Holding On To
Hope
Mystique Roberts
Copyright © 2018 Mystique Roberts
All rights reserved. No parts of this publication or any portion thereof may be used, reproduced, or transmitted in any matter whatsoever without express written permission of the author. The only exception is the use of brief quotations for a review and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, organizations, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously to provide authenticity. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead or events is entirely coincidental.
Except for original material written by the author, all songs, and song titles within this book are property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.
Cover Design: Mystique Roberts
Cover Image: Shutterstock and Deposit Photos
Interior Design and Formatting: Mystique Roberts
Copy Editing: Mystique Roberts
ISBN: 1548806498
ISBN-13: 978-1548806491
“After I spent what felt like eternity drowning, you taught me how to breathe.” - Unknown
PROLOGUE
ONE YEAR AGO
Hope:
My eyes dart between the gorgeous trees, the river flowing below me, and the many different lodging areas throughout the hills, as the late summer breeze gently blows over my face - causing my dark hair to swirl with the wind. Sitting at the table outside of the winery with Josh and his family, I’m trying to take in the scenery around me. Everything is perfect. The weekend is perfect. I had no idea what to expect, but it surpassed any expectations I could have had. When Josh first called me Thursday and asked me to join him at his family reunion in Grafton, Illinois, I decided to be spontaneous and go. It’s a four day weekend and I was wondering what the hell I was going to do since he would be out of town anyway. At first I wasn’t sure if I should be so readily available, but I told myself to not overthink for once and go have fun. So, I packed a bag and left. Damn, I’m glad I did.
I’ve never been to Pere Marquette State Park, but I’ve heard Grafton is beautiful. I was so excited to have a weekend away with him, but extremely nervous to see his whole family. We talked and laughed the whole ride, while I tried to calm the butterflies that were going crazy in my stomach. Every time he reached over to grab my hand, rub my thigh or put his arm around me it was like electricity jolted through me. I knew I liked Josh a lot, but lately my feelings were growing and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I was falling for this man. I was terrified, because I still wasn’t sure how he felt, but I couldn’t control my heart.
At first I was nervous meeting everyone, but they made me feel welcome almost immediately, which made me want Josh and I to work out even more.
“Hope and Josh, scooch in and smile.” I hear Josh’s mom say and it brings me out of my daze.
I smile genuinely as she takes our picture, freezing this moment in time. I mentally take my own picture, capturing everything; the people, the trees, the conversations and every feeling running through me, wanting to keep this moment frozen forever.
My phone rings at work and I growl in frustration as it interrupts my daydream. It’s four fifty. Can’t whatever this person needs wait until Monday? I answer and luckily, it’s just the receptionist letting me know she has emailed me over the delivery tickets I needed. I thank her, hang up and drift back to my memories from Grafton. I smile, remembering the trip. In a few minutes my weekend will start. It has been a week from hell in the accounting world and I’m definitely looking forward to a few days off. I have class tonight first, but after that a weekend with Josh just relaxing is definitely what the doctor ordered. We’ve been seeing each other for about six months now. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. I really wasn’t looking for anything and was focusing on my climbing the corporate ladder, when here he came walking into my life. I guess the saying is true; people come into your life when you need them. Well, the saying is something like that. All I know is, he came to me at just the right time.
Although, I was nervous to let him in and move too quickly at first, I have finally gotten comfortable with where we are. I have never been able to be my complete self around anyone else like I can be with him. I’ve always been the girl who conforms herself to fit other people’s wants or needs, even in platonic friendships or with family. With Josh it was completely different. We just naturally clicked.
I am changing when I hear my phone beep, checking it I see a text from Josh, and excitement flutters in my belly.
“Hey, I know we planned on you coming over tomorrow for the weekend, but would you want to stop by after class? I just wanted to run something by you.”
I smile, I’m happy to see him, but part of me is curious as to what he wants to talk about.
“Sure, it won’t be until around eight-ish though, is that okay?
He responds immediately.
“Sounds good. See you then. Drive safe!”
I grab all of my school stuff and go ahead and grab a change of clothes along with my overnight bag just in case. I normally stay the night if I don’t have to work the next day. After a long drawn out class, I head to Josh’s. I knock on the door, anxious to see him, but my mood changes when he answers with a solemn look on his face.
“Hey, come in,” he says quietly.
I follow him to the living room and sit on the opposite end of the couch.
“How was class?” He asks with a small smirk on his face.
“It was okay; just glad my weekend can officially start. Also, that I only have one semester left after this.”
He nods and then looks to the ground and back to me, with the same somber expression he’s had since I walked in. “Look, the last few months with you have been great. I-” He stutters, unsure of his words. “I am not sure what to say and I don’t want to hurt you.”
He cuts off and my heart begins to race while my stomach churns with each word he speaks. I can tell quickly that this isn’t where I thought my weekend would be going, and it’s taking everything I have to hold in the tears I feel forming.
