Chapter 10
“You don’t have to do this,” West told Annie for the third time. “I can take Zane or Nox.”
Hell, anyone else.
After they’d dropped Mack off at HQ so she could get some shut eye, they’d been tromping around the woods near the fallout shelter. West would sleep after they’d located a body, but they’d been trying to find it for an hour with no luck. They were getting nowhere fast.
For everybody’s sake, West wanted to end this. Now.
“No, this is my responsibility.” Annie’s face was ashen. She hadn’t said more than a handful of words, and all of them were in response to a direct question.
In desperation, West turned to Stormy for help. “We’ve hit a wall. Any bright ideas?”
“As a matter of fact, I’ve just gotten satellite access. Relax, West, the eye of the Storm is upon you,” he intoned, booming into the microphone.
West shook his head.
“I might be able to narrow down your search.”
“How’d you get it?” Other than Huck, West didn’t have any connections with law enforcement in this area. So he didn’t have access to such cool toys.
“I asked really nicely?”
“Horseshit.”
There was a lengthy pause on the comms.
Annie was wearing and earbud too but wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation. She appeared to be lost in her own thoughts. Or lost in general.
“Consider it a midnight requisition.”
West snorted. It was a military term for borrowing or downright stealing something. This must be Storm’s so-called side project.
“You’re tryin’ to get us into trouble, aren’t you?”
“No, actually I’m trying to help you.” West heard the distinctive tap-tap-tap of computer keys in the background. “Satellite can only help so much. And you’re out in the middle of nowhere, so I can’t jack some security cams.”
“Do you see any ponds?”
“Yeah, at least a half a dozen of them. Also, lots of grass and trees. Cows, too. Corn is a major theme, as well.”
West groaned under his breath. “Anything useful?”
“Hey! Is it my fault you live in the middle of nowhere?”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you live here too.”
“Sorry, Chief, I got nothing.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s helpful, thanks.”
“I live to serve.”
“Do you think Doe was blowin’ smoke up our asses?” They’d already investigated two ponds and hadn’t seen any signs of a body.
“No clue. Your guess is as good as mine.”
There wasn’t much in the way of landmarks he could use to orient himself. Even his GPS in the Jeep didn’t help matters. They were standing in the middle of a green blob, according to the computer.
“Take another look and tell me if you spot somethin’.”
“Will do. I’ll get back to you. Storm over and out.”
***
Another hour passed and they were near another pond.
At least, Annie thought it was a different pond. It wasn’t like they were labeled, although this one was much larger than the rest. Annie sniffed, and she could detect something, under the damp air.
Some kind of fishy funk? No, it was the odor of rot, decay.
“Do you smell that?” Annie asked, and West dipped his head in confirmation.
She strolled around the water’s edge, with West right behind her. They were both scenting the air like a couple of bloodhounds. It kept getting stronger. A wicked stench rolled in from the pond as they got closer to the east side. A hint of ammonia, and the reek of putrid flesh.
She held her wrist to her nose to block the disgusting odor while West pulled the top of his T-shirt over his own nose and mouth.
As she got closer, Annie could make out a grayish figure beneath the water. A body was caught up beneath a boat launch, her arms and legs entangled with the rickety wooden structure. It wobbled as though ready to collapse at any second.
There was no way to get to her without stepping into the water.
“Should we call this in?” Annie asked.
“Yeah, eventually, but if we contact the Marshal Service, it’ll make the news when they send reinforcements.”
Annie nodded. “And all that noise will tip Turner off.”
“Yup, and he’ll go into hidin’ again, and we won’t get a chance to catch his ass.”
Annie couldn’t take that chance.
Grimly, she took off her shoes.
“What do you think you’re doin’?”
“We need a closer look at the body. I wanna make sure he did this, don’t you? Maybe Turner left her ID, too. I’d like to inform her family soon so they won’t spend their time searching for her.”
“No, let me.” West placed a hand on her shoulder, and she squeezed it, but shook her head.
“I have to do this, West. This is all my fault, and it’s my responsibility. Not yours.” Annie expected him to argue with her, but he just nodded.
She removed her socks and rolled the legs of her jeans up around her knees. And then Annie waded into the water. The silt squished between her toes as she sloshed toward the body.
As she got closer, the smell nearly took her breath away. Steeling herself, Annie bent over to examine Turner’s handiwork.
Bits of the woman’s flesh were missing. Fish and snapping turtles had probably been nibbling on the carcass. It had evidently been more appetizing since she’d been bleeding. Even the pond water had a crimson undertone.
