“You can do this. It’s just a box.” I tried convincing myself. “Yeah, but the contents inside are probably going to break my heart all over again.” I set the box beside me on the couch.
It took me two weeks to gather the courage and acknowledge that damn box. I knew the letter would be amongst the contents, and I was nowhere prepared to read Tyler’s final words.
Not until tonight.
I poured a heaping glass of white wine, set the bottle on the floor next to my feet, and contemplated how I should go about doing this. Would I shuffle through his belongings then decide how much I could handle. Or summon the strong woman I was and honor my husband’s memory the way he deserved.
I downed the contents of my first glass, refilled it, and reached for the box. As I peeled back the long strip of tape, my heart surged to the back of my throat, and I had to stop halfway.
Why didn’t I call Leeza and ask her to be here with me?
Doing this all on my own seemed like such a difficult task, something I wasn’t sure I could do, but knew I didn’t have much choice—I had to.
After fighting with the crumpled up tape, I pulled it free and then tossed it to the floor.
Baby steps.
I poured another glass, clearly stalling, but there was no way I could rush this. Having the box unsealed was already a big step. Besides the letter, I had no idea what else I would find, and the fear of the unknown held a vise grip around my heart.
I shifted in my seat to face the box, tucked my legs under me, and swirled my wine around. I inhaled and exhaled loudly a few times before pulling back the flaps. A crisp white envelope with my name on it was right there on the top. My hand shook as I removed the letter from the box, took in the neat lines of my name written by Tyler’s handwriting, and burst into tears. I smiled then frowned and wiped the blurring tears away, but they continued to fall effortlessly.
How am I going to do this?
“Couldn’t leave well enough alone could you? Had to go and make me cry like a damn baby?” I sassed and tried to laugh, but a half-hearted smile was the best I could do.
I set the envelope to the side and rummaged through the rest of the contents. A short stack of letters was rubber banded together, and a genuine smile tugged at my lips. I couldn’t believe he kept these.
Neither one of us was overly mushy or sentimental, except on rare occasions like when he was deployed. He told me that my letters were what got him through the long and rough patches, so I never missed a week. Seeing my handwriting and reading my words, gave him the willingness to believe that everything would somehow be all right.
I set the stack down and reached into the box again. Random photos—a handful of him and me and a few of him with his fellow airmen. There were only a couple of guys I recognized. As I focused on Tyler, an odd image of the man from the cemetery with the warm smile and rustic, honey-colored eyes came to mind. I dropped the photo as if it had burned my fingers and goose bumps popped up over every inch of my skin.
My body felt flush, and I fought against the reasons I was thinking about a complete stranger. Then I argued with myself that it was all due to the wine. There was no other logical explanation for why I was warm and tingly.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling guilty for no reason. It wasn’t as if I were involved with the man. Still, the way my body seemed to react simply at the thought of him was unexpected.
Forcing through, I removed one of Tyler’s T-shirts, bringing it to my nose. The faint smell of him lingered, and my heart ached. Soon that smell would be nonexistent, just like his presence, and I hated that each day he was slipping further away.
Sitting there with pieces of Tyler had quickly become too much. I poured myself another glass of wine, this time to the rim and didn’t stop to take a breath until I drank the glass dry. The warmth I experienced a minute ago raged through me, and this time, there was no doubt the wine was doing what I had set out for it to do.
I set the glass on the floor by my feet, curled up with Ty’s T-shirt and the letter, closed my eyes, and held the shirt to my nose. I loved the smell of Ty, manly and musky with a hint of clean. I allowed myself a minute to just breathe him in before I pulled the lip of the envelope back and slowly pulled the pages out. The second I saw Ty’s handwriting, tears welled in my eyes again.
Dear Lilly,
This is actually the third “final” letter I’ve written to you. The first I wrote a week before boot camp ended. I knew at some point I would be deployed, and well, in this line of work, you never know what’ll happen. The second letter I wrote while we were kind of separated. You were in college and I was stationed in Guam. I hated not being with you, and I’m glad I got to rip up that letter when I got home because it was a bit too emotional, especially for me. Writing these letters is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. To leave you with my final words on paper and not have them come from my lips is worse than any training I’ve had to endure. But I’ve been able to bear it because I knew I would see you again. This letter . . . this letter doesn’t feel like the first two.
I’m leaving for deployment tomorrow, and I’ve been having these unnerving feelings. It’s almost as if I know I won’t make it back.
So, if you’re reading this, you know I didn’t make it home.
That is the first thing I need to apologize for.
