The sound of cars being revved up blanketed the night. Lily blinked and brushed the remaining sleep out of her eyes. Nikoli had shaken her awake at 3:00 a.m. and here she was an hour later, still half asleep. She’d been awake a long time after they’d made love, thinking and listening to the even sound of Nikoli’s breathing as he slept. She was running on about two hours, but the sound of the engines, the smell of the gas, it all started to wake her sleepy mind.
It wasn’t what she imagined it would be. Growing up watching The Fast and The Furious movies had permanently warped her vision of what a street race should be. It was the middle of the night, the only real lights were some drop lights scattered around, and they’d taken over the parking lot of an abandoned warehouse. She’d imagined some racetrack scenario, with spectators and fans everywhere. Not what she got.
Nikoli left her and Luther by the car while he went to check in. Luther popped the hood and busied himself inspecting the car for the thousandth time. It was ready. She almost said something, but she knew it was his way of dealing with nerves. Instead, she studied the people, their backgrounds from all over, judging from the diverse group around her.
The adrenaline and excitement on every face she saw was, however, just as she’d imagined it. People were huddled in groups around their cars, some shooting the breeze, others shit-talking each other, and she grinned. This was amazing. No wonder her father had always said he loved this more than NASCAR. She wasn’t even driving, and her adrenaline was through the roof.
“Hey, baby.” Nikoli slid his arms around her. “How are you feeling?”
“Ohmygoshthisisamazing!” The words came out in a rush, all jumbled together, and Nikoli laughed.
“That’s not what I mean,” he whispered. “I mean are you okay after last night? Sore?”
Lily felt her face flame up at the reminder, and she shot a glance to where Luther was still buried under the hood of the car. “I’m fine,” she muttered.
Nikoli laughed again and gave her another squeeze. He could see the blush spreading like wildfire along her neck and cheeks. She was adorable when she was embarrassed. “So what do you think of your first underground race?” he asked, his hand brushing against the underside of her breast. Her small gasp made him grin wider.
“Well, I thought there would be more people here, more lights, more…everything.”
Luther stood up and slammed the hood. “Oh, there are plenty of those around, Lily. This race is invite only and very hush-hush. Got to keep it on the down low.”
“Are we ready?” Nikoli let his chin rest on the top of Lily’s head.
“If we’re not, there’s nothing we can do about it now.” Luther checked his watch. “You got five minutes to get in the car and get it to the starting line.”
“Luther, don’t let her out of your sight.” He turned Lily around and bent down to give her a quick kiss. “Wish me luck, baby.”
“Good luck,” she said, a ghost of a smile on her face. She seemed sad this morning, and Nikoli wanted to reassure her, but he couldn’t. He had the feeling she knew, like he did, this was their last weekend together. He had no idea how to comfort her when he was having issues coming to terms with it himself.
Instead of dwelling, he released her and slid behind the wheel of the car they’d labored over for this race. He started the engine, revved it a few times, and then pulled out, leaving Lily and Luther in his rear view mirror.
“Come on, Lily.” Luther took her arm and started to pull her closer to where the cars were lined up, despite the fact she stiffened up. She might be better, but she wasn’t cured. “We’ll wait up here so we can see them when they circle back and cross the finish the line.”
“How long does the race usually take?” Her eyes took in everything as she disentangled herself from Luther’s grip. A hint of her panic crept up her spine, but she took several deep breaths and made herself calm down.
“Depends,” Luther said, eyeballing the other cars. “It could be ten minutes or it could be a couple hours. The route is preprogrammed into the GPS. Nikoli got it when he signed in a few minutes ago. No one knows the route until they get in the car and plug the GPS in. Last year it was a thirty minute race.”
The engines revved up, and without warning they all squealed tires and sped off into the early morning darkness. Lily’s eyes widened. She’d expected someone up front to be waving a green flag or something.
Luther laughed at her expression. “We are ruining your expectations, huh?”
Lily nodded, nonplussed. This was not at all what she’d expected.
