VEE

I've peeked through the doorway into the study a few times, but never walked in. The room is unofficially Joss's, mostly due to the fact the other guys have no interest in books. Occasionally, Ewan trades the kitchen table for the dark wood desk inside, where his laptop fights for space amongst piled books. Each guy has a spot he’s happy to spend time alone, and this is Joss's.

I follow Joss into the room; he draws the heavy burgundy curtains and switches on a shaded lamp beside the desk. He slams a large black book closed and pushes it to one side, then perches on the table edge and stretches out his legs.

Joss is right about my heightened desire. I’m distracted by his biceps tensing as he places his hands behind him on the desk, the hands that have touched me in comfort that could do so much more. Joss’s gentleness with Seth, and intuitive nature around me, blooms a warmth in my chest that attracts me to him as much as the man beneath his clothes.

And something inside me whispers, suggesting wicked things I could ask him to do.

Joss rubs long fingers across the mouth I just imagined kissing. "What did Heath say to you? He has a habit of overthinking, especially when tired or stressed. I hope he hasn't upset you again."

"Where do you think you came from, Joss?" I blurt. "Or me?"

He blinks. "I don't know what to believe. I read a lot, as you know, studied the Biblical stories about us—the Four Horsemen I mean. The other guys don't believe any of that is true, but I think Lucifer is connected to us."

"You believe in God and Lucifer?" I ask in surprise.

"Some days." He runs a hand across his hair. "Demon realms exist the other side of the portals. What if one of those places is Hell? Or the big guy stuck back there, who the demons work for, is Lucifer, or equivalent?"

I drop myself into a nearby upholstered chair. "So if you’re connected in the way the Bible portrays the Horsemen, do you think you hold this darkness that Logan mentioned I had?"

Joss's mouth parts in realisation. "Is that why you’re asking? Are you still concerned about his words?"

"No, about the darkness. It's true, we're killers. I used to think that was wrong, but now... I don’t know. Look at me today. Freaked out and sickened by death, but then killing someone. How can I be both?"

"Don't overthink things, Vee," says Joss in a soft voice. "I understand why the fae don't fully trust us when our background is sketchy, and I admit I worry about the dark stories, but not the way Heath and Ewan do."

"They think the darkness will overcome them, don't they?"

Joss holds my look. "They think too much."

"And I can't believe that you don't."

"Well, I could sit around worrying, or I can do what I'm here for. I live day to day." He's not lying, but he's not convincing either of us. "What was it you wanted to know? Besides whether we're really agents of Lucifer?"

"Don't joke like that."

"Sorry."

I dig my nails into my palms. I've rehearsed the conversation, and questioned whether I should ask Joss to do what I’m about to ask, and with the energy running through from killing, I'm pushed closer to asking.

"How I reacted earlier today. When... Casey. I don't think I want to hold onto human Vee anymore. It's too painful. Confusing." I catch worry from Joss’s mind before he blanks his emotion. "Do you think I can—and will—lose the human me? I want to be a hundred percent the Fifth."

Joss rubs a palm back and forth across his mouth and disappointment sinks into my stomach at his silence. "But we are partly human, Vee. All of us. Maybe you don't cope as well because you're a—"

"If you're going to say because I'm a girl, stop."

"I wasn't."

I cross my arms. "I don't want to be human anymore, because I never was. The human Verity can't contain Truth; she's too powerful."

"Vee, stop," says Joss in a low voice.

"Can you take away how I feel, Joss? I don't want my old connection to the world and to people anymore. I can't be this and experience horror and fear over the death around me." The words tumble from my mouth, the thoughts mulled over and over since my conversation with Heath.

"You'll get used to the death and be able to put the distance there. You managed to tonight, and did before."

"But the human sneaks in and look what happened this morning!"

Joss rubs his brow. "Vee, we all went through accepting this."

"But are we the same? I lived as a human, not the way you did. I don't even know if I am created equally to you, Joss."

My chair is close to the desk Joss sits on, and he reaches out a hand. I uncross my arms and allow him to take my fingers. The calm sweeps over me as he pulls away part of my distress but barely touches the unease.

"When I discovered I wasn't human that first night, I freaked. As you know." I attempt a smile. "But whatever I am took over within hours, and I coped with the news. Yet, even though I've accepted who I am, there're parts of human Vee left. I thought I wanted to hold onto her, but I realise I can't. There's no room for her with me anymore."

I can't fathom Joss's expression as he studies me in silence. "Yes, there is," he says finally.

I push on. "You can starve people of emotions. Is that permanent? Can you take away mine, so I don’t feel intense human emotions?"

