Scott and I drive home from the hospital, keeping a steady stream of small talk going, mostly about the baby and how surreal it was seeing it on the monitor for the first time. I can feel dark thoughts about how my body will change circling the outer edges of my mind, but I do my best to ignore them.
You’ll never be the same again.
Nobody will ever find you attractive again.
I force myself back to the present, determined to drown the thoughts out. If I don’t listen to them, they’ll go away. I have to focus on the baby and not my own twisted thought patterns. That’s the only way I can be the best mum possible.
‘I expected it to look like a peanut or a baked bean, but it actually looked human!’ Scott chuckles as he pulls up near my cottage. ‘And the heartbeat was just … amazing.’
I can still hear the heartbeat roaring in my ears. Whether it’s a comforting sound or not, I honestly can’t decide.
‘Don’t you think it made it seem so much more … real?’ My voice is barely above a whisper. ‘Like we’re actually having a baby? It seemed … I dunno, like an abstract concept until this afternoon. Now I know there’s actually a person in there!’
I try to mask my abject terror with a light-hearted chuckle. Scott leans over and puts a hand on my shoulder. I half-curse, half-welcome his uncanny ability to guess how I’m feeling, no matter how hard I try to disguise it. I look at him and picture Amanda all alone at her first ultrasound appointment, thinking how I could have easily been in that position myself. We need to talk and figure out where we both stand.
‘Cleo … I know this pregnancy was unexpected and that the circumstances are a bit unconventional, but you really will be a great mum. If it helps, I’m scared too. My dad wasn’t around for most of my life and I’d do anything to avoid turning out like him. I’ve never changed a nappy or made up a bottle before, but I’m kind of excited to learn. Especially with you.’
I nod and try to swallow the lump in my throat. Why does he have to be so bloody lovely? ‘Do you fancy coming in for a coffee? We’ve got loads we need to talk about.’
He stares at me for a moment, like he hasn’t quite picked up what I’ve said. ‘Um … OK then, if you’re sure?’
I nod and get out of the car. As I watch Scott follow suit, I feel a rush of nostalgia for our relationship.
‘This is like old times, isn’t it?’ The words come out before I can stop them. ‘When you used to drop me off here after a date.’
My comment catches him off-guard and he isn’t sure how to react at first. ‘Yeah,’ he says after a few moments. ‘I suppose it is.’
We make our way to Larkspur Cottage, its baby blue frontage even more vibrant in the summer sunshine. It’ll be pumpkin spice lattes and cosy jumper weather soon enough though.
‘Coffee?’ I ask when we’re both inside.
Scott nods and I can tell he’s not entirely comfortable being in the house. It didn’t show when he was helping me with Mum’s reaction to the pregnancy, but I can see he’s thinking about when he used to live here.
‘Go and sit down, I’ll bring it to you,’ I say.
Instead of going to the living room, he follows me to the kitchen. With remarkable ease, we slip into our old roles: I buzz about getting the cups ready, while Scott digs out the biscuit tin and picks out our favourites. When I can’t reach the mugs thanks to being ridiculously short, he comes up behind me and lifts them down, one hand gently brushing my hip. I try to ignore the rush of warmth that travels over my skin at his touch. He retreats to his favourite spot, where two sections of counter join together, and makes himself comfortable. When I turn around and see him standing there, a horde of memories comes flooding back.
Old habits really do die hard.
‘So,’ he says when I hand him a cup of steaming hot coffee, ‘what did you want to talk about?’
We sit opposite each other at the kitchen table. There’s a hopeful look on his face that unsettles me. It’s as though he’s expecting this conversation to head in a particular direction.
‘It’s about Amanda.’ I wrap my hands around my coffee mug and stare down at it, hoping it’ll give me the right words. ‘She looked so lost today, Scott. Her first ultrasound and she had to go by herself! That’s not fair, is it?’
He shakes her head. ‘No, it’s not. It’s a big thing and nobody should go through it by themselves. I’m sure someone will go with her next time though.’
I nod slowly and look up at him. ‘Scott, that could’ve been me today. I could’ve been the one sitting by myself, scared out of my mind that they were going to find something wrong with the baby and with nobody to turn to. Things haven’t exactly been smooth sailing between us, have they?’
It’s Scott’s turn to look away now. He turns his attention to the kitchen window and stares off to the bottom of the garden.
