. “Mm, yeah, we gonna be fuckin’ while Santa shimmies down the chimney.”
“You leave Santa out of this. He’s too pure for your filthy mind.”
“Honey, he’s got a wife. There ain’t nothin’ pure about Santa. You think that shit’s chaste?”
Jade couldn’t take it anymore. She clamped her hands against her girlfriend’s breasts to make them stop moving. Ah, yes. That was a nice feeling, wasn’t it?
Perfect timing! Because that’s when the door flung open and Jason helped himself into his daughter’s guest room.
“So I was thinking…” He took one look at Jade’s mortified face and at his half-naked daughter’s hands on her hips. “Well, never mind. You two are busy.” He promptly turned around and shut the door behind him.
“C’mon, Dad! You know the rules!” Stella huffed. “RnB means don’t enter!”
Jade was definitely not in the mood now. And she probably would never be in the mood again.
She also was definitely, most definitely not going to breakfast in the morning. The next time she was able to sleep without having nightmares was too far away to contemplate. Until then, she would continue to play this whole awful day in her head, over and over again.
Stella refused to see what the big deal was.