Chapter Six
Cay
I stood in front of Val’s door before I realized what a bad idea it had been to go there. Maybe I should have taken some time to cool off before running to her—some time to come up with a plan? But no, and before I could turn around, she knocked on the kitchen window and waved me inside. The front door had barely closed behind me when she led me to the living room and sat me on the couch. It took a long time for words to come, but she waited patiently. She probably had plans—she usually had plans even when she wasn’t seeing someone, and Mac had said Val had “a new friend” too, even if she hadn’t met them yet.
The worst part, I didn’t have the heart to do more than give her the rough outline of what had happened because I was too busy beating myself up for the way I’d treated Bryan. Even if he had used me—which I didn’t think was true, but I tried to use the thin margin of doubt as a shield—I was ashamed of running over there and intimidating him. Mortified by the rush of satisfaction I’d gotten from the fear in his eyes and the way his hands shook.
Valerie listened and then we sat quietly for a few minutes. “Come back to the band. Really come back, not just to throw new songs at us and pick up Mac.”
“What? No. I need to get another job. I’ll start looking tomorrow. Or Monday.”
Thinking about what this would do to our little family stoked my anger again. I slid to the edge of the couch but didn’t stand. Part of me wanted to storm back to Bryan’s place and kick his ass. That tiny asshole part of me was mentally kicking my own ass for not doing it while I was there, even though I’d never thrown a punch in my life and didn’t really want to hit anyone—especially not Bryan. I thought I’d been doing pretty well pretending to be respectable for the company—as difficult as that was—and one dalliance was all it took to bring everything crashing down.
When I’d regained what passed for my sanity, I stood and paced. “I’ve never been fired before.”
“I know. You’re not the kind of man who gets himself fired.” She rubbed my shoulder and for a second, I almost pushed her hand away.
The unwelcome thought that I hadn’t been fair to Bryan invaded my head—again—and spun things so I wasn’t sure what to think. “I need to go for a run. Before Mac gets home, so she won’t have to see me like this.”
“Cay. Seriously. This isn’t the end of the world. We’ll be okay, Mac and me. And the band wants you back.”
“I can’t. How can I keep Mac on my insurance if I don’t have any? That’s our deal. She needs to get in to see a doctor, dentist, all that. I have to keep up my end.”
“And you will. You always do. That’s what you’re best at, taking care of everyone else. What about you? Sitting in a cubicle all day is killing you.”
“I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been. Healthier too.”
“That’s because you’re trying to run away from the cubicle. Literally. But every day you keep going back.” She at least had the decency to wince after saying that.
“I love running.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Okay, I like running.”
She laughed, and it was all I could do not to join her. But I knew if I did, I’d end up crying.
“Okay, I hate running. But it’s healthy. It’s a good example for—”
“Oh, please. Being happy and doing something you love is a good example for Mackenzie.”
“I heard my name. Whoa. What’s wrong, Dad?” She strode over and hugged me hard, and my knees buckled. If I hadn’t been balanced, I would’ve been on the floor.
I buried my face in her hair and said “nothing” at the same time Val said “he lost his job.”
“Val.”
“What? She’s old enough to hear the truth.”
“What happened? If you don’t want to tell me, it’s cool. I’ll wait until later and get it from Mom. Unless you’re staying over tonight?” She smiled hopefully, and I felt a cramp in my chest. Right in the middle, where my heart used to be before Baxter Bryan the tech whiz entered the picture. My heart felt more like a balloon after the mean kid sticks it with a pin and it flies around knocking into the walls and furniture and then lands in the corner, limp and useless. Only I’m the mean kid in this scenario.
“I’d rather not talk about it. How about a pizza? If your mom doesn’t have any plans.”
Val cleared her throat, but I couldn’t look at her. “I should make you go talk to him. And I don’t mean Holden. But I’m hungry. Pizza now. Later, you go talk to him.”