The second thing I need to apologize for is that I made you wait so long to read this.
I hope by now you’re doing okay, that you have grieved for me, and your heart is no longer heavy, especially since it’s been at least six months, maybe even longer since I’ve been gone. Yes, this is why I had my dad promise me he wouldn’t give you this box until he thought you were ready to handle what I had to say. I needed you to grieve, mourn my death, and curse my name for leaving you. Hopefully now, you’re ready to let go. So when you read these words, I hope you understand and find it in your heart to agree with me.
I guess the best way to start this is by telling you that I love you.
I’ll always love you. I know we’ve said it a million times, but those three words could never hold the weight of just how much. I’d do and give anything for you. You were always my sunshine. From the very first time I laid eyes on you, you not being my girl stopped being an option. I was determined, and if for some reason you turned me down, I would keep trying. Show up on your doorstep and become a permanent fixture. I told myself I would try until I turned blue in the face. I would turn shit upside down, and if I had to, I would have followed you to the ends of the earth until you finally agreed to be mine. Lucky for me, you had the hots for me, too.
I laughed through the tears. We were both lucky we had the hots for each other. Back in high school, Tyler and RJ were two of the hottest guys on campus, true gentlemen with swagger and charm.
You have always been so vibrant and full of life. A girl who didn’t take shit from anyone, not even me—most of the time. I will always love and respect that about you. Not too many girls could compete where you were concerned. Never needy or ragging on me, you went with the flow. A guy couldn’t ask for a better ride-or-die girl by his side.
Through the years, you blossomed into this beautiful woman, and I couldn’t have been more proud to have called you mine.
Then there was the fact that you supported and encouraged me to live out my dream. You stood by my side all these years, even in times when we had to be apart. These have been some of the best and scariest years of my life. Before you, I never wanted anything more than to be yours and to be a pilot in the US Air Force. To soar the skies, feel the rush, the speed. Mama always said I could never keep my feet on the ground, and she was right.
If I were a bigger man, I would’ve let you live a life with someone who came home to you every night. Who was there to hold and kiss you, have conversations about everything and nothing at all, give you the family you so desperately wanted and deserved. I’m not a bigger man. I’m selfish, and I love you too much to have considered that. I’m not sure many women could have endured this life as you have.
It’s why I can’t let you spend the rest of your life wishing I were still alive. Lilly, I need you to find someone to love and who loves you back. This is not easy to say, but you need to move on.
“What!” I screeched and pressed the letter to my chest as my heart beat rapidly against the cage of my ribs. What the hell was he talking about? Was he out of his mind? Did he plan this with my mother?
I buried my face in his T-shirt and cried. I didn’t want to move on. I wanted him and only him. We vowed, and that vow went far, far beyond this life. When my time came to leave this earth, I would scour the heavens for him. We will be reunited. Our souls were connected. There was nothing that could sever the bond we shared.
“No!” I barked and pulled the T-shirt from my face. “How could you ask that of me?” The tears came down harder as I clutched the letter in anger and kept reading.
You ready to listen now?
I know this is hard for you to read. Hell, if I’m being honest, I want to kick my own ass for suggesting it, but you have to. You cannot be alone for the rest of your life, thinking and dreaming about what could have been. You are young and beautiful. God, you are so beautiful. And you have so much to live for.
“It’ll never happen, Ty. I could never move on. Exist? Yes. Go through the motions? Fine. But don’t ask that of me,” I mumbled through a fresh round of tears, completely aware of how crazy I must have looked talking to myself. I sniffled and hated that the tender skin under my eyes started to burn as I continued to read.
I remember one of the last talks RJ and I had and his words I will never forget: It takes a special kind of woman to be a soldier’s wife.
You are that woman, Lilly, and for that, I thank you.
There was more to read, but I couldn’t bring myself to flip the page. Reading Tyler’s words had begun to weigh heavy on my heart. Not once had I ever doubted his love for me, but reading his words took me to a whole new dimension. I gently folded the letter and tucked it back into the envelope. Holding his words close to my heart, I closed my eyes, curled up on the couch, and prayed that I could somehow, someday, honor his request—for him.
“Shit,” I cursed when the cold from the floor shot through my feet, and then I froze when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “You look like absolute shit,” I grumbled to myself, and my face scrunched in disgust. My hair was a ratted mess, and my eyes were puffy and red. I looked like Rudolph on Christmas Eve with the tip of my nose shining bright. “You need to pull yourself together.”
I turned the shower on, stripped, and did my business while waiting for the water to heat up.
