Chapter Eleven
“I could strangle you right now. I really could. And take that ridiculous smirk off your face,” Jocelyn grumbled as her friend flat ironed her hair. “Ouch. Be careful with that thing.”
“You have to be still, unless you want to lose a chunk of hair. You keep fidgeting. Besides, beauty hurts.”
“But no one said anything about it burning.”
“Stop bitching. The end result will be well worth it. You’re going to knock Cade’s socks off. He won’t be able to keep his hands off of you.”
That was what Jocelyn was worried about. She knew Cade wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want, but what if things did get hot and heavy and she couldn’t respond to him. It was one thing wondering about it, but to have it confirmed would be a whole different animal. Jocelyn didn’t know if she was strong enough to see his disappointment if that was to happen. She loved him too much to have to condemn him to a life without sex.
“I’m not sure if seeing him tonight is such a good idea. And frankly, I still owe you a piece of my mind for telling him what happened to me. It wasn’t your place.”
Kyla sectioned off a clump of Jocelyn’s hair and clamped the flat iron over it. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have told him, you should have, but since you weren’t going to do it, someone had to. It may as well have been me. I couldn’t sit back and watch you hurting over him. I saw the pain in your eyes when you saw him with that other woman. And when he looked at you, I knew he still had feelings for you as well. A guy who’s spent seven years apart from a woman and still looks at her the way Cade did you had to be in love. I know I broke your trust when I went to him, but I couldn’t sit back and do nothing about it.”
Jocelyn knew Kyla’s heart was in the right place, making it difficult to really be angry with her. “I know you meant well, and I love you for that, but now I have to deal with Cade’s misguided notion of giving up everything he’s worked hard for to come back to New York with me.”
“If that’s your main concern, then stay here. You’re a designer, Jocelyn. You can move your operation anywhere you’d like. There would still be some traveling involved, but I don’t see why you couldn’t live here. You’ve probably already figured that out for yourself though. What’s the real issue here? This man is willing to do anything for you. He’s handsome, hardworking, wealthy and loves you to distraction. Most women would kill to find a man like him. Besides that, he didn’t turn you away when he found out about what happened to you. Girl, why are you trying to mess up a good thing?” Kyla placed the flat iron down and knelt in front of Jocelyn. “I’m your friend. You can tell me anything.”
Jocelyn moved her mouth trying to form the words she had difficulty getting out. “Deep down, I have this feeling that I don’t deserve him, that I don’t belong with any decent man, especially Cade.”
“Honey, yes, you do. If anyone should have a slice of happiness, it should be you. Hell, you should have the entire cake for what you’ve suffered.”
“I can’t give him children and I’m not completely sure if I’d be any use to him in bed.”
“You could always adopt, and even if you decide not to go that route Cade doesn’t seem to care. As for the other issue, you can’t know that for sure until you’ve tried.”
“I did go out that one time—”
“One date in seven years hardly counts.”
“But even when he kissed me on the cheek goodnight, I nearly had a panic attack. I freaked at the prospect of getting closer and that was with someone I thought I was comfortable with.”
“Maybe you reacted that way because you didn’t love him. You love Cade and that may make all the difference. Stop making excuses and give the poor guy a chance. If I were in your situation, I’d be holding on to that man for dear life. Guys like Cade Devlin don’t come around very often but when they do, the smart move would be to keep them around.”
“I know I sound like a bundle of insecurities, and you’re right, it’s just…after what I went through, I never thought it would be possible for me to be happy again and I’m scared that if I reach out for it, I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. Does that sound crazy?”
“No. I know how you feel. I, often, feel the same way myself.”
“You’re a wonderful person, Kyla, and I know someone is out there for you as well. There are plenty of men lined up for the job.”
Kyla smiled, a haunted shadow entering her eyes. “I think I’ll lay off the relationships for a while.”
Jocelyn’s heart went out to her friend, who was suffering through her own private hell. She leaned over and gave Kyla a hug. “Thank you so much.”
