CHAPTER TWELVE
The next morning Nate pulled on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before padding barefoot out into the hallway. He hadn’t slept well at all, tossing and turning most of the night. He was deeply ashamed of his behavior and embarrassed that he’d acted like a three-year-old having a tantrum. When he’d stomped up those stairs last night, his one thought was to keep from saying something he knew he would regret later. Because there was a secret he was keeping from almost everyone in his life, except very close friends and family.
He had a nasty temper.
When he was angry he tended to lash out at the nearest – usually quite innocent – person targeting whatever weakness he was aware of. With surgical precision he’d go after their deepest fears and insecurities, never thinking about the damage he was inflicting until the anger had passed and he had calmed down.
When Paige had called him fake she hadn’t been far from the truth.
He also had to admit that he kind of hoped that Paige would follow him, come after him and make him talk. Because he had a temper he avoided conflict and confrontation like the plague but when forced he would eventually deal with the underlying issue.
A soft knock on the spare room door didn’t get a response so he cracked it open slightly only to see that the bed hadn’t been slept in.
Shit, had she left? Called a taxi and fled?
He wouldn’t blame her if she had but he’d hoped to apologize this morning and clear the air. He liked Paige, and not in just a superficial way. She was smart, funny, slightly cynical, and always good for fun and a laugh. She was charmingly down to earth while somehow being highly creative. It was a fascinating combination and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to her, not that he was planning on doing anything about it. They were friends now and business partners. By the end of this coming year she’d know the real him whether he liked it or not, and when she did, it wouldn’t matter if he was attracted to her.
Coffee. He needed coffee.
He was at the bottom of the stairs when he saw her, scrunched into some sort of pretzel shape on the couch, still dressed in the clothes she’d worn all day. Instead of being stretched out long ways she was balled into a corner, her laptop on her thighs and her head lolling to the left. She was going to be in a world of pain when she woke up. Why hadn’t she gone upstairs to sleep? Had she been contemplating her options when exhaustion overcame her?
Whatever she’d been planning to do he now had a chance to apologize and talk her out of it. Carefully, so as not to wake her, he lifted the laptop and placed it on the coffee table. His fingers had brushed her arm and her skin was chilled from the cool night air. Feeling even guiltier that she’d been cold and miserable all night, he grabbed the wool throw from the armchair and tucked it around her body. She stirred slightly and he froze but she settled herself again, snoring softly in her awkward position. He wanted to move her but he was afraid if he did she would wake up for sure.
Letting her sleep, he headed into the kitchen and started the coffee pot before digging out a couple of eggs. He normally ate eggs and toast for breakfast when he was home, and they hadn’t discussed what she’d like to have in the morning. He’d be happy to fix her whatever she wanted when she woke up or take her out if she preferred to not eat his cooking. At this point he’d do just about anything to get back in her good graces.
He’d finished his breakfast and was pouring his third cup of coffee when she entered the kitchen. Looking incredibly adorable, her clothes and hair rumpled and her eyes slightly unfocused, she didn’t say anything. She simply stood there in the middle of the room rubbing her sore neck, her gaze darting from the coffee pot, to the table, then to him.
“Hi,” he finally said, not able to stand the silence any longer. “Coffee?”
She nodded and he poured her a cup but she didn’t drink it, sort of staring at it like she’d never seen a novelty mug before. This one said, “Have a Thunderous day.”
Blinking a few times, she scrubbed at her eyes and yawned. “Cream. Sugar. Where…?”
He drank his black so he hadn’t even thought of it. Great host he was. He didn’t have any cream but he did have milk courtesy of his assistant who had stocked the refrigerator. He set the sugar on the counter and retrieved the milk from the door of the refrigerator.
“Is milk okay? I don’t have any cream. I need to do some shop–”
“It’s fine.” She reached for the milk. “Just as good.”
After stirring her coffee she sat down at the table, sipping her beverage and not saying a word. Clearly she was waiting for him to apologize and he intended to do just that. The sooner he got it over with the better.
“Paige, I’d like to apologize for my behavior last night.”
Whatever response he was expecting, the one he received wasn’t it.
“Thank you. I’d like to apologize too.”
Now that he hadn’t expected. What exactly was she apologizing for?
