31
There was a little extra bounce in my step when I went to work the Monday after Lorenzo slid that ring on my finger, and for the life of me, I found it nearly impossible to stop smiling through my appointments with two prenatal patients and one young lady who was in for her annual examination and a refill on her birth control pills. I was feeling so good, I even walked all three patients back out to the lobby when their appointments were over.
Around noon, I decided to go to the Smoothie Hut to grab a salad since Lorenzo had a day of meetings scheduled for his publishing company. I had grabbed my purse and was about to head out the door when someone knocked on it.
“Come in!” I yelled.
Janine flounced in with a huge smile on her face, holding a vase of gorgeous pale pink roses. “Must be nice,” she said.
I grinned as I leaned forward in my chair, taking the vase from her and setting it on my desk. As I fingered one of the roses, I said, “Oh, it is.”
She sighed. “You are so blessed to have found someone who adores you like Lorenzo does and—” She leaned in so close to me that I had to wonder if there was something on my face. “What is that?” she asked.
I frowned. “What is what?”
“That! On your finger. On your left hand, the hand you’re using to play with your hair. And I like your hair like that, by the way. You should wear it down more often instead of always in those ponytails. You look so pretty with it down.”
“You really think so? I got it styled like this for Zo’s book party and decided to wear it like this for a little longer, but I’m not used to it, so I keep playing with it. I hate you missed the party. We had a great time.”
She fell into a chair across from my desk. “I know, but I had to babysit for my sister at the last minute so she could go to work, and—wait a minute. You didn’t answer my question. Renee, what is that big rock doing on your finger?”
I smiled. “Lorenzo gave it to me.”
“Did he give it to you after he proposed and you said yes?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
Her mouth fell open and she jumped up, scurried around my desk, and hugged me. “Girl, I’m happy like I’m the one engaged! I’m so thrilled for you, even though you kept him a secret from me for so long. Renee! Honey, you were not playing! You got rid of Robert and moved right on! I love it!”
Once she finally released me and reclaimed her seat, I said, “Thanks, Janine. And speaking of secrets, um…about you and Rell…”
She actually gasped and then wore this shocked look on her face.
I rolled my eyes. “Me and Lorenzo saw you leaving his place a few weeks ago. So, don’t try to deny it.”
Janine was a dark-skinned beauty, but I swear she was blushing. “Renee…Tyrell, he’s so sweet and kind and sexy. I’m-I’m crazy about him! At first, when I would see him out on the lot waiting for you, I thought he was your new man and girl, I was so jealous, because that’s one big fine teddy bear of a man to me! And now, he’s mine!”
“Oh, Janine. I’m so happy for you. But, uh…how did you two…I mean, he doesn’t talk.”
“Oh, we exchanged numbers one afternoon here out on the parking lot, and then we started texting, and he writes me the sweetest letters. And…I just love him. I really do.”
“Sounds like you might be getting a ring soon.”
“I really hope so. I’d marry him in a heartbeat and move right into that garage apartment with him.”
“You’d leave your house for him?”
“Honey, yes! I’d leave the country for him. He just makes me feel so loved and safe, you know?”
I nodded and smiled again. “Yeah, I know.”
*****
That night, over a dinner of baked boneless, skinless chicken breasts and steamed vegetables (Lorenzo had been on a healthy cooking kick since finding out about my blood pressure issues), we talked about everything from his meetings, to his book sales, to Rell and Janice, to our future plans together.
“You want a big wedding, Doc? Cathedral, white dress, long train, a bunch of bridesmaids?”
I shook my head. “Not particularly. I wouldn’t mind just having something small and intimate like Angie and Ryan did. Their wedding was so beautiful. They had it at this little church our grandmother used to attend. Do you know Ryan actually cried when Angie was walking down the aisle to him?”
“My ass will probably be crying, too,” he said. “So…small, intimate. Your father will give you away?”
I shrugged. “I guess. Really doesn’t matter. We’re not that close. Never have been.”
“Sorry, baby.”
“It’s all right. I mean, he’s my dad and I love him, but he hasn’t been that great of a father. Anyway, I just don’t wanna do the justice of the peace thing again like I did with Robert. I want our wedding to be special.”
“Me, too, baby. Especially since it’ll be the first and last time I get married.”
“It sure will, because I’m not letting your big, fine butt go anywhere.”
He grinned. “So, are you good with this house? Want me to buy you another one?”
“No, I love this house, big-ass furniture and all.”
He laughed. “I love it, too, and it’s got plenty of room for when we start having kids…”
He kept talking, but I didn’t hear a single word after kids. I hadn’t told him about my fertility issues, because…I really don’t know. After Robert and I tried and failed to get pregnant shortly after his first revealed infidelity, I just sort of trained myself not to think about it. The whole ordeal had been so painfully disappointing, trying all these natural methods, taking fertility pills and hormone injections, all to no avail. And with each negative pregnancy test, I grew more and more desperate. We were considering going the adoption route when I found out about Robert’s second affair. By then, we’d literally been trying to conceive for years, I was emotionally exhausted, and I made the decision that I couldn’t bring kids into my obvious shitty mess of a marriage. So I just gave up and pushed the thought of becoming a mother to the back of my mind, along with the painful memories of having tried so hard to make it happen. I decided I’d embrace the fact that I could bring life into the world through my job, and that was enough for me until that woman dropped my husband’s baby off at my doorstep. The feelings of inadequacy came flooding back as I was reminded of the fact that I was the reason we didn’t have children. Robert was obviously capable of making them.
It took months for me to get over that and push it out of my mind, and I’d done so in such an effective manner that I hadn’t even told the man I loved, the man whose ring I was wearing, that I could never give him children.
“…what do you think, baby?”
I had no idea what he was talking about, so with tears crowding my eyes, I said the only thing I could think to say. “Zo, I can’t have children. I’m-I’m unable to have children.”
The smile he was wearing before I spoke slowly faded. “Doc, what—”
“I have a hormonal imbalance. I was a late bloomer, so to speak. Didn’t start my period until I was fifteen. They’re regular, but shorter than they should be. I’m-I’m sorry, Zo. I try so hard not to think about it because it’s painful for me, that I never mentioned it to you, but you deserve to know, so I’m telling you now. If you want your ring back, I’ll understand. I-I’m so sorry.”
“Doc, it’s okay,” he said softly, but when I looked up at him, there was clear disappointment on his face.
I shook my head and let my tears fall. “No, it’s not okay. I should’ve told you long before now. You’re disappointed. I can see it on your face.” I slid the ring off my finger and laid it on the table. “Here.”
I kept my eyes lowered as I wiped the tears from my face, but heard him scoot his chair back and walk around the table. Kneeling beside me, he rested a hand on my thigh. “Doc, look at me.”
I shook my head.
“Baby, look at me. Please.”
I looked at him through watery eyes.
“Put the ring back on.”
I shook my head again.
“Doc, I love you. I’ma always love you. What you just told me didn’t change that. Nothing can change the way I feel about you. I’m glad you told me, but it doesn’t matter. Put the ring back on.”
“Are you sure it doesn’t matter?”
“I’m positive, baby.”
I picked up the ring and slipped it back on my finger. “Good, because I think I love this ring more than I love you.”
“Give me that damn ring back,” he said, with a huge grin on his face.
I rested my hand on his cheek. “Never.”