Thankfully, Ian didn’t ask what else Bruce’s girlfriend, Veronica, said to me. What I told him was the worst of it. Those are some mean girls, that’s for sure. I knew I should’ve been wary of what they said because I know Ian so well, but after the kissing and groping session at his house, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any truth to it.
He made me feel better and then kissed the hell out of me before sending me on my merry way.
And now, I’m almost certain Dad thinks I only came to see Ian. Why? Because the next day when I ask if I can hang out with Ian, he tells me I have to be home by dinner. He does the same thing the following day. Basically, I can only see Ian while Dad is at work.
For Ian to say he didn’t invite me here for sex, things keep heading in that direction. It’s my own fault, too! I kiss him first each time and then he takes over and we go a little further than the last time. I would love for my first time to be with Ian, but I don’t know if I want it to be now. I’m not sure that I’m ready. When we’re kissing and he’s touching me, I’m totally ready, but when we’re not, that’s when I second-guess everything. Therefore, I’m in a constant state of confusion.
It doesn’t help that he’s also started calling me babe. It’s not as often as gorgeous, but he’s said it at least once a day. I melt every time. It’s crazy. We’re just friends who kiss and he calls me gorgeous and babe. Insanity, I’m telling you.
He’s the only one who’s capable of thinking enough to pull away. Yesterday, after Ian stopped one of these kissing and groping sessions, he decided we should leave the house. He took me to town and showed me around. It was nice to see some of the places that he would mention hanging out. Next time he talks about it, I’ll be able to picture it in my head with better accuracy.
Today, we’re exchanging Christmas presents because tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Dad has already told me I won’t see Ian at all over the next two days. This is our last day together because I have to be at the airport first thing the day after Christmas to go home. It’s too soon. I’ve been sad all day because I don’t want to leave. This was a bad idea to come see him. It’s been better than last time.
“Are you ready for this?”
My heart hammers in my chest as I glance over at Ian. We’re lying in his bed on top of the covers, and my first thought is that he’s talking about sex. But no, Ian is holding up a small present that he just plucked from his nightstand drawer.
“Do you wrap them yourself?” I blurt out.
He laughs. “Yeah. Do you want to open our presents now?”
“Yeah, I guess. Grab yours.” I set his down on the floor at the foot of the bed earlier. Ian grabs it after handing over my present and the pair of scissors I’ll need to get it open. “You first,” I say. He flashes me a quick grin before ripping into the paper. I had to save all of the birthday money from this year in order to buy his present, so I really hope he likes it.
He opens the box and his eyes widen as he pulls out the jersey of his favorite hockey team. You can customize the back, so I put his name and current number there. His dream is to play professionally. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen since I know nothing about sports, especially hockey, and because Ian talks like it’s extremely difficult to make it. He makes it sound like it’s a far-fetched dream instead of something that could actually happen.
“Babe,” he whispers in awe. “This is the best present ever.”
I shrug off his comment. “I figured it could be a good motivator for what you want.”
He nods in agreement and then leans over to kiss me. He nearly tackles me, really. But just before he’s about to kiss a moan out of me, he pulls away. “Your turn.”
Right. I have a present, too. I unwrap it to find another piece of jewelry. “What is it with you and jewelry?” I curiously ask.
“You don’t like it?”
I quickly look up at him because Ian sounds nervous. “No, I do, but you’ve given me four presents and three are jewelry. Was curious as to why.”
Ian shrugs. “I don’t know why.” He’s quiet as I pull the bracelet from the box. It’s gold, like the rest of the jewelry he’s given me. Instead of a chain, it’s a bunch of infinity symbols interlocked with one another. “Because our relationship is infinite,” he explains.
Swoon.
Wordlessly, I hold out my arm and he clasps the bracelet around my wrist. “I’ll never take it off,” I promise.
His fingers graze over it before looking up at me. Ian pushes my hair out of the way to see my necklace, letting his fingers trail over it as well. Then, he leans down to lift my pants leg, pushes down my sock, and there’s the anklet.