Steam slowly billowed through the room, and my body hummed in anticipation of the relief the hot water would bring to my tired and aching body. I tiptoed into the shower and moaned as the hot water touched my skin. I hadn’t felt this heavenly in ages.
I soaked up the warmth. Every part of my body found some kind of relief, from my back, to my neck, and even my heart. While the water massaged and washed away my pain, I hung my head and thought about all that I had read last night. All the things Tyler had to say and how he wanted me to move on. I had no idea how he expected me to honor his request or what else was in that letter. Honestly, I was unsure if I could finish reading the rest of his words.
A cold shiver ran the length of my spine at the thought of what else might be in that letter. I turned the dial up a little more and enjoyed the hot water before shampooing my hair and washing my body. Such simple tasks, yet they made me feel slightly better.
Once I was towel dried and dressed, ready for another day in hiding, I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea and grabbed my phone off the counter as I passed. Like most days, there was a text from my sister waiting for me. Leeza and her lecturing voice came to mind, warning me to stay away from the bottle or there would be hell to pay. I didn’t see what the big deal was. Jesus drank wine.
Leeza: Left a bucket of sunflowers on the front porch. Mrs. Wilkes brought a whole bunch.
Call me later.
Me: Thanks for the flowers. I will.
It was only seven twenty a.m., and I assumed Leeza stopped by on her way to the salon, which was a bit early seeing as she didn’t open until ten. I reached into the dish drain, grabbed Tyler’s favorite mug, and almost gagged at the stained coffee remnants. I was a tea kind of girl. Still, stains and all, I never used another mug.
I filled the cup with hot water and gently bobbed the tea bag. Then I gave it a few minutes to steep and headed to the front porch.
The second I stepped foot past the front door, rays of sunshine warmed me. For the first time in a long time, my heart felt its warmth, too. With the early morning air surrounding me, I wrapped my sweater a little tighter around my chest and stood there soaking it all in, letting the sun kiss my cheeks.
Just as Leeza had said, a bucket full of beautiful, yellow sunflowers was tucked in the corner. The me from yesterday might have left them there, too mad at life to allow even the tiniest sliver of beauty into my personal space. The me that woke this morning walked over, scooped up a handful of the annuals, and brought them inside, hoping that maybe the flowers would be the start of giving some life to my dreary space.
The other half I would take to Tyler’s grave, which I hadn’t been to since the day his father dropped off the box. I wasn’t proud of avoiding the area, but I just didn’t know how to put a handle on my emotions. I couldn’t bring myself to visit Ty.
On my way to the cemetery, I drove by the park where Tyler and I used to hang out. The sight of the swing set he would push me on had me stopping and pulling into the deserted park. Everything looked as I remembered, albeit a bit weathered.
On the left was the jungle gym and see-saw, and on the right was the old, worn-out swing set. The sand pit off to the side could have also used a fresh load of sand.
I stepped out of my car and went straight for the swing set.
The strip of black plastic seemed lower to the ground than I remembered, but I still gripped the chains and closed my eyes. My throat became thick with emotion, and I pushed back the burning tears. All of these little reminders made it seemingly impossible to move on. If the tables were turned, if Tyler could have fulfilled his own request, would he have? Would he have moved on?
Lazily pushing myself, I sat there, wishing Tyler were pushing me, laughing and enjoying just being with me. The chains squeaked, and the sound alone conjured a memory, taking me back to a happier time when Tyler was still alive.
“I’ll race you.” I had taunted and had taken off running for the swings. I had known he wouldn’t try to outrun me. He never did. “Last one has to push.” I had giggled.
“You’re a cheater.”
“No way, you’re just a slow poke.” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Nah, I got a really good view. Just the way I like it.”
Stopping short in front of the swings, I rested my hands on my knees and eyed him from over my shoulder. From the way I stood bent at the waist, I knew my cutoffs were showing more skin than should be allowed. I didn’t care. I kind of liked tormenting him. As he got closer, he proved my theory correct. Ty winked and gave me that sexy smirk.
“Go on.” He tipped his chin toward the swing. “Put that cute lil ass of yours on that seat, and I’ll push you . . . since I lost ‘n’ all.” I giggled softly, and like the good girlfriend I was, I dropped down onto the swing, gripped the chains, and scuffed my Chucks in the sand.
“You might want to take up jogging or sprint walking, even,” I goaded. “You know . . . to build endurance.” My head had fallen as I had laughed.
