Chapter 20
Lissa let herself into the tiny house and locked the door, even though she knew Tank—or probably any of them—could tear this place apart if they wanted to.
It was a chilling thought. For a few minutes tonight, sitting around the fire, things had felt so right here, even with Tank keeping his distance.
And then there was blood and anger and the broken shards of people’s lives, reaching out to tear new wounds in all of them.
She turned on the lights, trying to recapture her delight in the place, but all she could see was Tank’s bear face, contorted in pain and fury. She hoped he would be all right, that he would come back and be his sweet, funny, caring self. Not a bloodthirsty grizzly.
It’s not like you’re any better, a voice said inside her mind. Your bear is a killer, too.
She shivered. When her bear finally came out, would that be her one day? Battling the others in the crew to try to forget all the things she’d seen and done?
Lissa brushed her teeth and put on the t-shirt that Tank had given her to sleep in. It came down to her knees, but it smelled faintly like him, which was comforting. She climbed up into the loft and snuggled in under the covers. Through the skylight, she could see the Great Bear wheeling through the sky, and she fell asleep watching it.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Lissa woke with a sudden start. Something was different—she could sense it. Something important.
She tiptoed down the steps and stood in the center of the tiny house, listening.
She could hear something at the front—a soft, snuffling sound. She moved as silently as she could to the front window, moving the curtain just enough to see out.
Curled up at the foot of the front steps was a giant grizzly bear. He was asleep, snuffling softly every now and then, as if he were dreaming.
Protecting her. Keeping her safe.
She watched him for a long time. He moved restlessly, emitting little growls. Not as if he were angry, but…
As if he were in pain.
The idea hurt her, somewhere inside that was beyond thought, that acted on pure instinct.
Moving softly, she unlocked the door and stepped outside.
The night was cold, frost touching the grass. Everything in the compound was still. Lissa shivered in her night clothes, but she could feel the warmth of the huge bear a few feet away, like a great furry furnace.
He whimpered in his sleep.
Slowly, slowly, Lissa crept over and sat down on the steps. He had his back to her, his huge bulk right up against the stairs, looming over her. His fur looked soft.
She reached out and put her hand against his back. The whimpering stopped.
His fur was coarse on top and soft underneath. She moved her hand, petting him softly, like he was a fragile hummingbird instead of a deadly brawler. The snuffling quieted, and she felt his big body relax.
Somewhere inside her, a small rational part of her said this was crazy. But she couldn’t help herself—she felt pulled to the bear by a force she couldn’t understand or deny. She leaned against him, inhaling his earthy scent, reveling in his warmth and strength.
The Protector. Too scared to be close to her, too broken. But he still couldn’t help himself. He’d come here to make sure she was safe, that no one could get in her den and harm her.
She sat there for a long time, trying to sense what he needed from her. He’d shown her his true self, wild and sweet and terrified and strong.
She couldn’t show him her bear, but she could share something with him.
“I’m sorry I upset you tonight,” she said into the night. “I was—I was—” This was harder than she thought it would be. She talked a lot, but she never revealed her vulnerability. That was death on the street, and it had become so ingrained in her that her “I’m okay” armor had become a part of her.
But for some reason, things were different with Tank. She’d known him such a short time, but she already knew that. He wasn’t some temporary boyfriend who was interchangeable with all her other boyfriends—the least crazy in a world of crazies.
He was the first one who made her want more. He might not be able to give it to her, but he never would if she didn’t let him in. Maybe now would be a good time to practice—when he was asleep and couldn’t hear her.
Maybe on some level he’d feel it.
“I was scared, and I was hurt,” she said finally, in a low whisper. “What we did in the shower felt like more than just sex. I felt—for the first time in maybe ever, I felt like someone really cared about me. That you saw me for who I was, and you liked that.”
Lissa paused, trying to push words past her uncomfortable feelings. It was so hard to open up, even when she was basically talking to herself. “Then you got distant, and wouldn’t talk to me, and I felt so alone. Ashamed, and stupid, like I should have seen that you didn’t really want to be with me like that.”
She took a deep breath. “I see now that I was pushing you, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. This is all new and scary for me, and I needed…I don’t know. I needed to feel like I mattered—me, Lissa. Not Lissa the problem bear.” That was part of it, but not all of it. “I needed you,” she whispered. “And I know you don’t need me the same way, and that scares the hell out of me.”
She was petting the bear as she talked, loving the feel of his warm fur. Suddenly the fur rippled under her hand. She sat back, startled, hearing the cracking of bones, and then Tank sat in front of her, his back to her and his knees drawn up to his chest, as if he were trying to disappear.
“Tank?” she whispered. She reached out and touched his broad, muscular back, as warm as the bear. He’d been listening to her after all. How much had he heard?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, not raising his head. “I almost hurt you. I came so close to clawing you when I Changed. You could have been killed, and I couldn’t stop myself in time.”
Lissa inched forward and laid her head on his back, her hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t, though,” she said. “You didn’t hurt me. And then you came back to protect me.”
He nodded. After a long silence, he said, “I’m sorry I made you feel ashamed. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just…liking you brings up all these other feelings and thoughts and memories, and I thought I could handle it all but I can’t. You get my bear upset, but he can’t stay away from you either. I just want to feel…” He shook his head, forehead still on his knees. “I don’t even know.”
He wanted to feel safe, and normal, and strong, and brave.
Lissa stroked his back. “Come inside,” she said. “Come inside and sleep next to me. I need you to make me feel safe.”
She couldn’t believe she was asking an out-of-control grizzly shifter to sleep next to her, but somehow it felt right.
He took a few deep breaths, and then he nodded. “Okay.”
She rose to her feet, and Tank got up too, looking unutterably weary. As Lissa turned to go into the house, she caught a glimpse of a white shape rising from the shadows at the edge of the forest.
A white leopard. Sloan. He’d been out here too, watching, making sure she and Tank were both okay, ready to step in if something went wrong.
He gazed at her for a moment, his eyes shining in the dark. Then he dipped his head once, as if in approval, before ghosting off into the night.
Lissa led Tank back into the tiny house and climbed up into the loft. She slid under the covers and waited, and after a moment’s hesitation Tank slid in behind her. He wrapped both arms around her, cuddling her against his chest, and let out a long sigh.
Warmth spread through her, and she fell asleep surrounded by the scent of fur and sunlit forest.