“We’ll take you to a race that will reaffirm all those expectations,” Luther said, laughing. “This one is for major money.”
Lily shot him a smile tinged with sadness. She highly doubted she’d be going to any other races with them, but she pushed those thoughts down and started counting the minutes.
Nerves ate at her. The last race she’d been to was the one that cost her father his life. He’d plowed into a wreck on the track, been hit by another car and pushed into the wall, trapped and unable to move when the next few cars slammed into the wreckage. Lily didn’t like to dwell on it because then she’d start thinking of if he’d been unconscious or if he’d been awake and in pain as he’d died. It always ripped her to shreds imagining all the what-ifs.
She couldn’t help but think about it now, though. Nikoli was racing, and even though this wasn’t a track, it was still dangerous. Maybe even more dangerous than an organized race like NASCAR. Worry for Nikoli consumed her, but she tried to keep it from showing. Luther was nervous enough for both of them.
After forty-five minutes, the wait started to get to Luther. He’d taken to pacing, as had several other people milling around. He’d been nervous before, but now he was clearly getting worried. The later it got, the more the city started to wake up. Soon, it would be next to impossible for the racers to hide from the police and the helicopters. That was another worry of Lily’s. They’d both impressed upon her how important it was to not get caught, given who they were. This was how they financed their business, and it would be bad for business to get arrested for being involved in an illegal race.
Another fifteen minutes went by before the sound of loud engines could be heard. Luther grabbed Lily and pulled her well out of the way. Before she could protest, she saw the first of four cars fighting for first place. They were all over the road, pushing each other, angling to try and get around the ones in front of them. Lily squinted and spotted Nikoli in third place. Her heart nearly stopped when one of the cars slammed into his, forcing him off the road, but he recovered and shot back up to where he was.
Luther cursed rather violently while they watched Nikoli fight to gain control of the second position. He swerved and slammed his car into the same Dodge Charger that had forced him off the road. The Charger’s driver lost control of the car and spun out, flipping, taking the fourth car down with him. All that was left was the Mach 1 and the 1974 Chevelle. Neither looked willing to give an inch, both ramming into each other.
Lily bit down on her knuckles to keep from shouting. Luther leaned forward as they got closer, muttering something she couldn’t make out. She didn’t care. Her eyes were glued to the battling vehicles, their intent to win clear in their aggressive driving.
Closer and closer they came, each pulling out into the lead for a brief few seconds before being overtaken. She knew how important this race was Luther and Nikoli, but she didn’t think they were going to win. She’d been watching the other driver and knew for a fact he wasn’t showing his hand. The car sat up just a little higher in the front which told her there were modifications that could boost the speed under that hood. No racer worth a grain of salt would do a speed boost until the very end.
“He’s not going to win,” Lily whispered, which made Luther glower at her. “Well, he’s not. The other car still has a speed boost left.”
“How do you know that?” Luther asked, a growl behind his words.
“I know cars, Luther,” she said, still watching the fight. “Trust me on this.”
Luther pulled out a small radio and started shouting into it. Lily’s eyebrows rose. If he’d been able to talk to Nikoli before, why had he waited and worked himself up into such a nervous wreck?
Before Lily realized what was happening, Nikoli pulled ahead and then drifted right hard, forcing the other car to swerve. The Chevelle’s rear end slammed into Nikoli, and both cars started spinning out of control. They were simply going too fast. Lily watched, horrified as both cars bounced off each other again. That final hard slam sent Nikoli’s Mach 1 over the finish line, while the Chevelle hit the side of the building, smashing the front end up into the dash.
Nikoli’s car came to a halt and Lily ran, despite Luther shouting for her to wait. She needed to see that he was okay, that he wasn’t dead. The car took a beating, and she knew Nikoli had as well. The door was flung open, and she reached him just as he fell out onto the pavement. Dropping to her knees, she grabbed his face and pulled it up so she could see his eyes. He gave her a half smile before dragging her closer for a kiss full of fear, passion, and need. It left them both breathless. He stared at her in shock when he pulled away from her.