His fingers tighten around mine. "No."

No he can't, or no he won't?

"Joss, please." I stand and look down at where he's sitting, and nudge one of his legs, so I can position myself between his thighs. Lacing my fingers around his neck, I hover my mouth above his. His cologne’s scent stirs more inside, pushing my memories back to times we’ve fooled around in bed, but never gone further than maddening kisses and touches. The repressed sexual need for him is pushed higher by a hungry desire for Joss to fix my situation.

I settle my body against his, pushing myself harder against his warm chest as I slide my lips across his stubbled cheek. As the raw energy flowing inside rises further to the surface, I move my mouth onto Joss’s and tug on his bottom lip insistently. When he doesn't respond straightaway, I tease him into returning my kiss. Joss slides his hands onto my hips and kisses me gently. I kiss him harder, holding onto his neck and feeling his jawline beneath my fingers.

Happiness hummed through my world the last time I kissed Joss, on our strange date. This time something more intense joins us, and his gentleness switches to urgent. If Joss lets go, he'll do what I'm asking.

They will all do what I ask them to.

I wrench my mouth from his in response to the words entering my head. What the hell was that?

"Are you okay?" He brushes his lips along my cheek and kisses the pulse point on my neck.

I place a hand on his chest to steady myself. "Will you help me, Joss?"

There's a soft sadness in his eyes as he strokes my hair. "I'll do anything for you, Vee, but I won't hurt you."

"If you take away how deeply I feel about what happens to humans, you will help me." I sneak a hand beneath his shirt and run my nails along the solid muscle beneath. "You'll help all of us. Please, Joss."

"No. I won't take away your humanity, Vee. You need to hold onto who you are."

Annoyed, I crash my mouth onto his again, and he responds with a harsh kiss. I push him backwards onto the table and climb onto his lap, looking down. Joss looks back, chest moving rapidly. I shift against him, aware how instantly I arouse him and smile.

Dipping my head, I run my tongue along his parted lips. "Okay, if you'll do anything for me, then help with what I need right now."

He cups the back of my head and holds my mouth to his, teasing me with a gentle kiss. No. He needs to let go, not rein himself in. I need to trigger his power the way I do the others. I sit back again and pull my shirt over my head. His gaze immediately switches to my breasts swelling against the black lace bra, while I slowly unbutton his shirt, pushing the material to one side and soaking up the sight. I drag my nails across his smooth skin over the sinewed muscle in his broad shoulders, down his chest towards the solid abs.

Time and time again I've lain in bed with Joss, held against him, feeling his arousal and fighting mine. Why has he never taken the next step? We've never been skin against skin before. Is that how he resisted the desire that winds around us when we're together? I've dreamed about exploring his body, picturing how, and I lean forward to kiss his skin, alternating with nipping. Joss winds his hands into my hair.

"You have no idea how much I fucking want this." His voice is darker than a few moments ago, more ragged. "Or how hard it is to hide from you what I do to you in my dreams."

He doesn't need to tell me, our empath connection broadcasts our desire as the powerful need grows. I look down, my hair touching his face as our eyes meet in understanding.

"Show me what you do in your dreams."

Joss's eyes darken at the words, and he grabs my ass, holding me to him. Parting my lips with my tongue, he claims my mouth and finally kisses me the way I want.

As Joss absorbs my aching desire, he takes in my raw emotions too. I’m right. He can do this. Joined with him, I could allow him to take too much and starve me of those emotions.

But the love and affection beneath his lust holds him back from letting go and consuming. I deepen my kiss, urging him on. The more of the energised Vee he connects with, the more Joss will loosen his control.

He needs to give in to this.

Joss pulls his head away. "Vee."

"Joss?" I move my head down and place my lips on his chest. I kiss downwards, running my tongue along his smooth skin, inhaling his fresh scent as I taste him. I stop as I reach his abs, then nip gently.

"Are you only doing this so I'll do what you asked?" he asks, voice rough.

I move further down and flick open the button on his jeans. "No. I'm doing this because I want you, too."

"But I know the others lost control around you," he breathes out. "Their powers trigger, I mean. I don't know —" I unzip his fly and run a hand along the erection beneath his briefs. "Fuck."

"You don't know if you can control yourself around me? Are you worried you'll absorb too much?"

Starve me of humanity?

"This isn't good, Vee." He swears under his breath as I release his hard cock and curl my fingers around the base.

"This isn't good?" I murmur.

"No. You. Behaving like this. Something's different."

I smile to myself with the satisfaction of hearing him struggle with words.

