Intellectual Badass
I sit in silence in my car, aware of the minutes ticking by, as I stare at the Elephant Bar in front of me.
Somehow, miraculously, I’ve made it this far. It’s Friday night. After school today, Violet crammed me into a dress, curled my hair, and now I’m sitting outside of the place where I’m supposed to be meeting “the man of my dreams”. I can’t bring myself to move a muscle. All I can think of is the time I helped get Kaitlin ready for her first date with Toby. Her hair was tied up, she was wearing a yellow sundress and she had a smile from ear to ear. She was so excited. I feel a pang of guilt, deep and sharp enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. I’d do anything to have my cousin here now, preparing me for this. Maybe if she were, I’d have the confidence and inclination to get out of the car.
It’s this thought that brings me to suck in my nerves, exit the car and walk to the entrance of the restaurant. Violet told me earlier that he’s meeting me just inside the entrance. I exhale slowly, straightening out my blazer and striding with my head held high into the restaurant. The music engulfs me, followed by the chatter of customers. This restaurant is small, lively and gorgeously rustic. Kaitlin would have loved it.
I glance around, but by the looks of things he hasn’t arrived yet. I’m not sure if I’m glad about that fact or not. I don’t think I’m early; he just might be a little late. Or maybe he won’t show at all. No, no, no, I’m not going to get stood up. That’s a stupid thought. He’s just a little late, that’s all.
Or maybe not so late.
I watch, fighting the urge to drool, as a guy walks through the entrance. His tousled chocolate locks and big brown eyes definitely make him cute. Maybe this is him? If so, he’s way out of my league, but I’m definitely not complaining. My heart falls to my feet with nerves as he approaches.
He’s not as good-looking as Alec.
I ignore my senseless thought and focus instead on my potential date. The boy looks over at me, offering me a small smile, but carries on walking. I exhale quickly in relief. A girl with red hair waits for him at the bar, her hand resting on the swell of her stomach. Oh, she’s pregnant! Well, they are going to have the most attractive babies ever.
Just like you and Alec would.
I have no idea where these particular thoughts are coming from, but the truth is that I’d much rather be watching a movie of any sort with Alec right now than standing on my own. I feel more comfortable and happy when I’m with him, and that’s a big deal for me considering everything I’ve dealt with over the past year. It’s too good to give up. I frown and glance at the entrance again. I’m beginning to consider whether I may have been stood up. In all honesty, I’m kind of hoping I have been. I just want to go home and watch Sherlock.
“A beautiful girl like you should never frown. You never know if someone’s falling for your smile,” a voice sounds from behind me.
I spin round quickly. I wish I could say that the guy in front of me is a tall, dark and handsome stranger. I wish I could say that I’ve never met him before, and that he was a sweet dark mystery for me to unravel. After all, that’s what the concept of a blind date is, right? Meeting a stranger and getting to know each other, no expectations and no strings attached. The thing is, I don’t think I can call this a blind date any more. The person standing in front of me is most certainly not a stranger.
“Toby.”
I stare at the boy in front of me in horror. Toby is here; he’s back. My ex-boyfriend moved to Chicago six months ago after breaking my heart, and I’ve not heard a word from him since. His mom got some hotshot job there, and that was his escape ticket. Something must have gone wrong. He’s back. I clutch my head, trying to cram the memories and thoughts back into my brain but it’s no use. They’re bursting out, a flood of all of the things that I wanted to forget. Things that are best left forgotten.
He hasn’t changed that much since I last saw him half a year ago. Same steely hazel eyes, tousled blonde hair and strong jawline. But the circumstances have changed more than my much-younger self could have ever imagined.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he says with a smile.
I skip one beat and bolt for the door.
“Riley, wait!” Toby calls after me, but I’ve taken off sprinting. I need to escape. I shove the entrance open and rush out into the chilly night, dodging diners making their way into the restaurant. I can feel my eyes stinging, but I refuse to cry. Not now, not in front of him. His feet patter behind me, and I know he’s closing in. Stupid damned quarterback. I need to get away, to outrun the thoughts worming their way inside my mind. Does he not understand that I don’t want to see him? It hurts. He’s opening a wound again, a wound that hasn’t healed properly even now.
“Riley, stop!” A hand clamps onto my shoulder, bringing me to a skidding halt, before I’m forcefully turned round. Toby stands way too close for my liking, staring into my eyes in disbelief, as though he can’t understand that I’d want to run away from him. I flinch away, and hurt flickers in his eyes. Does he not see that he’s hurting me just by standing here?
