“Lils?” Someone whispered, gently shaking my shoulder. “Lilly.” I grumbled and shook them away. After another attempt, I peeled my eyes open to see Tyler standing there with a boyish smile on his face. “Hey, baby.”
“Ty.” My voice cracked. “What are you doing here?” Rising onto one elbow, I glanced over my shoulder to find Easton sleeping soundly beside me.
“I had to see you.” Tyler stepped back and sat in the chair, not too far from the bed. He ran his thumb over his dog tags before tucking them into his shirt and picking his beer up off the floor. He looked so young and handsome. “You look happy, baby.” He jutted his chin toward Easton.
“Shh, you’ll wake him,” I whispered, and my hands started to shake, afraid of the outcome.
“Nah, he can’t hear us. This is just me and you.”
“Ty?” My voice shook.
“He’s good for you, baby. He’ll be good to you.”
“Did you send him?”
“I love you, Lils, but it’s time,” he spoke gently and nodded, a faraway look in his eyes and an apologetic smile on his lips.
“What?” Panic snaked its way up my throat. “What do you mean, it’s time?”
“Time to do what’s right. To let you go. Move on.”
“What if that isn’t what I want!” Sometimes this man infuriated me.
“Maybe it’s what you need?” My God, the look he gave me was a look I had seen a thousand times, a look I loved and missed and told me that he thought I was being silly.
I glanced over at Easton one more time to make sure what Tyler had said was true and he couldn’t hear us. “Tyler, why did you spring shit on me in a final letter? We should have discussed those things together before you deployed. God, Ty! You make me so crazy sometimes.” My hands balled into fists, and I huffed, frustrated with the whole damn situation.
I slipped out from under the covers and looked down, checking to make sure I was clothed. I smiled when I saw I had Easton’s red T-shirt on. Then I stood and made my way to where Tyler sat and knelt in front of him.
“I still have no idea what to do. This is such a huge decision to make . . . and then there’s him.” I turned to look at Easton, and when I looked back to Tyler, I saw a tear slip from his eye.
“You have no idea how sorry I am that this happened to you—to us. I love you so much, and it kills me that I’m the reason you’re hurting. I’m the one who put so much doubt in your head. I should’ve just left well enough alone, let you grieve and move on.”
“Maybe.” Wringing my hands together, I looked to the floor and whispered, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
“I can’t. This is something you have to decide, I’m sorry.”
With my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes, I nodded, knowing he was right. The decision was mine to make. But how could I? Someone was bound to get hurt.
“Have you talked to him about it yet?”
I shook my head. Easton deserved to know the truth. And after, we could decide where we went from there . . .
Staring at the shadows dancing on the ceiling, listening to the slow and even sound of Easton’s breathing, I couldn’t lay there any longer plagued with thoughts about him. The guilt had become crippling.
Making sure not to wake Easton, I quietly slipped out of bed and made my way to the kitchen. Then I grabbed his shirt off the counter and pulled it over my head, breathing in his scent.
My eyes locked on the box still sitting there. Giving it some thought, I reached in, fighting against that little voice telling me this was a bad idea. With the dream I just had, I needed to revisit Tyler’s words one more time. Maybe I would find something that might help me make a decision, something I missed the first time around.
I sat on the couch, curled myself into a corner, and removed the letter from the envelope. At this point, my heart was racing. I closed my eyes, unsure if I should be doing this. What good would come out of reading Tyler’s words a second time? Nothing, besides more heartache, that was what.
The second my eyes made contact with his handwriting, a surge of emotions threatened to take over. I blinked back the tears and smiled sadly. It wasn’t until I was halfway through reading, that I heard Easton’s bare feet against the hardwood floor getting closer.
“Hey, what are you doing awake?” His sleep-rough voice did little to calm my racing nerves. He kissed the top of my head and sat next to me. “What’s that you got there?”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
What would I even say?
“Oh, I just had a very pleasant and eye-opening dream with my dead husband and felt the need to come in here and read his final letter one more time.”
Bad idea? Most likely.
When I didn’t answer, he leaned forward, his elbows digging into his thighs and clasped his hands together. “It has something to do with what you didn’t want to tell me earlier, doesn’t it?” It was faint, but I heard the tremble in his voice.
“It does.”
He nodded, and when he hung his head, I handed him the letter.
“You want me to read this?”
I shrugged, debating the best way to go about this. I could explain everything to him, but maybe if he read it with his own eyes, it would ease the blow and make a lot more sense.
“I do, but only if you want to.”
“Okay.” He took the letter and locked my hand in his, kissing the back before bringing it to rest in his lap.
Sitting there with my thoughts running wild, I forced myself to be patient. To let him absorb everything that letter had to say.
After he laid the first page at his side, a tear slid down the side of his cheek, and my heart hurt in more ways than one.
Today would bring us just two days closer to the appointment with Dr. Hardy, which I had no idea how I would go through with. I wanted to ask Easton how he was feeling and what he was thinking, but I didn’t. It was best if I held off and let him ask any questions he might have first.
