Exposed: A Romantic Comedy
Prologue
“Another round ladies?”
“Yes, one more I think!”
“Damn Zoe, I thought the last one was the LAST one!”
“Oh shut up Kaleigh, tomorrow is Sunday and I’m fully prepared to spend my day curing a hangover.”
I laugh, shrug and take a sip of my martini. The girl has a point. All I plan on doing is lounging in my pjs and ordering take out.
“Now, back to what I was saying…” Sarah slaps her hand on the table. “I’ve been in this city for a few weeks now and someone hasn’t been on one date. I mean it’s San Francisco, there are plenty of men out there.”
Zoe laughs as Sarah gives me a pointed look. “If you and my brother don’t drop it already…” I reply, annoyed.
“Hey I did meet my fiancé here, so she has a point.”
I roll my eyes. “Zoe, you are one of the lucky ones, Scott is amazing. I mean he made partner at his firm, he’s sweet and gorgeous. Count your blessings girl and just hold on to that one. My dating history is horrid.”
Kaleigh looks at me curiously, “What do you mean? You write romance, it can’t be that bad.”
I nearly choke on my drink from laughing. Sarah shakes her head. “Well...she has had some bad dates...but that’s everyone.”
“Sarah...some!?” The waiter brings us our round and I take a big gulp of my drink, nearly emptying the glass. “Remember T-Rex!?” Her face falls in defeat. Yeah...don’t tell me ‘some’, I know my life thank you.
“Wait...T-Rex?” Kaleigh and Zoe say in unison.
I sigh, “Yes...the worst date of my life. WORST, that was my last time on Tinder, let me tell you.”
“Sounds like we need a shot and you to spill it sister.” Zoey says and before anyone can protest she has the bartender at our table and we’re all downing some sort of fruity alcohol.
“Okay.” I cave because I know they will not leave me alone until I tell them about T-Rex...or Tom as he is known to everyone else.
“So, I matched with this guy online and he seemed nice enough, semi cute, at least in pictures and we had some things in common, so after talking for a bit, I met him for drinks. I told my friend Stephanie to be on standby if I needed an out and thank God she was, because I did. First of all he was boring and I was ready to leave twenty minutes in, but I wasn’t going to, then I realized shortly after he was just weird!”
“Come on Raimey. Are you sure you weren’t just being picky!?” Kaleigh interjects.
“I asked myself that, but no I wasn’t. He was just something else. I’m not kidding! The man couldn’t tell me anything about himself without saying ‘fun fact’.” I use my fingers to make air quotes and Kaleigh bursts into laughter, so loud the table near us gives us questionable looks.
I bury my face in my hands and hide my embarrassment. “Anywaayyy…” I continue. “For example, he said ‘ oh and another fun fact about me, I have T-Rex arms.’ Yes he told me himself that he had T-Rex arms. I hadn’t even noticed his arms, he was too busy creeping me out with his talking. But, once he pointed it out, I couldn't stop looking at them. I texted Stephanie and told her ‘code red’ and to save my ass; or at least join us at the bar so I didn’t have to be rude. So, I tell him she messaged me and is meeting us after all.
I swear I’ll never go on a blind date or online date ever again. To top it off, he tells me before Steph gets there that actually he has a house party to go to, so ‘he can’t stay’, but if I wanted to join him, I’m more than welcome; but it’s with a bunch of guys. Finally, after a few more agonizing minutes Steph gets there and he orders her a drink even though she politely protested to pay for it herself. Then he leaves and says to text him if I decide to join.
I was planning on texting him after Steph and I finished our drink, telling him that I was tired...but when I think the disaster is over, I head to the bathroom and when I go to wash my hands I sit my phone on the dryer. It falls off, shattering my digitizer, so the screen is completely black, therefore I have to drive home with no phone.”
The girls burst out laughing and Zoe has tears rolling down her cheeks. “Okay, I’ll give it to you, that’s pretty bad, but it makes for a hilarious story.”
“Yeah...mhm. Sure does. Not.” I finish my martini. “That’s not even the end of it,” I continue and they stop laughing and wait for me to go on.
“So, I get home, switch to a spare phone and when I turn it on I have seven text messages from him. I’m about to text him sorry and explain, but I read his first. The first one asking if I was coming. Then he proceeded to degrade me, telling me ‘I used him for free drinks for me and my friend.’ That I was ‘a whore and to go fuck myself.’”
Zoe’s mouth drops in shock and I nod, “Wow.”
“Oh, yeah.” I say. “After that I decide to tell him to fuck off, that I broke my phone and just got home to use my old one. That I couldn’t text him at the bar because I didn’t have his number memorized and I was in the process of texting him that and apologizing, but I actually didn't want a second date anyway. Also, to never text me again. So, he sends me a few more messages saying he could do better, that I was boring and when I stop responding he says ‘you wouldn't know intelligence even if you had Einstein’s dick in your mouth.” I raise my eyebrows and shrug.
I told them but no they didn’t believe me, they better now.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Kaleigh exclaims.
I shake my head. “Nope, couldn’t fucking make that shit up if I tried. Like I said, worst dating history ever. So, let’s drop it okay? I love my life right now, you guys are all I need. That and sleep. The bar closes soon let’s head home.”
The girls agree and we sit a few minutes longer while waiting for our Ubers.
“You know…” Sarah says as we walk outside to get in our rides, “Maybe you just need to sign up for The Bachelor or Bachelorette.”
I laugh, “Are you serious? Please tell me you’re fucking with me right now. That is insane. I wouldn’t even make it to auditions probably, you have to be either a model or have a high paying, first class type of job to be on that show. Plus ninety percent of the ‘couples’ end up splitting up before the episodes even air. Go home Sarah, you’re drunk.” She goes to get in the car and rolls her eyes at me.
“I’m just saying getting paid to be on a tv show and possibly finding love. I don’t see the negative side here, even if it ends you we’re on TV.” With that she waves and gets in her car, leaving me astonished that she thinks that's even slightly a good idea.
I head home, wash my face, put on my favorite sweats and crawl in bed. I text the girls the Uber got me home safely and that I’ll talk to them tomorrow. Thank God tomorrow is Sunday and all I have to do is lay around watching sappy chick flicks like the hopeless romantic that I am, while sipping on some coffee and maybe I’ll work on some stories for my column. I roll over, exhausted and a bit drunk because I’m a lightweight and Zoe apparently wanted to give me alcohol poisoning tonight. I should take some ibuprofen, but I’m too comfy and sleepy to move. I’ll regret this decision tomorrow when I’m hung-over, but right now all I want to do is shut off the world for a bit.