Chapter Thirty-One
Paige left with Cody. They played the game of “I want to touch you but I don’t know if you want to touch me” by leaning toward each other. Cody’s hand lifted to her waist a few times, but he dropped it. It was cute. Paige would have to make a move. And knowing her, she’d make it with gusto. So much for her swearing off men.
I waited by her car, leaning against the passenger door and wishing he would come out of the clubhouse. A million plans ran through my head. I had no idea what to say. Each speech that I practiced wasn’t enough. Nothing I could think of to say felt like enough. Every scenario had him walking away from me for the last time. Because if this failed, there wasn’t another chance.
The team came out, still celebrating Devon’s no-hitter. Cody told me that the walk he issued in the seventh inning kept it from being a perfect game. Apparently, that’s the Nobel prize for pitchers. Devon was in the middle of the pack, still smiling, until someone pointed toward me. That smile disappeared. He muttered to his team, some of them more solemn than they should’ve been, and stalked toward me.
My nerves shot to the sky and waved at me. I tried to swallow, but my throat was suddenly drier than Death Valley. I wrung my hands together to keep them from shaking. Devon stopped in front of me, close but not too close.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“Hi,” he replied. We stared at each other for several minutes. I bared my soul through my eyes, hoping he’d just see what I wanted to say. But he didn’t. He stepped back and ran his hand through his still-damp hair. “What’re you doing here, Olivia?”
My steely resolve melted at the sound of my name on his lips. That tough exterior I kept on at all times fell away, revealing how raw I felt. A tear slid from my eye.
“I never told anyone at JenCar that I didn’t know how to find you. It wasn’t me. It was my father. They never asked me.” He shook his head. “I would’ve handed you those letters myself.”
“Lawler said he asked Miller. I never thought…I should’ve trusted you. I’m sorry,” I whispered. It wasn’t enough. I knew it as it passed my lips. It would never be enough.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe it when you said you never told that reporter anything. We tried and failed. Without trust, there’s no point,” he said. Then he turned away from me.
I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I’d failed again. “I do trust you. Don’t you trust me?”
Devon spun around and I collapsed into his embrace, into his kiss. His arm tightened around me, bringing us as close together as we could be with clothes on.
“God, Olivia, what did you do to me?” he asked as he finally broke away. “I’ve been a fucking mess and you show up at my game.”
“I missed you,” I whispered.
He kissed me again. “Can we stop hurting each other? Stop fighting each other? Because this shit is killing me.” His lips traced my jaw.
“Yes.” I moved my hands onto either side of his face so I could stare into his eyes. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” I inhaled deeply for the truth I needed to say to him for months. “But I’m not sorry for loving you.”
His eyes darkened with need. He kissed me like a man drowning in the ocean, desperate to be saved. He reached behind me, opening the door of Paige’s car. I climbed inside as he jogged around the front of the car to the passenger side.
“Your place,” he said as I slipped the car into gear.
His fingers wove into mine, his thumb caressing the palm of my hand. “Faster,” he ordered.
I pushed the speed limit the best I could in The Tank. There was a spot in front of my building. I barely fit the car in and left too much of the rear hanging out. I took Devon’s hand and led him up the stairs to my apartment. Once I closed the door, he spun me around and lifted me, until I had both of my legs wrapped around his waist and he had my back pressed against the door.
When his lips met mine, all the doubt, all the fear, all the unknowns didn’t matter anymore. It was unlike any other time he’d kissed me. He owned me, possessed me. I couldn’t stop feeling the hard planes of his back with my fingers, scratching him when his lips found a spot pushing me closer to the edge.
“Seamus,” I moaned as he nipped at my ear. “Please.”
My back left the door as he carried me to my bed, lying me on my back. In moments our clothes were gone, we were lost in one another. I let myself feel, I let myself fall into the need and desire of just being with him. I allowed my walls to stay down as he stared into my eyes while we made love. Because this wasn’t just sex, this was so much more. This was us becoming us.
“I told you I’d get you to scream my name.” He kissed my forehead.
“That you did.” I ran my hand down his bare chest. “Twice.”
Devon pulled the quilt over my shivering body. “Do you know how beautiful you are?”
I touched his cheek and brought his mouth to mine again. Would I ever get enough of this man?
“I meant what I said,” I whispered against his lips. “I love you, Seamus.”
“I love how you say my name.” He kissed me harder, filling me with his tongue. “Say it again.”
“I love you,” I whispered between breaths. “Seamus.”
“Never stop saying that.” He pulled me on top of him. “Never stop fighting with me, too. Because that shit turns me on.”
I smiled, because I was finally happy except for one thing. He hadn’t said it back. Yeah, he’d said it in a roundabout way at Stockade, but maybe that was just his way of making me feel guilty about everything. Maybe I felt more for him than he felt for me. That thought set me off; tears slipped down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” Alarm rose in his voice.
I had to tell him the truth because that was the only way to talk to him now. “I just… You don’t love me.” His eyes widened. “It’s okay. I…get it. You don’t feel the same—”
“Are you crazy?” He sat up, wrapping me into his arms as I sobbed into his shoulder. “Why would you even think that?”
“You haven’t said it. I sound like an idiot. I’m sorry. I just thought…” I loved the feel of his body against mine and this was probably the last time I’d know that feeling. He didn’t love me, and I wasn’t going to be with him just for the amazing sex. I needed more from him. I needed all of him.
“God, I keep fucking this up.” He lifted my chin and met my gaze. “I do love you, Olivia. I love you more than anything in the world. And I want to spend every waking minute with you. I want to see you in the stands at my games. I want you to challenge me in class. I want you in every aspect of my life. I need you in my life.”
Everything I’d felt, everything I’d just said disappeared. I kissed him, knowing I’d found someone who would stand by me in the long run. No matter where our paths took us.
“That’s good,” I said. “Because I really need you to challenge me. I need you to keep me from being someone I’m not.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever.”
I settled into the bed beside him, snuggling against his bare chest. This was what I wanted. I finally relaxed. I finally had someone I could really trust.
And damn he was sexy.
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