“For what?”
“For being a good friend to me. And for being you.”
Kyla pulled away, a slight smile on her lips. “You’re going to make me cry and then I’ll have to put a serious hurting on you.” She stood and was all business once again. “Now let’s make you beautiful.”
A couple hours later, Jocelyn sat in Cade’s driveway, debating whether to get out of the truck. Several times she reached for the ignition to restart her vehicle to leave, but something always stopped her. Once she went into his house, there would be no turning back. Her stomach rumbled with nerves.
Taking a deep breath, she finally built up enough courage to slide out of her car and walk to the door. “You can do this. You can do this,” she chanted to herself.
Before she could ring the doorbell, the door flew open. “I was wondering if you were going to get out of your truck. I was going to give you another minute before I came and got you.”
Cade had no right to stand there looking sexy in a pair of jeans so tight she could see the outline of his cock. The button-down shirt he wore had the top two buttons undone, revealing tufts of dark blond hair poking out.
“Come in.” He took her hand and pulled her inside. “You look lovely tonight, but then again, I’m not surprised.” His blue gaze roamed her body in a way that made her feel like a precious, rare gem.
The apparent appreciation in his gaze sent heat to her cheeks and made her aware of the chemistry blazing between them. Seeing how Cade couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from her, she was glad she’d allowed Kyla to talk her into prettying herself up for the evening. She wore one of her favorite sundresses she knew showed off her curves to perfection, and her hair, which she usually wore pinned up in a messy bun, touched her shoulders. When they were younger, Cade used to remark how he liked it when she wore her hair loose. Jocelyn had finished off her look with a clear gloss and silver eye shadow.
“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself.”
He grinned. “This old thing? Can I get you something to drink? I have beer, soda, orange juice, and a bottle of white zinfandel.”
“Actually, I would love a beer.”
“Great. Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll be out here with your drink.”
While he was in the kitchen, Jocelyn looked around Cade’s house. When she’d lived on the ranch, Cade still lived in the main house. The brothers all had land set aside to build homes of their own. This was nice and cozy, no frills or fuss, exactly the way one would expect a bachelor to live. It was neat and well kept. Maybe if he added some paintings on the wall at the far corner and moved the entertainment center to the left… Wait a minute. What was she thinking? She wasn’t even sure where their relationship was heading and already she was redecorating his house.
“Do you like it?”
She jumped at the sound of his voice, clutching her heart. “You scared the hell out of me.”
Cade smiled, handed her the unopened bottle of beer. “Sorry. So what do you think of the place?”
“It’s nice. When did you have it built?”
“Not too long after you left. I wanted the house done by the time your internship was over. It was supposed to be a surprise.”
Jocelyn nearly dropped her bottle in surprise. He’d built this house with her in mind? A sense of sadness and loss pierced her heart. She ached for the lost years and the pain she’d inflicted on him. Now, she wondered if she’d done the right thing by shutting him out. Perhaps if she’d come to him all those years ago, they may have been able to find a piece of happiness.
“I’m sorry, Cade.”
He grazed her cheek with his knuckles. “It’s okay. While I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through, I’m not angry with you. When you first came back to the ranch, I thought I was, but it turns out I was mad at myself for still having feelings for you—that is until I learned the truth.” He closed his eyes tight for a brief moment, but not before she spied the anguish within their depths. “What tears me up is how you’ve had to suffer alone. Yes, I was hurt by the things you said, but they can’t compare to what you’ve gone through. This house, this ranch, everything means nothing to me without you. Do you understand?”
Too choked with emotion to speak, Jocelyn could only nod.
Cade dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Dinner is ready. It’s nothing fancy, just some chili and cornbread.”
Relieved at the change of topic, she raised her nose and inhaled the mouth-warming aroma which filtered to her nostrils. “Mmm, smells delicious.”
A sly grin tilted the corners of his lips and that devilish twinkle that used to make her heart do somersaults entered his eyes. “It’s one of the few things I can cook besides frozen dinners.”