“This is not at all anything you did or didn’t do; I just think it would be best if we didn’t do this anymore. I just thought I could do this and I can’t. I’m not ready to date. You are great, I just need to be single and work on myself. I am so sorry; I really want us to still be friends. I just don’t want you to get more attached.”
He says the words so quickly it’s like they all come out with one breath. He exhales and slowly looks up to meet my eyes. My chest physically hurts as my heart feels like it is shattered to a million pieces. I feel like I am going to be sick and now there is nothing I can do to hold the tears back.
“Seriously? It’s been over a year since you and your ex. I understand she hurt you, but we’ve been together six months Josh. Just a few days ago you were talking about planning a vacation together and now you’re just done? What I’m not keeping your interest anymore? I’m not her? I don’t fucking understand. Also, clearly you know how I feel about you. So no, I don’t want to be…no I can’t just be your friend.”
“Please don’t cry.” He pleads as he reaches to wipe a tear from my face.
I swat his hand away and glare at him.
“What do you mean don’t cry? I’m sorry that you are taking me by complete surprise and breaking my heart right now. What do you expect me to do? Laugh? No, I can’t listen to this, I’m leaving.”
I stand to leave and he grabs my arm.
“Please don’t leave yet. Especially being upset. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t you think this hurts me? It does. I like you Hope, but I just can’t be what you want me to be right now.”
I look at him like he is crazy, because right now he sounds like it.
“Oh yeah, you’re really upset.” I gesture towards his blank expression. “I understand not being ready and all, but I just don’t get how you decide that after this long. If it were someone else, or you just didn’t have feelings for me anymore I’d understand. It would hurt just as bad, but this I just don’t get. What did I do? What about all the things you told me? You knew how against this whole relationship I was from the beginning. You told me to let my guard down and let you in. You promised me you wouldn’t hurt me. You promised me a lot of things. Well…you broke those promises, because this fucking hurts.”
I am crying loudly now, I can’t even hold it in.
“You’re right, I am. I’m sorry, Hope. I’m so sorry. I just think it will be better this way. I’m serious, I still want to be friends. I just...I think I need to be alone. There is no one else; I don’t even want to date. I promise, and if it ever comes to a time I do feel ready to date I will tell you.” I interject.
“I am not going to just sit here and wait for you, Josh! I won’t be just sitting around waiting for you to be ready for me. Not after everything. Don’t give me some bullshit line about not being ready. I’m worth more than that. You took me to meet your whole family. You met mine. I know it hasn’t been that long, but you just, you-”
I can’t say it, no matter how much I want to. I can’t tell him that he made me fall in love with him, not now.
“I know, Hope. I am so, sorry. You are a wonderful person. Hell, I don’t take just anyone to meet my family. I really thought I was ready for this relationship, I’m just not.”
My heart sinks, I can’t take anymore. I’m can't sit here and look like an idiot fighting for someone who doesn’t want me. I need to leave, but I can’t get my feet to move. As much as my brain is telling me to go right now, my heart is pleading with me to stay and reason with him. It’s begging me not to move; partly to get an answer as to why, and partly because I’m terrified if I walk out this door right now, it will be the last time I see him.
“Sure… whatever you say Josh. I just… I don’t understand and I’m hurt. This took me by complete surprise. I’m going to head home.”
I sigh in defeat as the nauseating feeling residing in my stomach grows. I don’t know how much longer I can make it without getting sick.
“Hope, I really am sorry. I truly want to still be friends. I’ll text you tomorrow okay?”
He keeps saying “I’m sorry,” and at this point I don’t know if it’s for his own benefit or mine.
I know I can’t handle just being his friend, but the thought of him being out of my life completely is devastating to think about. This hurts so God damned much I don’t know how I will make it stop. I turn and walk to the door.
“Please stop crying. Please.” I hear him plead behind me.
“Stop.” I say sternly, anger now overriding my pain. I turn to get one last look at him, trying to tell my heart it will all work out, but I really don’t know if it will. “Just… stop. I heard you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow if you text. Just make sure you are honest with how you feel to the next girl you date, because you sure as hell weren’t honest with me.”
I can’t help but wrap my arms around him one last time and squeeze tight. I know I’m showing weakness, but I needed the feeling of his arms around me one last time.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers again.
I let go and hastily walk to the door, holding any more tears I have in until I reach my car. I have never felt like this before. I feel like part of me just broke. I feel empty. I drive home in silence contemplating what I’m going to do with my life now. All the thoughts I had in my head earlier come back to mind and the pain intensifies. Why am I not good enough? What don’t I have? I really thought he was the one. Why bring him in my life just to tear him away just when I let him in?
I have no answers, just a million new questions. I don’t know where I will go from here. I had a plan, and now nothing about it feels right. After a few minutes of contemplating my adult life up until this moment, it hits me. I decide right then that every plan I had is going to be adjusted. I need a drastic change in my life. I need something different and something so big that it erases this pain. I know it won't be easy, but I don’t ever want to feel this way again.