Chapter Seventeen

LARA

I’ve finally managed to get Riley to go to sleep by the time Ethan comes over to pick her up. It’s not the best timing, but considering how incredibly stressful the day has been, I care less about messing up her sleep schedule than I do about her getting some sleep.

I’d managed to leave a note on the door for Ethan in the midst of trying to deal with Riley as she screamed and wailed and cried from the discomfort of teething, telling him not to knock, just to come straight in, because I was trying to keep Riley asleep. Thank God, he stops to read the note and manages to step into my apartment as silently as possible, and Riley only stirs a little bit before curling up tighter in her playpen and falling back into a deep sleep.

“Tough day, Lara?”

I nod, sitting down at the kitchen table. Ethan smiles wryly at me.

“I remember Alexis saying teething was the worst,” he says.

“If I’d had any idea how bad it could get…” I shake my head. But no matter how miserable dealing with Riley while she’s teething is, I have to admit that overall I wouldn’t trade taking care of her for anything else in the world. It’s been five months since we’ve started the system of taking care of her on different days, and every day that I see Riley just seems to make me love her more, even if she’s completely and totally exhausting.

“Alexis said that a few times, too,” Ethan tells me with a quiet chuckle. “The first time Riley kept her up all night, the next morning she told me it was my fault completely.”

I snort at that. It’s easy to imagine my sister irritably telling her husband that it’s his fault she had to stay up all night with the baby, not because of any kind of neglect on his part, but because he got her pregnant in the first place.

“I’m sorry I don’t have dinner ready,” I say.

Ethan shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it,” he says.

“I’m going to be up all night making up work I missed,” I say, and close my eyes. “I’d better put the coffee on.”

“Let me do it, and I’ll order you something to eat. How about that?”

I’m shocked at how sweet Ethan is being. Ever since we had our argument about things between me and him, him and Alexis, and me and Alexis, it’s been a little strained. But I have to admit that I’m sort of relieved we had the talk anyway.

“That would be amazing,” I say, scrubbing at my face with my fingertips. “God, I just hope Riley stays asleep for you. She’s been a little monster all day.”

“Yeah, the first time she went through teething, it was miserable,” Ethan says.

“I bet,” I say, shaking my head again. I open my eyes and see him tapping through his phone, looking up something.

“Order whatever you want, I already put in your address,” he says, handing the phone to me. He’s pulled up GrubHub, and I look through the different restaurants that are in my area. I decide after a few minutes to order myself some Indian food.

“Do you want to eat with me? It’ll save you some time tonight after you get home,” I point out. Ethan considers for a moment and takes his phone back, adding his own wants to the order.

I look it over. It’s practically a feast, and thinking of it, my mouth waters. I add a mango lassi and submit the order, handing the phone back to Ethan.

“The first time Riley went through teething, she ran a fever for two days straight and I’m pretty sure Alexis didn’t sleep the whole time,” Ethan says. He shakes his head and stands up.

The coffee maker beeps and I jump up, afraid that Riley’s going to awaken, but she just continues sleeping, under the combined efforts of her own exhaustion and baby Tylenol.

“Sorry, I’ve been trying to get her to get at least a little sleep all day,” I say, sitting back down. Ethan nods his understanding and gets to work pouring me a cup of coffee.

“At least she’s almost done,” he points out, and mentally I count how many teeth Riley has and how many more she should have coming in. They can’t all be this terrible, can they?

“Thank God adult teeth aren’t like this,” I say, accepting the coffee from him. “Help yourself, too,” I add.

“Thanks,” Ethan says, getting another mug down for himself. For a few minutes we sit there in silence drinking coffee, and as my brain decompresses a bit from the stresses of the day, I think about what Ethan said about Alexis, and I think about our discussion from before.

“I’ve been thinking,” I say quietly.

Ethan raises an eyebrow at that. “You can think while Riley’s carrying on?”

I smile wryly. “I mean, in general. I guess… it has to be really hard for you, especially hard. With Alexis… dead.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Ethan says. “I haven’t really let myself think about it as much as maybe I should.”

“Why not?”