“Oh, yeah? I’ll show you endurance.” He had gently grabbed me by the chin, leaned in, and owned my lips . . .
It was as if, even after all this time had passed, I could still feel the heat of his lips against mine. I swallowed hard and blinked back the tears. It hurt to be reminded that I’d never get to kiss those lips again.
Maybe stopping there wasn’t such a great idea after all.
I got up, dusted off the back of my shorts, and took one last look around. No matter where I went in this small town, a mountain of memories would surround me, and there was no escaping it.
“I hope moving back home wasn’t a huge mistake.”
The drive from the park to the cemetery took a whole five minutes, and if I didn’t have a bucket of sunflowers with me, I would’ve walked.
As it was, I had a hard enough time lugging the extra weight from my car to Tyler’s grave. I set the bucket to the side, crouched down, and began cleaning away the old and dried arrangements. I debated between leaving the flowers in the bucket and laying them at the base of his headstone.
I pulled two stems out and laid them down. They looked nice there, the contrast of the dark granite stone made the yellow seem brighter, warming the desolate place.
“Hi.”
“What the hell?” I all but screamed before stumbling back and falling on my ass.
“I’m sorry.” The guy rushed to apologize while holding his hand out.
Captivated by the intricate and colorful designs inked in caramel-colored skin, my eyes began their ascent from his wrist, over the cords of his forearm, and all the way up until his tattoos disappeared under the sleeve of his shirt. When I looked higher, those eyes knocked the wind from my chest.
“Are you all right? I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I gulped, searching for air. My previous assumption of the man was correct. He was absolutely gorgeous. The stranger smiled, and I looked away. What the hell was going on with me?
Refusing his hand, I pushed myself up and took a couple of steps back, coming to a stop with a few feet between us.
“Hi,” he repeated, hesitantly showing off a perfect set of shiny white teeth.
I didn’t answer. I was still being held captive by those rustic, honey-colored eyes.
Tyler’s eyes.
“Miss? Are you okay?” His smile dropped, and his brows pinched. “I really am sorry for startling you.”
“Fine,” I answered flatly, staring directly into his eyes. Not that I had much choice. They seemed to have stolen my free will and were refusing to give it back. The longer I stared, the more my body became attuned to the strange man. My cheeks flushed, and a shiver rolled upward from the bottom of my spine and across my shoulders. Other parts of my body started to tingle, and that was when I found the strength to pull my gaze from his.
“Miss, are you sure? Your face is turning red—”
“Shit.” I tucked my chin to my chest and turned to the side, hoping to gather myself. “I’m fine, really. Sorry . . .”
“If you’re sure.” I recognized concern in his voice, and he stared at me a moment longer before asking, “I came over to see if maybe . . . you might be willing to sell me a couple of your sunflowers.” He pointed to the bucket. “They were my grandmother’s favorite.”
He smiled, and seriously, how could I say no to such a warm smile? But apparently, I didn’t say anything at all. How could I with those eyes . . . and that voice?
I was intrigued.
And speechless.
Then his smile faded. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He turned and began walking away.
What? Why is he walking away?
My voice caught in my throat, and I tried again. “Hey.” It was weak at best, but he still turned around. “Sure.” I glanced at the bucket then back at him. “Help yourself.”
He smiled and backtracked in his steps. “Thank you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few bills.
“No.” I held my hand up and shook my head. “There’s no need for that . . . just go ahead and help yourself.”
“Are you sure? I can pay—”
“No, it’s fine.” I offered him a gentle smile. “My sister shared them with me. It’s only right to share them as well.” I could’ve kicked myself for sounding so affected by this strange gentleman.
“Thank you. It’s very kind of you.” He reached into the bucket and pulled out three stems. “Thank you again, I really do appreciate this.” He kept his eyes locked on mine for a minute, clearly questioning what was happening. “I should put these . . .” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder.
“Are you sure that’s all you want? You’re welcome to take more.”
“This is perfect, thank you.” His all-consuming gaze held me in place again, and when his eyes flickered to my mouth, I felt it to my core. Something unexplainable was taking place, and I had no idea if I should be afraid or enamored.
Seriously! What in the Sam Hill is going on with me?
“Well . . .” His lips curled up in one corner, and he looked over his shoulder again.
“Of course, please, don’t let me keep you.”
I didn’t want him to feel obligated to talk to me since I shared something with him.
“Thank you, again.” He smiled and then slowly turned around and walked away.
My eyes travelled slowly from the back of his neck, over his muscular back, and ended on his cute ass before I finally managed a whispered, “You’re welcome.”