“I love you,” she blurted out, and Nikoli blinked. She knew she’d shocked him. She could see the shock in his eyes. She hadn’t meant to say that. God, she hadn’t meant to, but how was she going to take it back?
Lily started to say something, but the smell caught her attention. It was a mixture of gasoline and nitrogen. Her father warned her if she smelled that to run as fast as she could. She looked over to the Chevelle and saw them struggling to get the driver out.
She stood up and ran over. “Luther, get your ass over here and help us get him out before this thing blows!” She pulled out her small pocketknife and concentrated on getting the seatbelt off him while others yanked the door off and pulled the seat back so they could drag the guy from the car. She felt Nikoli at her back and looked to see him struggling to help them with the seat. He only gave her a grin when she sent a glare his way. He should be sitting down, not trying to help.
The guys managed to pull the seat back and free the driver’s legs. Lily took a step back so they could drag him out of the car. Luther tossed her the keys to the Lexus and then jumped in the Mach 1. Nikoli headed for the Lexus, and Lily stared after Luther for a minute before hurrying to catch up with Nikoli. He slid in the passenger seat, and Lily got in the driver’s side.
“Drive,” he bit out before she could say anything.
Lily did as she was told without another word. She knew the police would be here soon, and they needed to be gone. He directed her down several side streets and through two alleys before they emerged onto the main highway. Lily pulled over at a gas station about ten minutes later and turned to assess the damage.
Nikoli had several nasty bruises, and a cut on his forehead was still bleeding heavily. She popped open the glove box and took out the first aid kit they’d stored there yesterday. Nikoli grumbled when she cleaned the wound and then closed it up with butterfly bandages.
When she was satisfied she’d done as much as she could with what she had, she closed the kit and gave him a once over. She knew without asking, he wouldn’t go to the hospital.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “Is there anything I can get you?”
“A bottle of water would be nice,” Nikoli told her, seeing the worry in her eyes. She nodded and got out of the car to go into the gas station. He let out a small sigh of relief. He’d won. It had been close, and he owed that to Lily. Luther warned him the guy was about to launch a speed boost, and Nikoli would have been sunk if that happened. Thank God she knew so much about cars, especially race cars.
When she’d kissed him, Nikoli realized two things. She loved him, but more importantly, he loved her. He felt how much she loved him in the way she’d kissed him. She’d put everything in that kiss she didn’t dare say out loud. Not only had he responded, but he’d put just as much into the kiss as she had. He loved her, and it terrified him.
Then she’d gone and told him she loved him. The kiss had told him that already, but then her blurted confession confirmed it.
He didn’t know how to respond to that.
This road was a familiar one for him. Sure, Lily hadn’t asked him for anything, but who was to say that down the road, as she got her claws sunk deeper into him, that she wouldn’t become just like every other woman? He’d misjudged one woman once, and he wasn’t about to put himself in that position again. He couldn’t do that to himself, no matter how much he loved Lily. He couldn’t take the risk of feeling that heartbreak again.
Lily opened the car door and gave him the water, along with a few wet paper towels. He cleaned up his face and then swallowed half the bottle in one long pull.
“You’re sure you’re okay?” she fussed. “You could have internal injuries. Maybe we should go to the hospital?”
“No.” He shook his head. “They’ll be checking the ERs and local clinics looking for injuries from a car accident. I can’t go there. I’m fine, Lily, really. Just get us back to the hotel room so I can lay down.”
She started the car and pulled back into the flow of traffic. Nikoli closed his eyes and winced when she hit a rough patch in the road. He didn’t think he had any internal injuries, but he was sore and felt every bump. It would be a relief to just lie down in the bed for a while.
It took a little over an hour to reach the hotel because of early morning traffic, but Luther was waiting when Lily parked the car. He helped Nikoli out and started to lead him through a side door Lily hadn’t seen before. It was a back entrance only the staff used, but there was an elevator a few feet in front of the door. Once they got Nikoli to his room and settled in bed, Luther headed out, saying he needed to make arrangements for the car.