The young woman’s hair floated around her nude body. Her eyes were open and sightless, frozen in horror. Cuts covered her arms and legs, across her chest, over her belly. Her breasts had been mutilated as well and the nipples were completely gone.
Goddamn you, Turner.
No, damn me for not being careful.
Annie felt dizzy, sick.
This wasn’t the first body Annie had seen, but it was the worst. She wouldn’t have died if Annie had done her job.
The world spun around her, and she clutched the wood for support. She forced herself to grab the purse floating in the water beside the girl and pulled out her driver’s license.
Michelle Stewart. Age 20. Annie committed Michelle’s name to memory. She’d never forget it.
“He did this?” West asked. His voice sounded faraway somehow. Or maybe she just felt disconnected from everything.
“Yeah. Should I pull her out?” It seemed wrong to leave Michelle floating there, abandoned in her watery grave. She deserved to be laid to rest properly.
“Negative. I don’t want to disturb the body. If the water didn’t wash away all of the evidence, the cops might be able to get something from it. ”
“Okay.” Annie didn’t put up much of a protest. She really didn’t want to touch the body either. Instead, she climbed out of the water, and her limbs felt heavy as she slogged toward the grass. Annie felt like she’d gained a thousand pounds.
It’s not the water weighing you down.
When she was on dry land once more, Annie bent over at the waist and threw up.
***
“Where are we going?”
An hour later they sat at a red light on the highway. Annie had no clue how long they’d been driving, or where they were going. She’d been too lost in her own thoughts.
West turned to her. “I thought you could use a drive to clear your head.”
He was right. At the moment, she had trouble thinking.
She kept repeating that fateful Monday night over and over again on a loop. Annie played the “what if” game with herself.
What if I’d strip searched them? What if I hadn’t lost my gun? What if I’d gone for help?
It was enough to drive anyone nuts.
They stopped at a local state park.
After they’d gotten a visitor’s pass from the guard station, Annie had stepped into one of the campground showers and rinsed off, although she didn’t have soap or shampoo. At least she could sluice off the worst of it. She hadn’t even been able to put on her shoes after emerging from the pond because her feet were covered in mud.
After getting as clean as possible, she’d dried off with her T-shirt, before changing into a Black Star sweat suit. Thankfully, West kept a couple of them in the trunk for emergencies.
West had been helpful tonight. He hadn’t tried to talk to her about the murder or her reaction to it, and she appreciated the emotional distance he’d given her, while she dealt with the guilt and regret.
She’d pulled her hair up into a messy bun, and it dripped down her back. Part of her wanted to just crawl back in bed and start this whole damned day over again, but duty and all of that crap.
It was hard not to feel defeated. One step forward, twenty steps back.
“It isn’t your fault,” West said after she climbed back into the Jeep. Evidently, the silence portion of the evening was over.
Her bullshit meter went off. “Yes, it is. You don’t have to comfort me.”
“I’m just bein’ honest.”
“And how are you doing?” She’d been so focused on herself, Annie didn’t think to ask. Maybe because West seemed so solid, as though nothing got to him. He was a wall, a rock, an immovable object.
“Let me tell you.” West tugged the keys out of the ignition and turned to face her. “I’ve seen a lot of death, more than most people. In battle, people die for a purpose, a reason. There’s always a larger goal, but this was senseless slaughter. The woman died so Turner could get off and it’s hard to wrap my head around it.” He frowned. “Don’t get me wrong, I can handle it. I can handle anything really.” She got the sense he was talking more to himself than to her.
“I’m betting those terrorists are looking pretty good right now, huh?”
“Damn straight.” West pinned her with his gaze. “Are you ready?”
“Ready for what?” Annie asked, even though she knew what he meant. Maybe playing dumb would delay the inevitable.
He raised a brow. “We’ve pussyfooted around enough, don’t you think?”
“You want to talk about Mike.”
“Yes.”
Annie leaned back in her seat. “I already told you he’s gone.”
“Yeah, but I’ve got this hunch. Somehow, I don’t think you gave me the whole story.”
No point in lying. “Mike is dead, brain-dead at least. Mike’s body might be in a hospital room, but he’s no longer there.”
When she’d woken up in the hospital, the doctors had told her what happened to Mike and she’d insisted on seeing him, sitting with him and holding his hand as she tried to coax Mike into waking up.
Eventually, Annie had given up hope. He would never open his eyes again, breathe without the help of a machine. She’d had to accept it and move on.
“You didn’t kill Mike.”
“No, I did something much worse.”