He sat across from her at the table, his hands clutching the mug. “That’s very sweet of you but I’m not sure that you have anything to apologize for. Me, on the other hand…”
The corners of her lips turned up and she gave a tiny snort. “Yeah, because I’m such a sweet and innocent little lady in all this. Butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth. That argument last night took two of us, Nate. So let me say it again…I’m sorry. I hit you below the belt and it wasn’t a nice thing to do.”
His mouth was hanging open. He knew it was and yet he was having a hard time closing it so he could form words. She’d apologized. A real, live, sincere apology. He hadn’t been on the receiving end of those very often in any of his relationships. She was truly sorry and regretful. She’d admitted her mistake.
What the ever-loving hell? It was beyond his comprehension almost.
“I–I–I don’t even know how to respond. Of course you are forgiven. That goes without saying.”
Her eyes narrowed and her smile grew wider. “Okay, here’s where the rubber meets the road, my new friend. It’s time to drop the Prince Charming shit. I pissed you off last night and probably hurt your feelings too. Don’t let me off the hook here because I’m not going to let you off when my turn comes. Hold yourself and people accountable. It’s the only way to have an honest relationship.”
“You get very preachy sometimes.”
The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and he waited in horror for her to light into him but she laughed instead, nodding in agreement. “Honey, you have no idea. You better hope I didn’t pack my soapbox. Now…I meant what I said. Talk to me. Honestly this time.”
He was far too used to pushing down any honest emotions, his public persona had taken precedence for far too long. Frankly, how he felt wasn’t important much these days. Paige had been right on the nose when she’d called him fake. It was hard to allow himself to feel the hurt and anger he’d bottled up last night and he wasn’t sure he wanted to let it run wild.
“I have a temper,” he admitted to buy some time. “I hit out at people where they’re the weakest. Then I’ve hurt them and I can’t take it back.”
She took another sip of her coffee, contemplating his words. “Then you would be exactly like most people in the world. I did it last night too. Now, is there anything you want to say to me?”
His gut churned and he gripped the handle of his coffee mug tightly until the knuckles were white. What she was asking of him was something he wasn’t sure he was even capable of. He’d played a part for years now to the point where it was second nature. Controlling himself and giving the fans what they wanted was paramount. Their love and approval hinged on him being what they wanted him to be.
“It hurt me when you called me fake,” he suddenly blurted, not sure where that came from but now that the pump was primed he couldn’t seem to shut up. “It hurt when you called me a B-list actor even though that is actually what I am. I want to be so much more, you know. I take pride in my work and the way you said it made it sound like I was some no-talent hack that got lucky.”
If he thought she was going to be upset, he was wrong. Her expression was perfectly serious and she waited for him to continue, content to let him have his say without interruption.
“I’m sorry about trying to control you, Paige, but frankly I’m not sure what to do with you. You keep coming at me with your honesty and your no-nonsense attitude and after years in Hollywood I don’t know how to deal with someone I’m not supposed to screw over. You’ve called me out on my behavior more in the last three days than all the women I’ve dated in the last five years combined. And it rubbed me the wrong way because you’re right. There’s a part of me that does think that I’m entitled to be a prick. That if I work hard I should get whatever I want even though I know intellectually that’s crazy. I feed off of the approval and attention and I’m not proud of that either. There’s a part of me that takes the applause and adulation as my due and I’m ashamed of that. And yes, that includes women too.”
Dear God, he’d gone too far, revealed too much. How could she even begin to like or respect him now knowing he was such a loser? As soon as she finished her coffee she’d be sprinting for the front door and never look back.
Which was sad because he was really starting to like her. Like-like. Deep down and for real. She was the most genuine person he’d met in years and he’d probably just scared her off.
“Apology accepted. Now let’s move on.”
Confused, he shook his head. “But what about the hubris I admitted to? Doesn’t that make you hate me? Think less of me?”
She smiled and calmly sipped her coffee. “Nate, everyone likes approval. Do you think I don’t care about the reviews I get on my books or whether they sell? Hell, I love it when people tell me they enjoyed my stories. It’s okay to like approval. It’s not okay to do anything to get it. There’s a difference. As for women, well, look at you. It’s the butt crack of dawn and you look like you stepped out of the pages of fucking GQ while I look like something the cat threw up on the carpet. I can see why you expect female attention. And your career…”
She paused and seemed to be looking for the right words. “I get that your ambitious because I’m ambitious too, Nate. Do you think I would have agreed to the schedule of social engagements this next year if I weren’t? Think about that. Think about how brutally ambitious I have to be to go so far out of my comfort zone that I agree to a PR contract with you. Just sit on that thought for a while and let it ruminate. You’ll see that I understand what you did last year. I get it. You’ve worked hard and by God, you want your reward. You played the Hollywood game and lost but you could have just as easily won. It was a roll of the dice. I’m not judging you, handsome. You’re judging yourself.”
