Chapter Thirteen
My first full day at JenCar was exactly like my orientation. Philip Lawler sent me for coffee every half hour. He sent me to other departments to deliver memos that he could’ve just emailed. When I wasn’t doing all of those wonderful things, I sat in an empty cubicle and stared at a gray fabric wall. After getting his deli sandwich from the fridge, I was fed up and stormed toward Lawler’s office, determined to give him a piece of my mind. Politely.
I rapped on his door and opened it only after permission had been granted—a lesson I’d learned the hard way when I first arrived at eight. His door had been open and he had been working on something on his computer. I’d strolled in and sat in the chair I’d cleaned off. I’d waited about ten minutes before I cleared my throat. Lawler had jumped out of his chair and banged his knee on his desk. He had found the vacated cubicle for me shortly after that.
Devon and Marvin Acton stood within the small cramped space. They glanced at me, then Acton ignored me as if I was a honey bee buzzing into the room. Devon offered a warm smile, which I returned as I slipped inside the room. I placed the sandwich on the edge of Lawler’s desk and moved to the corner while they continued their conversation.
“The schematics for the new transducer will improve the accuracy of acceleration,” Acton said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I showed Devon the equations this morning and we improved them. I think it’s finished and ready to go to Rex for approval.”
“But you want me to double check?” Lawler asked. He glanced at Devon for a moment, who shook his head. But Lawler dismissed him the way he had done to me. At least I wasn’t alone in Lawler’s disdain. Maybe Devon’s JenCar pedigree meant nothing to Philip.
“Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind.” Acton rocked on his heels. Devon glanced at me, a small smile lifting his lips. Game on, indeed. “I’m sure it’s good, but it never hurts to have another set of eyes be one-hundred percent certain.”
Lawler took the file from Devon. “Fine, but it’ll be a few days. Maybe you can finally finish that fuselage issue while you wait. You know, the one Rex assigned you six months ago.”
Acton’s back tightened like Lawler shoved a hot iron pole up his ass. “Come on, Devon. Let’s go get lunch to celebrate.”
I stayed in the corner, out of their way. Devon wiggled his eyebrows at me as he followed Acton out of the office. It was hard not to smile, but I managed. Flirting in front of my pseudo-boss wasn’t the best of ideas. They closed the door and Lawler glared where they’d been. I’d already learned that Philip hated his door closed, so I reached over and opened it without taking my eyes off him. He ignored me and tossed the file onto one of the many piles near the corner.
“Can I help you with something?” he asked, going back to the task he must have been working on before Acton interrupted him.
In that instant, I decided to go with brutal honesty over tact. “I know you don’t want an intern, and I guess I get that, since you never stop working, but I’m here and I need to actually do something meaningful or this entire experience is worthless to me and my future.” I inhaled, waiting for him to snap at me for interrupting him with crap he couldn’t care less about. I’d known the man for a day and I felt like I knew everything about him already. He worked. That was his life. There was nothing in his office to indicate a family or a life outside of this place. He was here when I came in at a quarter to eight. He was here when I left the day before at five. I doubted he left this room for anything. I half expected to find a sleeping bag under the piles of files. If I didn’t stop acting like I had a stick up my ass, I’d end up exactly like him. That thought shook me. I refocused on the problem at hand. “This internship means a lot to me, Mr. Lawler. I can do more than fetch coffee and deliver memos.”
He finally tore his gaze away from the computer screen and met my own. “Good. See those files in the corner?”
I nodded without glancing at the pile. That was where he tossed Acton’s transducer project.
“Go through them, sort out the mess inside, and study them.” He returned to the computer screen. “Double check everything. And I mean every little detail down to the simplest calculations. If he has one plus one equaling two, don’t take it for granted that it’s right. Make any notations necessary. When you’re finished with one, bring it back to me. We’ll go from there.”
I picked up around fifty files from the floor, clutching them to my chest.
“Call IT and make sure the programs are up-to-date on your computer, too,” he added as a dismissal. “That cubicle has been empty for about a year or so. I’d be surprised if the damn machine even turned on.”