“How do you figure?”
“If he’d died, Becky would’ve been able to move on. She would’ve mourned, grieved for him, but then she would have found another path forward. Instead, I took away her future husband, as well as her future.”
West opened his mouth, but she held up a hand to shush him.
“Don’t try to make me feel better.” Nothing he could say would ease the burden, anyway. “Becky goes to the hospital several times a week, but she refuses to pull the plug.”
Annie hated to think of Mike lying there, helpless, attached to machines, unable to interact with the rest of the world. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m done talking about it.” Her throat ached, and she shut her eyes. “Can we please discuss something else?”
West sighed loudly. “Fine, I’ll do the talkin’, but I want you to listen. Really listen. I’m gonna tell you somethin’ real personal. I figure I owe you.”
Annie gulped. “How so?”
“Since I know your deepest, darkest pain, it’s time I tell you about mine.”
“You’re going to tell me about your son?”
West nodded.
And Annie held her breath.
***
“What happened to him?”
A fresh stab of grief sliced into his gut.
Annie was hurting, and he wanted to ease the ache, let her know she wasn’t the only one who shouldered guilt, experienced loss. They had so much in common, more than she realized.
Thinking about Tommy was a mixed bag. Sometimes it made West smile, other times he laughed about old memories. And others, it conjured grief and pain, like now.
West forced the words out.
“First, you should understand somethin’. I wasn’t much of a father or a husband at the time. I loved my family, but I was always gone, and I wasn’t there when they needed me most.” He scratched his chin. “Even when I was home, I was exhausted, both physically and mentally, from the things I’d seen and done. I always wanted to be a Navy SEAL, but I didn’t consider the impact it would have on them. Or me.”
West had been jet-lagged from his excursions to the Middle East, exhausted, his brain filled with all kinds of horrors. Not that he was making excuses for his behavior. West knew he’d made the choice to wall himself off from his family, crawl into his own private cave to lick his wounds.
Annie nodded. “I think I know what you mean. It’s hard for civilians to understand what the military, or a para-military organization, does to a person. The job takes a toll.”
“Exactly.” West shut his eyes. “But I can’t blame the job entirely. I’m the one who fucked up, and you’d better believe, if I got another chance, I’d handle things differently. I would’ve made lots of other decisions. I might not have become a SEAL in the first place. I would’ve just stayed in the Navy, or gone into the private sector.”
But he’d loved the challenge of it, the prestige, pushing himself to move up the ladder. There had been a price for his achievements, a terrible one.
Annie was quiet, letting him talk it out, listening. Every once in a while, she dipped her head in understanding.
“Before I was scheduled for deployment, Tommy got the sniffles. Paige pulled him out of school, but Tommy wasn’t gettin’ any better. He had trouble sleepin’, didn’t eat much.”
He saw it all in his head, clear as anything. West had revisited those memories again and again until they were sharp in his mind.
Inescapable.
Once again, in his mind’s eye, West stood in his son’s bedroom doorway.
“Hey, buddy, how are you feelin’?”
The carpet was strewn with crayons, miniature cars, and clothing. West picked his way through the chaos. Tommy was curled up in his bed, under the Hulk covers. That was his favorite superhero.
Tommy’s room had a Hulk theme. He’d begged for the comforter and sheets for weeks, and they’d wrapped it all up for him under the Christmas tree. Tommy had been so excited, he’d raced up to his room, abandoning the pile of presents, to redecorate.
It was the first time he’d ever seen his son excited over something other than toys. West thought he was growing up, and he’d gotten a glimpse of the teenager he’d grow into one day, but Tommy didn’t get a chance to go through puberty.
“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” West told Annie. “I mean, children get sick all the time.” Annie laid a hand on his arm, and he placed his own over it, needing the intimacy, a kind touch.
Sometimes the guilt ate him alive.
The truth was, West had been part-time parent. He left in the middle of the night, going God only knows where. It left Paige by herself to raise the kids. It wasn’t fair to Tommy and Katie, or Paige. Or himself, to be perfectly honest. West had wanted to be a father, and he’d missed everything.
West had been a quarterback in high school and he’d hoped Tommy would follow in his footsteps. He would’ve loved to go to his games, sit in the stands and cheer him on.
And yet West hadn’t even made the time to play catch with him.
Tears filled his eyes and West blinked them away, clasping Annie for support, as the memories ravaged him, held him accountable for his many sins.
Once again, West saw his son struggling to breathe, his eyes half-mast…
“Tommy? Are you awake?”
“Hey, Dad,” he said, blinking.
