~ Emma
By the time I get back to the bar, I’ve had a facial, a massage and a pedicure, three things I’m not sure I’ve ever had done, much less in one day. Despite the promises of cleansing and rejuvenation though, I feel anything but.
The sign on the door says closed, but when I peer in, I can see Tony setting up. I take a deep breath before knocking on the glass until he hears me. He shoots me a grin as he walks over and unlocks the door, holding it open for me.
“Hey, Emma, how’s things? Is Nick coming down soon?”
And it’s with that one question that I know Nick hasn’t come back from wherever it is he’s disappeared to. From the look on my face, evidently Tony realises this too.
“Shit, what’s happened?” he asks.
I bite my bottom lip, hard, because I do not want to start crying in front of him. It’s bad enough that I broke down like I did in front of Sarah. I really do not want to do it again here.
“Emma?” Tony asks, stepping towards me.
I shake my head because I can already feel the tears filling my eyes. Tony ignores me though, pulling me into a bear hug.
“Tell me what happened?” he asks, holding me tightly.
I shake my head against his chest because I know, the second I open my mouth the crying will start. I haven’t cried this much in my life, but these past few months, Nick has somehow managed to make me.
“Come on,” he says kindly, his hand squeezing my shoulder. “Tell me what happened?”
“Gone,” I finally manage to croak out as the tears start to fall. “He’s gone.”
“Fuck,” Tony mutters, his arms tightening. He says nothing more though, just holds me in his arms as I cry. “It’s alright, Em,” he eventually says. “It’s not the first time this has happened.”
I pull back in surprise. “What?”
Tony smiles at me. “It’s not the first time he’s gone MIA. It’s happened before you know, so it’s not you.”
I swallow hard, knowing that actually, it really was me. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
Tony steers me towards a bar stool, gesturing for me to sit down before he walks around to the other side of the bar and grabs us both beers. I glance up at him, wondering if this is the best solution, but Tony just slides the bottle closer.
“Tell me what happened,” he says.
I take a long gulp of beer, stalling as I try to work out how much I should tell him. Eventually I put the bottle down and without looking up I mumble, “I found out about Amy.”
Tony murmurs something I don’t catch.
“What?” I ask, glancing up at him.
“I said, it figures.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
Tony lets out a deep breath. “The last time this happened was after she died.”
“How long did he disappear for?” I ask, half afraid to know the answer.
“A month.”
I half choke on the mouthful of beer I’ve just taken. “A month?” I repeat.
Tony nods. “Yeah, but obviously that was a pretty shit time,” he adds.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is a shit time too.”
“Why, what do you mean?”
I take another mouthful of beer before meeting Tony’s stare. “Because Nick isn’t the one who told me about Amy,” I tell him, forcing myself to get the words out.
“Then who did?” he asks, confused.
“No one,” I admit, my stomach churning with a mixture of nerves and guilt. “I looked her up at work and found out for myself.”
“Ah shit,” Tony mumbles.
Nick doesn’t show up for work tonight, leaving Tony and the other staff to run the bar. Tony tells me it’s fine, it’s what happened last time and he doesn’t mind doing it. When I ask him about Oscar, he tells me he’ll go up and feed him. I’m not sure why that bothers me, but when Tony sees the look on my face, he smiles, hands me the spare keys to Nick’s apartment and says, “Why don’t you look after him?”
So I do. Heading upstairs to feed Oscar, even though I know what I’m really doing is waiting for Nick to come back.
I have no idea how long I’m going to be waiting for. Last time it was a month, but Tony assures me that was a bad time, much worse than this. I’m not entirely sure I believe him, but having nothing else to go on, what else can I think.
In the end, Nick doesn’t come back to his apartment and sometime after midnight, I find myself crawling into his bed. It feels huge without him, empty and cold, and it’s only when Oscar jumps up and snuggles beside me, that I finally allow myself to start crying again, wondering when this nightmare is ever going to end.
At work the next day, I’m a mess. I’m only half listening to the people around me and as a result, I make mistakes and I miss things. I can feel Jason watching me, can almost hear the questions he wants to ask, but I manage to avoid being alone with him, going straight back to Nick’s apartment when my shift is over.
Once again Nick doesn’t come home and as the week passes by, I find myself trapped in some kind of nightmare Groundhog Day that sees my days filled with me practically ruining my career and my nights spent at Nick’s place wondering if I haven’t also ruined my relationship.
I barely sleep and by the end of the week, when Jason finally corners me in the staff lounge, I know I not only look like crap, but I’ve been a crap doctor too.
“See you,” I quickly say, throwing him a half smile as I attempt to leave.
“Emma, wait,” he says, his hand on my arm as I try to scoot past him.
I stare at the hand, unable to look him in the eye. He must read something else into it, because he immediately pulls back, gesturing instead towards the couch. I don’t say anything, knowing I’m not getting out of this one as I walk over and sit down.
Jason sits beside me, waits for me to look at him. When I don’t, he speaks anyway. “Do you want to tell me what’s been going on with you this week?” he asks, the words kind.
I’d expected him to be angry with me, but despite his kindness, I still can’t bring myself to answer him.
Jason exhales. “Okay, something you don’t want to talk about. That’s fine, but the issue here is how it’s affecting you and your work.”
Now I do look up, because despite everything that’s happened, ruining my career and losing the respect of Jason is something I never wanted to do.
“It’s okay,” he says when he sees the look on my face. “I get that things happen, that sometimes it’s hard to switch off and focus when you’re at work. But I can’t let you go on like this. It’s not fair to the patients or the rest of us.”
“Are you firing me?” I quickly ask, scared that if this happens, I truly will have ruined everything.
“No,” he says, smiling. “But I do want you to take some time off and get whatever this thing is that’s bothering you sorted out.”
I nod, half relieved, half scared still.
“You’re not losing your job, Emma, I promise,” Jason says, somehow reading my mind. “Take a week, okay? Get whatever this is sorted out and then come back and prove to me you’re the doctor I know you are.”
“Okay,” I whisper, gripping my bag as I stand.
Jason follows me to the door and I think that’s the end of it until he says, “Em, is there anything I can do to help?”
I glance back at him shaking my head because I know there isn’t anything anyone can do.
He offers me a smile. “Well, you let me know if there is, okay?”
I nod once, before walking out of the hospital, wondering how the hell I’m supposed to fix this mess in a week when I have no idea where Nick is and no idea if or when he’s ever going to come back.