“I look forward to trying it.”
He led her to the small dining room table and pulled Jocelyn’s chair out for her. Cade had always been a gentleman and she saw not much had changed.
“Sit tight and I’ll be right back.”
She didn’t have a long wait before he brought out two steaming bowls of his chili and put one in front of her and the other at his place setting. He went back into the kitchen and brought back a bowl of the golden, buttery cornbread. “Would you like some cheese on your chili?”
“No thanks. This looks really good.”
He took a seat opposite of her. “Dig in. I can’t promise it’ll be as good as Gertie’s but I’ve been perfecting this recipe for a while now and I think it’s almost where I’d like it to be. Go ahead, try it.”
She lifted her spoon and scooped up a healthy portion of the meaty concoction and took a bite. “Mmm, this is really good. It’s spicy but not so overpowering where I can’t taste the other flavors.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
Jocelyn ate another spoonful but this time chased it with some cornbread. “Why wouldn’t I?” she asked with her mouth full.
He raised one broad shoulder into a shrug. “I don’t know. You’ve been living the big city life for a while now. I reckoned you’d have a taste for fancier fare.”
She placed her spoon down. “Cade, I’m not the exact same girl who left this ranch all those years ago, but I haven’t changed that much. To be honest, all that foo foo stuff they serve at those big fancy parties isn’t really my cup of tea. I hate caviar. Pate makes me gag. I still haven’t been able to try sushi, and please don’t get me started on steak tartar. I like my meat cooked, thank you very much. Trust me, this chili is probably the best thing I’ve eaten in a while.”
A slow smile split his face, making those deep dimples she loved pop out. He was so handsome, and he was still in love with her. “Thanks. That really means a lot. You always did know the right thing to say to make me feel good about myself. I was so damned nervous trying to get everything just right before you came over.”
“You didn’t have to go to so much trouble for me.”
“Why shouldn’t I have? You’re worth the effort. And, I intend on spending the rest of my life showing you just how worth it you are.”
Jocelyn should have been ecstatic at the thought that someone as wonderful as Cade was willing to stick by her side regardless of what had happened to her. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling she was doing him a disservice. A man like Cade deserved everything his heart desired. If they were together as he wanted them to be, she would be denying him the children she knew he’d eventually want. Though the doctors said there was a chance she could conceive, the chance was slim to none. That wasn’t enough of a guarantee for her.
She lowered her lids, unable to meet the expectant gleam in his eyes. “Cade, I only agreed to this one date.”
“You also admitted your love for me, which means I’m not going to allow you to push me out of your life because you feel you have to do the right thing by me. If you’re worried so much about having children, then we’ll adopt. Giving birth or contributing sperm doesn’t make you a parent. Look at me and my brothers. Aunt Earlene raised us as her own when our parents died. She loved us just as much as any biological mother could have. I can’t believe you’d let something like this stand in the way of our happiness.”
He was breaking down all of her defenses and pretty soon she’d be too weak to not give in to him. She had one more card to play. Raising her chin in defiance, she looked him straight in the eyes. “What about sex, Cade?”
A frown marred his forehead. “What about it?”
“Wouldn’t you agree it’s an important part of a relationship?”
“Of course, it is. But that wouldn’t be a problem with us. Whenever we were together, we set the world on fire.”
“Yes, then. But now, I’m not so sure it’s possible.”
His eyes clouded with confusion as he shook his head back and forth as though trying to make sense of what she was telling him. “But when we kissed earlier, it was great just as it always has been.”
“Because it was only a kiss.”
His eyes narrowed to blue slits. “Maybe I’m a little slow tonight, because you’re going to have to spell it out for me.”
Jocelyn took a deep breath and forced herself to hold his gaze. “The kiss was great, like you said, but I don’t think I’m capable of going any further than a kiss. My body shuts down on me after a certain point.”
“Are you saying you’re not capable of being aroused?”