I nodded again, even though he wasn’t looking at me. When I got back to my desk, I did a happy dance. I’d stood up for myself and he responded. It was a moment to be savored, but I didn’t have time. There was a lot of work to do and I still needed to prove I was capable of doing it. I called IT. The computer booted, but slower than my two-year-old laptop. It needed updates that were way out of my skillset. The IT guy couldn’t just walk me through it, either. I flipped through the files. On the outside in slanted script were dates. One for the day he started the project and one for the day he finished it. They were completed pretty fast in my opinion, but what did I know other than what I’d done at school? Maybe after a few years of experience, these projects could be done that fast. Reviewing them all would take time, but I wanted to be as efficient as Mr. Acton.
The file on top was the one Acton had given Lawler while I was in the office. I opened it. It was a mess. Nothing was in any sort of order. The schematics for the transducer were on multiple pages. It was like a thousand-piece puzzle I had to put together to pass a class. I flipped through the rest of the files, all from within the last few months and all from Acton. They were in the same condition. No wonder Lawler had tossed them aside. I dug into the oldest file, spreading out the mess on my desk while I waited for IT to update my computer. It was for a rudder, and it wasn’t anything unusual for an aerospace company. But why would Lawler just toss it into a corner instead of at least looking at it? And why was Acton giving Philip the files to begin with? To add to the mystery, why did Lawler just hand them over to me?
It didn’t matter why, but it mattered that he did. I called a local Chinese restaurant and ordered sesame chicken and crab rangoon for delivery. Lawler handed me an opportunity, just as I asked him to, and I was going to make the most of it.
…
I entered my apartment and kicked off my low heels before I even closed the door. Numbers ran through my head, calculations spun into each other. I’d spent the last half of my day at JenCar working on one file. By the time I had to clock out, it was almost sorted. Almost. And that was just organizing it into something comprehensive. I locked it, along with the other files Lawler entrusted to me, into my filing cabinet. The rudder design bothered me, but I couldn’t figure it out until IT updated the computer. I needed to input the data into the software so I could review it. The IT guy promised to have it done by the next morning so it should be up and running when I returned on Thursday. Until then, there wasn’t anything I could do.
My phone lit up with a text. I smiled when I saw it was from Paige.
Dinner at Three Amigos? I’ll buy.
I immediately responded yes. It had been less than a minute since I hit send when a knock sounded at my door. I turned to answer it.
“Guess you were outside?” I asked when Paige flashed her winning smile. She seemed back to her old self already, but I knew better. Paige wasn’t one to sit around and wallow. She’d rather be out in the world, facing her heartache.
“Nope, I was a block away.” She pushed by me and plopped onto my bed. “I tried to time it so you’d be home already.”
“I just walked in the door.” I turned toward the dresser again and pulled out a pair of jeans and an oversize sweater.
“So how’d it go?” She kicked back, putting her boots on the coffee table and her arms over her chest.
“Meh, let’s talk about it over margaritas and nachos.” I headed toward the bathroom to freshen up and change. It wasn’t like I hadn’t changed my clothes in front of Paige before, but I valued my privacy. I was always grateful that she respected that.
Ten minutes later, I stepped back into the open space and caught Paige with my phone in her hand. “Who’s Seamus?”
I snatched my phone away from her. “Nosy much?”
“Always. Who’s Seamus?” She stood and stretched her arms high over her head. “And does he have a sexy Irish accent?”
I inhaled, hoping a deep cleansing breath would calm me down, but it didn’t. And Paige would keep harassing me until I confessed. “Over margaritas. There’s a lot to discuss there. And no to the accent.”
“Color me intrigued.” She twirled her keys around her finger and grinned. “Let’s go, chica. I’m starving and I need to drown my sorrows in tequila.”
Paige drove, but knowing her desire to chug tequila, I was driving home and she would crash at my place. The last time Jayce had hurt her this bad, she had stayed inebriated for a week. Then he came for her, they worked it out, and the cycle repeated itself. I just hoped she would continue to see what he did to her, how he hurt her, and how bad he was for her.