“I think I buy jewelry because I hoped you would wear it all the time, and you do. It’s like there’s a part of me that’s always with you even though I’m not. That’s stupid, isn’t it?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. That’s why I wear it.”
Ian smiles. Once again, I think about how I won’t see him for who knows how long after today. He throws our trash onto the floor, carefully sets his jersey on the floor as well, and then pulls me into his arms as we lie down again.
“I’m going to miss you,” he says.
“I already miss you.”
That makes him laugh. “I was going to say that, but didn’t think it would make sense.”
“It does.” I sigh and decide we should pick another topic. “Have you picked out a college?”
“Yeah. I actually had quite a few scholarship offers.”
“That’s great. How did you decide?”
“I went with the one with the best hockey program.”
Of course. “When do you think we’ll see each other again?” I whisper. I can’t stop thinking about it. Going a year didn’t seem all that hard, but now that I’ve spent even more time with him, going another year before I see him sounds horrible.
Ian sighs. “I don’t know, Sydney. Something will work out.”
“Will you go to college and forget about me?”
He interlocks our fingers and wiggles our hands, which makes my bracelet shift on my wrist. “That’s a ridiculous question considering the present I just gave you and what it means.”
Well, that makes me feel bad for asking, but I’m worried.
“Look at me, gorgeous.” I lift my head as requested. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t ever want to lose you. High school, college, or a career won’t change that.”
That’s exactly what I wanted him to tell me. Hearing it catapults me forward to kiss him. See? It’s almost always me who starts it. Things are simple at first. We’re kissing. But you can never just kiss Ian Rhett. He’s magnetic, a fantastic kisser, and he makes you crave more. Any touch from him weakens me. His hand travels up my back, pulling me into him. I move even closer to deepen the kiss.
When Ian pulls away slightly, I’m disappointed.
“Be my first,” he whispers.
My mouth parts and I stare into those green eyes. Never did I think there would be a conversation. I figured it would either happen or it wouldn’t, but I didn’t think we would talk before it did or didn’t happen.
“If you’re ready and you want to be,” he adds.
“Now?” I dumbly ask.
“Now would be fucking awesome, but it can be whenever it is we see each other again, if you’re ready then.”
“You’d wait?”
“That’s what I said.”
Wow. I can’t believe that. Especially since he’ll be going to college next year. What if we don’t see each other before then? He’ll be surrounded by college girls. Who can resist that? Plus, according to Bruce’s girlfriend, he’s already been tempted by girls here. But Ian is saying he wants his first time to be with me, even if he has to wait for me to be ready.
I think my mind and heart just exploded.
My choices are to lose my virginity today or wait until whenever it is we’ll see each other again. I do believe that we will find a way to see one another some day in the future, but I don’t know how soon or how far away that will be. Ian is calmly watching me as I sort all of this out in my head. Before this moment, I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but now?
I can’t imagine saying no.
“Be my first,” I echo what he said. “Today,” I add.
The first thing Ian does is kiss me quickly and then pull away to remove his shirt. My breathing shallows. I’ve never seen this much of him. Oh, my goodness. I’m about to see much more, too. Ian reaches into his nightstand and I spot a box of condoms. My eyes widen. He has an entire box of condoms waiting in his nightstand? Which is good because I hadn’t even thought about protection and I’m not on birth control because I haven’t had that conversation with my mom yet. But an entire box?
Things are suddenly so much more real.
“Don’t get any ideas, babe. My dad bought these for me months ago because he thought I would need them, but I didn’t. Box hasn’t even been opened yet. I may be horny, but I’m not a horny idiot.”
I’m thankful because it’s quite obvious that between the two of us, I’m the horny idiot.
My hands start shaking. God, I can’t believe this is about to happen. What is it going to be like? What is he going to look like? What will he think when he sees me naked? Why does it have to be daylight because now we can’t do it in the dark! Is it going to hurt? How badly?