Lily sat down on the chair across from the bed and watched him sleep. He’d fallen out minutes after his head hit the pillow. Lily worried about a concussion, but he hadn’t shown any signs of one. He wasn’t dizzy or seeing double, and his eyes had been focused. Still, she worried, so she watched him for any signs of trouble.
She still couldn’t believe she’d been stupid enough to tell him she loved him. The look of shock in his eyes worried her. Even though she hadn’t meant for the words to slip out, she was glad they were out there. Sometimes, she thought Nikoli loved her as much as she loved him, but she couldn’t be sure. She loved him enough to risk her heart being broken.
It was a risky bet and one she didn’t know if she’d win.
When Nikoli opened his eyes several hours later, he saw Lily curled up in the chair she’d dragged close to the bed. She smiled softly when she saw him staring at her. His heart clenched, knowing what he was about to do to her. She didn’t deserve it, but he couldn’t risk his heart again. He just couldn’t.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” she said. “I was starting to get worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. “Give me a few minutes, Lily Bells. Then we need to talk.” He got up and headed to the bathroom. He slowed down as soon as his injuries caught up to him. He’d been slammed into the car door more times than he could count. Sure enough, once he took his shirt off, he saw the bruise that ran the length of his arm and wrapped around his shoulder.
He turned on the shower and then slipped in a minute later, letting the hot water hit the bruises on his body to help soothe the sore muscles. How was he going to break her heart? How was he going to look into the eyes of the woman he loved and tell her he didn’t love her? How had he gotten into this mess in the first place?
All because he was determined to have the one woman who not only ignored him, but inspired a hunt like no other. She ran, and he chased. When he caught her, he found not a sly fox, but a sweet and innocent young woman who truly epitomized the meaning of a good person. He hadn’t been prepared for her. She made him laugh, made him question his own sense of self. She made him want to be a better person.
And despite all that, he was still going to break her.
Shutting off the shower, he dried off and put on the clean pair of jeans and t-shirt he’d left in here this morning for his after-race shower. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Lily was still sitting where he’d left her, but she was staring off into space, deep in thought.
He walked over and sat down on the bed. “We need to talk, Lily.”
She smiled up at him, and it nearly did him in. There was so much hope on her face.
“Yes, we do,” she said. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that, but I was scared, and then you were safe and I couldn’t help it. I do love you, Nikoli. I have for a long time.”
“No, Lily, you don’t love me.” He shook his head. “You just see what everyone else does, and you only think you love me…”
She reached up and put a finger to his lips. “Stop right there, Kincaid. I do see what you let everyone else see—the fuck you, I don’t care what you think man, and then I see you. The man who is gentle, and takes care of those he cares about. The man who stopped what he was doing to buy a little girl a sucker because her mama didn’t have the money for it. I see the man who laughs, the man who can be kind and loving. I see the man I fell in love with, I see you.”
Nikoli didn’t know what to say. Lily really did see him, the man he hid from everyone, sometimes even Luther. How had he let her get this close?
“It doesn’t matter, Lily.”
“Of course it matters,” she argued.
“No, it doesn’t. I don’t love you, Lily.”
Her eyes. Dammit. He watched them go from so full of happiness to horror, and then to a deep and abiding hurt. It was as if someone had sucked all the joy out of them and left nothing but a broken and beaten landscape behind. Her face paled and her hands clutched the chair arms in a death grip.
She blinked, and he watched the tears pool in her eyes. More than anything, he wanted to pull her into his lap and tell her he was wrong, that he loved her too, but he didn’t. Instead he just sat there, his face expressionless.
Lily got up, and he watched her cautiously. She rummaged in her luggage until she found her tablet. She turned it on and made several swipes. What was she doing? Once she was done, she put her tablet back and then called the front desk for a taxi.
“What are you doing?” he asked, getting a little alarmed. She hadn’t said a word. He stood up and followed her.
“I’m going home.” Her voice shook. “There’s a noon flight back to Boston, and I was able to swap my ticket for it.”