"You're not taking anything I don't want to give, Joss." Still stroking him, I move back to his face, then trail my tongue along his jaw to his ear, working him with my hand. His breathing grows ragged and he fists his hand in my hair. Joss is on the verge of losing control, and I want him to. "

"You can fuck me if you want.”

"Don’t say that.” "Why? Don’t you want to?”

Joss winds a hand into my hair and pulls my head back. I smile down at him, as he crashes his mouth against mine. He grabs my ass and his fingers dig into me. and I push his shirt from his shoulders, wanting his skin on mine, aching for more. Joss breaks away for a moment as he pulls off my bra, and our mouths are together again in seconds. His skin is hot, and my peaked nipples brush against his hard chest adding to the ache between my legs.

"You want me to lose control, don’t you?” he growls at me.

"Maybe.”

He sits and, grabbing me by the ass, he hoists me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist. His hard cock pushes against my clit through my jeans and I groan, hanging onto his firm shoulders. Joss spins me around and pushes the books on his desk to one side before lowering me, lips still on mine again.

Joss kicks off his shoes and we drag at each other’s jeans, adding them to the pile on the floor. He pulls my legs to the edge of the desk and opens them; pressing against me, my panties a barrier I don’t want. I make an soft sound in my throat and wrap a leg around his waist pulling him closer.

"You’re fucking beautiful, Vee,” he says and runs a finger along my panties. I suck air through my teeth, the material between me and his finger too much. Joss silently agrees, hooks his fingers around the edge, and pulls them down.

As I kick them off, my hand finds him again, and I run a featherlight touch along the shaft. Joss sucks in airs, fingers finding my wet centre in response, then shoves me back onto the surface so I’m forced to let go of him.

Gazing down, Joss slides a finger along the seam of my sex and watches as he pushes a finger inside, his breath ragged.

I sink back, head against the cool wood. My chest tightens and breathing comes in short pants as he teases my clit with his thumb, sliding a second finger into me. "I’ll do anything you ask, Vee, but that doesn’t include destroying who you are.”

He has to. Joss needs to let go, to allow his power to take over.

"I need you to show how you feel, Joss,” I murmur. "I need to know you want me.”

"Of course I fucking want you. I was waiting for you to want me.” He leans forward and nips my bottom lip gently as he moves his hand, stroking the sensitive spot inside.

My heart swells again. "Always. I always wanted you. But right now I need you. This.”

He rests his head on my shoulder, taking shuddering breaths. "Vee, I always wanted to go slow with you the first time, but I fucking can’t.” Joss places a hand on the table next to me, the restrained part of him fighting through.

"Don’t then.”

He slides along me, and as his mouth close over mine again, he thrusts into me, hard, taking me by surprise. I shift and grip Joss with my legs, feeling him filling me, our position pushing him against the spot that guarantees me a place in the stars. I grab a handful of his hair and pull his face up, grazing my teeth against his lip. He growls and pushes harder, more frenzied than I ever expected.

He slides a hand between us, and as soon as he pushes his thumb against my sensitive clit, he jolts the hardwiring that sparks my body alight. He watches my response, mouth parted hooded eyes on mine, as I begin to unravel beneath him.

Joss covers my body with his, kissing and nipping at my skin. "I’m not going to lose control, Vee.” His breath heats my ear. "You are.”

I wanted Joss to starve me of emotion, but he’s consuming my self-control and using it for himself. Instead, Joss now has the control I wanted to take away from him. I hold my breath against the wave building with each movement until I tighten around Joss and the shattering bliss hits.

I bite into his shoulder to stop crying out.

Immediately, Joss removes his hand from between us and grips my hips, thrusting into me harder and faster as I climax around him, pleasure pulsing through. Within seconds, Joss matches my release, pushing himself to the hilt before dropping onto me, hand wrapped in my hair.

No.

This isn't what I wanted or expected. Joss's love for me courses between us, pushing away his darker part I asked to starve me. Every emotion we share fills my body and mind; our bodies linked, intensifying the empathic power I share with him. At this moment, I am Joss. I experience every emotion as he does and hear every thought running through his mind. His heart beats against my chest as if it were mine.

Sex with Joss holds more than the intense physical need and pleasure; his love trumps his famine and prevents him starving me the way I wanted. With each guy, something good passes in an exchange and not the powers they use to injure and kill. Maybe I listened too closely to Logan, believed him too strongly, and there's no way I'll lose my humanity soon.

But as I lie with Joss, our breathing stilling as we cover each other’s faces with kisses, the voice that whispered in the dark recesses of my mind speaks again. If I fill myself with each power, I can fulfill what I need to be.

I will be stronger than any of them.