The silence grew thick around us, until finally he laid the last page beside him and pressed his palms into his eyes. He blew out a long breath and turned to look to at me. Hunched shoulders and sad eyes, he swallowed hard before his mouth opened, but he said nothing. Watching him, my thoughts were swimming, making it nearly impossible to breathe.
“He loved you very much.”
“He did,” I answered, guarded, unsure of the direction this conversation would take.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
I nodded, waiting on pins and needles for what he had yet to say. He masked his features, unreadable, sitting there with his hands clasped and pressed to his lips.
“So what happens now?” he asked.
I paused. “I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday.”
“You’re seriously considering it?” he asked, shock evident in his voice.
I shrugged, still unable to look at him. I was being a coward. Afraid of what I might see in his expression. This was my fault, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
“Lilly, look at me please.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t. Tears had started to burn, and I didn’t want to cry. Not again and surely not in front of him. He had already endured so much where I was concerned, and if his voice showed any indication that he was conflicted, I didn’t want to cause him anymore hurt.
“Lilly.” He took my cheeks between both his hands and gently forced my face to meet his. A storm began brewing in his eyes, and my lip quivered. “Why?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t even made a decision yet, aside from making an appointment and wanting to listen to what the doctor has to say. This all happened before I met you, Easton. I’m sorry.” I stood and dragged my tired body over to the large picture window. “I take that back; I made the appointment a short while after meeting you. It was the same day we drove out to Statesboro.”
“That’s the doctor’s appointment you were talking about?” he mumbled.
“Excuse me?” I never mentioned any of this before.
“Nothing.”
I shifted my attention to look out over the vast open space. The sun peeking over the horizon began melting the dew off the blades of grass. Two birds flitted around on the grass, looking happy, maybe even in love. Everything surrounding us felt so peaceful, except my heart.
Easton walked up behind me and placed both his hands on my shoulders; he kissed the back of my head, and I took comfort in his touch. Then I berated myself for being so selfish. Always seeking comfort from him.
“Do you know the first time I saw you in the cemetery, you had an aura about you?” I slowly shook my head. “You were glowing in the sunlight, and I felt warmth flow through my chest just from watching you.”
“And there I was, thinking you were some weirdo trying to kidnap me.” I giggled softly.
We stood there in the quiet while our minds worked overtime.
“How would this all work?” His voice was so quiet I almost didn’t hear him.
“I’m not sure.”
“I mean—”
I looked back over my shoulder. “What is it?”
“Lilly, he’s not here with you. Are you prepared to give a child that kind of life, knowing their father will never be there? No birthdays or Christmases. He’ll never get to throw a ball around with his son, teach him how to ride a bike, how to drive. What about his little girl? She won’t have him to beg to play dress-up or have a tea party with her. Or never having her daddy as the first man she’s ever loved. Who’s going to walk her down the aisle one day?”
I knew all of this. Leeza had already made note of it, and I still wasn’t sure. I had no idea, really, and by the sound of it, if I did go through with it, Easton just might not stick around—not that I expected him to. Thinking about not having Easton in my life made me physically sick.
“I hate to say this, Lilly, but where do I fit in to this picture?” He let out a long, slow sigh, and it killed me to think he might be contemplating throwing in the towel.
“I’m not sure. I never planned to meet anyone, and I certainly wasn’t looking. Then you unexpectedly show up, all intense eyes and consuming smile. I had no idea I would have feelings for another man . . . for you, and so soon.”
“I never expected to meet you, either. I came here with the mindset that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. My plan was to keep to myself, help my grandmother, and when I was ready—move back home.” I could hear the sadness in his voice. He really did miss his family.
“But, now?” I asked the million dollar question that lingered in the back of my mind.
“Since meeting you, things have changed—or I thought they had.”
“God, Easton.” I sighed and dropped my forehead to his bare chest. “Things have changed for me, too, but—”
“But, what? Am I not enough?”
When I didn’t answer, he held my cheeks in his hands, slowly lifting my face until our eyes met. It was then that I saw the sincerity and truth and pain in his eyes.
“I’m not saying we have to run off and get married this second, but someday, I would like that, wouldn’t you?” I remained quiet as I let his words sink in and the tears fall. “Because I know I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.” There was a short pause. “I understand you’re going through a lot and you have even more to think about, but—” He brushed the tears from my face, giving me a sympathetic smile. “Come here.” He wrapped his arms in that protective hold I had come to love and held me.
I stood there, hanging on and trying to figure out how to let go. He deserved a woman who was ready and able to give him her whole heart, not just parts of it. My logical side argued that Easton should be the one I chose, the one who could give me the life I had wanted at one time or another with Tyler, but my heart argued that it wanted both.
“Come, let’s sit.” He took my hand and led me to the couch. “Please don’t take what I’m about to say in the wrong way.” I nodded, reassuring him. “I know I told you that the way I grew up was for the best, and really, it was, but there was still a tiny piece of me that wished I had a mother and father who loved each other enough to stay together. As I got older and realized what I wanted out of life, I didn’t want to be like my parents. I didn’t want to raise my children in separate homes if I didn’t have to. Having them going back and forth, having two sets of parents. Some guy replacing me during the week and every other holiday. I wanted more for my family when the time came.”
