Joyce
It’s been a long time since I felt comfortable around another person. Oh, I’m not talking about my bosses or clients. That’s not what I mean. Casa, Fee, and Lyon are all incredible bosses. They’re the best. They’re always around when I need someone to talk to and they’ve never shied away from the hard talks. When I’m lonely or scared or hurting, they’re there for me. They’ve never been afraid to address the big issues with me or call me out on my crap, and I love that about our relationships.
My clients are just as fantastic. I’m always hugging people and holding them while they cry. Getting legal care can be surprisingly dramatic for some people. Still, I love the touch and the companionship and the comfort there. I love interacting with people.
But it has been a very, very long time since I felt comfortable around a man romantically, and it’s all because of Logan Smith.
I don’t want to think about him anymore or worry about what happened in the past. The important thing is to move forward, right? The important thing is to move forward and to have a good, happy life. The important thing is that I focus on growing as a person and not on communicating my needs, expectations, and desires to any guy I might meet in the future.
Yeah, that’s what I should be worried about.
But I’m not.
I’m still thinking of him.
I’m still thinking of everything that happened, everything that was said. I’m still thinking of the way he smelled after a shower and how he held me in bed. I’m still thinking of the moments he was normal, the times he was mine, and the times when he seemed to become someone else entirely.
And I’m thinking of everything that came after.
And I’m wondering if it’s my fault.
I should have known something was wrong, should have suspected Logan wasn’t who he said he was. I should have had some sort of sixth sense. I should have been able to stop everything.
I didn’t.
And now I can’t stop trying to figure out where to go from here.
“Joyce?” Someone knocks on the door to my office and opens it without waiting for a response. Lyon. Of course. He smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back. Something about this crazy tiger just gets me. He’s such a good guy and he doesn’t even know it. Once he found his true mate, he became a completely different person. Oliver has come out of his shell and he doesn’t even seem to notice he was locked away for so long.
Finding his true mate has been good for him.
He’s kinder now, gentler.
“Good morning, cat,” I say, leaning back in my desk. Oliver looks like he just rolled out of bed: probably because he did. This isn’t unusual behavior for him. He lives right upstairs, so he doesn’t seem to have a problem with strolling around the offices on the first floor in his pajamas. He’ll scurry back upstairs before the clients arrive, of course, but he often comes down to tell me good morning.
I’m always the first one at work, after all.
Now that things are going to hell in a hand basket, I’m wondering if this is why I’m so good at my job. Being a workaholic isn’t something to be proud of, but at this point, it’s part of who I am. I pour my heart, soul, and mind into this job, and I get so much out of it.
I get to help people.
I get to work on new and interesting cases.
I get to be around my three best friends and the women who love them.
I get so much.
But now?
Now I wonder if this is just me being scared. Do I spend so much time here because I’m afraid of forming a real relationship with someone? Do I spend so much of my time and energy at the law office because I don’t have anywhere better to go? Am I just afraid?
I shake my head and look back at Oliver. He’s leaning in the doorway and he’s got a pensive look on his face. I know that look, and I don’t like what he’s going to ask next.
I don’t like it because it’s an impossible question.
“Are you okay?” He asks, and my heart sinks. Sure enough, I have a million and nine answers to that question.
Am I okay?
What does that even mean?
Am I okay that I’m single?
Maybe.
Sort of.
I don’t know.
Am I okay that I kind-of-totally-completely-absolutely had a one-time mini-fling right after I found out about the news?
Maybe.
Sort of.
I don’t know.
Am I okay that my job is the only thing I have going for me?
Maybe.
Sort of.
Probably.
I think so.
Am I okay that my ex-boyfriend is the sole person of interest in a case involving a missing college student?
No.
No.
No.
Not even a little bit.
I should lie to Oliver. I should tell him I’m fine, but we both know I’m not. I’m not fine. There’s nothing about this situation that is fine. No matter how you slice it, my ex-lover may have kidnapped or killed a young woman, and I’m the only one who can find her.
I’m the only one who’s ever been close enough to him.
I’m the only one who knows him.
It’s a lot of pressure for one person.
Oliver watches me as I formulate my response. He’s patient and watchful. I blame it on him being a cat, but the truth is that shifter or not, Oliver is a great person. He’s kind and thoughtful and interesting, and he always looks out for the people around him. No matter what I’m going through, I can always count on him to be there for me, and I will appreciate that for as long as I live.
“Yes,” I say finally, but he just narrows those kitty-cat eyes at me and waits.
That’s the annoying thing about lawyers: they have an infinite amount of patience. I hate it. This ability to wait people out makes lawyers fantastic in the courtroom, but super annoying in real life.