“Why are you here?” I ask brokenly.
“Mom didn’t like the city. It took us a while to get it all sorted.” He huffs out a breath, his eyes wide and pleading. “Riley, you must hate me. I know that. I’m better now though – and I want a chance to make it up to you. To make things a bit better between us.”
His voice cracks on the last word, and that’s how I know that he feels it too. Her presence. But she’s not really here. I wish she was.
“It’s too late, Toby.” I feel fragile, trembling. Like a piece of glass waiting to shatter. It hurts so much. Too much.
“It’s never too late.”
“No, this. This is what too late looks like,” I hiss. “After Kaitlin last summer, you cracked. You were weak. You cheated on me, then you left for Chicago as if you could just write off everything that you did. You broke her heart, and you broke mine.”
I turn to walk away, but he grips onto my forearm to prevent me from leaving. How dare he! I spin round and shoot him an icy glare, until he finally, reluctantly releases his grip.
“Don’t even try to stop me from leaving,” I hiss. “You turned your back on me; it’s only fair that I should get to do the same to you.”
The guy has the nerve to look ashamed, after all of this time. “Riley, you don’t understand, I had to! I was falling to pieces. I couldn’t deal with it.”
“That’s right,” I whisper, placing my finger in the centre of his chest. “You would have broken, just like the rest of us did. Just like I did. Your friend died, but she was my cousin. She was like a sister to me, and it was our fault. I had to stay and face the consequences, I had to live with the aftermath of my mistake, and where were you? You disappeared. I don’t forgive you for that and I never will. Leave, Toby. Now.” I release him and take a step back, staring at him in disgust and pain.
I can hear the sob gathering in the back of my throat, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Be stone, Riley. Cold, hard, untouchable stone. I turn and walk away, leaving Toby standing behind me with the wounds of my words. I walk as quickly as I can, despite the fact that I know he’s not following this time.
“You think I didn’t have to deal with the aftermath?” he yells.
“There’s a difference between reading the flyer and watching from the front row!”
“I’ll make it up to you, Riley Greene,” he shouts after me. “We’re meant to be, Riley. We were when I was with Kaitlin, we were when I was with you, and we still are right now. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.”
I don’t look back, but my teeth are gnawing so hard into my lip that they’re drawing blood.
“See you at school!” he has the nerve to shout.
I shoot the middle finger at his back as he walks away.
It doesn’t take long for the tears to come.
I return home quietly, slipping inside and hoping no one will notice. It’s only about 7.30 p.m. I got myself back together pretty quickly after my meltdown in the street, but it’s clear that any evidence of make-up has been erased from my face. I tiptoe up the stairs to my room and shut the door with a sigh, slumping against it. The curtains are closed, so I quickly change into a pair of leggings and a baggy sweater. I’m not in the mood for anything at all. Even a little visit from Ben and Jerry doesn’t seem appealing right now.
Toby. My cousin. Tiana. Alec. Everything is crashing down on me, and I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
I choke back the rise in my throat as the thoughts enter my head again. I need some air. I need to breathe. I can’t have another panic attack right now; I won’t allow myself. I’ve improved so much, and I’m not falling down this hole again. I head over to the window. My throat feels red raw. I open the window and breathe in deeply, attempting to calm my senses, distract my thoughts. I wish I’d never gone on that godforsaken date.
Remember what your therapist taught you.
A few tears dampen my cheeks. I can’t seem to hold them in. Toby. Kaitlin. Tiana. Toby. Kaitlin. Tiana. Toby. Toby is back.
“Riley?” A soft voice comes from in front of me, and I jump wildly, almost hitting my head off the window. Alec is standing behind his window, watching me with a concerned and wary expression. I offer him a weak half-smile, as though he didn’t just scare the life out of me, then wipe the tears from my cheeks in an attempt at nonchalance. I completely forgot that by going to the window, I’d be giving him a front- row seat to my breakdown.
“Hi, Alec. What’s up?”
“Seriously?” Alec chuckles bitterly. “Don’t even start with that crap. What’s wrong? Who hurt you?” He searches my face for any clues in my expression, while I try to keep it as void as I can. The last thing I need right now is to go all hormonal teenage girl on Alec.
“I just found out the next season of Stranger Things isn’t out for another year,” I joke half-heartedly.
“Answer me seriously, Riley. Stop rebuffing.”