Mackenzie watched our convo like a tennis match, like she used to when she was little. Another pang in my so-called heart—my little girl was almost grown up.
“This is about Bryan, isn’t it?”
“Yes. But I still don’t want to talk about it.”
“I don’t know how Bryan can have anything to do with you losing your job. I don’t believe it.”
“Please, baby. Not now.”
“I mean it. Why would he be so nice to me if he wasn’t in it for the long haul? Where’s the payoff there? I don’t believe it.”
Val stepped closer and rested a hand on Mac’s shoulder. “Mac, honey, go to your room for a few. Order us a pizza.”
“Can I choose the toppings?” She looked at me, but I thought the question had been aimed at her mother. Which didn’t stop me from answering.
“As long as we don’t have to talk about it, you can choose the toppings.”
Mac peeled away from me and took her mom’s phone. She didn’t leave the room, though. She looked between us and then came back to hug me again.
“I love you, Dad. Bry’s a good man. I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt you. Not with the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”
“I love you, too, cupcake.” I buried my face in her soft hair, and when she made a move to go, I released her. My heart sank. Without Mac to hold on to, I felt like I was falling—like, off a cliff. I sat in a kitchen chair and dropped my head onto my arms.
Val rubbed my shoulders and pulled me against her side. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s fucked up, what Holden did. But we’ll get through this. We’ll be okay. Tomorrow I’ll get Mac on my insurance, and we can work out the rest as we go. Right now, you should go talk to Bryan. Don’t throw that away because you were ashamed to tell him you’re a customer service rep.”
I groaned and she held me tighter.
“I get it. I’d rather only be in a band too, but—”
“Your job is better than mine. Than mine was.”
“That doesn’t matter. You love him. Stop arguing with me. Even if you guys haven’t said it yet, you do. I’ve known you since high school, and I’ve never seen you like this. Well. Once. But only for a little while.”
Even though I had tears in my eyes, I looked up. “I love you, Valerie.”
“I know. I love you too. But it was never like it is with him, was it?”
All I could do was shake my head. I had loved her—loved her still—but the deep, all-encompassing passion…only Bryan had given me that.
“Don’t you dare apologize for that either.” She pulled me into her arms and squeezed. “It’s okay. We were meant to be best friends, not lovers. What kind of a best friend would I be if I wasn’t happy for you?”
I tried to laugh, but in seconds, I was left clinging to Val and struggling to hold it together. “He won’t want to see me. I was an asshole. I scared him—I wanted to scare him and he knew it.”
“You’d just been fired.” She held my shoulders and shook me gently so I’d look at her. “Give him a little while to cool off and then talk to him. Apologize.”
I nodded, and as I was wiping my face my phone vibrated in my pocket. I scrambled to get it out and it was Bryan. Not a text, a call.
Stunned, I almost didn’t grab it before it went to voicemail. “Bryan?”
“Please, listen for a minute. We need to talk. I…I know how this happened and it’s—Please, let me unpack this, let me explain. I’ll meet you anywhere.” He took a breath, and it might have been as shaky as mine. “I don’t want to lose you, Cay. Not because I—not without a fight. I won’t let you walk away from me. Please…”
I tried to answer—more than once while he spoke—but my voice failed me. When Bry stayed silent, my heart clenched. My voice would betray everything I felt, but if I didn’t answer, I’d lose him. “Okay. Can I come over?”
The silence on his end boomed loudly in my ears. I’d wrecked my “Bryan’s apartment” privileges. I deserved to be cut off.
“Yes. Will you come now? If you’ll be okay to drive.”
I looked at Val and she nodded. I shouldn’t have needed her to push me, but I did. The make-or-break of this situation scared the shit out of me. When I kept staring, she stage-whispered, “Go. Now. Make this right.”
“I’ll be right over.”
When he ended the call immediately I had a moment of panic, but he probably meant it when he said to come now. I’d only known him a couple of months, but Bryan was a literal guy.