“Can I help you with something?” I ask politely, but I don’t look up at him. Instead, I focus on rearranging a set of very important papers on my desk. Okay, they’re receipts I’ve already copied and dealt with. I just need to finish filing them. Still, he doesn’t know that, and he certainly doesn’t need to.
No, the only thing Oliver needs to do right now is leave. If he could do that, it would be just great.
He doesn’t, though, and it’s just my luck. Stupid tiger. Why do I have to work with a bunch of attentive, handsome, kind, amazing shifters, anyway? Why can’t I work with mean ugly dudes who don’t like me and who aren’t nice to me? Not that I’m attracted to Oliver or any of the other guys. I’m not. We’ve never had that type of relationship, and they’re all happily married, anyway.
Still, I don’t mind the eye candy.
No shifter would.
“Oliver?” I look up at him, silently begging him to just leave.
“Joyce,” he says.
“What are you waiting for? Don’t you need to…you know, shower? Don’t you need coffee? Don’t you need to spend some time with your bride before work?”
“My beautiful wife left an hour ago and we both know I don’t have any clients until eleven today, so if you’re trying to get rid of me to avoid talking about your problems, it won’t work. That’s not how I operate, Joyce. You’re smarter than this.”
He speaks gently, kindly, and I know he’s right. I am smarter than this. Wiser. I’ve been through a lot to get where I am right now. Oliver, Landon, and Ronan have always been there for me. Through thick and thin, I’ve always been able to count on them.
Is this really any different?
I wouldn’t be here without them. I owe them everything, and now Oliver is asking me for something that’s really quite small. It’s really quite minute in the grand scheme of things, and you know what?
I think can give this one thing to him.
I think I can do this for him.
I think I can be honest.
“I’m scared,” I finally say, and Oliver strides into the room and sits in one of the chairs. He looks at me, and then he speaks.
“I know.”
“Then why did you make me say it?”
“Because you need to learn how to communicate your needs, Joyce. You need to be able to put your feelings into words.”
“I can put my feelings into words,” I protest weakly, but we both know it’s just that: a weak protest.
At my job, I’m fearless. I’m unstoppable. I’m brave. I’m incredible.
In my personal life, though?
That’s where things get murky.
Ever since Logan and I broke up, I’ve been off my game. It’s been over a month now and Charlie Hill still hasn’t been found. Charlene. That’s what her parents named her: Charlene. It was just Logan who called her Charlie. I’ll never forget him calling her Charlie.
I’ll never forget walking in on them together and finding out my boyfriend had been seeing other women the entire time.
I’ll never forget the look of horror or embarrassment on her face as she realized he had tricked her, too.
I’ll never forget the way my stomach dropped.
“What are you scared of, Joyce?” Oliver asks. His voice is firm, but there’s a gentle touch to it. He’s not being mean or harsh with me. He just wants me to tell him what’s going on. He wants me to tell him what’s been happening. I know it.
I’ve been living at the law firm. Each floor above the main one is a converted apartment. Landon lives with his wife and their child, so when I confessed to the guys that I was in a sticky situation, they moved me right into Landon’s old space. Now I’m safe, and I’m comfortable, and I’m surrounded by people who are kind to me.
And I’m still completely afraid.
“I’m scared for Charlie Hill,” I tell him.
“She was abducted over a month ago,” Oliver says slowly. “You most likely don’t have to be scared for her anymore, Joyce.” His words make me feel sick. I’ve worked here long enough to know he’s right, though. There’s not much of a chance Charlie is still alive. Not after all this time.
No, if Charlie was abducted, it’s most likely that she’s already died, but I don’t want to let myself think like that.
I can’t.
I can’t let myself believe that she’s gone, that she’s dead. I have to hold out hope because it could have been me. That’s the thing nobody understands. I could have been the one he took. I could have been the one who was stolen away. The only reason it wasn’t me is that I found out about his cheating. I caught him red-handed, and I left.
Charlie?
Charlie didn’t leave him.
She stayed.
I don’t really blame her.
She’s a student and he’s a professor. Maybe she thought leaving him would impact her grade. Maybe she thought if she asked for help, the school wouldn’t take her seriously. Maybe she was afraid they’d expel her. I don’t really know, and it’s too late to find out now.
“I just think,” I say slowly, cautiously. “I think that if she is still alive, which I know she’s probably not,” I add quickly. “That I bet she’s scared, and that makes me scared, Oliver. I’m scared because…”
I take a deep breath.
I can do this.
I can be honest with him.
“It could have been me, Oliver. It could have been me who was taken, and it should have been. I know I was the one he wanted to take.”
“What are you talking about?” Oliver shakes his head. “What do you mean that he wanted to take you?”
Then he looks at me, and his eyes narrow once more.
“Joyce Lawson,” he glares at me. “What have you done?”