“Nothing, Alec,” I sigh, leaning back. “I’ve just had a hard night, okay?”
He analyses me for a second longer. “I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Put on some warm clothes and meet me outside in five minutes. I want to show you something.”
With that parting sentence, he disappears from his window, and I’m left with no choice but to gawk after him. What can he possibly have to show me right now, when I’m dealing with this? I don’t want to meet him!
It takes me a few minutes to calm down, until the curiosity finally gets the better of me. I get changed and put my shoes on as fast as I possibly can, and dash down the stairs two at a time. It’ll be easy to sneak out because nobody knows that I’m back yet. Plus, it’s not like I’m going to be gone for long. I hesitate for a second as I consider how much trouble I could get in if Mom did find out, but it’s not enough to prevent me from slipping out into the night.
I ensure my tears are all wiped from existence before I face him again.
Alec leans against the tree at the bottom of my yard. “C’mon,” he gestures and strides over to the motorbike.
This time, I don’t even hesitate in following his lead. I sit down and wrap my arms round his waist. I’m actually excited to see where Alec is going to take me, and surprised that he cares so much as to take me anywhere. I continue to underestimate him, and I really need to stop that.
I watch the scenery on the journey. I’m not sure if it’s the distraction or what, but Alec has managed to calm me down. My chest no longer feels constricted, and although my head is pounding, it’s a small price to pay for being able to breathe again. As the town fades into rural forestry, it strikes me just how strange it is that we’re driving down these quiet country roads. They go on for miles, with no real ending. Why would Alec take me into the forest?
I don’t hesitate to ask him as soon as we stop; we’re seemingly in the middle of nowhere, by the side of the road. The streetlights are oddly far apart, setting the scene in gloom, and there’s no one else in sight.
“Alec, why are we stopping here? If you’re planning to murder me, just know that I always carry pepper spray – and it stings a lot more than Abercrombie body spritz.”
Alec raises an eyebrow and begins to walk into the forest. I rush after him, scared of being left alone. We all know how that horror movie ends.
“If I was going to murder you, it’s probably not a good idea to tell me that you have pepper spray,” Alec says, unfazed by the creepy surroundings.
I glance desperately back at the motorcycle. Seeing me, Alec chortles. “Scared, Greene?”
I ignore him, adopting a surly expression as I glare at the tree roots I’m trying so hard not to trip over. It’s dark under the canopy of trees, not to mention eerie. What could be so interesting, out here in the middle of a forest, that Alec found the need to bring me here?
“It’s not far now, don’t worry,” Alec interrupts the silence, reassuring me.
After what seems like forever, the trees begin to thin out and a small clearing comes into view. It’s set quite far back from the cliffs – I can just about see the coastline in the far distance, but that’s not the focus of my attention. In front of us lies an abandoned railway – a gorgeous stone bridge smothered in ivy to the left, with a rusted track running down the middle. It’s beautiful, and old, and the kind of thing you see on the front of stunning photography magazines. It appears untouched and completely idyllic.
My mouth pops open in reaction to the view, and Alec turns to look at me with a smile which is almost as breathtaking as our surroundings.
“You like it?” He grabs my hand and pulls me down the hill towards the tracks, and we stop just a few metres in front of it. He’s still holding my hand.
“I love it,” I whisper as we sit down, staring at the gorgeous stone bridge. “Who introduced you to this place?”
Sadly, he lets go of my hand at this point, but the skin still feels warm and tingly from his touch.
“This was our hangout spot – me, Dylan, Joe and Chase. I’ve started coming again quite a bit since we moved back.”
“It’s nice.”
Alec glances sideways at me. “You’re the first girl to make it up here.”
“I feel honoured,” I tease, elbowing him a little in the ribs.
“So, are you going to tell me what was wrong now? I brought you here, to my thinking space.” Alec gestures at the scenery and ignores my joke. “So it’s time to tell me why you were crying. It’s obligatory.”
I bite my lip. I should tell him, but it’s difficult. It’s not like I broadcast this often.
Seeing my conflicted expression, Alec brushes his shoulder against mine and smiles. “I’m waiting.” His voice is teasing, but at the same time there’s an undertone of curiosity. He really does want to know.
“There’s quite a bit of background first,” I warn him. “But I’ll try to sum it up as best as I can.” I rub my damp palms dry on my legs.
“Okay.” He leans back to rest on his elbows, waiting.