“You don’t need to do that Lily,” he said. “You can ride back with me and Luther…”
“No, that’s not a good idea,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to see Luther’s pity. I’ve seen it on his face for so many other girls. I couldn’t bear it.”
“At least let me take you to the airport.”
“No,” she said adamantly. “You are in no shape to be driving. You need to rest.”
Another sharp pain ripped through him. He’d broken her heart and she was still more worried about him than her own pain.
She finished packing and then opened the door, looking at him one more time. The depth of her pain made him take a step toward her, but she put out a hand as if to ward him off.
“Goodbye, Nikoli.”
Then she closed the door, and Nikoli stumbled as he walked over to the chair she’d just been in. He sank down and put his head in his heads, knowing he’d probably screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him.
It only took a moment for the pain of losing her to sink in. He stood, his fists clenched, and stared at the door. She was gone. Really and truly gone. Anger at himself, at the situation, at Lily for just leaving swamped him, and his fist hit the wall. He let out a ragged groan, but he welcomed the pain his body was experiencing. After what he’d just done, he deserved to hurt.
Images of her flashed in his mind, laughing, joking, and the way she smiled at the simplest of things. His heart argued with him, the pain it caused so deep, he fell down to his knees as it wrenched through him.
How was he going to survive this?
***
I don’t love you, Lily.
Those words kept echoing in Lily’s mind, each one a stab into her heart. It was as if he’d taken her heart, held it in his hands for a moment, and then started to squeeze, the pain worse with each passing moment. Lily felt as if she couldn’t breathe, as if she wanted to hurl. Her heart ached, her body ached from the rejection. She wanted to cry, to wail, to shout at God, Fate, and any other entity she could blame for the pain she felt right now.
She called Adam and asked him to pick her up at the airport, and she begged him not to bring Sue. That witch was someone she’d hurt if she gave her one snide stare. Adam hadn’t asked a single question, just said he’d be waiting for her. For that, she was grateful.
The flight home was difficult. She barely kept it together. When the plane landed and they all were hustled inside, she found Adam waiting in the baggage claim area. She threw herself at him and burst into tears. As soon as she saw his familiar face, the dam had broken. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, murmuring nonsense. She cried so hard, and he just stood there and let her.
“Come on, Lils,” he whispered after a long time. “Let’s get you home, okay?”
Instead of taking her back to the dorm, he took her to the small apartment Mike and Janet shared. They were both there when Adam opened the door, but she ran past them into the bathroom. Standing was too much effort, so she lay down on the floor, her cheek pressed to the white tile that smelled like Pine-Sol.
She couldn’t breathe. She tried taking deep breaths, but she couldn’t breathe. It hurt too much. Tears slid over her nose and landed to puddle in front of her eyes on the harsh tile of the floor. The door opened and Adam came in. He didn’t say anything, he just lay down next to her. His hand found hers, and he laced their fingers together.
Her sobs shook her, and she couldn’t stop them. Her entire body cried out in denial, her soul felt like it had been torn in half. She missed him, and he hadn’t been gone for more than a few hours.
Adam rolled and pulled her into him, his stomach against her back, and he held her while she shook from grief and her sobs robbed her of breath. Adam held her while she cried, not saying a word, but just holding her to let her know he was there and she was loved. She appreciated that more than she could say.
Her sobs quieted, and she stared at the white plastic of the small tub in front of her. She wanted to feel numb, but she didn’t. Every breath, every movement hurt. Never had she imagined losing Nikoli would hurt this much. She felt like she was the one who’d been in the accident this morning. Her skin felt raw, her lungs burned, and her heart…her heart was just broken.
She was broken.
***
“You look like shit.”
Nikoli raised blurry eyes to see his brother standing above him. Kade took a seat across from him at the table. The waitress came over, and he asked for a beer. “What are you doing here?”
“Luther called me. Said you’d been drunk for the last week and you wouldn’t listen to him.”
Luther needed to mind his own damn business. Liquor numbed the pain.
“What has gotten into you?” Kade continued. “You’ve never been much of a drinker.”