He sat in his chair, stunned, not knowing what to say but he should have known Paige would come to his rescue. “As I said I accept your apology. But I have to be honest—I was upset as well last night.”
He opened his mouth to apologize again but she held up her hand. “Let me get this part out because this is not going to be easy. I don’t like being angry with people.”
Having her mad at him wasn’t high on his list of favorite things. He might have only known her a short time but he found he wanted her friendship and approval.
“You don’t have to do this.”
She smiled and took a deep breath. “Yes, I do, but it’s not easy. You see, I’m kind of fake too. Isn’t that a slap on the ass? I accused you of being something I am as well. Most of the time I’m me, but sometimes I’m just a scared little girl. I’ve been alone a long time, even before Noah died, really. I had to be strong and in charge, always in control because who else was going to take care of my family? There was no one to take care of me though. I always came last and I got used to it but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. Every now and then I simply get terrified when I see all the things I need to do and be. My readers expect one person, my son another, my agent, my assistant, and now you. You, Nate, expect me to save your career and goddammit, I want to do that for you but I’m scared. I’m terrified that I’m going to fuck this up and you’re going to end up hating me for it and that’s something I don’t think I could take because I really like you when you’re not being a jerk.”
Tears were falling down her face now and Nate rushed to the other side of the table, kneeling in front of her to brush at her cheeks. He was a complete and total asshole and he’d do whatever it took to make it up to her.
“That’s why what you said hurt, Nate. I think you’re a good person and then I hear last night that you want to control all of this and me. I can see that you are a kind man most of the time, and you aspire to be better and so do I, although we sometimes fall short. So when you said you were calling all the shots, it hurt. It hurt a fucking lot that you thought I was just some dumb female without a brain in her head, and that’s one of my fears. Maybe I’m just not good enough and eventually everyone is going to figure that out.”
Imposter syndrome. He knew it well.
His chest was tight with an unfamiliar emotion and he pulled her from the chair, crushing her body to his only to hear her squeak with pain. He instantly released her and couldn’t stop the smile as she rubbed at her neck and shoulders.
“I think I slept wrong or something.”
Moisture had gathered in his own eyes and he wiped at it with the back of his hand. “Look at the pair of us. We’re a mess.”
“We are. Someone call in Dr. Phil.”
Laughing, he pulled her into his arms, carefully this time before dropping a kiss on the top of her head. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t really mean it and the moment I said it I regretted it. I don’t think you’re dumb or a pawn or anything even remotely like that. You’re a smart and beautiful woman and I’m lucky that you’re my partner in crime.”
She scrubbed at her cheeks and smiled. “What do we do now? I think we just became close friends.”
He couldn’t agree more. She was okay with him. All of him. The good, the bad, the even worse. She’d accepted it and it was…
Not going to be easy. They had a rough if not impossible road ahead of them and he was who he was. Relationships – even platonic ones – in the spotlight were fraught with potholes and she was new to all of this.
“I think I should make you something to eat. Then I plan to give you a neck rub since it’s all my fault that you slept in a ball on the couch.”
He’d been holding her for the last few minutes but finally her hands slid around his middle too. They were in each other’s arms and it shouldn’t feel this good. Red alert. He dropped his arms and stepped back to catch his breath and get a little perspective. If she thought his behavior was strange she didn’t say anything.
“You know that eating makes me happy so cook away,” she giggled. “While you’re doing that I’ll take a shower.”
He started breakfast as he heard the water turn on upstairs. They’d weathered their first real argument and their bond was stronger for it. He’d showed her a side of himself that he rarely let people see and she hadn’t run away in horror.
It would be a challenge to strip away the veneer he’d so carefully put in place one brick at a time until there was hardly anything left of his true self. Did he even want to do it? It felt safer behind this wall, much more secure. Paige said she wanted to see the real him, but then they all said that.
And then they left.