Ethan shrugs. “It just… I feel like if I let myself really think about it, then I’ll just get overwhelmed and bogged down by it. What good does that do anyone, especially Riley?”

I lick my lips, thinking for a few moments, and take another sip of my coffee. “It’s got to get lonely, though,” I say quietly.

“Lonely?” Ethan raises an eyebrow again and I feel the blood rushing into my cheeks a little bit.

“Well, I mean, I’m lonely and I’m not even used to having a spouse,” I point out.

“You’re lonely? I never would have guessed,” Ethan says.

I laugh, as quietly as I can, remembering that Riley is asleep just in the next room.

“I haven’t been with anyone in… probably a year or more,” I tell him. Ethan’s eyes go wide.

“You haven’t even kissed anyone?”

I shake my head.

“You and Alexis hooking up like you did kind of…” I stop myself. “That, and I’ve been so focused on my career that I just haven’t even really wanted to date. And you kind of need to at least go on a date to kiss someone.”

“There’s Tinder, you know,” Ethan says, his voice dry as a bone.

“I’m not into that,” I say quickly. I look Ethan over for a few moments. Is he on Tinder? The idea of Ethan getting nearly anonymous sex hookups on his phone is sickening to me, even more than it was for him to have been involved with my sister, somehow.

“That makes sense, but it’s not like it would be difficult for you to find someone, if you were really looking,” Ethan says.

“I don’t know,” I say, but my cheeks burn with a blush.

“You’re still beautiful,” Ethan tells me. “Even more beautiful than ever.”

He holds my gaze for a long moment and I can feel my heart beating faster in my chest. I feel the way I used to feel in the days before Ethan and I started dating properly, that giddy, fluttery feeling that I used to love so much.

“Shut up,” I say, but I can’t quite meet his gaze.

Ethan moves, and I don’t stop him, and somehow he’s lifting me out of my seat, and tilting my face up to his, and then we’re kissing. I know it’s wrong, and in the back of my mind, I think that I should make him stop, or at least make myself stop, but I start responding to him almost before I can fully form the thought, before I can control myself.

The kiss deepens, and I feel Ethan’s hands on me. For a few seconds, it’s like cheap time travel, I can remember all too well how it was with Ethan before things went bad between us, before I broke us up. I reach up and wrap my arms around Ethan’s shoulders, and press my body against his. I tremble in Ethan’s grip, and before I know what’s happening, he pushes me against the counter, and the heat of his body sinking into mine feels so good, feels so right and perfect, that I almost can’t stand it.

I pull back all at once as it hits me that what we’re doing isn’t good, or right, or perfect. It’s wrong, and bad, and absolutely flawed. Why am I letting my brother-in-law kiss me like this? With his hands slipping up under my shirt, barely skimming at my breasts? Even more to the point, why should it feel like ripping fishing hooks out of my skin to break away from him? It nearly kills me to make myself stop, even though I know it’s wrong to be kissing a man who only months before I’d sworn I’d never willingly have anything to do with again. A man who was married to my sister, who would still be married to her if she hadn’t died.

“We can’t do this,” I say quietly.

“Do what?” Ethan looks down at me, holding onto my gaze, and it’s so hard not to give into the obvious heat in his eyes. I can almost feel him wanting me, and some part of me desperately wants him, in spite of knowing that I shouldn’t have anything to do with him and in spite of how much I’ve spent the last two years hating the man.

“We can’t get physical,” I tell him.

Ethan frowned in confusion at my point.

“Why not?”

I glance in the direction of the living room, where Riley is, thankfully, still asleep.

“We have to think about Riley. We can’t keep clear-headed about each other, and make good decisions about Riley, if we make things complicated between us.” I push him away from me gently, and Ethan steps back. Thank God, we got this out of the way before the food got here, I think, only belatedly realizing that the delivery guy should be at my door at any minute.

“We can still make good decisions for Riley if we get physical,” Ethan counters.

I shake my head.

“Things are way too complicated as it is. We can’t afford to make that worse,” I say firmly. I step away from Ethan and sit back down, my head still spinning with what had happened between us.