We settled into our booth and ordered margaritas. Most of the chatter up until the drinks arrived was just mindless bullshit. Anything for both of us to avoid the topics we needed to discuss. Standard procedure in our cases. While I didn’t enjoy any attention drawn to me, Paige clammed up because she hated being miserable. If she didn’t talk about it, the pain didn’t exist. But we could only talk about Mother Nature’s menopausal state for so long. It wasn’t even the end of January and spring had peeked out for a few days but winter stomped it back down. The endless cycle of Iowa weather continued.
“How’d you find out?” I asked. There was no need for discretion or to pussy-foot around it anymore.
Paige sighed as tears welled in her eyes. “He made sure I saw them together.” She stared into the salt rimmed glass of her margarita, probably replaying the moment in her mind. “The shitty thing is he doesn’t understand why I said no. I told him, but he still didn’t get it. He just thinks love is enough.” Finally she stared at me, the hurt of Jayce’s actions all over her face. “It should be.”
“But it’s not?”
“No.” She wiped a fallen tear from her cheek. “If he really loved me, truly loved me, he wouldn’t have jumped into a rebound so damn fast.” Paige reached for a napkin, shredding it into tiny pieces with her chewed nails.
In all the years I’d known her, she’d never had a less-than-perfect manicure. I really looked at her for what felt like the first time in forever. Paige had always been put together but not anymore. Her makeup was on, but it wasn’t smooth and even. Her clothes were slightly wrinkled. Her chocolate hair had no shine and was pulled back into a ponytail. Paige was more of a mess than I realized. I was the worst friend on the planet.
“Do you regret it?” I asked, sliding my own napkin toward her for when she finished shredding hers.
Her head dipped for a minute as she inspected the trash on the table. She reached for the intact napkin and started tearing it apart. “No.” Her hands stilled. “No, I don’t. When I explained why getting married wasn’t a good idea, he blamed you.”
Me? Of course that asshole would blame me. I held my tongue and kept my face even.
“He always blamed you when I disagreed with him. Like I never had a mind of my own.” She pushed the shreds aside and began to drum with her spoon and fork. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. All I’ve been doing is thinking about this. And I mean really think, not just question myself, ya know?”
She waited until I nodded. Because I understood. I’d spent months questioning how my relationship with Henry went wrong, but lately I’d been thinking about how it never really was right.
“He didn’t listen to me. If he had, then he would’ve remembered that I wanted to backpack across Europe. If he had, then he would’ve remembered that I didn’t want to get married until I was thirty. If he had, then he would’ve known that I wanted adventure, fun, a career.” Paige took a long gulp from her margarita. “As much as I love him, I don’t want to marry him. And if I don’t want to marry him, then we shouldn’t be together.”
Paige finished her drink and ordered another. I waited until the waiter left before I gave her my two cents.
“Despite everything I’ve said about Jayce, if you’d said yes, I would’ve supported you. You know that, right?”
Paige reached over and squeezed my hand. “Yeah, I do. But it’s nice to hear.”
I took a sip from my margarita, enjoying the cool lime and tequila sliding down my throat. “Seamus is the guy from the party.”
Paige’s eyes snapped wide. “Seriously? Wait. I thought the guy was Devon Miller.”
“Yep, they’re one and the same. His first name is Seamus, by the way. But…I don’t know. I don’t get it. I don’t get him.” Shaking my head, I realized my own stupidity. “I’m sorry. You don’t want to hear this right now. Not with everything that happened with Jayce.”
“Don’t even go there, chica.” Paige inched forward on her bench. “Hearing that you’re finally moving on from Henry is great. Now, spill. And start from the beginning. Leave nothing out.”
Everything fell out of my mouth like verbal vomit. Once I started I couldn’t stop. I only paused long enough to order my meal, a beef burrito smothered in cheese with salsa and guacamole. Dinner out was not the time to watch what I ate. It was time to drown everything in alcohol and grease. When I finished, Paige stared at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re letting the situation with Henry cloud your judgment of Devon.” She leaned back in her booth, biting the corner of her lip. “You fucked Devon Miller. Twice.”
