Lydia
HAVE YOU EVER seen a monkey open a coconut? It’s a violent, harsh process where he shreds the outer shell piece by piece using its teeth. Each layer removed makes the coconut more vulnerable and easier to crack. When enough of the outside has been discarded, the monkey will smash the coconut against the hard ground over and over again until it finally cracks. My heart is the coconut. I feel like Marcus has taken chunks out of it before crushing it against the ground until there’s nothing left but broken fragments.
It’s been three days since I’ve talked to Marcus, despite his efforts. He kept calling to the point where I had to shut my phone off. In the meantime, I’ve been crashing at Charlotte’s, lying in my pajamas, and wallowing in self-pity.
I cry every day, and have had to call out of work. I’m so torn and I don’t know what to do. If I thought what Seth did to me hurt, it’s nothing in comparison to this. I thought Marcus was my soulmate, and the reason for the misery of my past was to make way for the happiness of my future. A future with Marcus. I’m not sure that’s the case anymore.
“How you doing?” Charlotte asks.
“I’m okay,” I tell her. It’s a lie. I’m awful, but what else is there to say? Nothing has changed and it’s the same thing every day. “Are you sure I’m not overstaying my welcome?”
“It’s fine, I promise,” she interrupts.
“Are you sure Nate doesn’t mind? Spartacus has been a real asshole too,” I say, referring to my cat that has knocked everything made of glass over and ate her plants. In my haste to get away from Marcus as quickly as possible, I wasn’t able to grab my cat and all of his things. Luckily, Charlotte was nice enough to go get him for me. He’s been a horrible house guest ever since.
She rolls her eyes. “How many times have you seen Nate since you’ve been here?” I give it some thought and only remember seeing him a few times. “Exactly,” she says. “Really, you’re okay. Besides, I like that asshole cat of yours,” she says with a wink.
We’re both quiet for a moment and I contemplate turning on the TV for some background noise. “Have you talked to him?” Her tone is gentle and quiet as if speaking too loud will cause me to crack in two.
“No,” I answer with a shake of my head.
“Isn’t there a part of you that thinks he might be telling the truth?”
I let out a sigh. “Yes, and it tortures me.” Tears start to fill my eyes, but I’m able to push them back.
“You’re torturing yourself for no reason. You need to talk to him,” she urges. “You can’t keep running. You’re going to have to face your fears head-on or you’re going to end up a bitter old lady with fifteen asshole cats.”
Her last comment makes my lip twitch with a hint of a smile. She’s right. I know she is. But it’s scary as hell to put yourself out there with something like this hanging over our heads.
“Go home.”
Home.
The first image to appear when that word crosses my mind is Marcus. Closing my eyes, I focus on what I know, not what I think.
He makes me laugh. My happiness has always been his priority, and he’s never hurt me. He’s caring and compassionate. His heart is good and genuine.
He loves me.
And I love him.
Opening my eyes with new clarity, I say, “I’ve got to go.” A slow smile spreads across her face as I spring up and run to get my things.
With Spartacus in my arms, I rush through the front door eager to see Marcus and tell him I’m sorry.
“Marcus?” I say into the quiet space. Walking into the living room, I’m shocked. The chair is turned up on its end, papers are strewn everywhere, and there’s a broken glass on the kitchen counter. The place is a disaster.
“Marcus, are you here?” I set Spartacus down and go in search of him. His car was out front, so he has to be around here somewhere.
Running upstairs, the music gets louder as I get closer to the bedroom. My steps falter as memories resurface. I swallow hard, forcing myself to continue as a lead ball forms in my stomach. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I round the corner. Lying on the bed is Marcus, facedown, passed out.
Relief washes over me as does the realization that I’m an idiot. I have to come to terms with the fact that Marcus is not Seth. He’ll never be Seth. I can’t let the sins of one man transfer to another. Marcus is way too kind and generous and loving to ever be that type of person. I walk over to his iPod dock and turn it off. The silence is deafening until a light snore cuts through the air.
I sit down carefully on the edge of the bed as I watch him sleep. Where his features are normally relaxed, his face is filled with tension. The crease in his brows giving away his torment.
My hand rubs his back. “Marcus,” I say gently. “Wake up.” After a few more times, he finally rouses from his sleep.
He blinks several times, as if he’s still dreaming. “Lydia?” His voice is rough with sleep, but there’s instant concern in his eyes.
“Hey.” I give him a timid smile, not sure how he’ll react to me being here after walking out on him. He sits up quickly, the blanket falling to reveal his toned chest and abs. He opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. “I’m sorry.” His expression softens. “I’ve done a lot of thinking the last few days, and I’m sorry. I was quick to judge and jump to conclusions based on my own fears, and that wasn’t fair to you.”
He shakes his head and looks down before returning his gaze back to me. “I get it. Trust me, I get it. This hits close to home for you, so I understand your reaction and need to get away.”
“I’m going to be honest; I’m still struggling with all of it. There are some things that you never get over completely, and a small part of me still has doubts. I’m fighting against all of my instincts and trusting you not to destroy me. I can’t promise I won’t have my moments, but I want to be here for you and get through this together.”
His only response is to grab my arm and pull me to him. With his arms wrapped around me, he squeezes me tight. Relief pours off of him in waves as I feel the tension fall from his body. Reluctantly, he lets go and pushes away a little. “Thank you,” he says. My head tilts to the side and he continues. “Thank you for coming back to me.”
Closing the distance between us, I seal my lips with his. A calm settles over me as I relax into him. I’m taking a leap of faith, risking my heart in the process. It’s by far the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.