‘Cleo, you’d never have been alone. Surely you must know that? Whatever’s happened with our relationship, I’m not a deadbeat dad. We might’ve messed up our last night together, but I’m back for good now and I’m not going anywhere. My dad did that to my mum and I hated him for it.’
I feel myself bristle at the ‘we might’ve messed up’ comment. My better judgement tells me to let it go over my head, but when have I ever listened to that?
‘Well, we didn’t mess it up, did we? You did. I woke up and you were gone, Scott. How do you think that made me feel? You gave me all that nonsense about wanting to give me space; why couldn’t you just be honest with me and say you regretted it? And you were the one who said you were going to Australia whether I wanted to or not. But that’s just me being technical.’ My voice is remarkably even, considering I can feel my blood boil in my veins.
I can see him grit his teeth from the other side of the table. A tiny prickle of excitement sparks somewhere inside me. There’s always been a certain thrill in winding Scott up. Although we aren’t together anymore, I can’t ignore the anticipation as I wait for his reaction.
‘Let’s not rake over old ground eh? We’ve done this to death now; I’ve apologised until I’m blue in the face, but you’ve made it pretty clear you’re not interested in letting me make amends for what happened.’
It’s taking everything I have not to wipe the satisfied smirk off his face. I clench my hands into fists and try to regulate my heartbeat. As our eyes meet, the air crackles and hisses with tension.
‘Go on then Scott, here’s your chance to start making amends. If you think you can sell me on your side of the story, be my guest. If you’re really sorry for everything that’s happened, make me believe you.’
I arch an eyebrow and match his smirk with one of my own. Am I really flirting with my ex-boyfriend? The father of my baby, the one who smashed our relationship into a million pieces by moving to the other side of the world?
Yes, yes I am.
‘Oh I learned a long time ago that I can’t make you do anything. You’re a law unto yourself and you always will be.’
His voice is low and sounds super-sexy. I feel goosebumps prick my skin as I look at him. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he’s still bloody attractive. I can tell from the look in his eyes that he can sense the undercurrent to our conversation. The memory of him brushing my hip with his hand as he got the mugs down comes back to me and I find myself longing for his touch again.
No.
This has to stop.
‘Biscuit?’
Scott looks surprised by the sudden switch in conversation topic, but nods anyway. I hop out of my seat and head over to the cupboard where I keep the biscuit tin. I reach up to try and grab it, but my fingers skim the edge of the lid and no more.
‘Could you come and help me please?’ I ask. ‘You’ve stuck the tin back too far.’
Scott walks over to where I’m standing. I consider moving out of the way, but stay where I am instead, gripping the countertop for support. His tall, athletic frame presses up against mine as he reaches up to grab the biscuit tin with ease. His t-shirt rides up a little and I catch a tantalising glimpse of his toned abs.
‘Your biscuits, Madam,’ he says, handing me the tin. I take it from him and put it down on the counter.
‘Scott … I know things haven’t been easy between us recently. We’ve gone from spending the night together to … well, where we are now. I think we should sort out where we stand with each other before the baby comes. I don’t want us arguing or at each other’s throats when we’ve got more important things to think about.’
He nods and looks deep into my eyes. ‘Nothing’s changed for me, Cleo. I still love you as much as I ever did. If I could go back to the day I left you and do things differently, I would. I’m sorry things got so out of hand; I guess I was just so in love with the idea of us chasing dreams together, I forgot to check we were on the same page. Then we just got angrier and angrier at each other, didn’t we? It should never have escalated that far and I’m sorry it did.’
‘I just … I wish we hadn’t had so long apart. We were so happy before Australia came along, then things just seemed to change. You wanted to go and I didn’t, but I didn’t want to hold you back either. It was such an amazing opportunity for you, so that’s why I didn’t fight harder to get you to stay. When you left, it made me wonder if I’d ever been enough for you or if I’d just fooled myself into thinking I was.’
Scott reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face. ‘You have always been enough and you always will be.’
His lips are on mine within seconds. I wind my arms round his neck and pull him into me, savouring his touch and taste. He bends down slightly to pick me up and lift me onto the kitchen counter. I run my fingers through his hair and lock my legs around his waist. His warm breath travels over my skin as his lips move down to my neck. His kisses are hungry and desperate as he holds me tightly to him, as though he’s afraid to let me go. I bring his lips back to mine, moaning as I feel his hands explore my body.
