Being an only child, the only experience I’ve ever had of ultrasound scans is from watching What to Expect When You’re Expecting and Bridget Jones’s Baby. From what I’ve seen, it seems to be the moment where everything comes together for the woman. Any doubts she might’ve had about becoming a mum evaporate the second she hears the baby’s heartbeat and sees its sketchy frame on the monitor for the first time.
However, as I discover when I go to my own appointment, the movies leave out the slightly less romantic elements. Such as drinking a huge bottle of water because it apparently helps the sonographer get a better view of the baby.
‘How much longer is this going to take?’ I ask, chugging down the last of the water and setting the bottle down at my feet. ‘I feel like I’m about to burst!’
‘They’re probably just running late,’ Scott says, the picture of relaxation with his fingers laced at the base of his neck. ‘I’m sure it won’t be much longer now.’
‘Well if they could see us before my bladder explodes, that’d be good,’ I huff. I tap my foot on the floor and glance at the other expectant mums as I try to calm my nerves. I wonder what their stories are: some of them barely look sixteen, while others are much older than me. Some have loving partners holding their hands and telling them everything will be fine, some are alone.
And then there’s me.
I’m trapped somewhere in between those two sets of women. I’m not alone because Scott’s here, but we aren’t together. There’s been a fragile peace of sorts between us since the day my mum found out about the baby, but who knows how long that’ll last?
‘I hope the scan goes OK today,’ I say, locking my fingers together. ‘What if they find something wrong with the baby or …?’
My words trickle to a halt when Scott takes my hand in his. Although I’d sworn not to let it happen again after the argument outside the doctor’s, I can’t deny how much I love feeling his warm, strong hand close in around mine.
‘It’ll be fine, Cleo,’ he says with a soft smile, squeezing my hand as gently as he can. ‘We get to meet the baby for the first time today and that’ll be amazing. Might even get to hear the heartbeat too.’
I swallow hard, trying to let his words comfort and soothe me like they used to. I look down at our hands, which are still locked together, and he takes that as his cue to let go.
‘Sorry,’ he says, looking away from me. ‘Old habits die hard, I guess.’
I reach over and take his hand in mine. ‘Don’t worry about it. Y-you don’t have to let go if you don’t want to.’
We exchange smiles and I feel my shoulder muscles relax a little. Maybe Scott’s right, maybe everything will be OK.
A voice from nearby pierces the companionable silence. ‘Cleopatra Jones?’
‘That’s me,’ I say, getting to my feet and heading over to the scary-looking sonographer. She looks like Shrek might have, if Tim Burton had been the director.
‘Come this way,’ she snaps. ‘Quickly, we’re running behind!’
As she leads the way down a dimly-lit corridor, I feel my breath hitch in my chest. This is more Nightmare on Elm Street than What to Expect When You’re Expecting.
*
The movie moment happens pretty soon after. Gladys, the scary sonographer, squirts some freezing gel on my stomach and moves the transducer over it. I keep my gaze fixed on the monitor as Scott holds my hand, hoping with everything I have that there’s nothing wrong with the baby. My breathing becomes laboured as I wait for an image to pop up on the screen. It seems to be taking a long time …
‘I-is there definitely a baby in there?’ I ask, feeling silly for asking such a stupid question. ‘I mean, it’s not been a huge mistake? I am really pregnant?’
‘Of course you are.’ Gladys’s tone is edged with ice. ‘You wouldn’t have been referred to the maternity unit otherwise.’
‘Alright, she was only asking a question!’ Scott glares at Gladys and I honestly can’t tell who’d win in a fight between them. ‘It’s taking quite a while to get an image on the screen and we’d like to know if everything’s as it should be.’
Gladys digs the transducer deeper into my abdomen and a ghostly, sketchy image appears on the screen. My heart skips a beat when I realise I’m looking at my baby. Our baby.