“When I was thirteen, a boy moved to town,” I begin. My voice is shaky with nerves, but I trust him. I tell myself I have no reason to be nervous. “His name was Toby, and he was my first real crush.” I glance down at the grass. “He was in most of my classes, and he was really sweet to me. It was only natural that we became friends. Our moms became close too, and one thing led to another and finally one day, Toby asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.”
The last word comes out as a sigh. I feel a painful twist in my gut at my own voice. I struggle to curve my lips round the next words. “Then, around a year ago, something big happened.”
“What was the big thing?” Alec asks.
No. No, no, no.
“I don’t want to get into specifics tonight. It was hard for me, harder than I could ever describe, but it was hard for Toby too. A few months passed and we were both in bad places. Toby cracked . . . he cheated on me, and then moved away to Chicago six months ago.”
“Wow,” Alec exhales. I guess he’s struggling to find words to respond with.
He thinks I’m so brave by telling him this, but he doesn’t realise that this isn’t even the worst part. He doesn’t know anything.
I take a deep breath and continue. “I went on a blind date tonight . . . and it happened to be Toby. He’s moved back to town, and he’s coming back to school. Just seeing him has awakened all the memories of what happened. He wants another chance,” I trail off, picking at a piece of grass. “I’m kind of scared because I don’t want him to worm his way back into my life again. I’m not ready for that to happen.”
Alec looks at me for a little while, and the silence envelops us. It’s like he’s trying to absorb the information, get a better grip on what I’ve just told him.
“I won’t let him,” Alec says at last. “He’s a dick, and he doesn’t deserve another shot, Riley. Don’t give him the satisfaction.” Alec’s face grows hard with determination, and suddenly he’s speaking a little more quickly and assertively. “We’ll help you avoid him. If you stay out of his way, and if he sees you’ve moved on, maybe he’ll drop it. I’m not an expert on these things, but I won’t let him intimidate you. None of the guys will. We’ll keep an eye on him.”
“Thanks.” I smile without meeting Alec’s eyes, turning away from him to stare at the scenery. I don’t want him to see the guilt and hurt in my eyes. He thinks I’ve told him everything.
“You’re welcome,” Alec replies. He sighs, his eyes trailing over the landscape too.
“So.” I clear my throat, bumping his shoulder with mine in an attempt to lighten the mood. The sooner we move on from this topic, the sooner I can allow myself to feel happier again. “What about you? Any toxic relationships you’d like to share?”
Alec glances at me flatly. “You think I’ve had relationships?”
“Not even one?”
He turns back to the view in front of us, staring intensely at nothing. “I didn’t get near a girl at my old school. I wasn’t interested and neither were they. Aside from the few ‘girlfriends’ I had when I was, like, twelve, nobody.”
I think how it’s perfectly normal not to have had a relationship before at our age, but not to ever have had feelings for someone . . . that’s a little more unique. Crushes do suck, so maybe Alec is taking the more intelligent route, but still I can’t help but feel disheartened.
“Do you think you’ll ever be interested in one?”
“Why?” Alec looks at me and suddenly grins. “You interested?”
I splutter. “What? No! Of course not –”
“Yeah I know, you hate me.” Alec rolls his eyes. “It was a joke, Greene.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m just not necessarily excited by your existence,” I say, offering him an innocent smile to prove that I’m only joking. I hope he knows I don’t really dislike him. Sure, he’s annoying a lot of the time, but would he honestly think I don’t like him after he brought me here and was so understanding about Toby? After he looked after me at the party? He’s warming on me faster than I care to admit. Fast enough that my whole body is screaming to press the brake pedal. Sure, we would never have even spoke if he hadn’t rather cruelly stolen my bra in the dead of night – which, this reminds me, I still don’t have – but since then he’s actually been kind of great. To be this comfortable around him so quickly is shocking me, because it’s been a long time since I trusted anyone but Violet.
“The feeling is mutual.” Alec pulls a face. “So today we’ve clarified that I have no relationship experience, and you’ve had no sexual experience,” Alec points out, way too casually for my liking.
“Who says I’ve had no sexual experience?”
Alec gives me a blank look.
“Okay, I’ll shut up.”
“And on that note . . .” Alec stands up, brushing the dust from his jeans, and offering me a hand. “We should probably get you back. Can’t have your mother sniffing us out, can we?” I nod in approval and I take the hand, only for it to be pulled away quickly, leaving me to fall back on the dusty floor. I probably should have expected that. Alec keels over, laughing at me, to which I scowl.
“Grasshole.”