West placed a hand on Tommy’s forehead, and it was hot to the touch. “You’ve got a fever.” He felt both of his cheeks, just to be sure, and they blazed with heat as well.
“Mom said she made you a doctor’s appointment tomorrow mornin’ and he’ll get you fixed up.”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t need to—”
“Yeah, you do. I know the doctor isn’t your favorite person, but sometimes you gotta do what’s necessary. I just wanted to check on you.”
His face fell. “You aren’t staying?”
“No, I can’t, buddy.” West was headed back to the base and they’d be airborne in less than an hour.
“Please, Dad? I don’t want you to go.”
“I know, but I’ll be home in a couple of days, and by then, you should be feelin’ better.”
“Can we play catch when you get back?” Tommy asked, brightening a bit.
“Yeah.”
“Promise?”
“Sure, when I get back, and you’re feelin’ better, we’ll throw the ball around.”
Later, always later.
Thrown back to the present, West sucked in a breath.
“Why the fuck didn’t I take him to the hospital that night? Why did I leave? If I’d been there, maybe I could’ve saved him.”
“You play the ‘what if game, too.” There were tears in her eyes.
“It’s hard not to.”
“What happened next?” Annie asked.
West lifted a shoulder. “I said goodnight. And it was the last conversation I’ll ever have with him. All my son wanted was a few more minutes with me, and I couldn’t give it to him.” He’d kept putting everything off, counting on another day, another time, but West had squandered the precious hours he’d had.
“You didn’t know what would happen.”
“Nope, don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Annie asked.
“Don’t absolve me, if you won’t let me return the favor. Besides, being a parent should’ve been higher on my priority list.” West swallowed the lump in his throat. “But I can’t change the past, and neither can you.”
She bit her lip “No, we have to deal with the consequences of our actions.”
“And make amends anyway we can. I can’t bring back my son, but I can give my daughter, the father she deserves.” His spine straightened. “I’m gonna do whatever it takes to protect her, and I’ll always be there for Katie, no matter what. And you can catch the man responsible for killin’ your partner.”
West hadn’t rested until he’d turned his life upside down, and got his priorities straight. It had taken him some time and money to get to this place, and he’d make this work, one way or the other.
“I need to.”
West nodded. Clearly, Annie was tough. It would’ve been easy to get lost in the guilt and grief. It was much harder to pull out of it and do something constructive instead.
“Are you different now, then you used to be?” Annie asked. “Because I don’t feel like the same person.”
“Me either.” He thought about it a minute. “I’ve made a lot of changes, reexamined my motives and actions.”
West had been ripped apart by Tommy’s death, but he’d patched himself together, and he was a better father, a better man because of it. And he’d seen a difference in Katie, once he’d pulled up his sleeves and became a real parent. So, in some small way, Tommy’s death hadn’t been for nothing.
“I’m trying to do that, too, but it’s a slow process.”
West knew how she felt. Sometimes, he’d felt like he was running through quicksand.
“For what it’s worth, I didn’t know you back then, but I see the person before me, and I know you can handle this, Annie. And I’m gonna do everythin’ in my power to help you. People like you and me forge strength out of tragedy. Do you believe me?”
“I want to.” And yet Annie looked doubtful.
“That wasn’t a yes, but I’ll take it.”
West leaned forward until his forehead touched hers. Annie’s eyes drifted closed and for a long time, they stayed there, silent and consoled by one another’s presence.
And then his mouth slanted over hers.
It began as a comfort, an expression of friendship and solidarity for all they had loved and lost. But the lip lock took on a life of its own, blazing with passion and need.
As first kisses go, it was explosive, electrifying, like stepping on a live wire.
When he pulled away, her lips were parted, and she was shaking with desire, with pain. He had the wildest urge to tuck her away somewhere safe, protect her from everything and everyone who’d do her harm.
But she was no shrinking violet. Annie was fierce, strong, and she didn’t need his shelter.
West had no doubt Annie wanted him, but she also longed for oblivion, a chance to forget for a while.
And West didn’t want her like that.
When Annie was beneath him, it would be her choice. She’d be driven by desire, a need for a connection with him.
“Come on. Let’s get back to HQ.” He pulled away and started up the car.
“West?” she asked softly. “Don’t you want to…?”
“For the love of….” He trailed off. “Do us both a favor, and don’t finish that sentence.”
“Why?”
“Because I won’t be able to turn you down, and you’ve been through enough today.” He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles went white, and jammed his foot on the gas.
They took off at a breakneck pace.