‘Cleo,’ he whispers when our lips part. He brings our foreheads together and tangles his hands in my hair. ‘What are we doing?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit with a chuckle. ‘But I’ve really missed kissing you.’
Scott’s smile falters. ‘This isn’t because you’re afraid of me leaving again, is it? Because I meant what I said, I won’t let you go through this by yourself. You don’t have to kiss me to keep me around. I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Of course it’s not.’ I screw my eyes shut and jump down from the counter before walking to the other side of the room. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t have let this happen. The last thing we need is things being complicated between us.’
Scott follows me and draws me into a tight embrace, kissing the top of my head. ‘We broke up because I made a stupid mistake, Cleo, not because we stopped loving each other. Why don’t we give things another go, eh? Let me come back.’
I badly want to say yes, to let him come home so we can start again. But the fear of him leaving me again still has a tight grip on me.
‘Why did you leave me after we slept together?’ I ask. ‘I need to know the truth.’
Scott swallows hard. ‘You promise to hear me out?’
I nod and we sit down at the kitchen table. This is it, the moment I find out what really happened that day. My insides twist themselves into knots and I hope I don’t have to run to the bathroom in the next few minutes.
‘… I was scared,’ he admits. ‘Getting back together with you was all I’d wanted for the past year and when I woke up next to you, I panicked. I realised I was so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted, and I started worrying that I’d mess things up. I didn’t regret that we slept together, quite the opposite in fact. So I got up to go to my job interview and decided to give you some space. I knew you’d need some since we’d been apart for so long and, to be honest, I did too. I didn’t want to jeopardise everything by rushing to get back together. But the more space I gave you, the harder it got to bring it up. I’m sorry, I should’ve grabbed the situation by the balls sooner.’
‘Wait a minute,’ I say. ‘So you let me think our whole night together had been nothing but a huge mistake to you because you were scared? How do you think I felt, Scott? I thought you’d decided to leave me again. I get that you panicked and weren’t sure what to do, but leaving me like that and avoiding me made me think you wanted nothing to do with me. I know I could’ve made the first move, but I thought you just wanted to forget about it and move on!’
‘Of course I didn’t!’ he insists. ‘Cleo, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but I’m here now and I want us to move forward if we can. Leaving you will always be the biggest mistake of my life, but I can’t take it back now. All I can do is try to make up for it if you’ll let me.’
The warm, fuzzy feelings I had for him are now beginning to disappear, with frustration offering itself as a replacement. I want to rant about how much time we’ve wasted being scared to be honest with each other. I want to tell him that I don’t know if there’s a way back for us after everything we’ve been through, but that I’d give anything to find one.
However, his phone goes off. I don’t need to see the screen to know who it is.
‘Is that Kayleigh again?’ I ask. ‘Booking another session, is she?’
Scott nods, but doesn’t reply straight away. He sighs and looks up at me. ‘She’s asking if I fancy going out with her and her friends one night for a few drinks.’
My heart sinks and I purse my lips to stop the tears from coming. ‘I see. Are you going to go?’
He frowns. ‘Probably not, why?’
I throw my chair back and storm away from the table. ‘Don’t let me stop you. On the one hand you’ve got me. I’m about to blow up to the size of a house, I’ll be covered in stretch marks soon, my hormones are going crazy and it wasn’t too long ago I was battling body dysmorphia. Then you’ve got her and … Well, she’s probably perfect, isn’t she? The whole package. What more could you want, eh? I can see why you’d want to go out with her.’
Tears spill down my cheeks as I picture Kayleigh in my mind. I think of her as being perfectly proportioned with long blonde hair; most women would kill to look like her and any guy would be lucky to go out with her. I haven’t even seen a photo of her, yet I can see her in my head clear as day.
Scott comes over to me, approaching with caution at first. ‘I’m not interested in her. She’s a nice girl and some men might think she’s attractive, but I don’t want her. Please believe me, Cleo.’
‘It’s like I said before; it’s none of my business who you see,’ I reply. ‘Go out with her and her mates if you want. It doesn’t bother me.’
I’m determined to keep my guard up to stop myself from getting hurt again. For all his claims that he isn’t interested in her, I remember the smile on his face when she texted him the dog video before.
If he can leave me once, he can leave me again …
Scott opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind. His shoulders slouch in defeat and he grabs his jacket from the back of the chair.
‘I’m done here. I can’t do this anymore. See you at the next appointment.’