She bit her bottom lip and nodded. Now, he would push her away, and say he’d made a mistake. What man would willingly condemn himself to a life of celibacy?
“It makes sense,” he said softly, almost as if he was talking more to himself than to her.
“What?”
“When I kissed you in the barn, you froze up on me. I could kick myself for that.”
“What does that have to do with anything? I’m telling you I don’t think I’m capable of enjoying sex as a healthy woman should.”
Each moment of silence that passed between them hurt deeply. It would have been better if he would come right out and say what he was thinking. Instead, Cade stared straight ahead, not really looking at anything in particular and not saying a word. Had he finally realized what a mistake he’d made by declaring his undying devotion to her? Was he trying to come up with excuses for why they shouldn’t be together?
Even though this was what she wanted, it didn’t make this situation any less painful. This was exactly what she’d wanted to avoid. Jocelyn should have remained firm in her resolve to stay away from him, but she’d told herself she could handle it, at least for this one time. Obviously, she’d been wrong.
“If you’ve changed your mind, I’m okay with it. In fact, it would probably be best for both of us, if we just called it quits now.”
“Whoa!” He pushed away from the table and stood up. “You’re getting ahead of yourself. Contrary to what you believe, this changes nothing.”
Her mouth fell open.
Cade strode toward her with determined strides and stopped next to her. He took her hand and pulled Jocelyn out of her chair. “Come with me.”
“Where are you taking me, Cade?”
“You’ll see.”
He led her down a long hallway and took her to what looked liked the master bedroom.
“Cade,” she began hesitantly.
“Trust me. Have a seat.” He motioned her toward the bed. What was he up to and why was he being so secretive? She knew he wouldn’t harm her in any way, but she wished Cade would tell her why he’d brought her here.
Jocelyn hesitantly did as she was told, clenching her hands in her lap nervously. With a frown, she watched as he rooted through his closet. “What are you doing?”
“You’ll find out soon enough. Hold your horses, darlin’.”
She fidgeted on the bed, unable to keep still. Jocelyn didn’t have to wait for long, because Cade produced a shoebox and joined her on the bed.
“Here.” He placed the box on her lap.
“What’s in it?”
“Open it and find out.”
Stealing a brief glance in Cade’s direction, she pulled the top off with trembling fingers. Inside were newspaper clippings, pictures and a hodgepodge of odds and ends. Her hands shook as, she picked up the first item on top—a movie ticket from over eight years ago. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.
“Does that look familiar?” Cade probed gently.
Jocelyn nodded through a haze of tears. The lump in her throat felt like a rock, robbing her of speech. It was the first movie they’d ever gone to. It was some horror flick Cade had been dying to see. She’d been terrified, but he’d promised to hold her hand during the scary parts, not that it mattered much when it was all said and done anyway. They’d sat in the back of the theater. Neither one paid much attention to the screen, too wrapped up in the sensation of newfound love.
She placed the ticket back in the box and pulled out a scrap of material, a dark green cotton with pink paisley. Her lips twisted into a grimace as a flinch shook her shoulder.
“Do you remember?”
Unable to help herself, Jocelyn found herself giggling. “How could I forget this ugly pattern? I’d saved my allowance for a month to buy fabric to make a dress. Unfortunately, when my dad took me to town I saw a pair of earrings I had to have and the only fabric I could afford was this ugly pattern.”
“You convinced me to model the dress so you could see if it hung properly. I wasn’t a happy ten year old. Not to mention, my brothers still tease me about it.”
“You were so adorable.”
“I guess even then I was enamored of you. I kept this little scrap.”
The implication of his words hit her like a fist to the chest. The sudden rush of tears stung the back of her eyes as a lump formed in her throat, making it difficult for words to move past her lips. Instead of saying what was on her mind, she replaced the piece of fabric back in the box and retrieved a newspaper article speaking of her triumphant debut at Bryant Park. Another news clipping spoke of a show she’d done in London. There were several more like it. As she wordlessly riffled through the contents of the box, a shiny object caught her eye.