Tears poured out of me as I sat there and asked myself how I ever found such an extraordinary man. The kind of man every woman held out for and could only hope they would find.
“Lilly, life is all about the choices we make, and this is your choice. I just hope—” He choked and turned away. When he sniffled and wiped the back of his hand under his eye, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that it was okay. That I would be that for him. That I would choose him. I just needed time. I didn’t, though. I just reached over and laced my fingers through his.
“How is it that you’re not cussing me out right now and walking out that door?” I asked, carefully pointing to the front door with my free hand.
“Because that is not the kind of man I am.”
“I don’t deserve a man like you, Easton.”
“You know that isn’t true.” He pulled me into his arms, and a tiny voice told me I should just ask him to leave. Spare us both any more heartache. “Every woman deserves a man who treats her with respect and kindness. Just because I’m not losing my shit, flying off the handle, saying ‘Fuck it all,’ it doesn’t mean I have to like what you’ve said. And never mistake kindness for weakness. It takes a hell of a lot more for a man to give respect in the face of adversity than act on his feelings and be a selfish, egotistical prick.” He pressed his lips on my shoulder and spoke softly, “I’m trying to process it all while taking you into consideration.”
“That’s just it, though! You’re thinking about me; you’re always thinking of me, but what about you?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ve already explained how I feel. This is your choice.”
“Fuck!” I forced out quietly and pushed out of his arms. “I just need some time, Easton. This is all too much.”
“I understand. Why don’t you go to your appointment and see what the doctor has to say. Give it a day or two and let me know if you come to a decision.”
“What about you?” I turned to face him. Was it wrong that a tiny piece of me wished he would be the one to come with me?
“I’ll be here, waiting to hear from you.”
Leaving her killed me, but I meant what I said. This was her choice and I would not sway her decision in any which way. It was why I had left. Had I stayed, her sad eyes and frustrations would have broken me down and I would have given in to her.
I seriously wanted a drink and to hit something, but honestly, what would that solve? That I was the selfish egotistical prick I had claimed I wasn’t? Which I really wasn’t, but hell if I didn’t feel like my character wasn’t being tested. Never in my life did I have a woman make me feel this way.
Standing there, at the foot of the granite marker, my eyes remained focused on the name engraved in stone.
Tyler Ethan Gibson
I read it over and over and I still had no idea who he was. What he looked like, what kind of person he might have been. Although standing there, I did feel a connection because of her.
As I shoved my feelings aside, I said a silent prayer then one of gratitude. “Thank you for your service and your sacrifice.” I bowed my head, allowing a few moments of silence. “And thank you for sharing that beautiful woman you sent to me.”
More silence.
A blanket of unease wrapped me up so tightly, I didn’t know if I should turn and leave, forget that I ever stepped foot on that hallowed ground, or stand tall and have it out—man to man.
It was now or never.
My eyes flickered over to my grandmother’s grave, and I knew I couldn’t just walk away.
“She’s come to mean a lot to me. So much that—” I crouched down, my eyes level with his name carved deep into the stone. I pressed my fists to my mouth while my emotions spun out of control. “I know she was yours first, and in some way, she will always be yours. I get it, I do. But I love her, too. I love her so damn much. And I can guarantee you I’m not going anywhere.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “If she decides this is something she wants, I will stand beside her one hundred percent.” I waited in the silence, giving myself a minute to gather the rest of what I had come here to get off my chest.
“I’ll admit. My initial response to your letter and the choice you had left her to make all alone pissed me off. It was a copout, and if you were here to see the hurt in her eyes, you would agree.” I didn’t realize a tear had slipped until the back of my hand automatically brushed it away. “She’s a good woman to even consider something like this. It proves just how far she’s willing to go for the ones she loves. That she loves deep.
“I need you to know. I’m willing to give this to her, regardless of whether I like it or understand it. It’s one thing to keep a loved one’s memory alive, honor their name, but if she goes through with it, how is she ever going to find closure? How is she supposed to move on or live a full life with someone else, someone who is here and willing to give anything and everything for her?”
I had to stop for a minute. My breathing was getting heavy, and I could feel the heat seeping through my pores. It usually took a lot for me to get worked up and after reading that letter and the conversation Lilly and I had, it took even more effort to rein my temper in. Then I said my peace. “As much as it might kill me to think she’d want to carry your child over mine, I won’t make her choose between us.”
By that time, I was more than ready to get out of there. So I walked over to my grandmother’s grave and greeted softly, “Hi, Grandma.” I smiled half-heartedly. “I really miss you.”
After the little pow wow I had, I was at a loss for words. But knowing Georgia Tyler, she didn’t need me to fill our time with conversation or random gibberish. Just my stopping by would have been enough for her.
“I’ll see you later, Grandma. I love you.” I turned to walk away at the same time my phone vibrated. My heart sped up, excited at the thought that Lilly had left me a message. Was it crazy to think she had already made up her mind and that she chose me?
With a hopeful smile, I pulled my phone from my back pocket, but when I saw Sierra’s name, my heart bottomed out.
Sierra: Please come home. I miss you. ♥