That was before he lost the one person who really mattered to him.
“Go home, Kade.”
“No, I’m not going home.” He thanked the waitress as she set his beer down in front of him. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you seriously binge drinking because of some chick?”
“You don’t know a thing about Lily.” He winced at the slur in his voice. “You don’t understand what I did to her.”
Kade’s eyes sharpened. “Nikoli, you didn’t do anything that can get you in trouble, did you?”
Nikoli snorted. “No.”
Relief swept over Kade’s face. “You need to pull yourself together, little brother.”
“I love her.”
That made Kade shut up. His mouth opened and closed, but no words came out.
“Then why the fuck are you sitting here, drunk off your ass, instead of with her?”
“You know why.”
Kade flinched. He did know why.
“She’s not Jessica.” Her name still brought a scowl to both their faces.
Jessica Frasier. Her name still left a bad taste in Nikoli’s mouth. The summer before he started Boston University, he’d gone to spend the summer with Kade in Virginia. Jessica had been his brother’s girlfriend. Blonde, beautiful, and a manipulative bitch at heart. She’d started to flirt with him the day he’d arrived. Kade had told her how proud he was of Nikoli for what he’d accomplished, had told her about Nikoli’s business.
His brother had been in love with her.
It hadn’t mattered to Nikoli. The woman had convinced him that she loved him after a few weeks there, and he’d believed her. He’d been young and stupid, and he’d almost ruined the relationship between him and Kade. It still wasn’t what it was, but they’d both realized soon after who Jessica really was at heart. Nikoli had hurt his brother, had taken what was his and never looked back. Maybe the pain he felt now was karma’s way of paying him back.
She’d demanded things from Nikoli from the beginning, and he’d obliged her by buying anything she wanted. He’d left his brother’s apartment and had been staying with Jessica. He’d come home one day and overheard a conversation she was having with someone on the phone. She’d been gloating about landing the rich brother, laughing while she told whoever about how she’d convinced Nikoli he loved her and about how she was now set for life.
Realizing what she’d made him do, he’d simply walked out and gone to find his brother. It had hurt, sucker punched him. At the time, he’d thought he loved her. He’d been so ashamed of what he’d done to his brother. He’d confessed to Kade what he’d overheard, and Kade had forgiven him. Jessica had manipulated them both. It had skewed both of them in their expectations of women. Neither had had a relationship that lasted longer than an hour since then.
Jessica had ruined him. Nikoli had loved her, or at least he thought he had at the time. He understood the difference now. He understood the difference between lust and love. He loved Lily, but he’d lusted after Jessica, and in the process had almost lost his brother. It would cause any sane man to pause.
“Nikoli, you know I’m the first person to advocate bachelorhood, but I think you need to get over it and go get your woman back.”
Nikoli’s head snapped up. Kade sat there sipping his beer. Looking all sage and wise.
“The day I met her, I knew you were sunk. The way the two of you were together…there was a connection there. I went home thinking my little brother found his one.”
Nikoli was shaking his head before his brother even finished speaking.
“I can’t.”
“Little brother, you’re sitting here so drunk, I don’t think you can stand up. Luther says you’ve been like this all week, blowing off classes, and angry at the world. If you love the girl, you need to own up to it.”
“I told her I didn’t love her.” Nikoli downed the shot of tequila he’d just poured. “She said she loved me, and I sat there and broke her. Her face…” He closed his eyes at the memory.
“I’m sure if you talked to her…”
“No,” Nikoli interrupted his brother. “It’s better this way.”
Kade didn’t say anything after that, but the look of disgust he gave Nikoli spoke volumes. Yeah, he was stupid. He knew that, but he was afraid.
Kade asked for his bill and paid Nikoli’s tab as well. “Let’s get you home. If you want to destroy your chance at happiness, man, go for it, but I’m not letting you binge drink anymore. If I have to call every bar in Boston to cut you off, I will.”
Nikoli barely remembered Kade hauling him up. All he could think about was Lily.
It was better this way.