With shaking fingers she picked up the tiny gold ring lined with opal baguettes, her birthstone. “This is…” A fat teardrop fell from the corner of her eye, and plopped on her lap. Biting her bottom lip to hold back the sob hovering on the edge of escape, she held the ring up to the light.
Cade took it and slipped it on her left ring finger. “It’s the promise ring I gave you. The one you threw at me when you told me you never wanted to see me again. I didn’t have the heart to get rid of it.”
Jocelyn’s lips trembled as shame tore through her breast. She held her hand up to study it, remembering how much it had meant to her when he’d given it to her, how proud she’d been to wear it. How it symbolized the promise of their future together. To have treated something like this so callously cut deep as she was sure it had done Cade at the time she’d given it—no, tossed it back at him.
So caught up in her own misery, she’d never given thought to the people she’d left behind in a desperate attempt to shut out the memories of a happier time. A life she’d felt she no longer deserved. Not once had she considered her father or Cade. Or that Cade might still be in love with her to the point where he had a box of keepsakes. Even when she believed he’d hated her for what she had done, he’d kept a chronicle of their lives together. A piece of material from that ugly dress she’d made at thirteen. Tickets to just about every movie they’d ever been to. A ribbon she used to wear. He even had the first Valentine’s Day card she’d given to him.
Knowing how diligently he’d kept these precious mementos humbled her beyond anything. Nothing he could have said would have meant as much, convinced her as much as the contents of this box. He loved her. And always had. As much as she’d tried to deny her feelings for him, burying them deep down inside until not even she could guess the truth, Jocelyn loved Cade, too. With all her heart.
What a coincidence it was that the two men she loved, her father and Cade, would compile these precious memories pertaining to her. The meaning wasn’t lost on her. Despite her being away, neither man had stopped loving her. Her father’s collection didn’t surprise her quite as much as Cade’s did, and she was truly touched by it. So much so, words couldn’t properly express everything she was feeling. The power of real love was awesome and overwhelming.
But did she dare give in to her secret longings and give their love one more chance? Did she even have the courage to love him as whole-heartedly as she once had? Raising her head to look into the depths of his beautiful blue eyes, the answer to her question was answered and then some.
“There’s more.”
“There is?” She dug into the box and pulled out a velvet burgundy box. With shaking hands she opened it to reveal a platinum ring with a single teardrop diamond in the middle. It was beautiful.
“I bought that when you went away to Dallas. I was hoping to give it to you one day.” He took it out of her hand and placed it back in the box. “But I want you to wear it, only when you’re ready.”
She moistened her parched lips with the tip of her tongue. “Cade, I don’t know what to say.”
Removing the box of keepsakes from her lap and carelessly tossing it aside, he scooted closer to her before capturing her face between his hands. “Say you love me, because I never stopped loving you. If you need more time, I’m okay with that. If we never get past the hand holding and kissing stage, I’m okay with that as well. I just need you in my life. Don’t shut me out again.”
She shut her eyes briefly to savor the wonderful sound of his words. Never in a million years would she have dreamed Cade could love her with the same intensity he once had, but deep down, that part of her which still clung to the memory of her trauma made her hesitate to say the words she knew he wanted to hear, but only briefly. “I do love you, Cade. I always have, but—”
Cutting off her words by covering her mouth with his, he swallowed her words of doubt, easing her fears through the sheer will of his love for her. Finally he lifted his head, leaving her breathlessly panting for more. “No buts. We love each other, the rest we’ll work out as we go along.”
“So where do we go from here?”
“I’ll let you set the pace.”
She licked her lips again and raked her fingers through her hair. “And you’ll go along with anything I want?”
“Anything, sweetheart.”
“And you wouldn’t mind if we didn’t make love for a while?”
“No. Just having you in my life again means more to me than you can know.”
“In that case, I have a favor to ask.”
“Yes?”
“Make love to me. Tonight. Right now.”