Gladys points a large finger at the right-hand side of the screen. ‘That’s the head there. The abdomen is in this section here …’ She pauses and circles the baby’s midsection. ‘And those are the feet.’
‘It looks so … human!’ I say, blinking back tears. ‘Look at it, Scott!’
He smiles and squeezes my hand tighter. ‘It’s amazing, isn’t it? Do you think we could hear the heartbeat?’
Gladys obliges and moments later, I hear the most amazing sound in the world. The baby’s heartbeat. It reminds me of lifting a conch shell to my ear when I was a kid, and hearing the roar of the sea through it. I can finally see why the first scan is such an emotional moment in movies.
‘That’s our baby,’ I whisper to Scott.
I turn to look at him just in time to see him wipe some tears from his cheeks.
He nods, trying to keep his emotions back. ‘It is! We made that little person together.’
As my gaze switches back to the baby on the screen, I feel a huge rush of emotions. My excitement to meet the little human growing inside me is tempered by a paralysing fear of what’s to come in the next six months. My body will change beyond all recognition as it stretches to accommodate its new guest. I’ll be solely responsible for this baby’s wellbeing. Her or she will look to me for everything: food, water, shelter, love, education. What’s more, they’ll think I have all the answers to life’s big questions, like ‘are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?’
I’m going to be a mum.
*
After picking up our collection of ultrasound photos, we’re ready to leave. Scary Gladys assures us (well, barks at us) that everything’s fine with the baby and there’s nothing to be concerned about. I tuck the photos away safely in my handbag and prepare to head back to the car with Scott.
That’s when I see her.
She still looks like she could walk down a runway, even when she’s sporting a pair of grey tracksuit bottoms and a loose-fitting tank top.
Amanda.
‘Of course,’ I murmur. ‘Of course she’s here today.’
‘What did you say?’ Scott says. His gaze flicks upward and he nods when he spots her. ‘Oh blimey, look who it is!’
I swat him in the stomach. ‘Shh, don’t draw attention to yourself! With any luck, she might walk right past us.’
‘Oh my god, Cleo!’
That’ll be a no to her walking past us then.
‘Hi Amanda! What are you doing here?’
She shoots me a dreamy smile and pats her stomach. ‘Here to see the little one for the first time! I’m super excited. Have you just been for your scan too?’
I nod, patting my bag. ‘Sure have! We’ve just been in with Gladys, she’s … well she’s efficient anyway!’ I notice she’s standing by herself. ‘Is anyone here with you?’
Her bright grin falters a little, but she styles it out with a light giggle. ‘Oh no, Steve couldn’t make it today! He had to work, you know how it is.’
I nod, not really believing her. ‘Well, couldn’t your mum come with you instead?’
‘She’s busy!’ Amanda snaps, correcting herself seconds later. ‘I don’t mind being here by myself, really. Don’t worry about it.’
There’s an edge to her tone that warns me not to go any further. I think about offering to stay with her, but something tells me that wouldn’t go down too well.
‘Well, I’d … I’d better go,’ she says, gesturing towards the row of seats in the waiting area. ‘Don’t want to make Gladys angry!’
Before I can say a proper goodbye, she stalks off to find an available seat. I glance at her sitting on her own, folding her arms across her burgeoning bump and avoiding eye contact with everyone around her. My stomach drops as I see her looking so alone. Although she’ll probably hate me for it and think I pity her, I have to do something.
‘She shouldn’t be here on her own today,’ I whisper to Scott. ‘It’s not fair. I’ll go and sit with her.’
I take a step towards Amanda, but she’s quickly whisked down the Corridor of Doom by Scary Gladys. I try to see which room they’ve gone into, but I’m too late. Sighing with defeat, I head back to Scott. For all Amanda’s fake bliss and happiness, something tells me things aren’t what they seem with her. She’s always been good at putting on a front and making her life seem perfect when it isn’t. The last time we saw each other, she’d been put on gardening leave from her high-powered job and had lost all her fake friends.
What secret is she keeping now?