Ian tosses the condom on the bed and grabs my hands, squeezing them. “Are you sure, Sydney?”
“Yeah. Just nervous.”
He kisses my forehead. “Me too. Do you know how not to be?” We move so I’m on my back and he starts kissing my neck.
“How?”
“We’re going to kiss for a long time, until you can relax and you’re comfortable and ready. But if you change your mind, say so. That’s totally cool, too. I wasn’t expecting this today. And we’ll go slow.” His hands are on my hips, but he’s not trying to take my shirt off yet.
Relaxing into his pillows, I take a deep breath. “Then kiss me.”
Ian grins and a moment later, his mouth is pressing against mine. Ian keeps his word. We kiss until my body is writhing under him. My shirt disappears and we kiss some more. Ian’s pants and underwear are next to go. For a long time, I’m speechless because it’s too much. Too much skin, too much to see, too much to feel. And I’m feeling it because Ian grabs my hand and with his over mine, we stroke him.
I didn’t even know people could groan like that! He curses frequently and before I know what’s happening, he’s come all over our hands and my stomach. My brain short-circuits. Ian looks a little embarrassed as he cleans us up with his T-shirt, and then we’re back to kissing again. I’m the one who ends up pushing my pants and panties off. Ian seemed to be in heaven for those few seconds when he was coming. I want that. And I want to feel him more than I just did.
“Gorgeous, babe,” he whispers once I’m completely naked. “Always gorgeous.” His hand moves between my legs and sounds start to come out of my mouth that are embarrassing. Ian shakes his head. “Relax and stop thinking.” He freezes. “Unless you want to stop?”
I shake my head vigorously. “Keep going.”
His fingers do things to me that I’ve never done to myself. Sure, we’ve messaged back and forth and I would tell him I was touching myself, but I was lying. I was too embarrassed, which is stupid considering what we were saying to each other, but it’s what happened.
Then, everything stops. I gulp as Ian puts the condom on. He settles between my legs and looks at me. My head is nodding before he can ask the question. I want this more than anything. It’s already more amazing than I thought it could be. There will be no regrets.
“You’re an idiot,” Carey and Logan say simultaneously.
My shoulders slump. We’re holed up in my room and I just revealed that I had sex with Ian three times, each time better than the last. The last time was dangerous, though. We had just finished when we heard a car door slam shut. His dad was home from work. We had to hurry to dress and then Ian had to take me home. How I didn’t cry when we said our goodbyes, I don’t know.
“Why?” I ask.
“He obviously only wanted you to come to have sex,” Logan says.
“No, he didn’t. Even if he did, I wanted it too. What’s so wrong about that?”
“You’ve met him twice,” Carey points out.
“But we talk every single day!” Why does everyone keep ignoring that? It matters. It makes a difference. Suddenly pissed off that they don’t see Ian the way I do, I say, “If you can’t be semi-supportive, or at least have a good reason, then don’t say anything at all.”
They are quiet for so long that I’m positive they aren’t going to say anything else.
“Was it good? Was he good to you?” Carey finally asks.
“Yes to both. He was perfect.” I look at Logan with a glare. “He gave me a bazillion chances to change my mind and tell him to stop.”
“So, what now?” Logan asks.
I shrug. “Nothing. We’re the same as always. Just friends.” That’s all we can be right now. I want more at some point, but I don’t know when that will be. What we have now is enough for the time being. Even if it’s not, it has to be. We have no choice.
“Is he going to try to see you again?” Carey follows up.
“Yeah, but we don’t know when yet.”
“This is weird, Syd,” Logan says. “Y’all obviously like each other, but you can’t be together. He lives in another state. You lost your virginity to him. You’re with him without being with him. It’s almost like an open relationship.”
I frown. I do not like that comparison at all, and I hate that it seems to be the one that truly fits if you ignore that we’re supposed to be only friends. All I can do is wait until we’re older and hope things will change then.