I cringed at her crassness. “No, we didn’t have sex. I told you that. And you were there when Candy confirmed it.” Then I laughed. “At least not this time.”
Paige joined in. “I still don’t believe that wasn’t a factor in Henry breaking up with you.”
“Henry knew a long time before he broke up with me.” I sighed and held up my finger. The waiter arrived with our food. The melted cheese moved toward the edge of the plate like lava. Exactly what I needed. When he left, I said, “I told Henry after it happened. It was a huge mistake and alcohol induced. He forgave me.”
“Or he said he did.” Paige shoved a tortilla chip filled with meat and cheese into her mouth. “Devon Miller,” she said as if still trying to believe it. “You called him your worst enemy for years. You’ve bitched about how he skates by in classes. I think you even called him a douche-canoe, whatever that means. I never understood why, either.”
“Thanks for reminding me why I should delete his number off my phone.” I pulled it out of my pocket and started to do just that when Paige ripped it from my hand.
“Oh no, you don’t.” She hid it under the table. “You’re overthinking this. Like you do everything else. Why are you so determined to hate him when you clearly want to do the bedroom tango again?”
“You’re a poet, you know,” I said while Paige grinned. “I guess… It was easier to hate him for what happened freshman year than it was to hate myself. And believe me, I hated myself plenty. I just held onto that because…”
“Because why? Be totally honest with yourself and me.” Paige shoved another tortilla chip into her mouth. When I didn’t answer immediately, she rolled her hand in a circle to urge me on.
I’d never admitted this out loud. I’d barely admitted it to myself. “Maybe I wasn’t so drunk when I slept with Devon. Maybe I remember it more than I let on. And…” My face burned as I let the last fake maybe drop. “And maybe it was amazing and perfect and everything I could’ve dreamed about.”
Paige laughed. “So you hate him because he was good in bed? Come on. There’s got to be more.”
“I hate him because…” I shook my head as tears welled in my eyes. “I never hated him. I hated myself for cheating on Henry. I hated myself for losing control like that. I hated myself for liking it so damn much.”
“It’s okay to lose control.”
“Not for me.” I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand.
She inhaled and let the breath out to a count of ten. “Liv, we both have spent our early twenties pining over guys who…well, who aren’t part of our lives anymore. Now, I’m swearing off men until this semester is over, but you have been hiding behind your lost relationship for too damn long. You’re hiding behind the guilt. It’s time to get back on the horse.” Her eyes widened and her mouth curled up. “Or in this case, the cowboy.”
“I don’t think I can trust him,” I said. “He’s hot and cold. When it’s just the two of us, which is rare, he’s sweet. He didn’t even bring my clothes over himself.”
Paige nodded, pursing her lips to keep from laughing. “If he had brought them, you would’ve really freaked out that he was stalking you or something.”
“True.”
“I’m not saying marry the guy. I’m not even saying trust him. But for crying out loud, chica, get to know him.” Paige smiled at the waiter as he sat her third margarita in front of her. “Keep ’em coming.”
He nodded and spared me a glimpse. I shook my head, putting my hand over my drink. One was more than enough for me tonight. Although an entire bottle of tequila might’ve made this conversation easier on my end.
“You could rebound on that guy,” I said, pointing toward the waiter’s butt. “I don’t think he’d mind one bit.”
Paige turned around to watch him walk away. “Probably, but I’m swearing off men, remember? At least for a while. And I’m not ready to just jump into bed with a guy.” She turned back toward me. “However, you need to get laid. Stop being a sixty-year-old retiree and start being a twenty-one-year-old college student. You’ve got the rest of your life to walk the straight and narrow. Take a curve for a change. You might like it.”
Maybe I would. Maybe I wouldn’t. I’d been this responsible person for so long, always doing what was needed of me, always doing what was expected. After Mom died, I had to grow up fast and make sure there was order in our house. How could I just flip a switch and do something as crazy as hop into the sack with a guy I barely knew? How could I let go of the tight control I held over myself?
But how could I not?